From Here to Fertility. . .

Where Has My Little Baby Gone?

2012-02-08T19:01:00.003-08:00

In just one short month (plus 3 days!), my little baby will be two years old. Two years old. Where has my little baby gone?

M is such a character now - and such a delight. Sometimes when I am having a sweet little conversation with him, or I watch him play, I get incredibly overcome by love for him. Each day he shows me something new, and each day I am in awe of how quickly he has absorbed everything around him...

My little guy can count to fifteen, and is starting to demonstrate that it's more than rote counting (he is beginning to demonstrate what is called "one-to-one correspondence" - corresponding objects to the number). For example, he can count each step as he goes up the stairs for bedtime, and he can count out a certain number of Cheerios for me. He loves to be read to, and can ask for certain books at bedtime by their title. He's even memorized the first line of one of his books, and sometimes recites it before I even start! He's goofy and silly and loves to play with his daddy and his grandparents - and has learned to clown around and make silly faces so that they laugh. He is the life of our party.

And he is about to become a big brother. Sigh. Where has my little baby gone?

And an update on our little bean....

I'm thirteen weeks pregnant as of today...and so far, the pregnancy has been smooth. We went for our First Trimester Screen on Friday (nuchal translucency ultrasound and bloodwork) and got excellent results back (negative screen for trisomy 21, 13 and 18), so chances appear slim to none that our little bean has any chromosomal issues. I was on pins and needles prior to this - our age and the cause for our infertility did not escape me, so I was worried about the results. I'm pretty sure we aren't going to take it any further (i.e. amniocentesis), but I'll have to sit down and talk with DH about it all. I have a pretty big bump - similar in size to when I was 4 months pregnant with M - so it's certainly hard to hide the pregnancy. Not that I've tried - I'm pretty overjoyed and want everyone to know it!!

We're looking forward to our next u/s, when we'll find out the sex of the baby. A little boy would bring a ton more energy into the home (more than there already is with M and his rowdy papa...could I possibly handle it?), but a little girl would bring such sweetness. Either way, we feel so blessed and couldn't ask for anything more than for it to be happy and healthy...

The First Ultrasound - 7w5d

2012-01-05T12:50:00.002-08:00

Christmas came and went, and I must say - I am suffering a slight case of the holiday blues. I think that this is due in large part to the fact that I worked up until the 22nd and didn't really have a lot of time to prepare for Christmas! By the time work was over, the in-laws invaded, I was in a mad rush to do all of my Christmas shopping, wrapping, and cooking. Then before I knew it - it was over!

It was still magical for our little M - very different from his first Christmas, as his awareness was so much more heightened! Although I was worried, we had no problems with the Christmas tree - M admired it, pointing and saying "Cwismas tree!", but he didn't pull anything off or touch anything on or under it. He was absolutely adorable when it came to Santa Claus! Whenever anyone asked him, "What does Santa say?", M would lower his voice (to make it sound husky) and go "Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!" Pure joy. He had a ton of fun with his grandparents and cousins, and was simply spoiled. Everything that I would want Christmas to be for my baby boy.

We managed to get our first u/s squeezed in during the holidays, although not without a bit of hassle. The fertility clinic called on the 23rd to say that an error had been made in our booking, and instead of the 28th, we were scheduled for an appointment on the 5th of January. That really ticked me off - I was so anxious to see a little heartbeat and know that our little embie was snuggled in, safe and sound. So I spoke with my RE and she managed to squeeze us in at the clinic for an impromptu u/s on the 2nd.

So here are the deets - at 7w5d, our little embie was measuring ahead of schedule at 8 weeks. Its heartbeat was 170bpm, and according to our RE, everything looked "Beautiful!" I was so relieved and we feel so blessed.

I am already starting to show - quite a bit. Not sure if it's bloating from the drugs or just a total lack of tummy muscles, but this one's gonna be hard to hide. So I just decided that when I return to work next Monday and hold my first staff meeting of the year, I'm just gonna announce that there's a bun in the oven...no point in fanning the rumour fires.

Sigh. We are so very, very lucky - this thought never escapes me, not even for a minute. To go from being told that we had a less than 5% chance of conceiving our own child (even through ART) to now becoming a family of four...thanks be to God.

Holy Moly!!

2011-12-12T21:11:00.002-08:00

Our family had a wonderful little weekend, celebrating our good news by heading out to the mountains and staying at a beautiful resort tucked in the heart of the Canadian Rockies...while we were cozy in our room, cuddling (all three of us!) under a down duvet on the king sized bed, it snowed lightly outside our window. Sigh. Simply amazing.

DH and I are still in a bit of shock over our blessed news, but mostly, we just can't stop smiling! We arrived home on Sunday morning, and I headed out to the lab in the afternoon to get my beta test done.

You will never believe the result....

My hcg beta - 16dp2dt - is 2281.

Yes - holy moly!!!

I couldn't believe my ears when the nurse from the clinic phoned this morning, and I actually had to ask her to repeat herself.

"Isn't that a bit high?!?" I asked.

"Yes." she replied, "But that's good! Congratulations!"

"Doesn't a high number like that sometimes mean multiples?" I persisted...

"Yes." she answered, "There's a possibility!"

"But I only transferred one embryo. Isn't it too early for it to split???" I could feel the blood drain from my face as I thought of this possibility.

"Um...no...but let's get you booked in for an ultrasound, shall we?" she replied cheerfully, clearly trying to distract me from my neurosis....

I am still trying to come to terms with the number, and hope that it's just a strong little embie, burying in deep and producing a lot of hcg. But my mind couldn't help but wander to the thought that a high beta number could also mean a molar pregnancy...

I pray to God that it isn't...

Walk Softly and Carry a Big Stick...

2011-12-09T08:21:00.005-08:00

...or in my case, a pee stick....

I was going to test on the morning of my last entry (12dp2dt), but decided against it for one main reason: I was worried that if the result was negative, I would spend a bunch of time sweating out whether it was a true negative or if it was too early to test. I just didn't want to get myself worked up like that - just wasn't worth it.

So I waited another two days and tested this morning.

As I sit here at my desk and type this entry, I am also enjoying a nice, hot cup of tea. Gazing into the mug, this is what I see:

12dp2dt...not that I'm counting....

2011-12-07T20:56:00.002-08:00

It's been a quick 12 days. I'm sure that having my little bunny to look after, plus working full time, plus the passing of my FORTIETH birthday (egads!) has helped the time pass by quickly. But no matter how busy it's been, I have still taken a quiet moment each night to say a prayer and think about how much time has passed since our brave little embie set up shop in my tummy.

Not sure what to say about symptoms, as I tend to attribute any out-of-the-ordinary feelings to my little buddies, Progesterone and Estrace. Boobies have been a tiny bit sore and feel a tiny bit fuller. Appetite like a hungry bear. Cramps and twinges here and there (especially 7dp2dt...). But it could all be an illusion - I won't know for another few days...

I'll be taking a home pregnancy test on Friday, and have a beta booked for Sunday. Nervous, scared, freaked out. These will be the last hpts that I take for the rest of my life...

DH and I booked a weekend away in the mountains at a swanky hotel...with our little bunny, of course. The way I see it, the little trip will be either celebratory in nature, or it will be a change of scenery as I mourn. But no matter - this weekend will be a time of much needed rest and relaxation.

3dpt2dt

2011-11-28T12:06:00.002-08:00

Hello, friends -

Sorry that I haven't posted the update...not quite sure why, other than the fact that despite my very best efforts to slow down and take it easy since the transfer, I've been a little busy at home (the 2ww is sure different with a toddler!!)

My tummy is now home to one lovely little embie - a four celled beauty on Day 2, with perfectly formed cells and a tiny bit of fragmentation. The embryologists scored it 1-2 (with 1 being "perfect" and 4 being "poor"), and the RE that did the transfer commented that it was a great looking embryo. We watched the ultrasound screen very carefully in order not to miss seeing the little shining spark as it entered my womb...things went without a hitch. One post-transfer acupuncture session later and we were done.

And now the wait begins.

We are trying not to be too hopeful, but overall we are feeling positive about things. I've done a fair bit of reading on Day 2 transfers, and several studies on their efficacy with poor responders/older IVF patients (that's me!) We have yet to nickname this little gem, but I'm sure we will come up with something soon. Daddy talks to it every night and I pray every chance that I get that it is growing strong and healthy.

Poor little M is struggling - he is a Mama's Boy, through and through, so we knew that this was going to be tough on him. I am not lifting him, which he finds so terribly hard (as do I...) His constant "Mama, nuggle" ("Mama, snuggles!") and then frustrated tears when I bend down just to hug him breaks my heart. But Daddy picks him up and puts him into my lap any time he can, so that's a bit of consolation. Needless to say, it's going to be a looooong two weeks...

Thanks to those of you who have commented and sent encouraging words - they have meant more than you will ever know...

xoxo

Devastated

2011-11-23T21:22:00.001-08:00

What a colossal disaster this cycle has been....

One egg. That's all they managed to get this morning. One mature egg. Apparently the other two were cysts.

I am dreading the call from the embryologist tomorrow...

Trigger Happy

2011-11-21T20:34:00.002-08:00

Tonight's the night! Time to pull the trigger...inject the old HCG and let it work its magic. Not that it has much to do....for I have a grand total of (...dramatic drumroll, please....) - 3 follicles.

Yep. You read correctly. 3. Last Thursday's ultrasound was a disappointing one, as I learned that I only had 4 follicles to work with. The RE who did the u/s asked if I wanted to cancel the cycle, and I asked her for her honest, from-the-gut opinion. She said that realistically, she doesn't think that I'll get any better than this, given my age and the fact that I am on the cadillac of protocols (read: maxed out on drugs...) So she said that if she were me, she'd go for it. Nothing to lose.

Fast forward to Saturday and my next ultrasound, attended by my own RE. Who discovers that I only have 3 follicles instead of the original quote of 4. But she is much more encouraging (kind) than the other RE; instead of giving me the cynical response, she tells me that it only takes one.

So here I am - strapping on the parachute and ready to take the dive again.

Once again, for posterity, my numbers are as follows: 2.0 on the left; 1.75 and 1.75 on the right.

The retrieval is on Wednesday. Please pray for me, ladies!

xoxo
Springroll

A New Post Just for Me...

2011-11-14T21:10:00.008-08:00

...because I don't think anyone else is reading this anymore! :-)

It's terrible the way that I have been neglecting this little blog...it was my lifeline to some semblance of sanity a short three years ago...and now it is virtually catching dust as it waits for me patiently to add to it...poor little blog...

I thought I would take the time to write this evening, if for nothing more than to simply record this timeframe for posterity. You see, DH and I are in the middle of an IVF cycle. Yes, we decided this past summer that we wanted to have another child - a sibling for our sweet baby boy, more laughter for our already happy home. We decided that we didn't want to give up our dreams of having more than one child. We decided that we could give it one more good ole' college try. We decided that our cup runneth over...and perhaps we could make another little "sippy cup" to fill.

So off we went to our fertility clinic in the middle of August to meet with our new RE (we decided to request another doctor to work with this time around, as we felt that our old RE was far too pessimistic for our liking - despite our success). We had a great chat with our doctor, got our tests updated, and here we are - approximately 10 days away from an egg retrieval and transfer! Our protocol this time around is based mainly on the Sher protocol that we were on last time (agonist/antagonist conversion protocol with estrogen priming), with a little bit of "tweaking". Daily injections of 450 iu gonal f; 150 iu menopur; and 125 iu of cetrotide, combined with estradot patches. I've also been on 75 mg of DHEA a day for the past three months, in hopes that this will improve my egg quality and quantity. The thought of cycling again was daunting, made even more so by the fact that I was cycling with a toddler running underfoot. But it has been surprisingly simple and I have developed a good little routine for managing everything. The real test will be after transfer, when I will want to relax and put my feet up - but will likely be unable to because of a certain little monkey who constantly wants to be picked up, cuddled, and played with.

Speaking of my little monkey...oh, what a wonderful time this is! He is talking up a storm right now and gets into more mischief than I care to see....but every time I hear him utter "Uh-oh!" because of something he's done, it makes me smile. And it melts my heart. DH and I talk about him non-stop (...I fear we are in danger of becoming one of "those couples" - unable to talk about anything but our child...) and we are constantly amazed at all of the things he can say and do. For instance, tonight as we were reading his bedtime book, I heard him count to four. We had done this with one of his little board books before, whereby I had taken his little finger and had counted objects in one of the pictures together. Obviously, he remembered, because this evening he counted out loud on the same page that we had counted together on...oh, what a sweetie!!

I go for an ultrasound on Thursday to determine how many follicles we are working with - I've been busy saying many prayers and thinking positive thoughts. If there is anyone out there still reading this little blog - please also send positive thoughts our way!!

Surprise! A New Post!

2011-05-22T08:46:00.014-07:00

Sigh. I've been a terrible blogger (*slap wrist*) and I'm not very sure that anyone reads this anymore. But in any case, I thought I'd sign on today and jot down my thoughts before time flies by anymore...

Life has been crazy - and I mean, capital C-Crazy - for the past couple of months. Shortly after his first birthday, I returned to work full time and things went more smoothly than I had anticipated. We finally settled on a local dayhome for Mason, which has a unique concept - it's actually run by a company that owns a number of dayhomes in the area. What they do is purchase/lease homes, employ professional caregivers to live in these homes, and then provide childcare services. So what you get is professional care by certified individuals (for example, our lady has her daycare qualifications certificate, first aid, and other early childhood development coursework) but in a home setting with low numbers! And an added bonus - this company sorts their dayhomes according to age, so Mason's dayhome is expressly for one year old babies...no need to worry about bigger kids accidentally hurting the littler ones!

The first couple of weeks were torture - for me more so than for Mason. For the first little bit, each time I dropped him off, he clung to me and wailed and wailed...and it broke my heart into a million little pieces. But seeing him go through that made me realize just how much he needed to be around other people and peers his own age...he was just far too isolated with me at home! I was especially worried about his eating habits and his nap times - especially since he was still struggling with eating chunkier foods (the rest of the babies at the dayhome were ALL already on table foods - no baby food for them!!) But our caregiver is so incredibly kind and patient - and Mason has since adjusted incredibly well. Daddy drops him off (usually, unless he is out of town on business) and he is always happy to go now. Christina (our caregiver) has introduced him to all kinds of new foods (grilled cheese sandwiches, animal crackers, macaroni and beef...) and so his eating has improved ten-fold! He has made a new best friend (Kade) and a girlfriend (Payton) and when I pick him up at the end of the day, I always see him happily playing. It's such a relief!

Of course, the adjustment wasn't without issues - he caught a nasty cold right away that hung on for 2 and a half weeks - then turned into a horrible ear infection. I swear we suctioned that kid's nose over 50 times in the space of 2 weeks...poor little thing. But again - it was an important rite of passage for him, so as to build up his immune system. He's over now - right as rain.

But I do miss him during the day. Terribly. Going back to work has been a pretty positive experience for me, as it has been nice to feel mentally stimulated again. It's sure nice having something else to think about other than the next nap or the next bottle. But when I get a (rare) break, I look at his picture in my office and I just MISS HIM. The good thing is - summer holidays are around the corner and I'll get to spend my days with my little lovebug once again.

Mason learned to walk on his own about three weeks ago, though he does it selectively and rather rarely. He only seems to do it when he is holding a toy in his hands - as though it is a necessary balancing tool. But he is oh, so cute when he does it!! He is becoming a little boy before my very eyes - understanding requests ("Where's blankie? Can you share your juice? Say night night to Daddy"), getting into mischief and asserting his little personality. In the past month, I have thought to myself a million times, "Time is going by too quickly - if only I could shove him back into my womb!!!" LOL.

DH and I have been working on Baby #2, though not with as much vim and vigour as with our first. That is to say, we have been trying au naturel, but neither one of us is ready to talk about going the ART route again. But I DO want another baby...I DO want Mason to have a sibling...and I would love to be able to give DH another child (he is SUCH a good daddy...) So in the next little bit, the plan will be to put myself back on CoEzQ10 and royal jelly, go back to my acupuncturist and then wait and see...

Here are some pics from his first birthday party - oh, it was so much fun! The Very Hungry Caterpillar...

I'd post more pics, but it takes FOREVER.... lol....

The cupcakes that you see were made by our close friend...and it was as yummy as it was pretty!! We had crafts and food from the book (salami, swiss cheese, strawberries, etc.) and lots of balloons...we just had a blast!

I'm going to try and write more often...it's a good escape and a good way for me to capture those moments...

Oh, and a special hug of congratulations goes out to my cyber friend, Turia, who had a baby boy on Mother's Day!! She waited so long for this little miracle...dreams really do come true...

xoxo

Happy Birthday, Mason!!

2011-03-11T22:35:00.002-08:00

One year ago.

One year ago today, our little boy - the miracle that we never thought we would be blessed with - came into our lives. With a tiny cry a great determination, Mason entered our hearts and put up permanent residence.

I can remember it like it was yesterday.

And what a year it has been. Filled with such joy and laughter.

And the fun continues...

Party tomorrow. It's been an exhausting day of planning and preparation. But it will be all worth it - to be with our family and friends, celebrating our little Dim Sum's first year of life.

More later....

One is the LOVELIEST Number...

2011-03-04T19:21:00.005-08:00

In exactly one week, my baby will be one year old. Where does the time go? When I close my eyes, I can still picture myself one year ago this weekend, waddling around trying to get ready for my baby shower. There are many times when I still feel as though I should pinch myself to make sure that it's all real...after all that time, and all of that heartache, here I am with a one year old child. Life is just too, too sweet.

Mason's sunny little personality emerges more and more with each passing day, and I regret not having documented it more with this blog. He is definitely becoming a little boy, right before my very eyes. Gone are the days when I could cuddle him in bed after our morning feed, with him falling asleep on my chest. Nowadays, I struggle to keep him from falling off our bed, as he rolls around on it, shrieking with laughter. Gone are the days when he would sit nicely on his playmat, content with the toys that I put right in front of him to play with. Nowadays, he's crawling down the hall like a madman or climbing up on the furniture, in search of the next adventure. And gone are the days when I could lie him down on the change table and have him cooperate. Nowadays, he'd rather be anywhere than lying there with his diaper off and his onesie pulled over his head! He truly is such a little monkey.

For the record - just so that I don't regret not writing some of this stuff down - here are some fun facts:

Mason weighs 17 lbs and 4 oz. He is tiny, but oh so mighty...

Mason has four teeth (just found the newest one today!)

Mason has three bottles and two nursing feeds a day (...as Mommy continues to wrestle with weaning...)

Mason can eat cheerios and toast now. But is still only on purees...sigh...

Mason can crawl, go up stairs, pull himself up to stand on furniture, and stand unaided for about 10 seconds

Mason claps when you say "Hooray, hooray!" It's the cutest thing. And the other day, when I was bottle feeding him, he happened to see the audience on The Ellen Degeneres Show applauding, so he burst into spontaneous applause, too! :)

Mason is most ticklish under his arms.

Mason has had one haircut and is due for another.

Mason loves his Daddy...and I mean LOVES his Daddy. At the end of the day when Daddy comes home and cuddles Mason, Mommy becomes chopped liver...

Mason is the light of Mommy and Daddy's lives...

And here we are, planning his first birthday party. So fun! We're going with The Very Hungry Caterpillar theme, as this seems to be his most favourite book. I've made almost everything, from the banner to the invitations...and it's all coming together so nicely! Next weekend is going to be BIG! More later...

Food For Thought

2011-01-28T13:32:00.002-08:00

Alright, I must say -

Out of everything that I have learned in these last ten months of being a Mommy (and I have learned so much!! This job sure comes with a steep learning curve!), one of the hardest things has been how to properly feed my child (...and this is not related to his nursing strike, which he seems to have gotten over...)

This is not to say that Mason is not a good little eater - he has been. Up until this point, he has been most willing to eat almost everything I have thrown his way (except avocado and green beans!) However, since Day 1 of solids, I have been slightly overwhelmed with figuring out portions and combinations and variety. I have read books and followed the pamphlet that was handed out by my community health nurse. I have googled and read blogs and looked on websites. I measure everything carefully for each meal, and have been weary of overfeeding him and watchful of allergic reactions. But something tells me that I am supposed to be more relaxed than this!

Before he was born, I had the best intentions of making my own baby food. Fast forward a few months (...and a terrible experience with trying to buy a Beaba Babycook machine off of Ebay...which we never received...) I gave up and decided that I was going to buy jars, but go the organic route. He seemed to like it all and we had fallen into a good groove, although I had noticed that he tended not to be able to eat as much as the books say he should be eating by his age...

But after Christmas, we started in with more textured baby food - and let me tell you, it has been a challenge! He just cannot handle the chunkier textures - even if it is the tiniest bit of carrot or pasta noodle. My little man gags, heaves....and then throws up. And it has been about three weeks of this! Somedays there seems to be improvement...and other days, not so much...

My cyberfriend, Kate, over at Impatiently Waiting (http://impatientkate.blogspot.com/) seems to be able to feed her sweetie such wonderful things...and meanwhile Mason is still refusing anything not pureed.

I have resorted to mixing pureed sweet potato in with the chunkier meals (i.e. vegetable-beef-spaghetti) in order to entice him to eat (each day, I added more of the chunky, less of the puree...). But this only worked for so long before he would throw up again. Yesterday, at the end of what I thought was a great lunch feed, my little boy opened his mouth and HURLED!! It was the worst vomiting episode he had had to date and felt so bad for him that I started to tear up!

Any tips on making this easier for him would be so very appreciated...we need help! :)

A New Day Has Come

2011-01-14T20:28:00.003-08:00

Sigh.

As I write this post, I feel a little foolish at the emotions I am going through. You see, I think my little one has decided to wean himself from nursing. And this makes me incredibly sad.

I know that this day was inevitable. I've been listening to my mum and my sister nag me for the longest time about it. We've been preparing for this for weeks by slowly replacing nursing with bottle feeds. And as of yesterday, we were up to 3 nurses, 2 bottles a day. But today, my little sweetheart refused the breast at each of his nursing sessions. And it broke my heart.

I am not ready.

I used to scoff at stories of women who nursed their children until the kids were three or four. I used to say "Now that woman's doing it for herself, not the child!" When I was pregnant, DH and I had planned to wean by six months so that we could try to conceive again right away. And I always thought I would relish the day when I would "have my body back".

But right now, I'm just incredibly sad.

This is yet another sign that my little guy is growing up. And yes - it was bound to happen! Don't all children grow up? Don't we want them to be independent? Shouldn't we be proud of the various milestones they reach?

Yes, of course.

But I feel as though time is zooming by. I feel as though this is the only chance I'll have to enjoy these things. I feel as though I won't get to have that same closeness with my son again. Even though I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, I do.

Sigh.

Who Will Look After My Baby?

2011-01-05T21:01:00.002-08:00

No more burying my head in the sand.

It's time to take a serious stab at finding childcare for my son, as the time for me to return to work approaches...

And as I write this entry, I feel as though I might burst into tears.

Right now, I cannot fathom leaving him with anyone else. Who will sing to him before his nap, or read his favourite books to him while he snuggles with his blankie? What if he gets hurt? What if someone's mean to him? What if he doesn't eat his lunch or drink his milk? Who's going to love him the way that I do?

I've looked into several dayhomes in the area, and none of them seem like a good fit. DH is hesitant to hire a nanny because of the costs and logistics involved. He also does not want to burden my parents with looking after him. And as I type this, he is sitting across from me in our office, doing his own "research" at his computer, because he thinks he can come up with better options than I have. Hmph. Let him try. He'll come up empty handed, just as I have...

It makes me so sad to think that I won't be here for Mason during the day, and it'll be hard for him to understand.

I never thought that I would feel this way - but right at this moment, I do not want to return to work. Because if I do - who will look after my baby?

Life is Good...Part Two

2010-12-25T21:15:00.002-08:00

What a day...

It was pure magic, from the moment my little one opened his eyes and smiled up at me from his crib, to the minute I put his tired little head down for the night. My baby's first Christmas. Wow.

After a hearty Christmas breakfast of cereal and fruit, we began the daunting task of opening the many presents that lay under the tree for him. From grandparents to Mommy and Daddy to Santa Claus, Mason was definitely spoiled. He seemed to love each gift that was shoved onto his lap for ripping open, and patiently posed for a million photos. And, of course, we discovered that the most expensive toy in the world doesn't compete with the intrigue and fun that a Christmas ribbon brings. Mason had more fun with the tissue and bows than some of the trinkets he got!

After a "pretend nap" - during which he pretended to sleep but was really rolling around in his crib, giggling (as witnessed on the video monitor...), we hauled him up for Round Two of gift opening. Yes - he had so many presents we had to divide the opening into two parts. But when the dust cleared and the last bit of gift wrap was ripped away, it was all too much for our little prince and, though I'm sure he didn't want to leave the action, he actually fell soundly asleep for a little afternoon nap.

The evening brought a visit to his Auntie's for a big family Christmas dinner - where he was once again spoiled. How could one tiny little person have so many toys?

My Christmas prayer today was that my baby boy always feel this much love - and that he is always surrounded by family who will care for him and shelter him. He is, by far, the greatest gift that I have ever been given. No gift receipts necessary. He's my special edition, priceless treasure that will be cherished for a lifetime.

Merry Christmas, Mason. We love you!

Happy Tears

2010-12-16T20:58:00.002-08:00

My baby crawled for the first time today. And after I ran to get the camera so that I could record this precious moment, and then shot about five minutes worth of footage, I sat beside him and cried.

Happy tears.

My heart was so overwhelmed with love for him at that moment - it's indescribable. I know what you're thinking - how cheesy! And yes - I totally agree! Those happy tears took me by total surprise. But in these past nine months (...my God, yes, nine months...doesn't time fly??) I have had a lot of these moments when I burst into happy tears spontaneously, my heart filled with joy and amazement.

This is my son. This wonderful, amazing little creature, that smells of baby powder and lavender, who smiles and coos and kicks is my son.

Somedays, I have to shake myself to know that it's not a dream. Most days, I say a silent prayer of thanks to God for His gift. Everyday, I look into my baby's eyes and tell him how much I love him.

Life is good.

December Already!!

2010-12-01T12:20:00.005-08:00

Where does the time go?

I can't believe that it's December already - and that I haven't posted in almost two months. Quite honestly, I have been beating myself up over that a bit lately. I get into these moods where I worry that I haven't documented Mason's life enough - haven't taken enough pictures, recorded enough in his baby journal, captured enough video footage. And then panic sets in when I realize that it'll all be over in a flash and he'll be one and I'll be back at work, missing the milestones as they appear. I don't know if these tumbled-together thoughts are hormonally-driven or not...regardless, I hate feeling this way. I know I should be enjoying my time with him and putting less pressure on myself...but you know how it is...gotta be the perfect Mama, right?

Anyway, we have had a terrific winter and Mason has grown by leaps and bounds. Two weeks ago, he graduated from sitting in his Bumbo during mealtimes to sitting in a highchair. He looks so tiny in it. Love it. He's fascinated with the seatbelt. And sometimes he rests his head on the tray and sucks on the edge. But let me tell you - it's great having him in that highchair - especially when I am preparing his food or cooking dinner. I can pop a few toys on his tray and he sits nicely to play....well...at least for a few minutes anyway!

Last week, he said "Mama" for the first time! Actually, it was more like "Mamamama". Now, granted, there is no assurance that he was using the word in reference to me (in fact, I'm sure he wasn't!) - but I loved hearing it all the same. Sigh. My little lovebug. The same week he learned how to clap his hands and he does it often now. Funny story: we were snuggling in bed together the night before last while I was watching the evening news, and a commercial came on for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. He watched it - and then began to applaud! This made DH laugh and laugh - "That's my boy!" he exclaims proudly. Could there be more testosterone?

We have embarked on our journey to find childcare for him for when I return to work next year. Ugh. I am really struggling with this. It hurts my heart to think of leaving him in a daycare or dayhome. I had found a local dayhome that specialized in caring for babies (taking 12 - 24 month olds), which I thought was a fantastic idea - until several people I spoke with balked at this, commenting that taking up to 8 babies (which is what they take) was far too much and that the two caregivers could not possibly look after all of those babies properly. Hmm...yes, good point. I was thinking more from the perspective of Mason having plenty of little ones his own age to play with...without recognizing that 8 babies in one spot was indeed quite a handful. Sigh.

So we have just begun looking into the possibility of hiring a nanny - but to be honest, I have no idea where to begin (*if anyone has any advice...I could really use some!!) I have heard a lot of horror stories about nanny agencies, so if at all possible, DH and I would like to screen and hire on our own. But what are the logistics behind having a nanny? What are we responsible for? Do we make deductions for income tax, CPP, etc.? Do we make sure they are licensed/bonded? Do I even know what I am talking about? No. So, please comment with info and help if you can...

Our little family is headed to Maui next week for a little rest and relaxation before Christmas...and I am SO excited! DH and I have birthdays one day apart, and every year we usually escape to the mountains for a romantic getaway. This year, however, DH suggested we take an actual trip, considering I am off and we won't get this opportunity again. So he asked where I wanted to go, I said "Maui" - and boom! We're off to Maui. Yippee!!

For those that still read this little blog - Happy Holidays. May your home and hearts be filled with magic and more love than you have every known. May the New Year bring every happiness, and may your families experience good health and good fortune. Thank you for being there...

XOXO,
Springroll

Thanksgiving Musings

2010-10-11T08:07:00.006-07:00

Where do I even begin to outline all of the reasons that I am thankful this year?

Let's start with the obvious -

I am thankful for my little lovebug. It seems like a light-year ago that DH and I were yearning for a sweet-smelling, squirmy little baby to hold in our arms. And here we are - our hard-fought battle has been won and we are now busy changing diapers, singing nursery rhymes, mixing rice cereal and tickling toes. In all of the ways that we are thankful this year, we are most grateful that God answered our prayers and brought us our son. If we never received another gift for as long as we live, I think we would be okay - each day with our son is a gift to us now.

I am thankful for my husband. He is not perfect - and neither am I. But he is my rock. He is my best friend, the greatest daddy and a fine man. He makes my little boy's eyes light up just by walking into the room. He stood by and supported me through the darkest times of my life, always making me feel loved. I really am a lucky girl.

I am so very grateful for my family. My parents - where do I begin? They are amazing. They love me with their whole hearts - I feel it in everything that they do for me. They have encouraged me and helped me with so many things - I know that I can always count on them, and I can only hope that they feel the same way about me. My mom comes over once a week to help me give Mason one of his baths...this is their special bonding time. She saves up all of her special cuddles and snuggles for her littlest grandson. She never criticizes me, and always give fantastic advice. I couldn't do it without my parents - and especially my mommy.

My sister and her family are also important in my life and I am so glad that they are in it, My sister is my hero - she ran another marathon this weekend and though she did not make a qualifying time for the Boston Marathon (her goal), the mere fact that she trains hard, stays the course, and works toward this goal - no matter the pain - makes her an incredible woman. She has also always been there for me, and I love her for it.

There are some very special friends in my life that I am grateful for as well. These friends listen to me, laugh with me, cry with me and make my life so much richer.

I know that I don't always take the time to think about all of the things that I have, and especially in these last three years everything has seemed overshadowed by our struggles with infertiity. There have been good days, but so many bad...though now that Mason has joined our lives, everything seems so much better that even the bad days aren't that hard anymore.

It's been wonderful to share in Mason's first Thanksgiving. He sat with my sister during dinner and watched every forkful of food going into her mouth (something tells me he's going to be a good little eater!) It's going to be a goal of mine to make every holiday really special for him...to surround him with the love of family...and create memories that will last him (and us!) a lifetime.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

xoxo

Half a Year...A Whole Lotta Love!

2010-09-11T08:28:00.008-07:00

My baby turns 6 months old today....where does the time go?

Warning: This blog entry will be a bit "gushy"...yes, I am going to wax poetic about my beautiful, amazing baby boy. Please bear with me, for I am one proud mama...

There are countless ways that Mason brings joy into my life every single day.

In the mornings, I can often hear him babbling to himself happily in his crib (as he waits for me to fetch him, change him and give him breakfast) and it makes me smile. When I pop into his room, bend down beside his crib, peer at him through the slats and greet him, he always gives me the biggest grin. Ahh, my baby is morning person, through and through, and he always starts his days off with a great little attitude.

He is such a little chatterbox now - and lately, his favourite thing to do has been to give "raspberries". He will carry on (what is in his mind) a full conversation with you - he babbles away, pauses to look at you for a response, and then continues. If he is keeping you company while you do some of the more mundane things in life (like cleaning the kitchen or folding laundry) and he feels that you aren't acknowledging his chatter, he will grunt at you and look at you expectantly. Then, when you take the time to respond, he will beam.

Mason is a pro at rolling all around the ground. And when he is on his tummy, you can tell that he is trying hard to move/crawl. It won't be long now when he'll be motoring around...can't wait to see that happen.

He giggles at the cutest things. Like when you say "Mmmm..." or "Boo!" At first, he'll give you a smile...and if you continue with those sounds, he will give you a full-on, full-bellied giggle, that always ends with a squeal! The best giggle that I get is when I nuzzle his soft little neck and shower him with kisses....and oh, how I love to do that...

Mason has a blankie. And he loves it. He will suck on it, rub his little eyes with it, and hug it tight when he is tired. He likes to drape it over himself when he is nursing, and it comforts him when he is crying. He is my little Linus. There are days when we have his blankies all over the house...and when my lovebug is napping, all is quiet, and I am tidying up the place, I love to find his blankies draped here, there and everywhere. I will often hold the found treasures up to my nose and inhale deeply - oh, I just love the smell of my baby...

Mason is an amazingly content, easy baby. He's been sleeping 7 hours through the night since he was 3.5 months old...I know that we are lucky. He knows his nights from his days and is so good with the schedule we have him on. I always feel terribly guilty if I have to stray from it (if, for example, I am having lunch with friends or there is a playdate arranged...) But he seems adaptable, and it doesn't take him long to get him back on track.

Mason has been healthy thus far (...knock on wood). I thank God everyday for blessing us with a happy, healthy child. We leave for the Mayan Riviera tomorrow morning (...speaking of getting him off-schedule...) and I am hoping that his strong immune system carries him through this vacation, incident free.

Happy 6 month birthday, Mason. For a little guy who's only been around for half a year, you sure have brought a whole lotta love into our lives. You have touched our lives and enriched it in ways that you cannot even begin to imagine. Baby, I love you all the way to the moon - and back again.

One...Part Two...

2010-08-14T09:02:00.002-07:00

Man, I can't stop thinking about it.

DH and I had the chance to discuss things again last week, and we have decided that I will not be going for another IVF cycle in an effort to conceive a second child. When we look back at everything that it took to have our little Dim Sum, the realization of just how much we went through hits us. Because the main cause of our infertility was egg quality, it took a lot to create a healthy embryo - my poor response to stims, despite the extremely large dosages of drugs I had to inject, was so disappointing. And it's scary to think about the large amount of hormones and drugs that I had coursing through my system (especially estrogen, which I had copious amounts of during this last - successful - cycle). All of that takes such a toll - and with a baby at home to take care of, cycling would be extra difficult....and I want to be able to enjoy every single second with my son. I also want to be around for a long, long time to see my son grow into a man (I have heard that ovulation inductions using fertility drugs, as well as increased exposure to estrogens, are linked to an increased risk of ovarian and breast cancers, respectively). So no, no more IVF for us.

Despite the fact that AF has returned, my cycles are in no way regular yet. This month, I dug out my old friend, Mr. Clearblue Fertility Monitor, to use. Discovered that I ovulated on Day 17 (which is late for me...) and then AF arrived on Day 23. Crap. Obviously it will take a little while for things to balance themselves out again...and hopefully they will. Because au naturel will be the only means by which we will be trying for another little angel.

Does this make me sad? YES. I cuddle my little man everyday and wistfully hope that he gets to be a big brother. I stroke his cheek and will every minute to slow down so that I can enjoy every part of his "babyness". I watch my husband with him and wish that he could be an amazing daddy to more than one child. But at this point in our lives, having been so supremely blessed with our son, I couldn't ask for anything more.

So now I concentrate on making each day count with and for our son. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, I will still know how damn lucky we are...because we have already won the lottery.

Is "One" Really the Loneliest Number?

2010-07-31T07:21:00.005-07:00

Right now, it's 8:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning and I am one-finger typing. My little lovebug is sitting on my lap, happily chewing on his hands and kicking his legs. Oh, there's an occasional spit-up or two as well...but he is content. Daddy is still asleep and Mommy is waiting for the washing machine to finish (loose diaper in the middle of the night = soaking wet sleepsack...which my son can't sleep without!) And when the house is quiet like this, my mind starts to wander to the one thing that has been troubling me of late...

What about #2?

Seems ridiculous to even think about this right now, given all of the problems we have had and the fact that our little one is only 4 and a half months old. I feel greedy even allowing the thought to enter my head. I feel as though I have no right to think about this, because unlike many others, I won my hard fought battle...with the ultimate prize...

But time slows down for nobody...it marches on and on, in my case leaving its nasty imprint on my ovaries and eggs. For someone whose infertility issues are related to egg quality, time is an unwelcome entity.

DH and I have talked about it - he seems less concerned than I. While he's never actually said it aloud, I believe that he would be happy with having one child in our lives. He has said he's not sure if he wants to do another IVF - to see me go through it all again. He's told me not to obsess about getting pregnant again; to relax and take it one day at a time. He has said, "We never even thought we could be parents to one - but here we are. We should be happy." And it's not that I'm unhappy (oh, God, on the contrary...everyday that I look into my lovebug's eyes I feel more than happiness than I could ever imagine...). It's just that there is so much love in our little family that I want to be able to share it with another child. Is that selfish of me?

So here I am, wrestling with the pros and cons of having a one-child family. There are definitely some pros - more time and resources to spend on our little lovebug, which means exposure to so many more opportunities. But will he be lonely? Will he turn out spoiled? Is he going to turn into a little adult, incapable of relating to peers his own age? Will we have a hard time explaining to him why he can't have a little brother or sister?

In my mind, I know that I shouldn't be wasting my time worrying about this. Realistically, I truly should feel happy, satisfied, and fulfilled. I have one happy, healthy baby.

But this lurks in the recesses of my mind every now and then...

Wouldn't it be great if I had two?

Life Day

2010-07-15T23:33:00.004-07:00

Yesterday was a special day for us. Last July 14th was the day that our sweet baby boy was conceived. It was a day filled with anxiety and fear, then joy and hope - we didn't know what to expect with the egg retrieval and, truth be told, I went in with low expectations so that I wouldn't once again be devastated. But on this day, one year ago, the embryologist told us that our eggs looked good. And then our baby was created.

A gal whose blog I used to follow called this day "Life Day" - the day that her baby was given life. This has always stuck with me - and now, here I am, celebrating our own life day with a beautiful four month old baby boy. I can't believe that it's been a year! It definitely seems like yesterday that we were on that rollercoaster...the ups and downs seemed neverending. But the end result was worth the tumultuous ride.

Mason continues to amaze us each day. He learned to roll over from his back to his front on Canada Day, while on a visit to his Granny and Grampa's in Kelowna. We had him sleeping in the Kidco Pea Pod (a travel bed that looks like a miniature tent) - and at the end of one of his afternoon naps, I found him face down on the carpet of the guest room at my in-laws'...he had rolled out of the tent!! Poor little guy was wailing and flailing his little arms...he has since learned to better control the rolling, and is just beginning to get the hang of rolling back onto his back. It has been a worrisome couple of weeks, though, with Mason rolling onto his tummy to sleep. The first couple of nights were pretty much sleepless for me - I was constantly waking up to check on him. But according to the many "experts" (read: Mommies) on "Dr. Google", there isn't anything to worry about - as long as the crib is empty of all blankets, bumper pads and toys. It seems that if a baby is old enough to roll, he is old enough to stay safe.

I love when he keeps me company during the day. My favourite thing to do is to place him in his Bumbo chair and situate him in the kitchen so that he can watch me cook. He coos and gurgles and we have really great conversations while I'm preparing dinner! He is such a little lovebug, and as time goes on and he becomes more interactive, I find myself falling more and more in love (if that is possible!)

Sigh. Happy Life Day, my sweetie. Although you don't know it, you have filled our lives with amazing sunshine and happiness. We love you!

3 Months!

2010-06-11T21:37:00.001-07:00

Happy 3 month birthday, my little Dim Sum! You make Mummy so proud...
xoxo

My LoveBug is Twelve Weeks Old!

2010-06-03T15:44:00.005-07:00

Sigh.

Mason is twelve weeks old today. Hard to believe. These past three months have been so amazing - words can hardly describe them. I had heard from so many people that the first six weeks with a newborn is hell - and I can't say that I disagree. But along with that hell came so much love and happiness that the dark days were overshadowed. Then, when we finally got into a groove and everyone got used to each other, each day was a day of discovery (for both Mason and his parents!) He has taught us so many things - about patience and caring, and total, absolute, unconditional love...

Mason's finally reached the start of the "fun point" - he is smiling and cooing and gurgling in response to our interactions with him. He is a happy baby (for the most part...except during nap time!) and for that, we are grateful. And we know that there's more fun around the corner...

Our little guy is ready to move into his own room. Up until this point, we had him in a bassinette beside our bed, and it was so lovely (and comforting) to hear his little sighs and grunts throughout the night as he slept soundly. I'm going to miss hearing it all - even the sound of him unloading into his diaper!! And so will my dear husband; as a matter of fact, he said that other night that he was really going to miss having our son in our room, and that he knows he'll be running into Mason's bedroom to check on him every five minutes! This is a brand new kind of separation anxiety...

In other news, it would appear that my body is ready to make another baby... (hahahahahahaha...*picks self up off floor*). Good old AF showed up on June 1st, amid much confusion (isn't she supposed to stay away for the duration of my breastfeeding days?) My mum actually cautioned me to go on birth control now (again, hahahahahahahaha....) but my husband is thrilled. "We can start trying again!" he exclaimed happily. Um, honey - did someone forget that we are infertile? :)

A special message to all of my special cyberfriends that follow this humble little blog - happy spring! Whatever your circumstance, embrace this season as a time for renewal. Keep your faith. Hang in there. I am sending you hugs...

Five Fast Facts about....Mason!

2010-05-22T20:25:00.004-07:00

Where do the days go?

I have a beautiful baby journal that I have yet to begin writing in. A blog that I haven't posted on in weeks. Feet that are screaming for a pedicure. A house that desperately needs tidying. Cheques that need depositing. And a husband that needs a little lovin'.

And all because of a little man named Mason.

Here are five fast facts about my little monkey -

1. He has the hiccups at least once a day. This was the way it was when he was in utero - I constantly felt the reverberation of hiccups in my tummy. Poor little thing - when he was littler, he couldn't hiccup and cry at the same time, so whenever he had the hiccups, we popped him into his bassinette to sleep. He couldn't fuss - because of the hiccups - so he just fell asleep instead. Awesome.

2. He hates naps. I have the darnedest time putting him down for a nap during the day - he figures there's waaaay too much fun going on around him. Never wants to miss out on a thing. So he wails and wails and wails - and the little tears streaming down his face rip at my heartstrings. So I end up picking him up for a cuddle. Sigh. Sleep training going out the window...

3. He has a funny little way of checking to make sure you're still around when he's falling asleep. He opens up one eye (usually the right one) and takes a peek. He's been doing this since he was born - I noticed it when we were in the NICU. Cutest thing EVER.

4. When he is trying to do something - lift his head during tummy time, get out of his swaddle, etc. - he makes these tiny little grunting noises, like he is really trying hard. He is such a determined, strong little guy. He's been able to hold his head up since he was a week old, and he's got powerful little legs that love to kick and press. He's going to be a great athlete one day.

5. He is a mama's boy. He knows my voice, loves my singing. Cuddles right into me. Finds comfort in me. Looks deep into my eyes and smiles at me from the very core of his little heart. When he is tired, he will fuss and fuss with anyone else, but the minute I hold him, he stops. And sighs. And relaxes his body into mine. And at that very moment, I know that all is right with the world.

Slowly but surely, our routines are getting established. I am trying to get Mason on a schedule, but it's hard. Even though he's only 2 months old, I can't help but panic slightly - "...he's already 2 months old and we haven't got him on a schedule?!?"

Everything revolves around his feeds - and since I am no longer waking him up at night to feed him, his feed times change everyday because he doesn't always wake up at the same time in the middle of the night to nurse. Hence, the difficulty in scheduling him.

In my heart, I know that it will all happen in due time. Best for me just to enjoy every single second with my little lovebug.

On Becoming a Mother...

2010-05-09T15:32:00.004-07:00

I have waited so long for this day.

10 months ago, every day seemed to be filled with anxiety and uncertainty. Injections, patches, ultrasounds - it seemed never ending and in moments when I thought our luck would never take a turn for the better, I reminded myself of the end goal and I pushed forward. Always praying, always hoping.

And here I am today.

This morning, at 5:00 a.m., I held my son to my breast and looked into his eyes. I stroked his cheek and I cried.

But this time, they were tears of joy.

Because I had waited so long for this day - and it had finally come.

Every year, DH and I used to host my family's Mother's Day dinner at our house....the theory being that my sister and my mom deserved the night off, and because I wasn't a mother, I could do the cooking and the hostessing. But this year, things were different...

We went out for dinner last evening, and my sister and mom embraced me so warmly. They whispered, "Happy Mother's Day". And it felt so nice. I have become a Mother.

I have been given a wonderful gift - a little one who touches my heart and soul every day. And I will never, ever squander this opportunity - because this incredibly elusive gift was so hard to get. Of all the blessings that I count on a daily basis, this one is the very best.

Red Eggs and Ginger

2010-04-11T21:40:00.005-07:00

Today marked our baby boy's one month birthday. And, as is the Chinese custom, we held a big Red Egg and Ginger Party for Mason, filled with good food, loving family, and wonderful friends.

What, you may ask, is a Red Egg and Ginger Party? Centuries ago, when medical resources and medical knowledge were not plentiful, infant mortality rates were high. The Chinese considered the one-month mark to be the "safe point" at which the baby's survival was assured - thus, a large celebration was held to introduce the baby to family and friends. The baby's name was announced at this celebration, and the mother (who was supposed to stay indoors to convalesce during the first month...) was finally able to rejoin the community. Red eggs and ginger are handed out to the party guests, and the baby is given gifts of lucky money in red envelopes. A Red Egg and Ginger Party is meant to be a very joyous occasion for everyone attending!

Obviously, I haven't been housebound for a month, but it was definitely nice to get dressed up for a night out. We held Mason's party at our favourite Chinese restaurant, and had approximately 40 guests. DH's parents came into town for the party, and we had the chance to gather together all of our close friends - what a great evening! The food was spectacular and the mood was festive. Mason looked adorable, dressed in a little red sleeper (P.S. - ask me how hard it was to find a red outfit for a newborn baby boy!!), and he charmed everyone with his calm demeanour. He spent the better part of the night being handed around from person to person - everyone wanted a cuddle. Everyone remarked at what a sweet little baby he is - and I couldn't disagree. Even though it was a long night, my little boy didn't complain one bit - he was so patient. I was so proud of him!

It's hard to believe that one month has passed by already...it's been filled with a lot of sleepless nights and diaper changes, but I definitely wouldn't change a thing. I have waited so long for this - and am enjoying every single second.

Happy One Month Birthday, my son. We love you!

Mason's Birth Story

2010-03-18T13:33:00.009-07:00

So many women that I have talked with have said that their labour and deliveries were all a blur, and many have commented that they don't recall a thing about it all - they only remember the moment when their precious babies entered their lives. With this in mind, I was determined throughout my experience to remember every single moment - because I don't know whether or not I will to through it again....

So, with great detail - here is my son Mason's birth story....

Following my last entry (Tuesday, March 9th), I hustled over to Walmart to pick up what I deemed might be the essentials in preparation for going into labour. My parents (bless their hearts!) came with me, and patiently pushed the cart along while I frantically filled it - diapers, soothers, wipes, onesies, nursing bras, cozy socks - you name it, I snatched it from the shelves and threw it into the buggy! The burst of adrenalin was incredible - I was so worried about being unprepared that I didn't stop for air until I had spent over 200 bucks and had everything that I thought would make me ready to be a mommy.

When I arrived home, I was shocked to discover that my mucus plug had come out - and there was quite the "show" (as it is called). The sight of so much blood made me panic, but I had learned from one of the prenatal classes that we had attended that this was to be expected. I rested that evening - and the hours passed by uneventfully. In fact, things were so status quo that I decided I was going to go into work the next day!

In the morning, I put a call into my doc, as the "show" had not let up and I was beginning to get concerned. She suggested that I come in right away so that she could check my cervix again - if it was anywhere near 8 cm, she said, she was going to ship me into the hospital right away! "Ha!" I thought to myself, "I'm ready this time!!" I conscientiously put the suitcase that I had packed for the hospital the night before into the trunk of my car, and off I went! Once I arrived, I got checked and Doc determined that I was still 4 cm dilated - "I don't think this baby is coming this week!" she announced confidently. So off I went to work!
That afternoon, I was beginning to cramp, but brushed the cramping off as Braxton Hicks contractions. I had a ton of work to finish up and was feeling stressed that I didn't have enough time to tie up all of the loose ends. The cramping was sharp but didn't follow any sort of pattern or timing, so I pressed on...much to the chagrin of my colleagues, who scolded me for being there!

When I arrived home, I was exhausted and decided to take a nap. However, the dull aches woke me shortly, and with DH out with friends that evening, I decided that perhaps I should pick myself up some dinner (would that help with the cramping? Perhaps they were hunger pains?) I drove over to the neighbourhood Asian take-out. Every so often in the car, a cramp would appear - this time strong enough to take my breath away. But a big bowl of Vietnamese noodles was calling my name, so I had to focus and get myself fed!

Once dinner was tucked away in my pregnant belly, I decided I should lie down and take it easy. And this is where it really began...

Settling into a movie ("Ghosts of Girlfriends Past"), my enjoyment was interrupted every 10 minutes or so with a painful contraction (yes...I was willing at this point to acknowledge them as contactions...) and panic began to set in. I watched the clock and began timing them...and at about 9:30 p.m., I realized that the pains were coming about every seven minutes! I called DH and began to cry on the phone...telling him to hurry home...telling him that the baby was coming...telling him that I was scared...

When he arrived home, he sat with me and timed the contractions. To distract me, we finished watching the movie and as he held my hand, the pains became more intense. We left for the hospital at 11:40 p.m. - with contractions that were six minutes apart and growing stronger.

We arrived at the hospital and got ourselves checked into the maternity wing triage just before midnight, and at this point the contractions were so painful that I couldn't talk - all I could do was moan (...anyone who knows me knows that this was what I feared. An overt sign of weakness. Moaning like a wounded animal. I didn't want DH to see me like this.) Once the resident on duty arrived, he checked my cervix and determined that I was 5 cm dilated. They hooked me up to an IV line, notified the anesthetist that I wanted an epidural, and whisked me away to Labour and Delivery.

Approximiately 2:00 a.m. - and life's little blessing arrived in the form of an anesthetist, who efficiently inserted the catheter that would administer my epidural. By this point, my contractions were only two minutes apart - and I was in an incredible amount of pain. I was also already 8 cm dilated, and the nurse indicated that soon I would get to start pushing! This statement panicked me for a moment, and I looked at DH - who was grinning from ear to ear! Once the epidural kicked in, I was actually able to take a nap, which I was so grateful for since I needed to store up some energy before the real show began!
I was awoken (rather harshly!) by one of the nurses a couple of hours later, as I had been sleeping on my left side and somehow this was bringing my baby's heartrate down. I had to turn over and find a new position in order to get the baby's heartrate back up. At this point, they checked my cervix again (discovering that I was at 10 cm), went in and broke my water so that I could begin pushing, and then instructed me to start.

I'm not gonna lie to you - pushing was hard work. Definitely not painful, due to the epidural, but I was pushing as hard as I could, yet I couldn't really tell what impact it was having since I was numb from the waist down (...in my estimation, the only downfall of having an epidural...) This caused me to try and push harder! Unfortunately, about ten minutes into the pushing, the baby's heartrate took a nose-dive - and this was where it got scary!

Up unti this point, it had just been me, DH and our lovely nurse in the birthing room. However, at this point, the nurse pushed the "call" button and said "Can I get some help in here?!?" She also asked for the doctor to be paged immediately. Within seconds, we were surrounded by the on-call OB, his resident, about five nurses, and the neo-natalogist. I looked up at my husband, frantically searching his face for a clue as to what was going on...but he just reassured me and told me that things were going to be okay (I later learned that he was just as panicked as I was...)

The OB ended up having to attach a vacuum to our baby's head, and instructed me to push HARD, five times in a row. It took some doing, but about 20 minutes later the doctor said "Look down, look down! Here comes your baby!" and when I did as I was told, I saw the most beautiful little baby emerging. It was like looking through the gates of heaven.

DH and I got the chance to hold Mason for a brief moment, but then they had to take him right away to the NICU, as he was having some difficulties breathing and was looking rather gray. DH went with him, and as I lay in the birthing room, a flood of emotions overcame me - overwhelming joy at what had just happened; worry about my little son; pride that I had done it! It was such a magical moment - I don't think any other will ever equal it.

They ended up keeping Mason in the NICU for 48 hours, just to monitor his breathing. But he is perfect in every way - our little blessing from God.

Welcome to the world, Mason - you are so loved.

OMG!

2010-03-09T12:04:00.002-08:00

So I'm at the doc's this morning for my weekly check up and she's trying to find the baby's head. She can't, so she's worried it's transverse. Let's check things out, she says, as she straps on the rubber glove...

Insert finger...(ouch!)...extract finger...and she exclaims, "Oh, Springroll! You're 4 cm dilated and the head is down and engaged! No wonder we couldn't find it!!"

So she tells me that I have a 25% chance of going into labour in the next 48 hours.

I am freaking out. I have nothing ready.. and I'm not exaggerating! No diapers, no sleepers, no soother...nothing!!! The carseat isn't even installed yet!!

OMG!!!

"Hive" Got an Itch!!

2010-02-28T16:59:00.003-08:00

Okay, nobody prepared me for what I went through last evening.

Out of nowhere, I developed the worst case of hives I have ever had in my entire life! It started out as a random itchiness throughout the my torso, so being the Einstein that I am, I decided to take a lukewarm shower and then moisturize, thinking that my skin was simply dry. Boy was I in for a surprise!

Shortly after my shower, my entire torso turned an angry shade of red (picture the worst sunburn you have ever had...), and then I started getting welts - the worst of them on the sides of my body beside my tummy and my breasts. My back was all blotchy with welts as well, and the rash was quickly making its way up my neck and behind my ears. Needless to say, it was not pretty. I drove over to the local walk-in medicentre, but was frustrated to discover a sign that said "Due to a shortage of physicians, we are closed at 4:00 p.m. today". Ack! I zipped home, then made a phone call to a nurse at Healthlink.

She asked a ton of questions ("Is the baby still moving? Have you had any abdominal pains? Have you vomited? Is there any bleeding?"), but by the end of it, even she was stumped about what had brought this on! She made a referral for me to go to the "after hours clinic" for the next morning, and gave me some coping strategies to ease the itch in the meantime. I ended up lying in a lukewarm baking soda bath, with my dearest husband bathing me tenderly with a washcloth. I'm sure that I looked a fright!! By after the bath, the welts began to go away...and by morning, they were all gone. Weird.

My research on Dr. Google tells me that I either a) had an allergic reaction to something I had eaten, or b) had "PUPPP - Pruritic Uticarial Papules and Plaques of Pregnancy". Apparently, PUPPP is a common rash amongst pregnant women, and whilst its cause is unknown, it is most common in the third trimester of first pregnancies (average onset, 35 weeks!) and interestingly is more common amongst women who go on to deliver baby boys! Quite honestly, though, I don't think that I had PUPPP, because it's supposed to last on average up to 6 weeks - and my rash went away overnight. But boy, was it ever freaky!

In other news...

DH and I went to our first pre-natal class last week, led by what could be the cheeriest woman I have ever met! It was interesting to watch DH's reaction to things that were being shared...he has so much less experience with infants than I do that I think this course will benefit him the most. We didn't see "the video" - which, according to the instructor, was NOT edited for television (that will be this week's class). I am bracing myself for the horror. Can I tell you a secret? I am scared to have my husband see me in the labouring stage...the moaning and grunting and shrieking....I'm pretty sure it'll freak him out. Can others relate?

35 weeks as of today. Wow. We don't have much more time before our little Dim Sum is delivered. I can't wait to hold him and look into his eyes...

The REAL Inspiration...

2010-02-18T21:22:00.004-08:00

On and off over the course of these last two years that I have been blogging, I have had some lovely individuals post a comment or two about how I have inspired them....which has meant more to me than anyone could ever know.

But this week, I happened upon a story of REAL inspiration. After reading this entry and looking at all of the pictures, I cried. And it renewed my belief that with spiritual support and the love of family and friends, we can fight any challenge, no matter how difficult.

I would have to say that this lady is the true inspiration...read her story: Enjoying the Small Things

XOXO,
Springroll

Family Day

2010-02-15T13:08:00.002-08:00

What a fantastic weekend this has been.

First of all, it afforded me some much needed rest, as I had the luxury of a 4 day weekend (got Friday off, which is normally the time that local teachers working for school boards had to attend Teachers' Convention...but because we are a private school, we did our PD on the Thursday instead...and of course, it was provincial Family Day holiday today...) I am finding that sleep is one thing right now that I cannot seem to get enough of. I've had such a difficult time sleeping through the night - constant visits to the bathroom, coupled with awkward sleep positions have me up at least once every evening, usually around 4:00 a.m. Then when I return to bed, I can't seem to fall back asleep. So this four day weekend allowed me to take some quality naps and just putter around the house...it's been great.

Valentine's Day was absolutely amazing. I awoke to a bedroom decorated with red balloons and beautiful heart cut-outs. My husband gave me the most wonderful gift - what he called the "Love Connection Game". Basically, he presented me with a scroll tied in red ribbon - which contained five questions about our relationship. I was to answer each question at a specific time of the day - and if I got the correct answer, I got to peel back a red ribbon on the scroll that described what my prize would be. My 9:00 a.m. prize was breakfast in bed. My 10:00 a.m. prize was a bouquet of beautiful roses. My 3:00 p.m. prize was a 30 minute back massage. My 6:00 p.m. prize was my favourite meal (chicken parmigiana) cooked for me. And my 9:00 p.m. prize was a foot massage with peppermint lotion. I tell ya - he went above and beyond to spoil me on Valentine's Day, and I fell more in love with him than ever. I have the most wonderful husband in the world...

Now, this weekend was also Chinese New Year, and we got the chance to go out with my family to celebrate on Saturday night. I love to go for dinner with my family, as it's always big and festive! On Sunday, DH and I went down to our local Chinese Cultural Centre to watch the traditional Chinese Dragon Dance...spectacular. Even though DH is Caucasian, he really loves everything about the Chinese culture and he has learned so much since being married. I can't wait until we can share our Chinese traditions with our little Dim Sum.

Time, of course, continues to fly by (I know I say that all the time!!) and pretty soon, our little Dim Sum will be here. He has been quite the gymnast this weekend - tossing and turning inside my tummy. I think he especially liked the drumming of the Dragon Dance - I could almost feel him moving to the rhythmic beat as I stood watching the colourful display! Each time I feel him moving, my heart swells with happiness and I cannot wait to meet him...

Only 7 more weeks, Baby, until I get to hold you in my arms...

31 weeks and counting...

2010-01-31T19:34:00.007-08:00

Only 63 days left!

This countdown is even better than the countdown to Christmas!! I still find myself amazed that I am where I am...it seems so surreal.

Little Dim Sum is an incredibly active baby, and these days not an hour goes by that I don't feel him either hiccuping or turning a million somersaults inside my tummy. I do find myself wishing that my husband could feel these same sensations; even though he puts his hand on my belly to feel "the show", I just don't think it's the same! I know that he would think it's amazing to feel what I feel.

Sooo...starting to get a little nervous about the whole birth thing. I'm worried that I'm not fit enough to go through labour. From what I've read, it's a HUGE workout, requiring a lot of energy and stamina. Have I got what it takes?

Last month, in an effort to get myself into said shape, I signed up for a pre-natal fitness class at my local gym. The description said "No previous fitness experience required". So I got myself registered and eagerly looked forward to the first class.

When I showed up, the instructor gathered us all, took attendance, and then immediately started in on us. Without any kind of warm up, she asked us to do lunges for about 100m, then 20 push-ups. This was followed by another set of lunges for 100m, then 20 more pushups. I thought I was going to DIE. And part way through the lunging, she came over to me and said, "Oh, you're putting your weight on the balls of your feet; you should be stepping down on your heel." Did she realize that I was putting weight on the front of my foot because my big belly was dragging me forward?!? The lunging/pushups were followed by stairs (up, down, up down for 40 reps on each foot). This was followed by squats for 200m, 8 minutes on the rowing machine, weights (biceps and triceps), then stomach crunches (pilates style).

Needless to say, I couldn't walk for days afterwards...

And p.s. - I have since dropped out of that class.

No fitness experience necessary, my ass!!

But then this got me thinking - am I really THAT out of shape? If I can't handle an exercise class, what makes me think I can handle childbirth? What if I'm so out of shape that labour takes forever? What if I don't have the strength to push little Dim Sum out of me? Ack!

There is no point in asking my sister for advice. She ran a marathon when she was 4 months pregnant with my niece, and continued to work out throughout both of her pregnancies. When I told her about my exercise class experience, she tritely said to me, "Well, if that were me, I would be able to handle it..." I felt like jumping through the phone and clobbering her.

Sigh. I know it's too early to panic. But does anyone out there have any advice for me? I don't mind hearing bad labour stories...I'd rather be prepared than blissfully ignorant, only to be slammed when the sh*t hits the ceiling!

I'm Going Crazy...

2010-01-11T19:09:00.015-08:00

Okay, this is going to be a stupid blog entry....so to my IF friends who faithfully read my updates, I apologize in advance. To those newcomers who have stumbled upon my humble little blog, I don't blame you if you never want to read my blog again. But I am going crazy!

I can't decide what to do with the nursery. Quite simply put, I am overwhelmed. First of all, DH and I disagree a bit on what we would like to see - I would like something soft, understated, and "elegant" looking (for lack of a better word..) Here are just a few examples of what I love:

I really look the love of a handsewn quilt, and the above sets have them! The first set is called "My First ABC", from Kidsline, and the other two sets are from Pottery Barn Kids ("Cottontail Friends" and "Jungle Friends".

DH, on the other hand, would like to see as much colour as possible. Bright reds, blues, and greens. His favourite set is this one:

It's called "T is for Tiger". I don't mind it, but I don't love it - and shouldn't I love the room that we put little Dim Sum into? I have spent literally hours upon hours combing the internet looking for crib bedding that will appeal to me and appease my husband. And so far, we can't seem to agree on anything.

Told you this was a lame entry.

P.S. For those wanting a good deal, check out Baby Supermall. Their prices are amazing! For example, the T is for Tiger set is being retailed at our local children's store, E-Children, for $270.00, while the fine folks at Baby Supermall have it on for $138.00. You can't beat a $140.00 savings!!

P.S.S. 28 weeks and counting!

Happy New Year!

2010-01-06T15:34:00.002-08:00

Is it me, or is time just zooming by? The winter holidays were wonderful, and I dare say this was the best Christmas I have ever had (...soon to be replaced by next Christmas, when our little Dim Sum waits for Santa for the first time...) Despite everyone's request that I pass along a Christmas wish list to make shopping easier, there honestly was not one thing that I wanted. I have everything that I could have every wished and prayed for - a loving husband, an inviting home, and a baby growing inside my tummy. Life is good.

DH and I went with friends out to Panorama Ski Resort for New Year's weekend, and it was simply spectacular! While the others went swooshing down the slopes, I had the chance to sit in our cozy condo (by the fireplace), and just look out at the gently falling snow. I got to visit the resort spa for a (much-needed) massage, and get caught up in my pregnancy journal. And I got to eat! I went for walks and watched young families tobogganing down snowy slopes, and I even rode the resort gondola down to the "lower village" to shop at the General Store. Dim Sum and I had a great time!

But of course, it's back to reality for us now, with work and other real-life inconveniences!

Dim Sum is an incredibly active little boy, and the constant kicks are reassuring. I am finding it increasingly difficult to stay asleep at night; no sleep position is really that comfortable, I find I am waking up in the middle of the night to pee, and Dim Sum enjoys thumping away at me if I am sleeping in a position that he doesn't care for. But know what? I worked damn hard to feel this way, so I wouldn't trade it for the world!! :)

DH and I talked the other day about what our plans would be for a second child after Dim Sum arrives...hard to imagine that we are already discussing it, given our struggles just getting to where we're at. But we're nothing if not realistic - even though we are pregnant, we still consider ourselves to be infertile. And because of this fact, our eyes are wide open to the need for planning. We have decided that our plan of action will be to try for a natural conception soon after Dim Sum's birth (but within a reasonable timeframe for healing! Ouch!), and if nothing happens in a year, we will go back to the Clinic. But in our hearts, both of us know how lucky we are to even have Dim Sum, so if Dim Sum is all that God blesses us with, we are thrilled.

Life really is good.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

2009-12-22T10:22:00.004-08:00

Boy...I have been missing in action, haven't I? Terrible. December has been the most hectic month ever, with various winter concerts at school, Christmas functions to attend, and Christmas shopping to pack in. Add to that the fact that we are hosting Christmas dinner for thirteen people, and that my in-laws are in town and staying with us for ten days...and I am bushed!! I feel as though I haven't had a minute to myself...but I do have some respite this morning, as my in-laws have gone shopping. So here I am.

It's hard to believe that a year ago this week we were praying for our little Nemo. We were so devastated on Boxing Day...I remember it like it was yesterday. But here we are, a year later, with our little Dim Sum kicking up a storm inside of me. Sometimes it takes patience, but we know that God answers prayers.

I was chatting with a mother of one of our students at school last week, and she gave me the sweetest suggestion, ever - she told me that when she was pregnant with her first child, she spent Christmas Eve reading "Twas the Night Before Christmas" to her unborn child. She said to me, "Next year, when the baby's here, he'll belong to everybody. But this Christmas, that baby is only yours. This is your special time with him - it'll just be the two of you, so enjoy it." This made me cry. I never thought of it that way. But she is so right. This little lovebug, snuggling inside of me- rolling, kicking, turning - it's our special time together. We are in our own little world right now, and I should cherish every minute of it. Because all too soon, it'll be over.

Sigh. What could I possibly ask for this Christmas that I don't already have? My every wish has come true. There is not one thing that I wanted more than the chance to be a mother - and here I am. In all of the Christmases that I have had, I cannot recall one more special than this one.

Merry Christmas to all of my wonderful IF friends. For those of you that have won the IF fight - I hope that enjoy every second of this special Christmas, as I will. For those of you that continue the battle - my Christmas wish for you is that you never give up hope; I know that one day, in some form, you will become the loving mothers that you were born to be.

May your holidays be filled with joy, laughter, and love.

XO,
Springroll

Running the Half Marathon...

2009-11-15T10:54:00.004-08:00

My sister ran a half-marathon today. While that may sound like an amazing feat to you or me, for her, it's par for course. She's a runner. She's run 10Ks, half-marathons and full marathons. She's participated in triathlons and run marathons in both Canadian and American cities. Her ultimate goal is to run a qualifying time for the Boston Marathon. I have always admired her focus and dedication - even when her body feels beat up and bruised. She has been my hero.

Today, I feel as though I have run my own half-marathon. You see, we are at 20 weeks today. Half-way there. And I guess you could say that I have shown the same sense of dedication and fortitude that my sister has - because I have also stayed the course. Ten years ago, I would never have thought that I would have it in me. Turns out I was wrong.

Our little baby boy is now very active - I feel him moving around in there everyday (is it a sign? He's going to be a little monkey, isn't he?) I am incredibly eager for my husband to feel him, too. It's such an amazing sensation and I am comforted by the tiny ripples that I feel inside my abdomen each day. I'm trying to learn what things will get him going - so far, sugar seems to be a big hit. I have my first appointment on Tuesday with my obstretician - the same lady who removed my polyp a year and a half ago. Great gal. Looking forward to getting some specs on how things are going with me - although my family physician is a great lady, she hasn't really done much these past two months other than weigh me, check my urine, and check my blood pressure. I am hoping that the OB will measure my tummy, check my cervix and do all of the other things that I deem to be "reassuring". I'm looking forward to the visit.

In other news, DH managed to snap up a diaper bag that I have coveted for quite some time - what a sweetie. Funny how the dumb little things can make a difference! I had purchased another one in Vegas on the weekend, but quite frankly it was a "settle purchase" and my husband knew that it was (I couldn't find the one that I really wanted to save my life!) So the other evening, he located and purchased the one that I wanted off of good old Ebay. What a guy!! Think I'll keep him.

I want to say hi to all of my cyber-friends that have hung in there with me and continue to read...know that I think about you all and thank God that you have been there to support me.

XOXO,
SR

Boy, oh Boy!

2009-11-06T12:07:00.009-08:00

It has been so long since I have posted, and I feel terrible for that. Some women are so good about posting their progress on a daily basis - but right now, I seem to be much more interested in reading other blogs and about others' experiences! I just can't be bothered to think about my own. However, I have decided to write more regularly, because I just know that one day I will look back on this time in my life and regret that I didn't record all of the little things that have made this pregnancy so special...

For starters, we didn't end up going to see a genetic counsellor and DH and I opted out of doing an amnio. With the result from our NT scan so positive, we just felt that we were comfortable enough. We know what the risks associated with IVF and ICSI are, as well as the risks associated with our ages at conception. With this knowledge, and with the testing results that we already had, we felt fine not tempting fate by going through with the amnio. I spoke on the telephone with one of the genetic counsellors (whose job it was to run through everything with me), thanked her for the information, and then hung up. Easy as that.

I did have a diabetes scare a few weeks back - a result of excess glucose found in my urine during the old routine dipstick tests. So my doctor sent me early for the gestational diabetes test - and let me tell you, it was the most boring 1.5 hours I have spent in my life. First of all, I had to drink that horrible orange fizzy stuff - then sit and wait and wait and wait. Keeping in mind that the day I was at the lab it seemed like everyone and their dog had the flu, and you can imagine how pleasant it was for me to be sitting in that waiting room for an hour! Everywhere I turned, people were hacking and sneezing and blowing. Ugh. Thankfully, it was all worth it as they discovered that I do not have gestational diabetes, and that the glucose spillover was nothing to be concerned about. Phew.

We had our 18 week anatomy scan today - and it was so amazing to see our little Dim Sum again. The baby was less active than the last scan, but it was wonderful to see the tiny heart beating away. There was still some wiggling around, but no fancy acrobatics as in the last appointment. The radiologist on duty said that we have a very "pretty baby" - everything was just fine and dandy. Measuring right on time, with all organs and body parts. What a blessing. And the best part?

We are elated - of course, we would have been thrilled if it turned out to be a little girl, but I really, really wanted a boy for my husband. We're not sure if this is going to be our only child, given our tremendous difficulties in conceiving. So I'm very happy that my husband will have a son to play with and teach and coach and love - and to carry on the family name.

I'm headed off to Vegas tonight with my Mum and Dad - a quick getaway to go shopping for the baby. I am so excited, because now the planning can begin in earnest. It'll be so much fun to shop for our son.

Wow. Our son. Two small but amazing little words.

I Still Believe...

2009-10-13T18:00:00.008-07:00

It's been a wonderfully uneventful couple of weeks, but sadly, this causes me to have nothing to blog about. Today, I am 15 weeks, 2 days pregnant and I am just beginning to feel our little Dim Sum's kicks in my belly....like the fluttering of butterfly wings, they come every so often to remind me of how blessed I am. This past weekend, we celebrated Thanksgiving with my family at my sister's house, and as my brother-in-law said grace, my eyes teared up as I thanked God (again) for this amazing gift that He has given us. I still - and always will - believe in miracles.

My new online obsession (now that I am no longer perseverating over infertility) has become stroller and car seat safety. Which model? What is safest? Which is lightest? Which one has the bells and whistles? Travel system or not? Where do I find the best deal? It's all incredibly overwhelming. Thankfully, I have a great deal of baby items from my sister, so I don't have to go through this with each item that we need (I think I'd go crazy if I did!) I think that I have narrowed it down to the Chicco Cortina Travel System -

Apparently, Consumer Reports ranked the car seat #1 for safety in 2008, and the stroller itself is a touch more lightweight than its competitors (an important point, since I am small and unbelievably wimpy). The seat back lowers all the way down to sleep position on this little number, and has a "memory" capability so that it can recall the last position you set the seat at. The car seat comes with a cushy head-support for newborns, and the base is supposed to be very easy to install. There are cup holders for both child and parent, and even a snack tray for the baby that is removable and dishwasher safe!! Man - it seems like the caddy of travel systems! I am pretty excited about it.

My sister tells me to avoid travel systems at all costs and to invest in a separate car seat and car seat frame, but I'm not too impressed with how low the car seat sits in a frame, and besides - I'd have to have a stroller eventually anyway! My husband laughs at this latest obsession. This past weekend, I was in a frenzy about the stroller, as it was on sale at Sears ("Baby Days") and when I called around, I discovered that most stores in our city had run out of stock. This drove me crazy, and when DH came home from the gym, I told him that he had to get showered right away because we had to go to Sears because we had to get the stroller before they ran out!! He shook his head and chuckled, "We have 5 more months! You don't think they'll get more stock in 5 months?!? You don't think they'll be another sale in the next 5 months?! Baby - you need to relax!!" Um...okay. Point taken.

If any of my cyber-friends can give me advice on strollers, I'd love to hear from ya! What worked for you? What didn't? If you had to buy a new one today, what would be different? Stroller-obsessed mommy-to-be would love to know!!

XOXO,
SR

Scan-tastic!

2009-09-30T15:56:00.003-07:00

When Monday afternoon finally rolled around, I was so nervous I thought I would burst. Half a litre of water in my system? Check. Requisition forms? Check. Directions to the Maternal/Fetal Health Centre? Check. Husband on the way? Check. I was ready to go.

We sat waiting for the loooongest time in the waiting area, and as I looked around at all of the other couples, my nervousness grew. We were first called in to speak with a nurse, who asked us questions about our IVF - apparently, they do factor that in when they calculate a woman's risk of having a child with chromosomal abnormalities. Of course, one of the reasons I was so nervous was due to the reason for our infertility - my bad eggs. Which, of course, can lead to chromosomal issues!! But in any case, following the mini-interview, we were sent back out to the waiting area once more, and waited another 20 minutes or so before they called me in to get my blood drawn. Shortly thereafter, DH and I got to go into the ultrasound room.

Wendy, our ultrasound tech, was chipper, which actually put me more at ease. But as I lay there with tummy exposed and gel slicked on, I held my breath as I concentrated on the screen. What would the scan show?

It showed a squirmy, active baby! I started to cry. All of this worrying about my baby, and here he/she was - rolling around, kicking and punching. Wendy kept calling the baby a "little turkey" and she giggled a few times as our baby continued his/her shenanigans. But her feedback was so positive - heartbeat of 153 bpm, measuring right on time. She said she could already see all four chambers of the heart, which was "...amazing..." (her word) at this stage. The stomach looked clean, the skull appeared normal and you could see its arms and legs. The best part was watching this baby move...and finally believing that maybe, just maybe, we were going to get our happy ending!

Our nuchal results were terrific - came back with a negative screen, and my risk is apparently lower than for a 20 year old woman!

I followed up with an appointment to see my GP today, who was obligated to remind us that we could have an amniocentisis, if we wanted to. She has also recommended that we go to see a genetic counsellor to discuss our risks, considering we had ICSI performed during the IVF (ICSI patients have a 1-2% increased risk of chromosomal disorders over natural conceptions). I am more than happy to sit down and learn all of the facts and risks - but I doubt we will proceed with the amnio. DH and I talked about it already - but I guess it doesn't hurt to discuss it again.

The best part about my appointment today was that my GP whipped out a doppler - and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. Oh - music to my ears. The gentle but rapid swish, swish, swish was just amazing...I am so happy that I don't think words can describe it!

Upward and onward - will post again to let you know what the genetic counsellor has to say!

XO,
Springroll

Happy Thirteen Weeks!

2009-09-27T09:31:00.003-07:00

Well, here we are at thirteen weeks!

DH and I will be going for our nuchal translucency scan tomorrow afternoon and I am very nervous about it. In addition to not knowing what to expect, I have been haunted by stories of "missed miscarriages" - women who have miscarried, but due to a complete lack of any symptoms (and as a matter of fact, they go through the opposite, where they continue to experience pregnancy symptoms!) they are not aware that their fetuses are no longer viable. I just hope and pray that we get good news tomorrow...to start off with, I just want to know that our little Dim Sum is still growing, with a strong, healthy heartbeat. As well, we will be getting bloodwork done and an ultrasound to determine what the likelihood is that this child has Down's Syndrome or chromosomal abnormalities. I have been praying every night that God is keeping this child safe and healthy.

I finally made the announcement last week that I am expecting - and I was really, really quite pleased with the response. I told my teachers at our weekly faculty meeting, to which there was immediate applause and cheers - and then a line up at the end of the meeting to give me hugs. I also let the cat out of the bag with some of our parent population, and they have been very kind as well. For those who know me well, they will know that I am not a fan of being in any kind of spotlight, and as a matter of fact get a little uncomfortable with how to respond in those situations. So this will take some getting used to. But I am happy that so many people are happy for us - it would appear that our struggle to conceive hasn't been the big secret that I thought it was! A few people commented that they were thrilled for me because they know how much I wanted it and how long it took. Infertility isn't as silent as we think, I guess.

Now, for the more unpleasant comments that I have already heard...and you knew there would be some!

One mother commented (after looking at my tummy), "Are you sure you're not having twins?" (Nice.)

Another said, "Well, it's not like you could hide it anymore!" (Really? I tried so hard!!!)

And finally, a comment from one of my teachers - "We all KNEW you were pregnant, you know. We were just waiting for you to say something!!!" (Wow, talk about taking the wind out of my sails!)

I will post an update from our nuchal after tomorrow's appointment - please say a prayer for us!

Eleven Weeks Today!

2009-09-13T14:18:00.010-07:00

I was undecided as to whether or not I should continue this blog, since its main focus was on our struggle with infertility. Speaking from personal experience, I know that it really helped to read the IF blogs of other women and know that I wasn't alone. I learned so much, shed so many tears, and smiled so many times just reading about what these brave women had gone through. I can only hope that my blog has touched others who are struggling as much. But would it be insensitive to now carry on, blogging about my pregnancy? I'm torn - the jury's out on that one. All I know is that without this blog as a medium for all of my thoughts, and without the support of the people who have read it, the battle would have been much, much more difficult.

I can't believe that I am only a week away from being done with the first trimester of pregnancy! It has been such an amazing time so far - but only because I have been blessed not to have any morning sickness at all. I almost feel guilty saying that out loud. At first, I was desperate to have it - in my heart, I thought that that was the only way I could know for sure that this pregnancy was going to be a healthy one. But as time passed, I got used to not feeling sick - and instead, took it as a sign that my energies were better spent enjoying the pregnancy everyday, not worrying about my lack of symptoms.

It was my intention, earlier on, to write about what I feel made the difference this past cycle...what was it that got us to this place? So many things played a positive factor - and I wanted to share some of them in hopes that it may help others. So...here it goes...apologies in advance for the long post...

The Fertility Clinic - DH and I had the good fortune of working with one of the top fertility clinics in the country. According to the 2007 Canadian ART registry, Regional Fertility Program in Calgary boasted a 51% success rate, as compared to an average of 35% success rate from all other Canadian IVF centres. The best part of it was that we got to work with Foothills by default - they are the only clinic in Calgary, and as such the first clinic that we got referred to by my family physician. Call it geographical luck.
Now, don't get me wrong - this clinic wasn't perfect and we definitely had our trials and tribulations with them. From unanswered telephones to rude nurses to missed ovulations to missing files to a skeptical RE, the clinic tested our patience many, many times. But at the end of the day - they got us pregnant. And for that, we shall be forever grateful.

Modern Medical Advances - the process of IVF aside (which, as far as I am concerned, is one of the most important, incredible medical advances of the 20th century), we also benefitted from ICSI and assisted hatching. With DH's inconsistent morphology and my age and egg quality working against us, we had the opportunity to increase our chances through the use of these two techniques. Though each came with their risks, at least we were able to do them! I truly think that I may not have gotten pregnant without them.

The Protocol - part of this is tied into our Clinic and our RE. We are so grateful that they were willing to try a completely "unconventional" (word used by our RE), relatively new, off-the-beaten-path protocol with me. The Agonist/Antagonist Conversion Protocol with Estrogen Priming, created by Dr. Geoffrey Sher, was a Godsend for us. It allowed us to have 5 perfectly healthy eggs to fertilize, and even though not all of them fertilized successfully, to a woman who was told that her eggs were crap, that number was music to the ears. It was an intense protocol, with an insanely high amount of drugs, but in the end it did the trick. I am so glad that my RE looked into this protocol at my urging, and I hope that my success buoys the clinic to try it with others.

My Insatiable Need to Research - okay, this one seems a little silly to mention. But seriously, I really do think that my thirst for knowledge in my own situation helped out tremendously. It was exhausting, disheartening, frustrating, and encouraging to read all of the research papers, case studies, forum posts and websites that contained information on poor egg quality. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for any woman going through infertility to research, research, research. Knowledge is Power.

Alternative Treatments - We spent over a thousand dollars on traditional Chinese medicinal treatments, as well as acupuncture. But DH and I figured - heck, we had already spent over $15,000.00 on our IUIs and IVF cycles, what was another grand? And even though DH was skeptical, I always believed that they would be of help, and now DH is a believer, too. I worked with a very good acupuncturist and Doctor of Chinese Medicine in the months leading up to my cycle, but then decided to switch to another professional whose specialty was in treating infertility and who was reknowned for her work here in Calgary. She was amazing. Gentle, supportive and encouraging. She came to the clinic on transfer day to give me treatments pre- and post-transfer. Her positive energy was infectious. Her skill and knowledge were beyond compare. I really, really do feel that acupuncture as an adjunct to IVF is something that all women struggling with IVF should consider.
For what it's worth, I should also mention that I believe taking Royal Jelly supplements and Coenzyme Q10 helped. For those who have followed my blog, they will know I took both to improve my egg quality. I had DH taking CoEQ10 as well, to improve his sperm motility - resulting in a gigantic improvement in his sperm morphology, according to the lab results of his last sperm analysis prior to our last cycle!! He was pleased as punch!!

Hope and a Positive Attitude - where would we be without them? Even at the darkest times, I don't think that I ever lost hope that one day, this would work out for us. I prayed every night that God would allow me to be a mother - and even though I didn't know exactly what form that would take, I never lost hope that He would answer my prayers.
And speaking of prayers...

Belief in God and the Power of Prayer - our little Dim Sum is proof that God listens and God loves. I was fortunate enough to have an incredibly strong prayer network going for us - from one of the nurses at the Clinic to our parents, to our friends. Even one of the moms at school, who is struggling with a health concern of her own right now, told me last week that she was praying for me all summer! We are lucky to have so many people love us - and to have God's love with us every day.

Luck - okay, I was saying to DH the other day that when it comes down to it, luck played a huge role in our pregnancy. Sometimes, people can do the very best that they can and have the very best of intentions, and yet things don't work out for them. DH and I know how lucky we are - and we aren't taking a single moment for granted.

Phew. I think that's it. Time to step off the soapbox. But I do hope that it helps someone who may stumble upon my humble little blog, seeking answers. Know that I wish every woman out there, struggling the way that I did, the very, very best.

XO,
Springroll

Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?

2009-09-08T20:17:00.003-07:00

Sigh.

I was saddened this morning to hear the news of Mollygirl, a special lady who discovered at her 13 week ultrasound that her baby had stopped developing shortly after her 8 week ultrasound. She has suffered what is called a "missed miscarriage" and now must head to the Early Loss clinic to have a D&C.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

I can't imagine what she is going through right now. She and her husband had been trying to conceive for two years, and this baby was conceived through her second IVF. How does one go from floating on cloud nine to crashing down to earth? How does one handle the dashing of all her hopes and dreams in an instant? It just doesn't seem fair.

Reading about situations like this, of course, puts a chill through my system and reminds me just how unpredictable things can be in this world of infertility. It reminds me that I can't take one minute for granted...and that is why I continue to be so thankful to God for each and every day that we have with our little Dim Sum. I just hope that he/she is growing safe and healthy inside of me...and that my dreams won't be shattered, too.

Back to School!

2009-08-27T15:48:00.002-07:00

Well, it was the first day of school today. So much whining, grumbling and crying - and that was from me!! All kidding aside, I do love the first day! All of the kids are excited to see their friends and meet their new teachers. There are new books to read and fresh crayons to colour with. Such a great time.

I have been literally run off my feet in this last week trying to prepare for the first day. My staff was in on Tuesday, and it seems I have been in meeting after meeting after meeting. But when the dust settled, and the dismissal bell had rung, it turned out to be a fantastic day! (Let's hope it turns out to be a great year!)

Unfortunately, despite my very best efforts to wear loose tops to disguise my burgeoning belly, I had more than one nosy parent and just a couple of nosy teachers asking me if I was hiding a bump. Quite frankly, I find this question unbelievably rude. Although I know that it is well-intentioned, the "asker" has absolutely no idea what is happening in the life of the "askee". What if the "askee" had been suffering through years of infertility (as in my situation) and they had just simply gained weight? What then? How would they feel if, in their quest for a juicy tidbit to gossip about, they caused great pain to someone else? The ease with which some people don't think twice about asking intrusive questions really makes me shake my head.

In any case - an update on my little "bump"...

We have nicknamed our baby Dim Sum. We went for an 8 week ultrasound yesterday, and there our little one was, tiny heart beating away at 168 bpm. We are so in love.

The Most Beautiful Picture in the World...

2009-08-13T12:56:00.002-07:00

Boy, were we excited yesterday!

DH and I got up and got ourselves ready quickly for our 9:30 a.m. ultrasound. We arrived at EFW Radiology at about 9:20 or so, and spent some time waiting (rather impatiently) before we were called in. I wasn't certain whether the first ultrasound was trans-vaginal or abdominal, so I had gone with a full bladder, which made the wait slightly more torturous. But when we got called in, I got myself changed quickly into the paper gown (stunning and stylish, those things...) and settled onto the table while the ultrasound tech went to fetch my husband.

My darling husband entered the room, the tech explained the procedures, and the screen got turned on.

Then - we saw the most beautiful picture in the world....

One gestational sac, with a little fetus inside, and a tiny flashing light which we learned was the heart beating. We have one little baby growing in my tummy, measuring exactly on schedule, with a heartbeat of 113 bpm. The tech said that anything above 100 was good, so we were happy. She took different measurements, checked my ovaries and fallopian tubes to ensure that none of the other embryos had accidentally implanted there, and then told us that everything looked great. We let out a sigh of relief and then left.

I would be lying if I said that I wasn't a little sad that the other two musketeers hadn't made it...although we certainly didn't expect to be carrying triplets, it would have been great to see one of the other embies surviving the transfer too. But this certainly does not mean that we aren't thrilled with our little egg roll, and that we aren't grateful that we have been blessed like this.

Each morning that I wake up, I thank God for another day with our baby. I will continue to hope and pray that this little one hangs in there...and that we get to see him/her grow and develop as these next nine months pass.

The Worrying Doesn't End...

2009-08-10T19:52:00.003-07:00

I've always known that the worrying wouldn't end.

We have spent almost three years worrying about the fact that we couldn't get pregnant. And now that we are, I spend countless hours worrying that the pregnancy isn't a strong one. In fact, since our first home pregnancy test and beta, I have taken 5 more home pregnancy tests just so that I can see that strong "+" sign. Sigh. Could I possibly be anymore neurotic?!

As my fertility clinic only does one beta test (which strikes me as odd, considering pregnancies resulting from IVFs really should be monitored more closely at the onset...), I was going crazy trying to figure out whether or not my hcg was doubling (not knowing this was adding to my worries exponentially!!) So on Friday, I rang up my family physician's office and the nurse very kindly faxed a beta recquisition over to the local lab. I managed to see the doctor this morning - and was told that my beta was at 3992 (taken 21dp3dt). Phew. That definitely made me feel a lot better!

As for symptoms - thankfully, I've not experienced much nausea yet. I have definitely had moments when strong odours make me whoozy, and there have been times when the thought of certain foods turns me off, but I have been just fine for the most part (knock on wood!) The bloating is still there, as are the sore boobies. I'll take it all if it means that my little Musketeers are growing healthy and strong inside me!

Next on the agenda is our first ultrasound - scheduled for the day after tomorrow. DH and I can't wait to find out how many Musketeers are snuggling in there!! Whatever the number - the most important thing will be to actually see a sac, with a tiny fetus inside. And if we're lucky - maybe we'll see the flutter of a heartbeat!!!

We can't wait...

463

2009-08-02T09:06:00.002-07:00

What a beautiful number.

This is what my beta levels were at when I went for the official test yesterday (15dp3dt). I worried much of the night that I would get a low beta result...which in my mind could reflect a weak pregnancy. But nope - my beta was 463, and the nurse said that it was a good, strong number.

How many times could I possibly express my gratitude - to God, to my family, and to all of my cyberfriends? This has been such a long ride, and now I am finally beginning to feel as though I get to be happy!

Our first ultrasound is booked for August 12, 2009 - that's when we'll find out how many babies there are in there! Right now, I'm just grateful to be pregnant - one, two or three is irrelevant to me.

XOXO

Our Prayers Have Been Answered!

2009-07-31T18:40:00.003-07:00

Wow.

DH woke up before me this morning, and gently kissed me awake. I lay in bed, crying and telling him that I didn't want to go and test because I was scared of the outcome, but my amazing DH held me and told me how much he loved me and how whatever the outcome, we would deal with it together. So off I went, stick in hand.

After peeing on the stick, I brought it up to cap and noticed that the "+" sign had immediately appeared. I exclaimed, "HONEY!! WE'RE PREGNANT!!" The hilarious part of it was - I wasn't even finished peeing yet!!

I never, ever thought that I would get the chance to see a positive pregnancy test. I feel so blessed - and am still having a hard time believing that this day has come.

Thank you to all of my "cyber-friends" for their love and support - we will be walking on eggshells for the next couple of weeks until our first u/s at the clinic, but right now I am so thrilled to announce -

Faith

2009-07-26T10:06:00.006-07:00

"And we are confident that He hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases Him. And since we know He hears us when we make our requests, we also know that He will give us what we ask for" 1 John 5:14-15

I found this scripture on a thread where women were posting their IVF successes (see thread here ). Yes - I have been googling like mad (someone, quick, smash my computer!!!) and trying to read up on the successes of other women who were around my age, had a similar Rx, got a similar amount of eggs fertilized, and who transferred embryos that were about the same as my three Musketeers. Maniacal? Yes. Ridiculous? Absolutely. They definitely need a different name for this stage fo the IVF process - something more dramatic than "The Two Week Wait".

Then I found this scripture, written at the bottom of one girl's post - and you know what? It calmed me.

I have done so much praying this week - and I know that God has been listening. I can only hope that it is His will that we are blessed with children.

9dp3dt. Can this week possibly get any longer?

4dp3dt

2009-07-21T20:43:00.003-07:00

Okay, despite my best efforts to lay low, I can't help but pop on here to write about how these past few days have been for me...

DH has been in Montreal on business, so my wonderful, amazing, fantastical parents came to stay with me so that they could help take care of me! They have been so sweet - my Dad has cooked for me and my Mom has helped me in different ways, whether it's been doing my laundry or helping to empty to the dishwasher. They've also been chauffering me around, because my Mom firmly believes that the stress of driving in Calgary (...yes, for all of you Calgarians out there, you know how terrible our traffic and infrastructure is!!) is not good for the embies. So I've been pampered and spoiled beyond belief. The best thing so far? The fried egg sandwiches that my dad has made me for breakfast. Healthy? Nope. But good? Absolutely!!

I've been feeling great, aside from some slight constipation issues. I attended the wedding on Saturday of one of DH's best friends (DH was in the bridal party), but only the reception in the evening (so that I could rest during the day). I even snuck in one slow dance with my incredibly handsome husband (don't tell my Mom!!) and left early enough to still feel well rested. The rest of the days have passed by without much to comment on - couple of naps here and there, some trips to the grocery store (with my Dad to hold the basket) and lots of time spent on the computer just surfing and reading about what I should be doing post-transfer.

One thing that has been different is the cramping - I have had cramps on and off since the transfer. The cerebral side of me knows that it's simple the side effects of the progesterone and estrogen that I am pumping myself full of right now. The emotional side of me hopes that it's because our little Musketeers are snuggling in and getting ready to put a down payment on this womb-for-rent.

Ah, the Musketeers. I talk to them every day, encouraging them to stick around. If I am not mistaken, it's implantation time right about now. I am wishing with all of my might that there is magic happening right this very minute - and that God has blessed us with one or two little ones.

Welcome Home

2009-07-17T20:05:00.005-07:00

Well, the three musketeers have a new home now.

We had our transfer today at noon, and were thrilled to be shown a picture of three (what I consider perfect!) embryos (though I'm sure the RE and embryologist may disagree slightly...) We have welcomed home a robust 9-cell embryo, a beautiful 8-cell embryo, and a dainty little 4-cell embryo.

They did comment that our little guy at 4 cells is still slightly behind, but that it may catch up. They were described as good embryos, and our RE told us that if we were looking for perfect embryos we would be disappointed because they appear far and few between. And then the embryologist reminded us that sometimes perfect embryos don't become babies later on. So the mood was definitely one of optimism - especially encouraging since our RE tends to be such a pessimist!! DH and I are over the moon...

My bladder was full today, but not painfully full as it was the last time I did a transfer. Our RE did an amazing job of talking us through each step and pointing to the ultrasound screen to show us where my uterus was located and where the catheter was, and he pointed out the exact moment that our embies entered their new home - it showed up as a little bright glow on the screen. Magic.

My amazing acupuncturist showed up to give me a session before the transfer, then stayed to give me a session post-transfer. She is such an incredible person and we are so grateful that she made herself available to us like that! Her enthusiasm and positive energy really added to the overall optimistic mood and DH and I left on such a high.

So now it's a waiting game. DH has already kissed his "babies" a dozen times and I have had a great day of rest. I continue to thank God for this - and will continue to pray that these little babies snuggle in for the long haul.

Dearest friends - thank you for your support. Given that we haven't told many of our "real time" friends, your words of encouragement mean so much.

XOXO

Dear Embies...

2009-07-16T13:23:00.004-07:00

To My Three Little Musketeers -

I received a phone call this morning from your temporary guardians and they have told me of your adventures. It seems that you have been busy bees overnight - one of you is at 6 cells, one of you is at 4 cells, and one of you is a tiny little 2 celled sprite.

I love you already.

Please keep working hard to grow. I know that it's a lot of work, but you will be in mummy's tummy very soon. I promise that when you are, I will take very good care of you and nurture you so that you grow healthy and strong.

Know that your mummy and daddy have been thinking about you every waking minute, and we can't wait to see you tomorrow afternoon.

All for one, one for all -

Lots of love,
Mummy

The Update - and it' a Good One!!

2009-07-15T08:39:00.002-07:00

Retrieval went just fine yesterday - the most painful part was the application of the needle for my IV drip. The RE who conducted the retrieval is partial to inserting the needle into the side of the wrist - and seeing as I have small wrists (zero flesh on them!!) it hurt like a bitch!! I actually dropped the F-bomb when she was done - then immediately apologized. Terribly embarassing. Oh well - I hope she understood!

Anyway, she had given me some Gravol along with the painkillers, so I was terribly drowsy during the procedure (this didn't happen during my last retrieval - I was so much more alert. Which may or may not have been a good thing, since the last retrieval yielded such bad results!) Before I knew it, they were done (all I can remember is feeling the RE gently poking around my right ovary, doing what I can only assume was a double-check...) and I was being wheeled into the recovery area. I was completely out of it.

The good news: Six eggs recovered, five mature enough for ICSI. I made a specific point about asking the embryologists who came out to see me what condition those five eggs were in, and they said that the eggs were good - one of them even piped up that he was a "hard marker". I immediately thanked God for His blessing and went home much happier than with our last retrieval.

DH and I have been on pins and needles, waiting for the call from the lab on fertilization. Again, the news was good -

Of the five ICSI'd, three have fertilized!!! One of the five fertilized abnormally, and another did not survive the night. The three remaining do not show any immediate signs of being poor in quality, but it is still early (the embryologist reminded me!) so tomorrow will be quite telling. I was so happy that I almost started to cry - we have three embabies, and I continue to pray that they make it to Friday, when we have our transfer.

The embryologist has recommended that all three go back in - to which I wholeheartedly agreed. Friday cannot come soon enough - please keep those prayers coming.

Thank you to all of you wonderful girls who have posted your support...more updates soon!!

Just Pull the Trigger...

2009-07-13T14:08:00.022-07:00

Well, I took my trigger shot last night at 10:00 p.m.

Yesterday morning, I went for one last ultrasound to measure the follicles once again. I'm not sure why I asked for that ultrasound; even if we had discovered that the larger follicles had grown far too big overnight, there really wouldn't have been anything that we could have done about it. I guess the Control Freak in me just wanted to know what I was dealing with.

Turns out that there was just slight growth with my last dose of stims -

Right ovary - 1.8 mm and 1.9 mm (and my little mystery sausage in the middle. The RE said no matter what she did, she just could not get that little squished follicle to reveal itself long enough for measurement...)

Left ovary - 1.5 mm and 1.7 mm (which is okay, I guess. The RE doesn't know if the 1.5 will contain a viable egg, but the 1.7 might...)

Lining was nice and thick - and the verdict was that I was ready to pull the trigger.

So shortly before 10 p.m., I got myself all ready - filled my syringes carefully and got myself all primed up to go. Unfortunately, however, I noticed a stubborn bubble in one of the syringes, and flick as I might I couldn't get it to go away. I enlisted my DH's help - and what a mistake that was!! His idea of getting rid of the bubble was to push it out - along with some of the meds! When I noticed this, I freaked out on him!!! Needless to say, despite my best attempts to have a smooth as silk trigger, it was a little stressful for both of us.

So our little egg collection begins tomorrow morning at 9:00...wish us luck!!

P.S. Tania and Raeanne - thanks for the luv!! XOXO

"Stim"-ulating Conversation...

2009-07-11T10:57:00.005-07:00

Well, here's another update, recorded for posterity!!

I went for another ultrasound this morning to see how my wee follies were faring...

Right ovary - 1.75 mm and 1.8 mm (no, I haven't lost the third one...it's sausage-shaped, squished between the other two...so since we had a measure of it yesterday already, the RE figured she wouldn't measure it today. She says they'll drain the other two, and the one in the middle will likely spring back into shape and they will proceed with draining it...)

Left ovary - 1.4 mm and 1.7 mm (yes - can you believe the growth in that little one? Good news indeed!)

So the big decision of the day was whether or not to trigger me tonight. Given the issues presented with my last cycle, I was really worried that my bigger follicles (and subsequent eggs)would be rendered useless at retrieval time and didn't want to sacrifice those for the sake of nudging along my littlest follicle. The RE met with the embryologist before making the call, and together they have decided that I will stim for one more day and trigger tomorrow night. They are worried that my 1.7's won't be mature enough and they will not be able to fertilize. They think that this is the best decision to make in order to maximize the number of eggs they can work with.

Obviously, I trust the RE's expertise, but cannot help but worry about my two bigger follies. I am hoping and praying that they hang in there and that all will be well on Tuesday when we suck those little guys out.

In other news...

A good girlfriend and I went for a massage yesterday afternoon - and let me tell you, it was heavenly. I so enjoyed it, and so needed it!! I was completely tight and tense in my upper back, shoulders and neck and was scolded by the therapist for not getting massages more regularly. Perhaps it's what my little follie needed in order to shoot up! This girlfriend is getting ready to give birth to twins this weekend - yes, this weekend!! She is pregnant with girl/boy IVF twins and is anxiously awaiting their arrival. Perhaps yesterday's massage also got things moving with her!

Please say a prayer for me and my little follies tonight...

XOXO

Follicle Follow-Up

2009-07-10T10:39:00.003-07:00

Well, just got home from my date with the old vagi-cam and it looks like we lost one in the left ovary. Not surprising since it hadn't grown at all between the first and second ultrasound appointments! I'm not too concerned, as we got relatively positive news about the others -

Right ovary - 1.5, 1.75 and 1.2 mm, respectively
Left ovary - 1.35 and 1.1 mm, respectively

The RE believes that we will have our retrieval either on Monday or Tuesday, with the transfer on either Thursday or Friday. I just want them to make the best decision possible that will allow for maximum growth of those little eggies...

To my beautiful friends who have left me messages on this blog - thank you, thank you, thank you. Your support means so much to me. Please keep your prayers coming - we are still hoping for that little miracle!

XOXO

Growing Pains

2009-07-07T20:29:00.008-07:00

Well, I thought I should post an update - if for nothing more than to have a record of this cycle and how I have progressed through it.

Since my last entry, I've had two ultrasounds to check the growth of my little follicular friends... and unfortunately, the news hasn't been that fantastic.

My first ultrasound was this past Saturday, July 4th - Day 5, after four nights of stims. Six follicles - 0.5, 0.5, 0.4 (right), 0.5, 0.3, 0.3 (left). I was told by the attending RE that the follicles were a bit on the small side, but to remain optimistic. He was lovely - empathic, but also realistic with me. And to be honest, I really wasn't overly upset. I'm not sure why - perhaps it had to do with the fact that I was experiencing an eery deja vu - I distinctly recall another occasion when I sat in that very u/s room and was told I was only working with six follicles. Back then I was devastated - this time, I was resigned. Sigh.

Following that appointment, I was determined to do what I could to help those six little follicles grow - so I had a couple of acupuncture sessions, did some femoral massage at home (what a trippy sensation that was!!) and did my best to stay on schedule with my meds.

Fast forward to this morning...good growth for most - but not all - of my follicles. Still six - 1.1, 1.1, 0.85 (right), 1.1, 0.6, 0.3 (left). The good news is - I am seeing more even growth amongst all of the follicles (whereas last cycle, there was a bigger spread). The bad news is - we're probably only working with four viable eggs, unless the little guy at 0.6 goes through a growth spurt and he shows up to play on retrieval day. That poor little guy at 0.3 will likely not catch up, according to the nurses. Sigh. The runt of the litter.

My lining is great - 0.86. Not surprising, considering all of the estrogen that I am on right now. This is also another positive. I am looking for all of the positives that I can get.

So I will continue with my acupuncture and femoral massage in hopes of helping those little guys out. Praying for the best. Keeping fingers crossed. Looking for a miracle.

Third Time's A Charm...

2009-07-02T19:45:00.004-07:00

Has it really been over a month?

Yes, I have been a neglectful blogger. Things at work have been stressful, crazy, anxiety-inducing, and every other negative adjective imaginable...I'm just glad that the school year is over! Seriously, it really wasn't a great year, so given the fact that we had originally been offered the chance to do another IVF cycle in early June, I am so glad that we made the decision to defer...doing it while the craziness was happening would have been such a waste of finances and emotion.

So here we are. Third cycle. Three days into stimming. And I'm feeling optimistic.

Although I must admit, I had myself a little meltdown on Tuesday evening - my first day with all of my little pills and injections. Because they have me on such a complex protocol this time around, there is a distinct increase not only in the dosages I am on, but also in the types of drugs I have to manage. I am on estrogen patches, vaginal estrogen tablets, antibiotics, gonal f, cetrotide, and low dose aspirin. Throw in a little royal jelly and coenzyme q-10 for egg quality, pre-natal vitamins for baby's health, and I am a walking pharmacy. I was so overwhelmed by it all - keeping track of it, making sure I take it all on time, etc. - that I crawled into bed and cried on Tuesday night. But that's the only cry I am allowing myself for now - right this minute, I am optimistic.

My goal is to create healthy eggs. I don't even necessarily need a ton of eggs (though last night while I was lying in bed trying to coax myself to sleep, I was thinking that 8 would be a nice round number - it even looks like two eggs, one on top of the other!!) I just want to make some healthy eggs that will fertilize beautifully and make nice little embryos that have the strength to burrow in for the long haul...or for at least nine months. I am so much better prepared for this cycle - months and months of acupuncture, Chinese herbs, royal jelly, and coenzyme q10 have got to count for something!

I go for my Day 5 ultrasound and bloodwork on Saturday morning - our first peek into what's going on in those ovaries of mine.

Did I mention that I'm feeling optimistic?

Big Fat Negative Doctor!

2009-05-21T16:55:00.006-07:00

I have a very pessimistic RE.

It's rather unfortunate, though I believe that it is inherent in his personality and may not necessarily be indicative of our potential for success with assisted reproductive technology.

Case in point -

I had an appointment today with him to further discuss my upcoming cycle (did I mention that we received the coveted "Call" off of the clinic's waiting list last week and we are poised to begin another IVF in early June?) Things weren't sitting well with me about what we were about to do - based upon the nurse's description of how my cycle was to evolve, it didn't sound like I was doing an Antagonist with Estrogen Priming cycle, the way I had originally thought. A few clicks of the old mouse and some posting to Dr. Hannam in Toronto helped me to learn that what was planned for me was far from the Antagonist/Estrogen Priming plan. Hence, the visit to my own RE to find out what the f*ck was going on...

It turns out that he has something even more special planned for us - we are being put on the Agonist/Antagonist Conversion Protocol with Estrogen Priming. This got me excited, as I had read about this at length and knew that it has proven to be quite effective with women who were poor responders. Pioneered by Dr. Geoffery Sher at the Sher Institute for Reproductive Medicine, the focus behind this protocol is in improving the environment that the egg grows in through promoting estrogen dominance in the ovary (read more here). Sounds great, right? So where does the pessimism come in?

Despite the fact that my RE is placing me on this protocol, he made it very clear that he doesn't necessarily believe that it will improve our chances - but that he was doing it because I had asked for it. Wait a minute, now - who's the doctor here?? If I had known that I could call my own shots like this, things would have been waaaay different waaaay earlier on!

In any case, my perception is that he is being negative because this protocol is relatively new to him (I don't believe he's done this with anyone else before). He said that there are some things about the protocol that seem unconventional to him. Clearly he is not a risk taker. Despite his penchant for repeatedly saying "This is what you've asked for..." I wanted to have a clear understanding that I wasn't totally off the beaten track (his unwillingness to assume accountability for making the decision to try this protocol was fine with me, as long as I was assured that it was the right direction to go in...) so I flat out asked him to tell me if this protocol was the wrong thing to try. He indicated that it wasn't - that it wouldn't hurt to go in this direction, that it did incorporate the antagonist protocol (which he originally recommended) and that it would allow us to say that we had tried everything. That was all that I needed.

I have written to Dr. Sher at SIRM to ask for his input into my situation - here's hoping that he writes back to me. Poor guy must have thousands of women writing him each day! I just wanted to hear some optimistic news about the journey that I am about to embark on. Everyone could use a little good news now and then, right?

"Priming" Up for Another Cycle...

2009-05-01T21:11:00.003-07:00

I can't believe that it's been an entire month since I last posted! The days seem to fly by, which has been fine and dandy for me since each day brings me closer to my next IVF cycle. The funny thing is, the clinic called me this month to offer me a cycle - but I declined, knowing that the retrieval and transfer were far too close to the end of the school year for my liking. Considering everything that I have gone through, the last thing that I wanted was for the success of this next cycle to be affected by the stresses of closing out a school year. DH and I decided we would defer until the following month, which brings us to a retrieval/transfer during the second week of July. Summer holidays will allow me to really put my feet up and relax during that dreaded two week wait!

Despite the fact that we turned down the cycle this month, the nurse very patiently walked me through the entire protocol that I'll be on - Estrogen Priming with Antagonist Protocol. Geez - talk about complicated. Twenty-one days of birth control pills, coupled with Suprefact. Then, good old Auntie Flo should arrive and I start stims with estrogen patches on Day 2 or 3. After approximately 12 days of stims, they go egg hunting, make babies in the lab, put them back inside and boom - I'm pregnant! Ha! If only it were that easy!

If I understand things correctly (and I'm still not sure that I do, even after reading a gazillion different things on EPP...) the estrogen will ensure that my FSH levels are not too high, which in turn will help the quality of the eggs. I must admit, I have high hopes for this protocol - I requested that my RE put me on it, as it is known to be very effective for poor responders. He's never done it before (and I'm a little nervous) but I'm channeling all of my positive thoughts toward this being a great success!

Just this week, I figured out that the bill for my last IVF cycle totaled approximately $17,000.00! Thankfully, my insurance plan covered 80% of the drug costs and DH's plan covered the rest - so really, we were only out of pocket about $7500.00. But this, added on to the $1550.00 we have spent on IUIs makes this one expensive adventure!! I would have preferred a trip around the world...

Sending a special "hello" and cyberhug to all of my cyberfriends - hope you are well and feeling peace in your hearts.

Two Days and Counting...

2009-04-01T16:50:00.003-07:00

...until we jet off to the sunny Carribean. DH and I are leaving on Friday for a much needed holiday to the Dominican Republic and I am a little embarassed to say that we have chosen an adults only resort.

Why does this embarass me, you may ask? Because I'm an elementary school principal - aren't I supposed to LOVE being around children? When I was starting out my career in teaching, there were times when I would be highly amused by certain adults that I was at social gatherings with. Whenever there were children afoot, they would automatically assume that I would entertain their children whilst they enjoyed their glasses of wine and more "adult" conversation - after all, I was a teacher, wasn't I? They would invariably introduce me to their children by saying "This is Springroll, she's a Grade Three teacher!" They would smile, nudge their children towards me, then leave me in the dust while the kids dragged me toward their drawings or toys. It drove me crazy.

More recently, since the onset of my "condition", I find myself melancholy, at times, just being around children (especially our youngest students, who are typically 3.5 to 4 years of age). For example, at last year's Mother's Day Tea, our Kindergarten children sang "You are My Sunshine" to a room full of beaming mothers - and a bawling principal. Most moms thought that I was touched by the moment - little did they know that I was crying because I was faced with the possibility that I would never hear a child of my own singing this very same song to me. Rather pathetic. And last year's spring break holiday, while amazing, also had its tear-filled moments. Like the day that I watched a man carry his little baby boy around the pool on his shoulders. The little boy shrieked in delight each time he got splashed. The man beamed. And I cried - wondering if my own husband would ever get the chance to do that. Good lord.

Given the fact that I am around children all of the time, and given my somewhat fragile mental state (ha-ha!), I jumped at the chance to go to a beautiful, five-star, child-free resort. I can't wait to lie on my lounger, listening to nothing but the sound of the ocean lapping against the shore. Yay me.

In other news - my sonohysterogram went smoothly and was so much less painful than an HSG!! Though it's not my first choice of ways to spend my spring break, I'd do it again if I had to. And the best part is - I got a clean bill of health! No polyps, no issues. And even better than that - they gave me another antral follicle count and it's at 10!!! That's TWO more than last month's!! Wooohoooo!! Now if we can only see the same number of follies when we cycle, we'll be laughing all the way to the clinic...

P.S. Congrats to my special cyber-friend, CJDR, who gave birth to a beautiful little boy a couple of weeks ago. She is proof that miracles can happen - you just have to believe...

I am not pregnant.

2009-03-19T16:12:00.004-07:00

Again.

I honestly don't know why I expected to be. I guess it was the addition of the royal jelly and the coenzyme q-10 and all of that acupuncture. I was expecting all of those things to be working their magic on my ovaries - thinking that maybe, just maybe, I would shoot out one perfect egg this month that would joyously unite with a sperm to create our special child.

Nope.

So - textbook example of self-flagellation...

I was sick last week and stayed home from work one morning. What did I do? Watch episode after episode of A Baby Story on TLC. There I was - head completely clogged, entirely unable breathe properly, and I was bawling because of all of the births that I was witnessing. Thinking to myself, my God - I'll never have that moment in my life. It will never happen for me. I will never have the chance to feel my baby kicking or see my baby's ultrasound or yell at my husband for telling me to push harder!! I was a blubbering mess.

Why does it have to be this way? I have asked this question time and time again, but I will ask it one more time - Why does it have to be so hard?

The Results Are In...

2009-03-09T18:16:00.003-07:00

The days seem to pass like a whirling dervish - and I am grateful, since it means that we are that much closer to our next IVF cycle. I was reading different posts on different forums the other day (what's new?) and I read the post of a women who has done 15 IVF cycles!! Good God - I was shocked. Then I prayed really, really hard that this won't happen for us...

In any case, I have the results of some of my testing back - some good, some so-so. My Day 3 FSH level is 6 - which, according to the Advanced Fertility website, is a "reassuring level - expect a good response to stimulation..." Yeah, okay. Next, my Day 3 Estradiol count is 41, which again according to this website would suggest normal ovarian functioning (I am well within the normal range). But my antral follicle count (taken on Day 9 of my cycle) was at 8. Four on each side. The nurse tried to cheer me up by saying, "It's not that bad! It's not that many away from what we would consider good/normal!" Um, okay. She also reminded me that antral follicle counts vary from cycle to cycle and that things could improve. Bless her heart.

So now I await the start of my next cycle so that I can go for my sonohysterogram. I talked my RE into letting me have this test done instead of the HSG, since the HSG is more painful and since we don't really need to worry about blocked tubes. But here's hoping that there is no next cycle - DH and I tried really hard this month (as prescribed by our acupunturist), so we'll see if we get lucky.

Since the addition of the royal jelly and coenzyme q10 to my diet, I have had headaches, early ovulation, and now, a head cold. I hope that it's all just coincidental - I really want to make sure that I continue to take everything that I need to in order to have healthy eggs for the spring.

Ahhhh, spring - time to go for that egg hunt! I can't wait.

Something New to "Bee-lieve" In

2009-02-27T20:12:00.006-08:00

Yes, I am currently consumed with researching ways to improve my egg quality. I have recently spent hours combing the internet, seeking the wisdom of Dr. Google to take me to websites that will somehow share the ultimate secret to how I can get pregnant. I have read medical studies and gone through fertility clinic sites, visited forums and browsed through what feels like a million and one posts. And in all of this research, I think have actually found something that I am really beginning to get excited about:

Lemon jellybeans? Nope. Werther's Originals? Wrong again. Those, folks, are Royal Jelly capsules. What the heck, you may be asking, is Royal Jelly? Royal Jelly is an extremely nutrient-rich product that is said to improve fertility. It is a milky substance, generated by bees - the pollen that is fed by the worker bees only to the queen bee, whose job it is to produce lots and lots of infant bees. It's rich in amino acids, vitamins and enzymes, and can be considered nature's fertility drug. Royal Jelly helps the queen bee lay millions of eggs and live a much longer life than the poor old worker bee. Dr. Randine Lewis, a reknowned Traditional Chinese Medicine practicioner who specialized in infertility, recommends supplementing one's diet with Royal Jelly to improve fertility (read article here), and several other write-ups on the Net could be found, expounding its virtues. I even found my way onto a forum where several women posted stories of their success with Royal Jelly - several of them having tried to conceive for 2+ years, and many of them having conceived after taking Royal Jelly (one of them naturally!)

So I popped into my neighbourhood health food store to pick some up. Being rather ignorant to what exactly I was looking for, I asked the elderly store owner for help. He directed me to a bottle that contained 45 gelcaps, and I asked him how I go about taking them. He looked at me like I was on crack!

"Why, with water of course!" he replied with a smile, "Or if you want, you can even take it with food!"

I felt rather stupid at that point, and explained to him that I had read that Royal Jelly was like a honey that people eat by the spoonful (...damn internet...). He told me that that was how Royal Jelly was sold in the UK, but in Canada, he has only seen it sold as capsules. Good enough for me, as I had also read how foul-tasting the creamed version was.

I took my little bottle home, opened her up - and was shocked to see how HUGE the capsules are! I swear they are about 2 cm in length. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get it down my gullet - but with enough water, that little baby washes down like nothing!

And so begins my relationship with yet another fertility treatment. On top of the acupuncture and Chinese herbs, I will be taking Royal Jelly for the next couple of months, from Day 1 until Ovulation. I also intend to add Coenzyme Q10 to my diet - and DH's diet as well - as I have read that this mineral is also tremendously useful in improving sperm and egg quality. Thankfully, we are taking these supplements in good time - apparently, you need to give it at least three months before benefits may be seen. I can't wait - I just know that my next IVF cycle will yield much better results. I have to "bee-lieve" that.

P.S. A special "hello!" to the ladies who wished me a happy blogoversary! Thanks for reading and for your support! :)

Happy Anniversary!

2009-02-23T16:16:00.005-08:00

Hey!

I missed my one-year anniversary. I began this blog one year ago yesterday - crazy how time flies. I just went through some of my entries and I have such mixed emotions...sadness at all of the things that have happened...pride at our ability to weather the storm...disbelief at our lack of progress...hope that there are better things to come.

And here I am, one year later, without much to report. I am currently on CD26, waiting for my little friend to arrive. I am well into the "acupuncture groove", with my weekly appointments and my evening elixirs (Chinese herbal teas). My acupuncturist is sincerely trying hard to help us conceive naturally - she figures that we need to "try really hard" (her words) in March, because we will have had a couple of months of treatment and we should be seeing the effects. It's also the last month that I will be drinking the teas, since she feels that I should have all of the herbs out of my system before we start our next IVF cycle (so if we cycle in May, I need to stop the herbs in March so that I have April to "recover").

I am trying to read anything and everything that there is to read about the antagonist protocol and estrogen priming (which my RE doesn't know much about but promises he will learn more about to see if he can apply it to my situation). I swear I can be licensed to practice as a fertility specialist, with all of the reading that I have done. Do you think there's a market for "infertility consultants" anywhere?

Sadly, my RE has requested another HSG. For those of you familiar - do you feel my pain? I can't believe that I have to have another one done. I made the executive decision, however, not to have it done in March, since we are going to "try really hard" to conceive naturally. I don't want anything to interfere.

I have an ultrasound for an antral follicle count on March 10th. I was a little suspicious of this - I had read that antral follicle counts should be done at the beginning of a cycle (cycle days 1-4), but the radiologist's office was booking appointments six weeks in advance! How the hell was I going to time my appointment to coincide with my period?!? I called the fertility clinic (left FOUR messages before hearing back...but that's another rant...) and they have told me that antral follicle counts can be conducted at any time (um, okay...) if the technician is a good one. Then I was told that in my case, it's not going to matter much anyway (gee, thanks).

And finally, because I haven't had enough testing conducted, I have to go for another series of blood tests for HIV, Hep B and Day 3 FSH. Wow. Looking forward to it.

Well, that's the update. A pretty lame one, I know - but whaddya do? It is what it is.

Lost and Found

2009-02-17T16:55:00.014-08:00

Not sure if you recall, but one of my earliest posts was about how the harsh reality of infertility can sneak up on you at the darnedest of times. This happened yesterday, whilst I was on the elliptical trainer at my gym. There I was - happily pumping away (and meeting my target heart-rate!), when one very pregnant woman entered my visual field. There she was, looking all perky as hell, giggling with a girlfriend who she happened to run into (and who happened to be two ellipticals down from me...)

"What are you doing here?!?" gasps Disbelieving Girlfriend.

"Trying to make it come out!" laughs Perky Preggo, as she hops up and down.

Following a few minutes of lighthearted banter, she starts walking the track that surrounds the cardio equipment. This meant that every five minutes or so, I saw here walk past me, all big tummy and protruding belly button. And each time she passed, it hurt. A deep, raw, searing pain.

This threw me into a bit of a melancholy state, and I started thinking last night about all of the things that I have lost due to our infertility.

I have lost my innocence and naivete - my belief that we'd just "get pregnant when we wanted to" is actually an embarassing joke to me now. When I was first married, I very proudly proclaimed to anyone that asked that we would be starting a family right away. Fast forward two and half years and those babies have yet to materialize...how naive could I have been?

I have lost the element of surprise. I'll never get the chance to surprise my husband with a positive HPT, wrapped up in a pretty box. I'll never get to see the look on my parents' faces as I surprise them with the news that they will be grandparents. Instead, my husband and my family wait with me at the end of each and every cycle - with baited breath - to see if maybe this time things have worked out...

I have lost my capacity to share in other's good news. Not all good news, of course. But good news about babies and pregnancies. Even though on a cerebral level, I know that I don't have all the info about what that person went through to get pregnant, on the self-pitying, self-indulgent level, I somehow always conclude that it was easy for them - so why does it have to be so hard for me?

I have lost my sense of "real time". See, my days pass by according to my cycles. I don't really think in terms of conventional time anymore - weeks? Months? Years? Pffft. Now I think in terms of "DPO" or "CD 12". And more recently, with being on the waiting list for IVF, I think in terms of the number of periods I call in to the "Period Hotline". Actually, time flies much quicker on the Infertility Calendar...

I have lost my ability to plan. My time isn't mine anymore. A vacation during Spring Break? But what if we are called to cycle? Have a glass of wine with my girlfriends this Friday? Nope - I think I may be ovulating. A trip through Asia this summer? What if I'm in the early stages of pregnancy? DH and I have put our lives on hold waiting for what has thus far been incredibly elusive...

Sigh. Yes - I know. Quite the one-woman pity party, isn't it? But all was not lost - though I was terribly sad (no tears, however!), I did attempt to cheer myself up by reminding myself of all the things that I have found through the infertility journey.

I have found an inner strength that I did not know I could possess. In all of my darkest moments, I have surprised myself by being able to bounce back and stay the course. I cannot lose sight of our goal - and can never lose hope that we will achieve it.

I have found out just how much I love my husband. Of course, I always knew that I did. But the support he has given me throughout these past two years erases every petty argument we have and irritating habit that he possesses. He is the reason that I have been able to make it through all of these disappointments. He is loving. He is optimistic. He is encouraging. He is incredible.

I have found the courage to undergo some of the most invasive medical testing and procedures I have ever endured in my life - more than what I had ever anticipated. With every needle and every ultrasound, although it has felt as though I lost some of my dignity in the process, I have found myself surprisingly adaptable and most definitely brave. Yay, me!

This infertility thing. It taketh and it giveth. But I guess in the end, it will make me a better person.

I'm Feeling Antagonistic...

2009-02-11T20:40:00.002-08:00

Today was day that I couldn't wait for...and also the day that I was (mildly) dreading...

We had our follow-up appointment with our RE today to talk about what went wrong and where we were headed next. DH and I had so many questions to ask - but mostly, we wanted an assurance that we could try IVF again and continue to try until we got pregnant.

Our RE is an interesting fellow. Not the warmest, but friendly enough. Knows his stuff. Answers our questions. I never really thought that he was pessimistic - until today. Unfortunately, we didn't receive the best news.

It was confirmed that I have serious egg quality issues - not premature ovarian failure, as I had originally self-diagnosed. That would have meant that I wasn't ovulating at all and my menstrual cycles would have stopped altogether. I am still producing eggs - but they are rotten. It would appear that I have used up all of my good eggs. All that's left are the crappy ones that no spermie wants - how sad for them.

Anyway, the RE started talking about success rates - turns out that a couple like us only has a less than 5% chance of conceiving naturally with this condition. And - get this - with our last cycle, we only had a slightly higher than 5% chance of conceiving with our little Nemo, given his quality (which today we learned, wasn't that great...contrary to what we were told on transfer day...) So things don't look good. But (to quote the doc) we should try everything we can so that we can say we tried everything...so this next cycle, we are going to be on the Antagonist Protocol.

What on earth, you may ask, is that?!

Based upon his explanation and what I have learned from Dr. Google, the Antagonist Protocol is short, eliminating the initial suppression stage. Instead of going on suppression drugs at the start of a cycle, I start stimming almost immediately. This precludes my ovaries from "going to sleep". Then, once my follies are big, I take a suppression drug called antagonists in order to prevent premature ovulation. This protocol involves close monitoring, since I fire up the ovaries right from the get-go and there is a risk of missing ovulation. Truth be told, I am concerned about using this protocol, since I have read that it results in few follicles. However, the plus side is that it improves egg quality. I can only hope.

Sigh. In the meantime, we continue to try au naturel. My trusty Clearblue Fertility Monitor showed a peak reading today - yippee! Time to make a baby.

Yeah, right.

The Miracles of Modern Science?

2009-02-05T13:03:00.006-08:00

Okay, wow.

Talk about an eye-catching headline - "60-year old Calgary woman gives birth to twins"!

This news, coupled with the recent story of a California woman (already a mother of six!) who had given birth to octuplets, makes me shake my head. Can these events be considered miracles of modern science, or examples of extremely poor judgment and unethical behaviour?

Infertile women all over the world are likely reeling from these stories - I myself have very mixed emotions. From what I understand, the 60 year old fellow Calgarian has been attempting to conceive for 43 years - I just can't imagine the heartache. But as hard as it is to give up the dream, at what point does the realization sink in that as a 60 year old, the capacity to provide for children is quickly diminishing? What will happen to those boys when their parents are too old to be active with them, or (God forbid) do not live a long enough life to see them through to high school graduation? What impact will this have on the boys' social development, as the reality of having elderly parents begins to weigh on them? At what point does one say "Enough is enough"?

As an individual who has been fiercely private about my battles with infertility and infertility treatments, I have to admit that one reason for this privacy has been the stigma that still surrounds it all. It is my perception that the general population lacks any real understanding of the intricacies of fertility drugs and treatment - I know that I was certainly ignorant to it all before I began my battles. And situations like this do not enhance awareness one bit - if anything, it creates false understandings and can perpetuate grossly negative judgments about people who need and undergo fertility treatments and the medical professionals that provide them. What a shame.

Sigh. It's too bad that these are the reasons that IVF is making headlines. Wouldn't it be infinitely better to read "Provincial IVF funding implemented across Canada" in your local newspaper? Now that's what would be newsworthy.

Okay - stepping gently off soapbox now...

On the personal front, I am currently on Day 12 of my second cycle "AFIVF" ("After Failed IVF"). My acupuncture sessions have been going rather well - I am with a new doctor, and this cycle, she has introduced Chinese herbs into the mix. I am going on a wing and a prayer that these sessions will improve my egg quality and ovarian functioning - she assures me that they will. She is also encouraging us to try and conceive naturally whilst waiting for our next IVF cycle...and DH is certainly having fun with that little sidebar!

By the by, hello to all of my friends. Sorry I haven't posted much - but there hasn't been much to say. Still praying that our little Miracle of Modern Science will show up soon.

Divine Support

2009-01-16T18:00:00.004-08:00

Well, it seems that I am doing okay. Some might even say, I'm doing well. In these past weeks, I have laughed at silly jokes and caressed a baby's cheek. I have made accomplishments at work, and made meals to fill our bellies. I have lunched with girlfriends and dined with my sister. Yes - I am doing okay.

I strongly believe that I have made it through what I consider to be the darkest hours of my life because of my faith in God. Funny - growing up, my family attended church on and off, but I would never have considered myself a very religious person. However, I have always believed that there is a divine Plan for me - a path that God has set me upon. And I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, even if it doesn't make sense. At many points in my life, God answered my prayers. And I have to believe that God was listening when I prayed for my little embryo - because I prayed for a healthy baby. Obviously, it just wasn't meant to be.

A colleague of mine sent me a chain e-mail today. Normally, I never perpetuate those things - I usually click "delete" with immediate disgust. But this time, I read it. I wept a little. And then I passed it on. Because the e-mail contained a prayer that is so meaningful to me right now, that I needed to send it back out there, in hopes that it would touch others the way that it touched me. St. Theresa's Prayer reads as follows -

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

Reading this prayer filled me with warmth and I realized - if I am to have the strength to continue my fight and the courage to hope again, then I need to find peace in my heart and in my mind. So instead of asking "Why me?", I am going to ask "Why not me?" This will shape who I am, and it will ultimately make me a better person and a better mother.

The instructions on the e-mail were to make a wish, read the prayer, then send it along to 12 other women. Simple instructions to follow, so I did it. Can anybody guess what my wish was?

A New Look for a New Year

2009-01-01T14:59:00.003-08:00

Happy New Year.

In the process of regrouping, I thought I would freshen things up and change the look of my little blog. I hope you all like it.

This past week has certainly had its ups and downs - mostly downs, I have to say. Even though on a cerebral basis I knew that our chances for success were only about 50%, having to deal with the reality of a failed cycle is a completely different thing. Compounding things was the fact that the clinic called to tell me that my lab test results were inconclusive (apparently, my urine was too dilute) , so I had to get a beta done. This was on Tuesday. I had a very, very brief fleeting bit of hope that perhaps my hpt was wrong, but then yesterday morning I took another hpt and it was still negative. I tell ya - there's nothing like having to hear over and over again, "You're not pregnant."

So now I wait the "official" word from the clinic once again, so that I can stop taking the prometrium and estrace. This was another source of grief for me - why on earth was I forced to continue taking these pregnancy-supporting hormones when I wasn't even pregnant? Irritating, to say the least. However, the clinic has been closed for the holiday season, so I have to wait until I receive instructions from them before I can stop.

So what lies ahead for me this year?

Well, we are going to go for IVF cycle #3 (...never thought I would get to this point...) and in the time that it takes to be called off the waiting list, I am going to go back to acupuncture and traditional Chinese medicine. This is in an attempt to improve my egg quality.

I'm going to take the time to concentrate on some of my old friendships and build some new ones. I have pushed so many of them away that I have realized I have no one to turn to when I need a good laugh, or a girlfriend to catch a chick flick with.

I would like to get back to working out regularly again. Get my body and mind healthy for our next cycle.

I am committed to try and enjoy my life more. I have put so many things on hold because of our infertility challenges, I feel as though I am losing sight of who I am. 2009 will be the Year of Springroll.

And, of course, I will continue to hope and pray and remain positive. I will be a Mother one day.

Negative.

2008-12-26T13:01:00.003-08:00

For all of you wonderful women out there who were sending along your positive thoughts and prayers, thank you.

But the fight was too hard for our little Nemo. We tested this morning with a negative result.

It's time to regroup - yet again.

Our Little Nemo

2008-12-12T09:16:00.003-08:00

Remember the opening scene of Finding Nemo - when Coral and Marlin are revelling in their new home and their soon-to-be-born children, then the evil shark comes by and attacks it all? There is one tiny little egg left at the bottom of the ocean - and Marlin scoops him up and says "I'll never let anything happen to you..."

Well, we have our own little Nemo.

Yes, I know, I know - how corny can you get, right? But that is exactly how we feel about this little embie that is now (hopefully!) nuzzling in inside of me.

We did our transfer yesterday afternoon, and we were so anxious that we could hardly stand it. The clinic had said the day before that if something were to happen between Day 2 and Day 3, they would call us to cancel the transfer. So when the call didn't come yesterday, I let out a deep breath and prepared myself for our trip to the clinic.

First order of business - getting all showered and cleaned up without scented products. Embies and scents, apparently, are not a good mix. So no cologne and minimal deodorant for DH and no deodorants, perfumes, body lotions, etc. for me.

Secondly - a full bladder. My appointment was for 1:30 p.m., so my instructions were to empty my bladder at 12:30, then drink two or more glasses of water. Let me tell you - this was waaaay more difficult than having a scentless body. Normally, I have a pretty strong bladder - but the mere thought planted in my head that I was drinking all of that water and couldn't pee it out was making me anxious - thereby, exacerbating the "I have to go!!!!" feeling...

We checked in to the clinic right on schedule, and while I was sitting in the waiting room with DH, I was in immense pain. I hobbled over (literally - no exaggeration...) to the receptionist and begged her to ask the nurse if I could pee just a tiny bit. She told me to go immediately, I was able to make my way over the bathroom for some sweet relief.

When I got back out, DH had already been taken into the procedure room to get changed, so I joined him. After getting changed into a hospital gown (and DH into scrubs), and after some paperwork, we were ready to go - except for one small problem.

I could still barely sit, my bladder was hurting so badly.

The nurse noticed and told me my bladder shouldn't be full to bursting! She gave me a specimen cup to fill - instructions were to fill it twice - and then stop. I can't tell you what a relief it was that I was able to do that!!!

Okay - now on to the good stuff!

We entered the transfer room and the RE said "We've got an embryo needin' a home right now!" and the embryologist said "Yeah, and it's a big one!" I couldn't believe my ears. Big? What did she mean?

Apparently, our embie had been working hard all night long, and as of transfer, was at 12 cells. She brought over a black and white photo for us to keep, and I couldn't believe my eyes. There was our little Nemo - a cluster of cells. Very little fragmentation, and nice, round cells. I almost burst into tears. With all of our worries that this little guy wouldn't make it past Day 2, this was what we were presented with. It really was a miracle.

We got to watch on the ultrasound screen as they placed our embie into my uterus. It was magical, and a moment that I will never forget. DH was so moved that he started to tear up. He held my hand tightly, and at that moment I felt such a peace going through my body that I knew everything was going to be alright.

We asked the RE and embryologist some questions about the fact that our little guy was at 12 cells - is this a disadvantage? Is there much fragmentation? What grade would you give this embryo? For the most part, the answers satisfied us. Although 8 cell embryos are the ideal, this one still has potential (according to the RE). The embryologists said that there was a little bit of fragmentation, but that some had already been removed while they were doing the assisted hatching. She gave the embryo a Grade B - not perfect, but not bad, either.

The transfer was followed up with some rest, and then it was time to take Nemo home. We were so thankful and so happy - I think we floated on cloud nine for the rest of the day.

And so the wait begins...with our little Nemo.

We continue to pray and thank God everyday for this miracle and opportunity. We know that we're not out of the woods, yet, but we remain hopeful and optimistic. I have looked at the picture a million times already - wouldn't it be wonderful if the next picture of Nemo was an ultrasound one?

I really need to thank all of the wonderful girls out there that have supported me and continue to support me through all of this - I can't even begin to tell you how tremendous it has been to turn to you for advice and encouragement when things seem to be negative at every turn.

Please continue your prayers...

Two for Two

2008-12-10T20:27:00.001-08:00

Day Two - and our little guy has divided into two cells!!!
God has blessed us and continues to answer our prayers...
Keep fighting, little one!

Rotten Eggs

2008-12-09T10:34:00.004-08:00

Well, I survived the egg retrieval yesterday morning - and was actually rather impressed with the care and attention that I received from my RE and the nurses at the clinic. Beyond all, I was nervous about two things - the dreaded IV and the number of eggs they would be able to extract. My RE very kindly placed the IV into the crook of my arm (so it really wasn't any worse than having a blood test), but the whole egg situation did not go as smoothly...

Once the drugs started, I was definitely feeling loopy - but could still feel some pain. However, after I (very loudly) yelped in pain, the nurse upped the dose of pain meds and I was feeling fine. The RE emptied the first follicle, handed the embryologist the tube, and about thirty seconds later, the embryologist yelled back "I don't see anything." Alright; on to follicle #2 then. Once that got drained and sent back to the embryologist, it wasn't before long when she called out, "Nothing." Imagine my panic during this whole thing - there I was, completely doped up, spread-eagled on the operating table, and all I am hearing is that they aren't getting anything out of my follies!!!

At this point, the RE requested that the embryologist test the follicular fluid for traces of HCG - if there was no trace, then this would have been indicative that the eggs did not release from the follicle walls and therefore there was no point in going any further. About five minutes later, we determined that there was HCG in the fluid, so the RE pressed on...

We finally got an egg out of follicle #3, to which the lovely nurse next to me applauded and whispered "Yaaaaay!" in my ear. At this point, I was really out of it - and panicked. But when all was said and done, I discovered that they were able to get six eggs in total from my follies.

Whilst in the recovery room, the embryologist came by to give us the news - out of the six eggs, three were borderline mature, and three were flat-out immature. She explained that she would have to clean off the "accessory cells" in order to determine if my borderlines were indeed mature, and that they would do their best to ICSI the maximum number that they could.

I spent the night in a fair amount of pain, and in a fair amount of tears. And I did a lot of praying.

Bright and early this morning, the embryologist from the clinic called to deliver even more bad news - out of the six eggs, three were mature, but only one fertilized. And he told me that we are dealing with a very "serious egg issue..."

So many questions are racing through my mind. How could this be? Why did we not know that I have rotten eggs? I had worked so hard to grow my little eggies - and had done everything that I was expected to. How can this be fixed? Can this be fixed? And the ultimate question - Why me?

All we can do now is pray for our one little embryo - pray that he's a little fighter and that he'll make it to transfer. All I am asking for is this one chance to be a mom.

Just this one chance.

Trigger Happy

2008-12-06T16:03:00.002-08:00

Well, folks - here I am, standing at the precipice of what will be one of the most important things that I will ever do in my life.

Sadly, since my last posting, I have not had any improvements in the number of follicles that we will be working with. I have six follicles, all ranging in size from 0.8 to 1.9 (as of yesterday morning). Two smaller ones have popped up, but are definitely not large enough to make the cut. I had one more night of stims, and am poised to "pull the trigger" (HCG shot) this evening at 10:00 p.m.

I am trying my very best to remain positive, hoping for at least 3 mature eggs that will fertilize. I have to admit, it hasn't helped for me to maniacally read various posts on internet forums from other women about the low numbers they have and their subsequent disappointments. I have been doing a lot of praying, and trying to do some positive meditations...I have been on the brink of tears a couple of times this week, but for the most part, I am managing to hang in there.

The RE that did my ultrasound yesterday said that it wouldn't be unreasonable to transfer three embies - all, of course, dependent upon the condition of the embies. Here's hoping that I actually have three to transfer!!

I'll post again post-retrieval, to let you know how I survived the procedure. Wish me luck, all!

Party Pooper

2008-12-01T21:11:00.003-08:00

Every kid's biggest nightmare is that no one will show up at their party. The invitations are sent, the balloons are all shiny, the chips and pop are out on the table, ready to be devoured. But what if only a handful of children show up - not even half of what's expected? It's the stuff that therapy sessions are made of...

Well, welcome to my life.

Yes, I had the ultrasound today - and not even half of what I expected showed up for the festivities.

Today's ultrasound showed that I have a whopping SIX follicles. Now, for those of you that have been following our plight, you will know that in my last cycle, I only had FIVE follicles. Hence, the conversion to an IUI, which led to the BFN, which led to the BCP, which led to the S-I-X. As the nurse describes it, my ovaries obviously don't want this as badly as I do. They are acting like they are 50 years old. They are lazy. They've retired to Florida. No wonder they didn't show up to party.

DH and I were hoping for - expecting, really - at least eight to ten follicles. Given the fact that I am maxed out on meds right now, you'd think my ovaries would be traumatized into producing more follicles! But nope - not my ovaries. They are giving me the royal f-you. "Pump us full of drugs, eh? Well, we'll show you!!"

The RE tells me that there's hope - it's still early in the cycle, he tells me. There's a chance that more will come, he offers. Then he patted my foot gently and told me to hang in there. What choice do I have?

DH and I decided over the weekend that we are going to go for it this cycle - even if we ended up with the same number of follicles as last time. It only takes one. So I am going to continue my stims for as long as the RE tell us to, then we are going to close our eyes and go on a wing and a prayer.

It only takes one. Just one.

Dear Follicles...

2008-11-27T07:46:00.003-08:00

Dear Follicles,

We haven't actually met, but as I understand it, you've been around for some time now. 37 years, to be exact. I hope that you have all been good and that you have been keeping each other company.

The reason that I am writing is that I need a big favour. You see, we are trying to encourage as many of you as possible to grow healthy eggs, because we are trying to make a baby (or two!) And yes - we are trying to lure you out with various cocktails and "party favours". We hope that you have enjoyed them; what's a party without a few treats, right? And there's a lot more where that came from, so indulge.

You should probably know that once you are nice and "fat" and "juicy", we'll be draining you and taking out the little eggies that we hope you grow. But please don't worry - it'll be for such a worthwhile cause. Those eggies will get to do some business travel - and this is where the fun really begins! Your eggies will get to meet some really fun guys called spermies! And if we're lucky, each one of your eggies will like a spermie enough to join forces and create a baby! That is the ultimate goal. Won't you be proud that you were part of something that great?

So please, please, Follicles - enjoy the party that we are throwing in my ovaries right now. And encourage those wallflowers to join in on the fun - the more, the merrier!! We'd love to see as many of you as possible at my next ultrasound!

Looking forward to seeing you soon,

Sincerely,
Springroll

Tabula Rasa

2008-11-23T18:54:00.003-08:00

I have Blogger's Block. Yep - after so many months of so much to say, today, I've got nuttin'. I suppose I could give The Update...but even at that, there isn't much to report!

I've been off birth control pills for three days, and started my microdose Suprefact injections this morning. I never thought I could fire up a syringe with one eye closed and one sleepy eye open, but I did it! These needles are teeny, and my threshold for pain has increased, so they aren't a big deal at all! Good thing I am becoming so very used to needles - I'll be seeing a lot of them this cycle!

I'm also waiting for AF to make her appearance so that I can start stims - imagine, so many months of wishing she wouldn't come, and here I am tonight, eager for her to arrive! That, combined with the fact that I was on The Pill this cycle, makes me giggle. Ahhh - what my life has become!

I did receive the very best news this past week - a new friend of mine has just received her first ever positive pregnancy test after completing her first frozen embryo transplant! We met at Starbucks today to celebrate and chat - and I couldn't be more happy for her. After all of the ups and downs, hope and heartache, she and her husband are now going to be blessed with one - possibly two! - little babies to love. And I know that she'll make the best mom ever!

Musings on a Sunday...

2008-11-09T11:16:00.005-08:00

Well, Day 10 of my birth control pills, and I can only assume that all's quiet on the ovarian front. DH and I joke all of the time about the fact that we're on The Pill now - phew! Now we can have sex without worrying that we'll get pregnant - boy does that take the pressure off! Just for fun, we should use a condom, too...

Not much to report right now, other than the fact that I had a lovely dinner with two girlfriends on Friday (Indian...boy, do I love butter chicken...) and I confessed to them that DH and I have been seeing a fertility specialist. For those of you that know me and that have been following our plight, you'll know that this is a big thing for me. Up until now, DH and I have never told anyone other than family what we are dealing with. But it sure has been lonely doing it that way. These girls have been worrying for me for the past two years, and have been wondering why we haven't "gotten in" to see the fertility specialist yet. I finally broke down and told them that we have actually been seeing them for a year and a half...and that we've had four unsuccessful IUIs. I stopped short at telling them that we're trying IVF - I guess I just wanted that to be private for now, until we know the outcome. But it sure did feel like a weight off my shoulders.

By the by - where is everybody? One of my favourite things to do when I log on to my little blog is to read the messages that my dear "cyber-friends" leave me! It lets me get caught up a bit and feel like I am not alone out there. Lately, I haven't heard from anyone - so I'm giving a shout out to you girls - hope you are all doing well and hope to hear from you soon!!

The Girl's Got Flare...

2008-10-27T18:55:00.003-07:00

Yes, I have been a terrible blogger. I've logged on a few times in the past week and a half, but couldn't quite figure out what to write. This would be because not much has been happening in the Springroll World. DH is away on yet another business trip, and I have been cleaning and tidying around the house like mad - it's odd. I'm most productive when he's not around. I suppose it's something I subconsciously do to keep myself from missing him...

Despite my fleeting hope that perhaps I had conceived naturally this month (...hahahahahaha...that's a good one...), my period arrived today. But fear not, I told myself - real hope is just around the corner! In four days, I start taking birth control pills in preparation for my next BIG thing - my second IVF cycle, a la Flare Protocol.

For those that aren't in the know, Flare Protocols are shorter and much more aggressive than most other protocols. It's typically used on women who are poor responders to stims, and will hopefully increase the number of follicles/eggies that I produce. Being the lucky girl I am, I actually get the pleasure of injecting myself with three medications this time around instead of two, as in my last cycle. And I start off with the heaviest dosage of stims right from the get-go. But let's be frank - I'm willing to do anything if it means having a baby in the end.

Lately, I've been thinking about all of the girls that I know who have had unsuccessful cycles, and it scares the shit out of me. But a good "cyber-friend" of mine, who is about to undergo an FET in the next two weeks, has said that she has a really, really good feeling about this - for the both of us. Her hope buoys me - she is a blessing to me right now, because she is giving me the strength that I need to believe that this can happen. Now there's a girl with flare...

I Will Be a Wonderful Mother...

2008-10-15T10:59:00.003-07:00

I came across this on one of the many boards that I read and post on. It was posted by one of the many wonderful women who share in my heartache. It meant so much to me that I thought I would post it here as well - so that in times of sorrow, I might read it again.

I Will Be a Wonderful Mother - Author Unknown

There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

This Isn't Fun At All...

2008-10-08T18:55:00.002-07:00

DH and I have pregnant friends. They are due in January. They were married exactly one week before we were, they tried for 4 months to get pregnant, and they are happily expecting. They were everything that we aren't - they smoked, they drank, they dabbled in drugs, and they partied - a lot. But they are also almost ten years younger than we are, and both had had previous experience with teenage pregnancies (he caused one, she had one). So they at least knew that they could get pregnant. And they showed up on our doorstep on Monday night for a visit.

So I sat and listened as they talked about feeling the baby move. I watched his face as he talked about what he has learned in pre-natal class. I smiled at her politely as she talked about her lack of morning sickness. I nodded with interest as they talked about their hunt for a midwife. I cooed with feigned excitement at their choice of baby names.

But deep, deep down inside, I ached and ached...

Then he announced that they were having a 50/50 baby pool. Yes, correctly guess the baby's birth date and you could take home half of the money they raised (the other half was going toward the baby...) Would we like to play? Of course, DH excitedly said, as he plunked down a twenty. And we waited for our friends to e-mail us the grid of dates to choose from.

DH and I sat down tonight to pick dates. And I guess I asked him one too many stupid questions, because he got irritated with me and exclaimed "Geez, just pick a date!" Then I got annoyed with him and snapped "Forget it, just pick it for me!" to which he replied "Why are you so moody? This is supposed to be fun..."

Doesn't he get it? This isn't fun at all.

It's not fun for me to pick someone else's due date, when I don't even know if I'll ever have my own. It's not fun for me to be looked at with a pitying gaze and then have to hear "We hope it happens for you guys, too." It's not fun for me to think about someone else having it so easy. It's not fun for me to be reminded of something that I want so badly, but don't know if I'll ever have...

Right now, life is just not fun at all.

I'm Not Used to Failing Tests.

2008-09-30T17:46:00.002-07:00

In fact, I was an honour roll student for most of my schooling years. The lowest mark I ever got was a C+ (university Spanish - que pasa?). I was a teacher's pet. So why, can somebody explain to me, have I consistently failed pregnancy tests?!? What is it about the discipline of conception that continues to challenge me? Why am I the class failure when it comes to getting knocked up?!?

Yes, I took a home pregnancy test on Monday morning (14 dpiui) and it came back negative. I spent most of the day crying and obsessing about what I could have done wrong. It certainly looked good on paper, didn't it - 5 follicles, probably just as many eggies, and more than 8 million spermies swimming to meet them. What was it about the sperm that my eggs didn't like? Was it the hair? The cars they were driving? Bad pick-up line? Something must have turned them off, because none of them were willing to let a spermie penetrate. So here I am today - a failure at the pregnancy game, now with cramping and some spotting to boot.

I just don't know how much more I can take. I spent a period of time yesterday in paranoic fear that if the IUI didn't work, then perhaps an IVF won't either. What then? Could I accept a life without biological children? What had I done to deserve this and what can I do to make things right?

Then I spent a period of time berating myself for the self-pity party. I know that there are other brave, strong ladies out there that have had it much worse. But it doesn't make my pain any better. It just really, really hurts to know that yet another attempt has failed. I want to be a mom so bad - when will all of the studying that I have done pay off?

We're Almost There...

2008-09-26T19:31:00.002-07:00

...and I'm getting scared.

Every night since the IUI, I have lain in bed and had a conversation with God. Then I breathe deeply, relaxing myself. Then I fall asleep. In the morning, before I get out of bed, I rub my tummy gently and say to myself, "Good morning, babies". And then I begin my day.

I do all of these things in hopes that I am bringing some positive energy to my situation. I have done so much reading about the influence that a positive frame of mind can have on a fertility treatment outcome. I want my system to be stress free. I want any embies that are inside of me to feel welcome. I want that positive energy to result in a positive test.

And now, here I am at 11dpiui - and I am scared.

DH and I have decided that we are going to take an hpt on Sunday morning - 13 dpiui. With our previous IUIs, we waited until the beta results from the clinic - and I always heard the bad news from the nurses. This time, I have decided that I want us to be the first ones to know. Good or bad, I wanted DH and I to be together. To be there for each other. To hold each other. To laugh or to cry.

I can't really say that I have any indication whatsoever what the outcome might be. I am dismissing all of the changes that my body is going through as being progesterone-induced and I am trying so very hard not to cloud my mind either way with false hopes or self-defeating thoughts. All I can do is wait another couple of days, and then go from there.

It's funny, isn't it, how such a little stick can yield such power...

Etc.

2008-09-19T20:54:00.004-07:00

Well, 4dpiui.

I can't believe how bloated I am with this IUI. I was bloated before, but I swear, this time around I look like I'm about 4 months pregnant - and I'm starting to get incredibly self-conscious about it. See, I'm normally under 110 lbs, so any belly on me really protrudes. But I'm not self-conscious from a shallow, vain aspect. I'm self-conscious because I don't want my colleagues thinking that I am pregnant. DH finds this hard to understand. When I told him that I didn't want people thinking I was pregnant, his response was "Who cares?" But he doesn't get it - see, if I actually was pregnant, it would be kinda neat. It would feel a bit exhilarating and conspiratorial. I would have a happy little secret. However, I am not pregnant (yet/that I know of) so having people think that I am and then subsequently gossiping about me is not fun. It's just a painful reminder, that's all.

Sigh. Anyway, despite the fact that DH reminded me on Tuesday not to get my hopes up too high (in order to avoid later devastation/disappointment), he has been talking to "the girls" (eggies) in my belly, asking them if they are having fun with "the boys" (spermies). It's rather cute that he calls them that. He asks my tummy "Are you partying in there?" and then he rubs my belly affectionately. Tonight, he kissed my tummy and said "Hi girls, hope you're having fun in there..." and then later on he rubbed my belly and said "Oh honey, I hope you're pregnant." His behaviour, while being rather sweet, is beginning to freak me out. What if this didn't work?!? What then?

Okay, I don't want to think that way. I only want to think happy implantation thoughts. I have been doing some short meditations and visualizing little embryos burrowing into a nice, thick lining. The power of positive thinking, right?

I felt nauseous - really nauseous - for about half an hour tonight. But I am chalking that up to overeating my DH's fabulous spaghetti during dinner. It's far too early to be getting morning sickness, but I sure felt gross. Hope that's not what morning sickness is like - but I have a sneaking suspicion that it is.

A special message for my special friend Zabe (Liz) - hang in there, sweetie. You are so right - out of our original "gang', it's just you and me now. We're gonna make it. And soon, we'll be blogging about sleepless nights, feeding schedules, and colic. We'll be sharing tips on homemade baby food and naptimes. Keep the faith - we'll get there.

Tales of an Internet Addict

2008-09-15T13:20:00.003-07:00

Okay, so I have literally spent the last three days combing the world wide web, looking for articles and postings on successful gonal-f/iui cycles. My eyes are crossed. Can other gals dealing with IF relate to this? The unyielding need to know every single thing there is to know about a condition/drug/procedure? How many google terms can you possibly come up with about one topic? How many ways can you say "IUI with injectables success"? And does it matter that some of the posts you read are from 2001? That the women who wrote them have likely gone on to have children (it has, after all, been 7 years...) That these women didn't necessarily know as much as you do on the subject, since you've spent a kajillion hours on the internet? It's crazy. But I need to be comforted. It cheers me up to hear women write about how thrilled they are that they are pregnant from their most recent gonal-f/iui cycle. It gives me hope. Maybe, just maybe, this is it.

I had my IUI this morning - I think it went well. I asked the nurse (Cheryl, totally nice) to read my follicle measurements to me again (this, of course, was due to all of the internet articles I had read on what constitutes a "mature follicle" and my insatiable need to guess how many of my follies would release an eggie...) Two on the right (1.6, 1.8) and three on the left (1.55, 1.7, 1.8). She thought that the three larger ones would release for sure, and that the little ones would likely release, but may not fertilize due to size. Fair enough. I just want one. That's all I'm asking for. One little spermie to drill his way into the eggie and make us a baby. And then for that little baby to stick.

I spent about half an hour laying on the exam table afterwards, breathing deeply, meditating and praying. Asking God for His mercy and His blessing. Asking Him for this miracle.

I like the way that my "cyber-friend", Danielle (DesignerBug) refers to my babies who are waiting to be born - "baby angels". I know that they are in heaven, waiting for God to send them down to us. Waiting to join us, and to be loved. I'm ready. I'm waiting too, Babies. All you have to do is come...

Fabulous Friday...

2008-09-12T10:19:00.005-07:00

Okay, the title of this post sounds a little happier and a bit more optimistic than the last post, doesn't it? Here's why -

Following my sad news on Monday, I decided that I would throw caution to the wind and see my old acupuncturist again for a good old poking session. So I headed there Tuesday evening with great determination, sat down with her and explained my situation to her at length, then hopped up on the old table for my treatment. She went all out for me that night - not only did she put in the needles, but she also hooked me up to electro-stimulators and turned a heat lamp on my kidneys. Turns out that the kidneys have a direct impact/link to the ovaries, so warming them up was supposed to have a positive effect on blood flow and follicle growth. The electro-stimming was kinda cool - I could feel the small pulsating on my back as the machine sent charges through my system.

Well - it all worked like a charm. Yesterday's ultrasound yielded more favourable numbers - ranging from 1.2 to 1.8! It may just be me, but that seems to be pretty significant growth for those follies!! We aren't working with any more follicles, but the ones that I have are certainly doing well. I was so relieved.

We had the pleasure of getting our ultrasound conducted by the Director of our clinic - great, great man. Gentle, funny and so encouraging. He asked me whether or not I had talked with my ovaries about "smartening up", which made me giggle. He seems to know how to add levity to a tense situation. He did admit that five follicles was a bit low for what they like to see in an IVF cycle, and I broached the subject of converting to an IUI. He then admitted that five was a little "generous" for an IUI, as there is the fear that four or five eggs would release and we would end up with quads...(that sounds heavenly to me right about now, but I am only being facetious...I know that that would be totally dangerous for all involved...)

DH and I are still hoping for the IUI - we know that we don't want to do the IVF cycle with such a small number of follies, and I don't want these last two months to be all for naught. We are keeping fingers crossed. My next u/s is tomorrow morning, and that is when we will be making our final decision as well.

I want to give a special thanks to my lovely IF friends who leave me messages on my posts - your encouragement and inspiration mean the world to me. It makes such a difference to hear from ladies who have been there and know exactly what it's like to deal with infertility...please know that I think about all of you and include you in my prayers.

What is it about Mondays?

2008-09-08T16:54:00.002-07:00

They always seem to suck.

Not only does one have to haul oneself up and out of bed early to get to work, but many of us meet with bad news on Mondays, too.

Like me, for instance.

I had my Day 7 ultrasound and bloodwork this morning, and the news is not good at all. I was so excited up until the va-jay-jay-cam worked its way inside....due to my newfound optimism, I was actually expecting to hear that I was producing follies into the double-digits, and that I was right on target for the world's most successful IVF.

"Hmmm.." murmured the RE, "There's two on the right side..." (whisper, whisper, whisper), "...and three on the left..." (whisper, whisper, whisper...)

I lay there, shocked. The RE then read out some measurements to the nurse, removed the va-jay-jay-cam, and proceeded to tell me the very news that I was petrified to hear...

I only have five follicles, all of which are slightly smaller than what would be expected at this stage of stims (ranging from 0.6 to 0.9). In other words, I'm not really responding that well to the meds.

I basically have three choices:

1. Abandon ship and call it a day (thereby wasting all of the drugs that I have pumped into my system - not to mention the stress, anxiety and tears...)
2. Convert my cycle to an IUI, and hope for the best.
3. Pray that these eggs actually continue to grow, then proceed with egg retrieval and IVF.

After the requisite crying (whilst lying on the examining table, naked from the waist down, draped in a sheet), I gathered my wits about me, got dressed, then met with a nurse to discuss these options. She was so wonderful - she comforted me, gave me plenty of information, listened to me, answered all of my questions. Clinic nurses don't come better than this one.

After writing down all of the info, I called DH from my cell (on the way back to work) and shared my sorrow with him. We weighed everything out - and we've decided to convert to an IUI. We're going on the hope that our chances with this IUI might be higher than previous ones, given the number of eggs that may release. We also didn't want to waste all of the drugs that I have taken thus far. And interestingly, it will be cheaper for us to convert to IUI than for us to cancel the cycle altogether.

I am trying so hard to not let this get me down. When I got home this afternoon, DH hugged me tight and told me to keep my chin up. He told me that we just need to keep our eye on the ball, and that if we want children we need to persevere.

Why does every single thing have to be so hard for us? We just can't seem to catch a break. Just when we were beginning to believe - truly believe - that our dream of having a baby was within reach, the rug gets pulled out from underneath us....it just seems so unfair.

As I sat in the waiting room this morning (following my u/s) waiting for my medication, I reminded myself that God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle. That everything happens for a reason. That this will make me stronger. That this too, shall pass.

Sigh.

NFL Season Has Started!

2008-09-07T10:59:00.003-07:00

So that makes me a football widow.

Yes, my husband LOVES the NFL. As a matter of fact, he is downstairs right now watching the game with a buddy of his, wearing his beloved Steelers jersey and hootin' and hollerin' each time there's a good play.

I don't mind because it leaves me quiet time to do my own things - like get caught up with this blog of mine!!

Here's the update - I'm on Day 6 of stimming and I am getting pretty good at self-administering the shots, if I do say so myself. I was super nervous on the first day, as there was mixing and measuring involved with the drugs, but DH helped me out and in the end it was all good. I have little needle "tracks" on my belly, and some bruising, but otherwise, I am getting used to the little poke. Icing my belly beforehand helps tremendously, as does pinching my belly while I insert the needle.

I had a minor setback on Friday, when (following Day 4 bloodwork) the clinic called to say that my hormone levels were a little low and they had to increase my Gonal F dosage to 450. This made me really worry - basically, it meant that it didn't seem my ovaries were responding to the meds and they had to kick it up a notch. I guess I'm still worried that I'm not producing any eggs, but I suppose there's no point in worrying. I have more bloodwork and another ultrasound tomorrow, so they'll be able to tell then what is going on...

I had a great revelation last night - and that is, I know that I can do this. I know that I am strong enough, and I'm not scared anymore. I will become pregnant. This will have a happy outcome.

Bad Girl!

2008-08-27T19:50:00.002-07:00

Okay, I have been totally neglectful lately about this blog - I find that the days are zooming by and I can hardly catch my breath! After returning home from Hawaii, not one week passed by before I was getting ready to zip off to Vegas! Yes - I was in Sin City with my sister and my parents! My sister and I thought it would be fun to go there with my parents for their anniversary...so we left the hubbies at home (and she left her kiddies) and we spent a couple of crazy nights in the city of indulgence!

A good time was had by all - the weather was hot, the food was fantastic and the shopping was superb. My mom was very good at reminding me when it was time for my Suprefact, and because of her I was on time with my dosages every day (of course, now that my mom isn't around, I've been late a few times! Argh!) The trip reminded me of how special my family is - I love them so much. They have been so supportive through this whole IF thing - which has been so important to me, since DH and I haven't really told any of our friends about it. I am lucky to have them.

Update on the IVF cycle - okay, I am slightly worried about being late for the sniffing. It's happened a few times, and each time I freak out. Will it affect my cycle? Have I screwed up my chances? What if I'm not suppressed enough? I guess only time will tell - I'm going for my baseline ultrasound on Tuesday morning, and hope to get the green light for stims.

I have been debating back and forth over whether or not to return to acupuncture. The latest reports indicate that there is no conclusive evidence that acupuncture is helpful in an IVF cycle (read article here). I definitely know that it aids in relaxation, and I think that that definitely benefits implantation. But I tried acupuncture a year ago and it did not yield the results I had hoped for. Should I still believe in it and give it a try? I am so torn.

What do you think?

Sniff, Sniff...

2008-08-15T22:10:00.002-07:00

Well, today was the first day of my Suprefact nasal spray applications, and let me tell you, it's not as bad I thought it might be. My one big challenge will be to actually remember to do it!! It has to be administered five times a day, every four hours. I must confess, I almost missed one dose this afternoon, as I was busy tip-tapping away on my laptop and totally lost track of time. But I recovered, and here I sit - a girl having gotten through her first day of sniffing!

This is a huge milestone for me. It feels real now. I have a feeling that time is going to fly by, and before we know it, it'll be time to make our little baby. I can't wait.

I told my boss yesterday. He was really great about it - I was so worried to let him know, because it does not look that good for me to be taking more time off work, especially at the beginning of the school year! But he was completely understanding and supportive and he knows how important having a child is to me. I am so grateful that that talk went smoothly.

I am one great, big, huge bag of mixed feelings right now. Though I normally don't have problems expressing myself (especially in writing!) I am having an enormous time articulating how I feel inside. Anxious. Scared. Excited. Thrilled. I am trying to maintain positivity, and I keep repeating to myself "We are going to get pregnant. We are going to get pregnant." Mind over matter, right?

One Tired Little Wahini...

2008-08-11T17:25:00.012-07:00

Aloha!

Yes, at the very last minute, DH and I decided "...to hell with putting our lives on hold..." and we booked a trip to Honolulu, Hawaii. We left on the 3rd of August and just arrived home this afternoon, safe, sound and very, very tired.

We stayed at the lovely Hilton Prince Kuhio, which was one block away from the beach and from Kalakaua Avenue, where the "action" is in Waikiki. It was so much fun. Neither of us had been to Hawaii before, so we didn't know what to expect. We spent a couple of days exploring Waikiki (but found it awfully crowded!), did some shopping, then drove up the East coast of the island on one day, the North Shore another. When you get away from the city, it's absolute paradise - we were so relaxed. It was exactly what the doctor ordered.

Speaking of doctors, looks like I'll be seeing mine soon for the old embryo transplant. That's right - I finally got called off the IVF waiting list this month!! We got the call while we were in Hawaii and we were totally happy. However, we are also really nervous. DH is more nervous than I am - mostly about what would happen if this cycle doesn't work. Would we try again? Can we afford it? Maybe we'll have some "snow babies" we could transfer at a later date? How long would we have to wait? There are so many questions going through our minds, not unlike every other couple that has had to cross this road. However, I have to keep having faith that this is what God has planned for us and that He will help us along this journey...

So I start "sniffin" the old Suprefact on Friday (down-regulation), then start stims the first week of September. They have tentatively scheduled me for a September 15th egg retrieval (yes, Easter comes in September, too! Time to go hunting for eggs!) and September 18th for embryo transfer. Our second anniversary is on September 16th, so I hope that God has a little anniversary gift planned for us...

P.S. That's me on the onesie. Ha! Actually, I found this pic from Gwen Stefani's infant Harajuku line, and thought it was a cute representation of the Hawaiian "babymoon" that DH and I just took - our last holiday alone together (hopefully!) before our precious baby joins our family.

How Lucky Can a Girl Get?

2008-07-26T10:02:00.003-07:00

I am currently reading a book called "Nurturing Yourself Through IVF", which has been great, since it talks about all of the things that one can do spiritually, wholistically, and emotionally to increase the likelihood of a positive IVF result. I am on the chapter which talks about the power of positive thinking - hence the title of this entry. Do you want to know how lucky I am right now?

I am sick. Yes, have had a cold now for a week. (Caution: physically explicit description on the horizon...) Coughing, sneezing, lotsa phlegm. I caught this cold from DH, who only had a mild form of it for THREE days, while I am working on Day EIGHT. And just yesterday, I was lucky enough to have been diagnosed with conjunctivitis ("pink eye") in both of my eyes. Yes, I am a walking time-bomb. My immune system is completely shot and I feel and look like crap.

We were supposed to go camping this weekend with friends, which I was actually looking forward to. However, given my illness and my desire NOT to pass on the pink eye to my husband, I skipped the trip and sent my husband along anyway. So I am alone this weekend, hacking away, and feeling sorry for myself.

But think positively, right?

Boy, I love being sick!! Reminds me that I'm alive!

P.S. I am 10 dpo, with no sign of pregnancy. Darn it. I don't even have sore boobs this month, which I always have! Now I'm just waitin' for good old AF to arrive so that I can get this IVF party started...

P.P.S. All I've done this morning is clean the goop out of my eyes, blow my nose, write this entry and watch music videos. Can't believe that the New Kids on the Block are still "hangin' tough" (haha!) They look old. But wait a minute, if they look old, then how do I look?!?

Dreams Really Do Come True...

2008-07-20T09:59:00.002-07:00

Sending out a great, big, congratulatory hug today to my "cyber-friend" CJDR, who has just received multiple BFPs on her hpts after her third IUI!! What a blessing this is for her and her husband - I know that she was beginning to feel defeated and so terribly discouraged. After an almost three year struggle, she is finally experiencing the happiness she deserves and her situation has helped to reinforce for me that dreams really do come true...

I find it so much easier to be happy for girls who find out they're pregnant after struggling with infertility. Is that an unbelievably crass, mean thing to say? I'm sorry if it is. It's just that for many of the girls that I have interacted with in these last two years who have become pregnant (and believe me, there were a TON...fourteen, to be exact...) the vast majority of them didn't need to try for more than 6 months, and a couple of them even got pregnant by accident! These are girls that can't relate to the struggle of a woman who has been trying for years. These are girls that give advice like "Relax and it will happen!" These are girls that don't know the heartache that I have felt time and time again.

But women who have faced the sorrow and despair of infertility know how precious that positive result is. These are women who have lived through the tests, the drugs and the injections. These are women who can truly relate to what I am going through, and whose advice I can accept because for them, it has been just as hard.

So when these women get pregnant, I shed tears - of joy, not of jealously or heartache.

CJ - I'm shedding some tears for you this morning. God bless you, your husband, and this tiny miracle you have finally been given.

It can only get better from here...

2008-07-15T16:57:00.002-07:00

So. No call. Well, actually, there was a call, but it was from me to them. After waiting the requisite 7-10 days and not hearing from my clinic, I decided to give them a call to find out what the heck was going on. And the nurse that I talked to said (with what seemed at the time to be contrived sympathy) "Oh, looks like you missed it this month by three people..."

What?!? Get the f**k out of here!! What do you mean I missed it by three people?!?

Contrary to what the nurse told me last month, I wasn't close enough to the top to be offered treatment this cycle. So now I have to wait yet again. Does the waiting ever end when one has infertility? From my perspective, the answer's a big, fat NO.

So now I am in limbo for the rest of the summer. DH and I were going to plan a big trip; the initial disappointment was replaced with excitement when my hubbie reminded me that now we were free to travel somewhere exotic for the rest of the month. But then reality set in - I have to call in my next cycle (which, the nurse du jour tells me, will be IT - the cycle that I am guaranteed treatment...), then wait for a call back, then go pick up drugs, and then start my suppression. How can I do all of that from Tokyo or Bangkok? It's just not possible.

Having to put your life on hold like this really sucks. Now, I recognize that I am a total control freak, which adds to the frustration. But DH and I have had to deal with so many ups and downs for what seems like a lifetime - it just doesn't seem fair that we have to wait yet another month for our miracle to happen.

A great little gal from the boards over at IVF.ca (who just had her ER, successfully!) encouraged me by telling me - the juice is worth the squeeze. This will have to become my mantra.

After all, it can only get better from here, right?

Update...

2008-07-03T23:34:00.002-07:00

Woke up to a little surprise this morning...

Back to Day 1...

Called in to the period hotline - keeping fingers crossed that this is it!!

It's a Mystery

2008-07-02T21:37:00.004-07:00

So, I am one of the most faithful basal body temperature takers you will ever come across in your life. For the last two years, I have lived and died by the temperature that I take first thing in the morning. Yes, every morning, between 6:15 and 6:30, my alarm clock sounds and I roll over to pop my little pink thermometer into my mouth. In fact, I can do it with my eyes closed. I have memorized days worth of temps to record on my chart, and these charts have helped me to anticipate everything that my body has thrown my way.

Except for this month.

You see, each month my temperature usually rises to a crescendo, then ten days after ovulation, my temperature takes a dip and I start spotting on that day. Now, every once in a while, the temp drops nine days after ovu, or I don't spot until eleven days after ovu. But still, I know that each time my temp dips, good old af is on her way.

Well, here I am at twelve days post-ovulation, and nothin'. Not a damn thing.

Now here's the mystery:

My temp started dropping two days ago, then dropped again yesterday. But today, it went back up again slightly. And no period. Odd, isn't it?

Now, had this been about a year and a half ago, my heart would be racing and I would be eagerly peeing on an hpt. But not now. Nope. I've seen too many negatives on an hpt to even bother with one anymore. In fact, DH asked tonight if we should take the test, and I told him no. "We've seen our share of negative test results, dear! If my period doesn't come, then let's consider ourselves pregnant, shall we?" I said to him.

I guess only time will tell. Tomorrow morning, I will turn over and pop my thermometer into my mouth again and see what it says. And maybe it will provide me with a clue to this mystery. Or perhaps af will arrive to solve it.

The Call

2008-06-26T20:15:00.003-07:00

Well, I never got it. It seems that although I am close to the top of "the list", I am not close enough to be called up for The Big Event. Those of you who know me will know how disappointing this turn of events is for me - had I been called this month to start my IVF cycle, I would be looking at a retrieval and transfer in late July. As it stands now, it looks like I'll be cycling next month, which means a late August retrieval and transfer - right smack dab in the middle of the first week of school.

Now, as a principal, I am going to have a damn hard time begging off the first week of school. What do I tell my boss? Um, excuse me, sir, I have just had a month and a half off of work, but can I please take another week? Oh, that'll look good.

Of course, I could come clean with my boss on what's happening. But I'm still not all that comfortable talking about this to anyone outside of my own family. I have this teeny, deeply seeded fear that it may not work, and I don't exactly want people to be holding their breaths waiting for me to announce that I am pregnant!!

The bright side of it all is that DH and I could possibly go on a romantic trip now...which we had been postponing because we thought we'd be cycling in early July. Booking a trip now would cost an arm and a leg...but wouldn't it be worth it? I need to get away; the stress of year end at work and this whole IF thing is about to kill me.

And while we're on the subject of year end, today was the last day of school!!! Yipppeee!! I have grand plans of doing some gardening and puttering around the house. Man, I love summer.

Geez...what an entry. Filled with completely mundane and random thoughts. But my brain is fried right now and I cannot for the life of me come up with something cohesive and witty.

Perhaps it's time for me to snuggle into bed and watch a little So You Think You Can Dance?

P.S. I'm in the tww again...turns out last month wasn't the last ditch effort month. Since finding out we weren't cycling this month, we tried reeeeeeally hard again. I'm keeping my fingers crossed...

I am so lucky...

2008-06-13T20:59:00.004-07:00

My heart goes out to Duck tonight, as my very worst fears are being lived by her right this minute. I stumbled upon her blog a few months back, and being a fellow Canadian, I followed her story and hoped for the best for her. Then, earlier today while I was reading the postings on the ivf.ca boards, I came across an entry by a lady who received the terrible news from her RE today that she will likely never have children. But to add to the sadness, her husband has told her that he does not want to be with her because she cannot give him biological children. This painful entry was written by a lady named Duck. I put two and two together and visited her blog, and my heart broke for her...

For every woman that struggles with infertility, this is a fear that adds to the suffering. I know that I have also worried that my DH will love me less if we aren't able to have a biological family. In fact, one evening while on a long walk, I asked him, "Honey, will you stop loving me if we can't have children?" He told me not to be ridiculous - that he married me, and not an unborn child. That he will love me always. And this made me feel a hundred times better. But each time AF arrives and I have to tell him, my heart breaks a little bit more when I see the disappointment on his face.

My husband has been terrific through our whole battle with infertility. He has held me tight when my spirit has broken. He has wiped away tears and whispered softly, "It's alright." He has told me that it will happen. That soon, we will have our babies. That one day, he will coach our son in hockey, or dance with our little girl. He has checked my fertility monitor and consulted calendars, all in the name of ovulation. He has told me how beautiful I am, even when the fertility drugs blew me up like a balloon. He has gone faithfully with me to most of my appointments, asking all the right questions, and absorbing all of the answers. He has held my hand firmly in his for the past year and half. And for that, I am so grateful and I thank God that I have him.