Right now, it's 8:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning and I am one-finger typing. My little lovebug is sitting on my lap, happily chewing on his hands and kicking his legs. Oh, there's an occasional spit-up or two as well...but he is content. Daddy is still asleep and Mommy is waiting for the washing machine to finish (loose diaper in the middle of the night = soaking wet sleepsack...which my son can't sleep without!) And when the house is quiet like this, my mind starts to wander to the one thing that has been troubling me of late...
What about #2?
Seems ridiculous to even think about this right now, given all of the problems we have had and the fact that our little one is only 4 and a half months old. I feel greedy even allowing the thought to enter my head. I feel as though I have no right to think about this, because unlike many others, I won my hard fought battle...with the ultimate prize...
But time slows down for nobody...it marches on and on, in my case leaving its nasty imprint on my ovaries and eggs. For someone whose infertility issues are related to egg quality, time is an unwelcome entity.
DH and I have talked about it - he seems less concerned than I. While he's never actually said it aloud, I believe that he would be happy with having one child in our lives. He has said he's not sure if he wants to do another IVF - to see me go through it all again. He's told me not to obsess about getting pregnant again; to relax and take it one day at a time. He has said, "We never even thought we could be parents to one - but here we are. We should be happy." And it's not that I'm unhappy (oh, God, on the contrary...everyday that I look into my lovebug's eyes I feel more than happiness than I could ever imagine...). It's just that there is so much love in our little family that I want to be able to share it with another child. Is that selfish of me?
So here I am, wrestling with the pros and cons of having a one-child family. There are definitely some pros - more time and resources to spend on our little lovebug, which means exposure to so many more opportunities. But will he be lonely? Will he turn out spoiled? Is he going to turn into a little adult, incapable of relating to peers his own age? Will we have a hard time explaining to him why he can't have a little brother or sister?
In my mind, I know that I shouldn't be wasting my time worrying about this. Realistically, I truly should feel happy, satisfied, and fulfilled. I have one happy, healthy baby.
But this lurks in the recesses of my mind every now and then...
Wouldn't it be great if I had two?
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Life Day
Yesterday was a special day for us. Last July 14th was the day that our sweet baby boy was conceived. It was a day filled with anxiety and fear, then joy and hope - we didn't know what to expect with the egg retrieval and, truth be told, I went in with low expectations so that I wouldn't once again be devastated. But on this day, one year ago, the embryologist told us that our eggs looked good. And then our baby was created.
A gal whose blog I used to follow called this day "Life Day" - the day that her baby was given life. This has always stuck with me - and now, here I am, celebrating our own life day with a beautiful four month old baby boy. I can't believe that it's been a year! It definitely seems like yesterday that we were on that rollercoaster...the ups and downs seemed neverending. But the end result was worth the tumultuous ride.
Mason continues to amaze us each day. He learned to roll over from his back to his front on Canada Day, while on a visit to his Granny and Grampa's in Kelowna. We had him sleeping in the Kidco Pea Pod (a travel bed that looks like a miniature tent) - and at the end of one of his afternoon naps, I found him face down on the carpet of the guest room at my in-laws'...he had rolled out of the tent!! Poor little guy was wailing and flailing his little arms...he has since learned to better control the rolling, and is just beginning to get the hang of rolling back onto his back. It has been a worrisome couple of weeks, though, with Mason rolling onto his tummy to sleep. The first couple of nights were pretty much sleepless for me - I was constantly waking up to check on him. But according to the many "experts" (read: Mommies) on "Dr. Google", there isn't anything to worry about - as long as the crib is empty of all blankets, bumper pads and toys. It seems that if a baby is old enough to roll, he is old enough to stay safe.
I love when he keeps me company during the day. My favourite thing to do is to place him in his Bumbo chair and situate him in the kitchen so that he can watch me cook. He coos and gurgles and we have really great conversations while I'm preparing dinner! He is such a little lovebug, and as time goes on and he becomes more interactive, I find myself falling more and more in love (if that is possible!)
Sigh. Happy Life Day, my sweetie. Although you don't know it, you have filled our lives with amazing sunshine and happiness. We love you!
A gal whose blog I used to follow called this day "Life Day" - the day that her baby was given life. This has always stuck with me - and now, here I am, celebrating our own life day with a beautiful four month old baby boy. I can't believe that it's been a year! It definitely seems like yesterday that we were on that rollercoaster...the ups and downs seemed neverending. But the end result was worth the tumultuous ride.
Mason continues to amaze us each day. He learned to roll over from his back to his front on Canada Day, while on a visit to his Granny and Grampa's in Kelowna. We had him sleeping in the Kidco Pea Pod (a travel bed that looks like a miniature tent) - and at the end of one of his afternoon naps, I found him face down on the carpet of the guest room at my in-laws'...he had rolled out of the tent!! Poor little guy was wailing and flailing his little arms...he has since learned to better control the rolling, and is just beginning to get the hang of rolling back onto his back. It has been a worrisome couple of weeks, though, with Mason rolling onto his tummy to sleep. The first couple of nights were pretty much sleepless for me - I was constantly waking up to check on him. But according to the many "experts" (read: Mommies) on "Dr. Google", there isn't anything to worry about - as long as the crib is empty of all blankets, bumper pads and toys. It seems that if a baby is old enough to roll, he is old enough to stay safe.
I love when he keeps me company during the day. My favourite thing to do is to place him in his Bumbo chair and situate him in the kitchen so that he can watch me cook. He coos and gurgles and we have really great conversations while I'm preparing dinner! He is such a little lovebug, and as time goes on and he becomes more interactive, I find myself falling more and more in love (if that is possible!)
Sigh. Happy Life Day, my sweetie. Although you don't know it, you have filled our lives with amazing sunshine and happiness. We love you!
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
My LoveBug is Twelve Weeks Old!
Sigh.
Mason is twelve weeks old today. Hard to believe. These past three months have been so amazing - words can hardly describe them. I had heard from so many people that the first six weeks with a newborn is hell - and I can't say that I disagree. But along with that hell came so much love and happiness that the dark days were overshadowed. Then, when we finally got into a groove and everyone got used to each other, each day was a day of discovery (for both Mason and his parents!) He has taught us so many things - about patience and caring, and total, absolute, unconditional love...
Mason's finally reached the start of the "fun point" - he is smiling and cooing and gurgling in response to our interactions with him. He is a happy baby (for the most part...except during nap time!) and for that, we are grateful. And we know that there's more fun around the corner...
Our little guy is ready to move into his own room. Up until this point, we had him in a bassinette beside our bed, and it was so lovely (and comforting) to hear his little sighs and grunts throughout the night as he slept soundly. I'm going to miss hearing it all - even the sound of him unloading into his diaper!! And so will my dear husband; as a matter of fact, he said that other night that he was really going to miss having our son in our room, and that he knows he'll be running into Mason's bedroom to check on him every five minutes! This is a brand new kind of separation anxiety...
In other news, it would appear that my body is ready to make another baby... (hahahahahahaha...*picks self up off floor*). Good old AF showed up on June 1st, amid much confusion (isn't she supposed to stay away for the duration of my breastfeeding days?) My mum actually cautioned me to go on birth control now (again, hahahahahahahaha....) but my husband is thrilled. "We can start trying again!" he exclaimed happily. Um, honey - did someone forget that we are infertile? :)
A special message to all of my special cyberfriends that follow this humble little blog - happy spring! Whatever your circumstance, embrace this season as a time for renewal. Keep your faith. Hang in there. I am sending you hugs...
Mason is twelve weeks old today. Hard to believe. These past three months have been so amazing - words can hardly describe them. I had heard from so many people that the first six weeks with a newborn is hell - and I can't say that I disagree. But along with that hell came so much love and happiness that the dark days were overshadowed. Then, when we finally got into a groove and everyone got used to each other, each day was a day of discovery (for both Mason and his parents!) He has taught us so many things - about patience and caring, and total, absolute, unconditional love...
Mason's finally reached the start of the "fun point" - he is smiling and cooing and gurgling in response to our interactions with him. He is a happy baby (for the most part...except during nap time!) and for that, we are grateful. And we know that there's more fun around the corner...
Our little guy is ready to move into his own room. Up until this point, we had him in a bassinette beside our bed, and it was so lovely (and comforting) to hear his little sighs and grunts throughout the night as he slept soundly. I'm going to miss hearing it all - even the sound of him unloading into his diaper!! And so will my dear husband; as a matter of fact, he said that other night that he was really going to miss having our son in our room, and that he knows he'll be running into Mason's bedroom to check on him every five minutes! This is a brand new kind of separation anxiety...
In other news, it would appear that my body is ready to make another baby... (hahahahahahaha...*picks self up off floor*). Good old AF showed up on June 1st, amid much confusion (isn't she supposed to stay away for the duration of my breastfeeding days?) My mum actually cautioned me to go on birth control now (again, hahahahahahahaha....) but my husband is thrilled. "We can start trying again!" he exclaimed happily. Um, honey - did someone forget that we are infertile? :)
A special message to all of my special cyberfriends that follow this humble little blog - happy spring! Whatever your circumstance, embrace this season as a time for renewal. Keep your faith. Hang in there. I am sending you hugs...
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Five Fast Facts about....Mason!
Where do the days go?
I have a beautiful baby journal that I have yet to begin writing in. A blog that I haven't posted on in weeks. Feet that are screaming for a pedicure. A house that desperately needs tidying. Cheques that need depositing. And a husband that needs a little lovin'.
And all because of a little man named Mason.
Here are five fast facts about my little monkey -
1. He has the hiccups at least once a day. This was the way it was when he was in utero - I constantly felt the reverberation of hiccups in my tummy. Poor little thing - when he was littler, he couldn't hiccup and cry at the same time, so whenever he had the hiccups, we popped him into his bassinette to sleep. He couldn't fuss - because of the hiccups - so he just fell asleep instead. Awesome.
2. He hates naps. I have the darnedest time putting him down for a nap during the day - he figures there's waaaay too much fun going on around him. Never wants to miss out on a thing. So he wails and wails and wails - and the little tears streaming down his face rip at my heartstrings. So I end up picking him up for a cuddle. Sigh. Sleep training going out the window...
3. He has a funny little way of checking to make sure you're still around when he's falling asleep. He opens up one eye (usually the right one) and takes a peek. He's been doing this since he was born - I noticed it when we were in the NICU. Cutest thing EVER.
4. When he is trying to do something - lift his head during tummy time, get out of his swaddle, etc. - he makes these tiny little grunting noises, like he is really trying hard. He is such a determined, strong little guy. He's been able to hold his head up since he was a week old, and he's got powerful little legs that love to kick and press. He's going to be a great athlete one day.
5. He is a mama's boy. He knows my voice, loves my singing. Cuddles right into me. Finds comfort in me. Looks deep into my eyes and smiles at me from the very core of his little heart. When he is tired, he will fuss and fuss with anyone else, but the minute I hold him, he stops. And sighs. And relaxes his body into mine. And at that very moment, I know that all is right with the world.
Slowly but surely, our routines are getting established. I am trying to get Mason on a schedule, but it's hard. Even though he's only 2 months old, I can't help but panic slightly - "...he's already 2 months old and we haven't got him on a schedule?!?"
I have a beautiful baby journal that I have yet to begin writing in. A blog that I haven't posted on in weeks. Feet that are screaming for a pedicure. A house that desperately needs tidying. Cheques that need depositing. And a husband that needs a little lovin'.
And all because of a little man named Mason.
Here are five fast facts about my little monkey -
1. He has the hiccups at least once a day. This was the way it was when he was in utero - I constantly felt the reverberation of hiccups in my tummy. Poor little thing - when he was littler, he couldn't hiccup and cry at the same time, so whenever he had the hiccups, we popped him into his bassinette to sleep. He couldn't fuss - because of the hiccups - so he just fell asleep instead. Awesome.
2. He hates naps. I have the darnedest time putting him down for a nap during the day - he figures there's waaaay too much fun going on around him. Never wants to miss out on a thing. So he wails and wails and wails - and the little tears streaming down his face rip at my heartstrings. So I end up picking him up for a cuddle. Sigh. Sleep training going out the window...
3. He has a funny little way of checking to make sure you're still around when he's falling asleep. He opens up one eye (usually the right one) and takes a peek. He's been doing this since he was born - I noticed it when we were in the NICU. Cutest thing EVER.
4. When he is trying to do something - lift his head during tummy time, get out of his swaddle, etc. - he makes these tiny little grunting noises, like he is really trying hard. He is such a determined, strong little guy. He's been able to hold his head up since he was a week old, and he's got powerful little legs that love to kick and press. He's going to be a great athlete one day.
5. He is a mama's boy. He knows my voice, loves my singing. Cuddles right into me. Finds comfort in me. Looks deep into my eyes and smiles at me from the very core of his little heart. When he is tired, he will fuss and fuss with anyone else, but the minute I hold him, he stops. And sighs. And relaxes his body into mine. And at that very moment, I know that all is right with the world.
Slowly but surely, our routines are getting established. I am trying to get Mason on a schedule, but it's hard. Even though he's only 2 months old, I can't help but panic slightly - "...he's already 2 months old and we haven't got him on a schedule?!?"
Everything revolves around his feeds - and since I am no longer waking him up at night to feed him, his feed times change everyday because he doesn't always wake up at the same time in the middle of the night to nurse. Hence, the difficulty in scheduling him.
In my heart, I know that it will all happen in due time. Best for me just to enjoy every single second with my little lovebug.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
On Becoming a Mother...
I have waited so long for this day.
10 months ago, every day seemed to be filled with anxiety and uncertainty. Injections, patches, ultrasounds - it seemed never ending and in moments when I thought our luck would never take a turn for the better, I reminded myself of the end goal and I pushed forward. Always praying, always hoping.
And here I am today.
This morning, at 5:00 a.m., I held my son to my breast and looked into his eyes. I stroked his cheek and I cried.
But this time, they were tears of joy.
Because I had waited so long for this day - and it had finally come.
Every year, DH and I used to host my family's Mother's Day dinner at our house....the theory being that my sister and my mom deserved the night off, and because I wasn't a mother, I could do the cooking and the hostessing. But this year, things were different...
We went out for dinner last evening, and my sister and mom embraced me so warmly. They whispered, "Happy Mother's Day". And it felt so nice. I have become a Mother.
I have been given a wonderful gift - a little one who touches my heart and soul every day. And I will never, ever squander this opportunity - because this incredibly elusive gift was so hard to get. Of all the blessings that I count on a daily basis, this one is the very best.
10 months ago, every day seemed to be filled with anxiety and uncertainty. Injections, patches, ultrasounds - it seemed never ending and in moments when I thought our luck would never take a turn for the better, I reminded myself of the end goal and I pushed forward. Always praying, always hoping.
And here I am today.
This morning, at 5:00 a.m., I held my son to my breast and looked into his eyes. I stroked his cheek and I cried.
But this time, they were tears of joy.
Because I had waited so long for this day - and it had finally come.
Every year, DH and I used to host my family's Mother's Day dinner at our house....the theory being that my sister and my mom deserved the night off, and because I wasn't a mother, I could do the cooking and the hostessing. But this year, things were different...
We went out for dinner last evening, and my sister and mom embraced me so warmly. They whispered, "Happy Mother's Day". And it felt so nice. I have become a Mother.
I have been given a wonderful gift - a little one who touches my heart and soul every day. And I will never, ever squander this opportunity - because this incredibly elusive gift was so hard to get. Of all the blessings that I count on a daily basis, this one is the very best.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Red Eggs and Ginger
Today marked our baby boy's one month birthday. And, as is the Chinese custom, we held a big Red Egg and Ginger Party for Mason, filled with good food, loving family, and wonderful friends.
What, you may ask, is a Red Egg and Ginger Party? Centuries ago, when medical resources and medical knowledge were not plentiful, infant mortality rates were high. The Chinese considered the one-month mark to be the "safe point" at which the baby's survival was assured - thus, a large celebration was held to introduce the baby to family and friends. The baby's name was announced at this celebration, and the mother (who was supposed to stay indoors to convalesce during the first month...) was finally able to rejoin the community. Red eggs and ginger are handed out to the party guests, and the baby is given gifts of lucky money in red envelopes. A Red Egg and Ginger Party is meant to be a very joyous occasion for everyone attending!
Obviously, I haven't been housebound for a month, but it was definitely nice to get dressed up for a night out. We held Mason's party at our favourite Chinese restaurant, and had approximately 40 guests. DH's parents came into town for the party, and we had the chance to gather together all of our close friends - what a great evening! The food was spectacular and the mood was festive. Mason looked adorable, dressed in a little red sleeper (P.S. - ask me how hard it was to find a red outfit for a newborn baby boy!!), and he charmed everyone with his calm demeanour. He spent the better part of the night being handed around from person to person - everyone wanted a cuddle. Everyone remarked at what a sweet little baby he is - and I couldn't disagree. Even though it was a long night, my little boy didn't complain one bit - he was so patient. I was so proud of him!
It's hard to believe that one month has passed by already...it's been filled with a lot of sleepless nights and diaper changes, but I definitely wouldn't change a thing. I have waited so long for this - and am enjoying every single second.
Happy One Month Birthday, my son. We love you!
What, you may ask, is a Red Egg and Ginger Party? Centuries ago, when medical resources and medical knowledge were not plentiful, infant mortality rates were high. The Chinese considered the one-month mark to be the "safe point" at which the baby's survival was assured - thus, a large celebration was held to introduce the baby to family and friends. The baby's name was announced at this celebration, and the mother (who was supposed to stay indoors to convalesce during the first month...) was finally able to rejoin the community. Red eggs and ginger are handed out to the party guests, and the baby is given gifts of lucky money in red envelopes. A Red Egg and Ginger Party is meant to be a very joyous occasion for everyone attending!
Obviously, I haven't been housebound for a month, but it was definitely nice to get dressed up for a night out. We held Mason's party at our favourite Chinese restaurant, and had approximately 40 guests. DH's parents came into town for the party, and we had the chance to gather together all of our close friends - what a great evening! The food was spectacular and the mood was festive. Mason looked adorable, dressed in a little red sleeper (P.S. - ask me how hard it was to find a red outfit for a newborn baby boy!!), and he charmed everyone with his calm demeanour. He spent the better part of the night being handed around from person to person - everyone wanted a cuddle. Everyone remarked at what a sweet little baby he is - and I couldn't disagree. Even though it was a long night, my little boy didn't complain one bit - he was so patient. I was so proud of him!
It's hard to believe that one month has passed by already...it's been filled with a lot of sleepless nights and diaper changes, but I definitely wouldn't change a thing. I have waited so long for this - and am enjoying every single second.
Happy One Month Birthday, my son. We love you!
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