Bad Girl!

Okay, I have been totally neglectful lately about this blog - I find that the days are zooming by and I can hardly catch my breath! After returning home from Hawaii, not one week passed by before I was getting ready to zip off to Vegas! Yes - I was in Sin City with my sister and my parents! My sister and I thought it would be fun to go there with my parents for their anniversary...so we left the hubbies at home (and she left her kiddies) and we spent a couple of crazy nights in the city of indulgence!

A good time was had by all - the weather was hot, the food was fantastic and the shopping was superb. My mom was very good at reminding me when it was time for my Suprefact, and because of her I was on time with my dosages every day (of course, now that my mom isn't around, I've been late a few times! Argh!) The trip reminded me of how special my family is - I love them so much. They have been so supportive through this whole IF thing - which has been so important to me, since DH and I haven't really told any of our friends about it. I am lucky to have them.

Update on the IVF cycle - okay, I am slightly worried about being late for the sniffing. It's happened a few times, and each time I freak out. Will it affect my cycle? Have I screwed up my chances? What if I'm not suppressed enough? I guess only time will tell - I'm going for my baseline ultrasound on Tuesday morning, and hope to get the green light for stims.

I have been debating back and forth over whether or not to return to acupuncture. The latest reports indicate that there is no conclusive evidence that acupuncture is helpful in an IVF cycle (read article here). I definitely know that it aids in relaxation, and I think that that definitely benefits implantation. But I tried acupuncture a year ago and it did not yield the results I had hoped for. Should I still believe in it and give it a try? I am so torn.

What do you think?

Sniff, Sniff...

Well, today was the first day of my Suprefact nasal spray applications, and let me tell you, it's not as bad I thought it might be. My one big challenge will be to actually remember to do it!! It has to be administered five times a day, every four hours. I must confess, I almost missed one dose this afternoon, as I was busy tip-tapping away on my laptop and totally lost track of time. But I recovered, and here I sit - a girl having gotten through her first day of sniffing!

This is a huge milestone for me. It feels real now. I have a feeling that time is going to fly by, and before we know it, it'll be time to make our little baby. I can't wait.

I told my boss yesterday. He was really great about it - I was so worried to let him know, because it does not look that good for me to be taking more time off work, especially at the beginning of the school year! But he was completely understanding and supportive and he knows how important having a child is to me. I am so grateful that that talk went smoothly.

I am one great, big, huge bag of mixed feelings right now. Though I normally don't have problems expressing myself (especially in writing!) I am having an enormous time articulating how I feel inside. Anxious. Scared. Excited. Thrilled. I am trying to maintain positivity, and I keep repeating to myself "We are going to get pregnant. We are going to get pregnant." Mind over matter, right?

One Tired Little Wahini...

Aloha!

Yes, at the very last minute, DH and I decided "...to hell with putting our lives on hold..." and we booked a trip to Honolulu, Hawaii. We left on the 3rd of August and just arrived home this afternoon, safe, sound and very, very tired.

We stayed at the lovely Hilton Prince Kuhio, which was one block away from the beach and from Kalakaua Avenue, where the "action" is in Waikiki. It was so much fun. Neither of us had been to Hawaii before, so we didn't know what to expect. We spent a couple of days exploring Waikiki (but found it awfully crowded!), did some shopping, then drove up the East coast of the island on one day, the North Shore another. When you get away from the city, it's absolute paradise - we were so relaxed. It was exactly what the doctor ordered.

Speaking of doctors, looks like I'll be seeing mine soon for the old embryo transplant. That's right - I finally got called off the IVF waiting list this month!! We got the call while we were in Hawaii and we were totally happy. However, we are also really nervous. DH is more nervous than I am - mostly about what would happen if this cycle doesn't work. Would we try again? Can we afford it? Maybe we'll have some "snow babies" we could transfer at a later date? How long would we have to wait? There are so many questions going through our minds, not unlike every other couple that has had to cross this road. However, I have to keep having faith that this is what God has planned for us and that He will help us along this journey...

So I start "sniffin" the old Suprefact on Friday (down-regulation), then start stims the first week of September. They have tentatively scheduled me for a September 15th egg retrieval (yes, Easter comes in September, too! Time to go hunting for eggs!) and September 18th for embryo transfer. Our second anniversary is on September 16th, so I hope that God has a little anniversary gift planned for us...

P.S. That's me on the onesie. Ha! Actually, I found this pic from Gwen Stefani's infant Harajuku line, and thought it was a cute representation of the Hawaiian "babymoon" that DH and I just took - our last holiday alone together (hopefully!) before our precious baby joins our family.

How Lucky Can a Girl Get?

I am currently reading a book called "Nurturing Yourself Through IVF", which has been great, since it talks about all of the things that one can do spiritually, wholistically, and emotionally to increase the likelihood of a positive IVF result. I am on the chapter which talks about the power of positive thinking - hence the title of this entry. Do you want to know how lucky I am right now?

I am sick. Yes, have had a cold now for a week. (Caution: physically explicit description on the horizon...) Coughing, sneezing, lotsa phlegm. I caught this cold from DH, who only had a mild form of it for THREE days, while I am working on Day EIGHT. And just yesterday, I was lucky enough to have been diagnosed with conjunctivitis ("pink eye") in both of my eyes. Yes, I am a walking time-bomb. My immune system is completely shot and I feel and look like crap.

We were supposed to go camping this weekend with friends, which I was actually looking forward to. However, given my illness and my desire NOT to pass on the pink eye to my husband, I skipped the trip and sent my husband along anyway. So I am alone this weekend, hacking away, and feeling sorry for myself.

But think positively, right?

Boy, I love being sick!! Reminds me that I'm alive!

P.S. I am 10 dpo, with no sign of pregnancy. Darn it. I don't even have sore boobs this month, which I always have! Now I'm just waitin' for good old AF to arrive so that I can get this IVF party started...

P.P.S. All I've done this morning is clean the goop out of my eyes, blow my nose, write this entry and watch music videos. Can't believe that the New Kids on the Block are still "hangin' tough" (haha!) They look old. But wait a minute, if they look old, then how do I look?!?

Dreams Really Do Come True...

Sending out a great, big, congratulatory hug today to my "cyber-friend" CJDR, who has just received multiple BFPs on her hpts after her third IUI!! What a blessing this is for her and her husband - I know that she was beginning to feel defeated and so terribly discouraged. After an almost three year struggle, she is finally experiencing the happiness she deserves and her situation has helped to reinforce for me that dreams really do come true...

I find it so much easier to be happy for girls who find out they're pregnant after struggling with infertility. Is that an unbelievably crass, mean thing to say? I'm sorry if it is. It's just that for many of the girls that I have interacted with in these last two years who have become pregnant (and believe me, there were a TON...fourteen, to be exact...) the vast majority of them didn't need to try for more than 6 months, and a couple of them even got pregnant by accident! These are girls that can't relate to the struggle of a woman who has been trying for years. These are girls that give advice like "Relax and it will happen!" These are girls that don't know the heartache that I have felt time and time again.

But women who have faced the sorrow and despair of infertility know how precious that positive result is. These are women who have lived through the tests, the drugs and the injections. These are women who can truly relate to what I am going through, and whose advice I can accept because for them, it has been just as hard.

So when these women get pregnant, I shed tears - of joy, not of jealously or heartache.

CJ - I'm shedding some tears for you this morning. God bless you, your husband, and this tiny miracle you have finally been given.

It can only get better from here...

So. No call. Well, actually, there was a call, but it was from me to them. After waiting the requisite 7-10 days and not hearing from my clinic, I decided to give them a call to find out what the heck was going on. And the nurse that I talked to said (with what seemed at the time to be contrived sympathy) "Oh, looks like you missed it this month by three people..."

What?!? Get the f**k out of here!! What do you mean I missed it by three people?!?

Contrary to what the nurse told me last month, I wasn't close enough to the top to be offered treatment this cycle. So now I have to wait yet again. Does the waiting ever end when one has infertility? From my perspective, the answer's a big, fat NO.

So now I am in limbo for the rest of the summer. DH and I were going to plan a big trip; the initial disappointment was replaced with excitement when my hubbie reminded me that now we were free to travel somewhere exotic for the rest of the month. But then reality set in - I have to call in my next cycle (which, the nurse du jour tells me, will be IT - the cycle that I am guaranteed treatment...), then wait for a call back, then go pick up drugs, and then start my suppression. How can I do all of that from Tokyo or Bangkok? It's just not possible.

Having to put your life on hold like this really sucks. Now, I recognize that I am a total control freak, which adds to the frustration. But DH and I have had to deal with so many ups and downs for what seems like a lifetime - it just doesn't seem fair that we have to wait yet another month for our miracle to happen.

A great little gal from the boards over at IVF.ca (who just had her ER, successfully!) encouraged me by telling me - the juice is worth the squeeze. This will have to become my mantra.

After all, it can only get better from here, right?

Update...

Woke up to a little surprise this morning...

Back to Day 1...

Called in to the period hotline - keeping fingers crossed that this is it!!