Party Pooper

Every kid's biggest nightmare is that no one will show up at their party. The invitations are sent, the balloons are all shiny, the chips and pop are out on the table, ready to be devoured. But what if only a handful of children show up - not even half of what's expected? It's the stuff that therapy sessions are made of...

Well, welcome to my life.

Yes, I had the ultrasound today - and not even half of what I expected showed up for the festivities.

Today's ultrasound showed that I have a whopping SIX follicles. Now, for those of you that have been following our plight, you will know that in my last cycle, I only had FIVE follicles. Hence, the conversion to an IUI, which led to the BFN, which led to the BCP, which led to the S-I-X. As the nurse describes it, my ovaries obviously don't want this as badly as I do. They are acting like they are 50 years old. They are lazy. They've retired to Florida. No wonder they didn't show up to party.

DH and I were hoping for - expecting, really - at least eight to ten follicles. Given the fact that I am maxed out on meds right now, you'd think my ovaries would be traumatized into producing more follicles! But nope - not my ovaries. They are giving me the royal f-you. "Pump us full of drugs, eh? Well, we'll show you!!"

The RE tells me that there's hope - it's still early in the cycle, he tells me. There's a chance that more will come, he offers. Then he patted my foot gently and told me to hang in there. What choice do I have?

DH and I decided over the weekend that we are going to go for it this cycle - even if we ended up with the same number of follicles as last time. It only takes one. So I am going to continue my stims for as long as the RE tell us to, then we are going to close our eyes and go on a wing and a prayer.

It only takes one. Just one.

Dear Follicles...

Dear Follicles,

We haven't actually met, but as I understand it, you've been around for some time now. 37 years, to be exact. I hope that you have all been good and that you have been keeping each other company.

The reason that I am writing is that I need a big favour. You see, we are trying to encourage as many of you as possible to grow healthy eggs, because we are trying to make a baby (or two!) And yes - we are trying to lure you out with various cocktails and "party favours". We hope that you have enjoyed them; what's a party without a few treats, right? And there's a lot more where that came from, so indulge.

You should probably know that once you are nice and "fat" and "juicy", we'll be draining you and taking out the little eggies that we hope you grow. But please don't worry - it'll be for such a worthwhile cause. Those eggies will get to do some business travel - and this is where the fun really begins! Your eggies will get to meet some really fun guys called spermies! And if we're lucky, each one of your eggies will like a spermie enough to join forces and create a baby! That is the ultimate goal. Won't you be proud that you were part of something that great?

So please, please, Follicles - enjoy the party that we are throwing in my ovaries right now. And encourage those wallflowers to join in on the fun - the more, the merrier!! We'd love to see as many of you as possible at my next ultrasound!

Looking forward to seeing you soon,

Sincerely,
Springroll

Tabula Rasa

I have Blogger's Block. Yep - after so many months of so much to say, today, I've got nuttin'. I suppose I could give The Update...but even at that, there isn't much to report!

I've been off birth control pills for three days, and started my microdose Suprefact injections this morning. I never thought I could fire up a syringe with one eye closed and one sleepy eye open, but I did it! These needles are teeny, and my threshold for pain has increased, so they aren't a big deal at all! Good thing I am becoming so very used to needles - I'll be seeing a lot of them this cycle!

I'm also waiting for AF to make her appearance so that I can start stims - imagine, so many months of wishing she wouldn't come, and here I am tonight, eager for her to arrive! That, combined with the fact that I was on The Pill this cycle, makes me giggle. Ahhh - what my life has become!

I did receive the very best news this past week - a new friend of mine has just received her first ever positive pregnancy test after completing her first frozen embryo transplant! We met at Starbucks today to celebrate and chat - and I couldn't be more happy for her. After all of the ups and downs, hope and heartache, she and her husband are now going to be blessed with one - possibly two! - little babies to love. And I know that she'll make the best mom ever!

Musings on a Sunday...

Well, Day 10 of my birth control pills, and I can only assume that all's quiet on the ovarian front. DH and I joke all of the time about the fact that we're on The Pill now - phew! Now we can have sex without worrying that we'll get pregnant - boy does that take the pressure off! Just for fun, we should use a condom, too...

Not much to report right now, other than the fact that I had a lovely dinner with two girlfriends on Friday (Indian...boy, do I love butter chicken...) and I confessed to them that DH and I have been seeing a fertility specialist. For those of you that know me and that have been following our plight, you'll know that this is a big thing for me. Up until now, DH and I have never told anyone other than family what we are dealing with. But it sure has been lonely doing it that way. These girls have been worrying for me for the past two years, and have been wondering why we haven't "gotten in" to see the fertility specialist yet. I finally broke down and told them that we have actually been seeing them for a year and a half...and that we've had four unsuccessful IUIs. I stopped short at telling them that we're trying IVF - I guess I just wanted that to be private for now, until we know the outcome. But it sure did feel like a weight off my shoulders.

By the by - where is everybody? One of my favourite things to do when I log on to my little blog is to read the messages that my dear "cyber-friends" leave me! It lets me get caught up a bit and feel like I am not alone out there. Lately, I haven't heard from anyone - so I'm giving a shout out to you girls - hope you are all doing well and hope to hear from you soon!!

The Girl's Got Flare...

Yes, I have been a terrible blogger. I've logged on a few times in the past week and a half, but couldn't quite figure out what to write. This would be because not much has been happening in the Springroll World. DH is away on yet another business trip, and I have been cleaning and tidying around the house like mad - it's odd. I'm most productive when he's not around. I suppose it's something I subconsciously do to keep myself from missing him...

Despite my fleeting hope that perhaps I had conceived naturally this month (...hahahahahaha...that's a good one...), my period arrived today. But fear not, I told myself - real hope is just around the corner! In four days, I start taking birth control pills in preparation for my next BIG thing - my second IVF cycle, a la Flare Protocol.

For those that aren't in the know, Flare Protocols are shorter and much more aggressive than most other protocols. It's typically used on women who are poor responders to stims, and will hopefully increase the number of follicles/eggies that I produce. Being the lucky girl I am, I actually get the pleasure of injecting myself with three medications this time around instead of two, as in my last cycle. And I start off with the heaviest dosage of stims right from the get-go. But let's be frank - I'm willing to do anything if it means having a baby in the end.

Lately, I've been thinking about all of the girls that I know who have had unsuccessful cycles, and it scares the shit out of me. But a good "cyber-friend" of mine, who is about to undergo an FET in the next two weeks, has said that she has a really, really good feeling about this - for the both of us. Her hope buoys me - she is a blessing to me right now, because she is giving me the strength that I need to believe that this can happen. Now there's a girl with flare...

I Will Be a Wonderful Mother...

I came across this on one of the many boards that I read and post on. It was posted by one of the many wonderful women who share in my heartache. It meant so much to me that I thought I would post it here as well - so that in times of sorrow, I might read it again.

I Will Be a Wonderful Mother - Author Unknown

There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

This Isn't Fun At All...

DH and I have pregnant friends. They are due in January. They were married exactly one week before we were, they tried for 4 months to get pregnant, and they are happily expecting. They were everything that we aren't - they smoked, they drank, they dabbled in drugs, and they partied - a lot. But they are also almost ten years younger than we are, and both had had previous experience with teenage pregnancies (he caused one, she had one). So they at least knew that they could get pregnant. And they showed up on our doorstep on Monday night for a visit.

So I sat and listened as they talked about feeling the baby move. I watched his face as he talked about what he has learned in pre-natal class. I smiled at her politely as she talked about her lack of morning sickness. I nodded with interest as they talked about their hunt for a midwife. I cooed with feigned excitement at their choice of baby names.

But deep, deep down inside, I ached and ached...

Then he announced that they were having a 50/50 baby pool. Yes, correctly guess the baby's birth date and you could take home half of the money they raised (the other half was going toward the baby...) Would we like to play? Of course, DH excitedly said, as he plunked down a twenty. And we waited for our friends to e-mail us the grid of dates to choose from.

DH and I sat down tonight to pick dates. And I guess I asked him one too many stupid questions, because he got irritated with me and exclaimed "Geez, just pick a date!" Then I got annoyed with him and snapped "Forget it, just pick it for me!" to which he replied "Why are you so moody? This is supposed to be fun..."

Doesn't he get it? This isn't fun at all.

It's not fun for me to pick someone else's due date, when I don't even know if I'll ever have my own. It's not fun for me to be looked at with a pitying gaze and then have to hear "We hope it happens for you guys, too." It's not fun for me to think about someone else having it so easy. It's not fun for me to be reminded of something that I want so badly, but don't know if I'll ever have...

Right now, life is just not fun at all.