The First Ultrasound - 7w5d

Christmas came and went, and I must say - I am suffering a slight case of the holiday blues. I think that this is due in large part to the fact that I worked up until the 22nd and didn't really have a lot of time to prepare for Christmas! By the time work was over, the in-laws invaded, I was in a mad rush to do all of my Christmas shopping, wrapping, and cooking. Then before I knew it - it was over!

It was still magical for our little M - very different from his first Christmas, as his awareness was so much more heightened! Although I was worried, we had no problems with the Christmas tree - M admired it, pointing and saying "Cwismas tree!", but he didn't pull anything off or touch anything on or under it. He was absolutely adorable when it came to Santa Claus! Whenever anyone asked him, "What does Santa say?", M would lower his voice (to make it sound husky) and go "Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!" Pure joy. He had a ton of fun with his grandparents and cousins, and was simply spoiled. Everything that I would want Christmas to be for my baby boy.

We managed to get our first u/s squeezed in during the holidays, although not without a bit of hassle. The fertility clinic called on the 23rd to say that an error had been made in our booking, and instead of the 28th, we were scheduled for an appointment on the 5th of January. That really ticked me off - I was so anxious to see a little heartbeat and know that our little embie was snuggled in, safe and sound. So I spoke with my RE and she managed to squeeze us in at the clinic for an impromptu u/s on the 2nd.

So here are the deets - at 7w5d, our little embie was measuring ahead of schedule at 8 weeks. Its heartbeat was 170bpm, and according to our RE, everything looked "Beautiful!" I was so relieved and we feel so blessed.

I am already starting to show - quite a bit. Not sure if it's bloating from the drugs or just a total lack of tummy muscles, but this one's gonna be hard to hide. So I just decided that when I return to work next Monday and hold my first staff meeting of the year, I'm just gonna announce that there's a bun in the oven...no point in fanning the rumour fires.

Sigh. We are so very, very lucky - this thought never escapes me, not even for a minute. To go from being told that we had a less than 5% chance of conceiving our own child (even through ART) to now becoming a family of four...thanks be to God.

Holy Moly!!

Our family had a wonderful little weekend, celebrating our good news by heading out to the mountains and staying at a beautiful resort tucked in the heart of the Canadian Rockies...while we were cozy in our room, cuddling (all three of us!) under a down duvet on the king sized bed, it snowed lightly outside our window. Sigh. Simply amazing.

DH and I are still in a bit of shock over our blessed news, but mostly, we just can't stop smiling! We arrived home on Sunday morning, and I headed out to the lab in the afternoon to get my beta test done.

You will never believe the result....

My hcg beta - 16dp2dt - is 2281.

Yes - holy moly!!!

I couldn't believe my ears when the nurse from the clinic phoned this morning, and I actually had to ask her to repeat herself.

"Isn't that a bit high?!?" I asked.

"Yes." she replied, "But that's good! Congratulations!"

"Doesn't a high number like that sometimes mean multiples?" I persisted...

"Yes." she answered, "There's a possibility!"

"But I only transferred one embryo. Isn't it too early for it to split???" I could feel the blood drain from my face as I thought of this possibility.

"Um...no...but let's get you booked in for an ultrasound, shall we?" she replied cheerfully, clearly trying to distract me from my neurosis....

I am still trying to come to terms with the number, and hope that it's just a strong little embie, burying in deep and producing a lot of hcg. But my mind couldn't help but wander to the thought that a high beta number could also mean a molar pregnancy...

I pray to God that it isn't...

Walk Softly and Carry a Big Stick...

...or in my case, a pee stick....

I was going to test on the morning of my last entry (12dp2dt), but decided against it for one main reason: I was worried that if the result was negative, I would spend a bunch of time sweating out whether it was a true negative or if it was too early to test. I just didn't want to get myself worked up like that - just wasn't worth it.

So I waited another two days and tested this morning.

As I sit here at my desk and type this entry, I am also enjoying a nice, hot cup of tea. Gazing into the mug, this is what I see:

12dp2dt...not that I'm counting....

It's been a quick 12 days. I'm sure that having my little bunny to look after, plus working full time, plus the passing of my FORTIETH birthday (egads!) has helped the time pass by quickly. But no matter how busy it's been, I have still taken a quiet moment each night to say a prayer and think about how much time has passed since our brave little embie set up shop in my tummy.

Not sure what to say about symptoms, as I tend to attribute any out-of-the-ordinary feelings to my little buddies, Progesterone and Estrace. Boobies have been a tiny bit sore and feel a tiny bit fuller. Appetite like a hungry bear. Cramps and twinges here and there (especially 7dp2dt...). But it could all be an illusion - I won't know for another few days...

I'll be taking a home pregnancy test on Friday, and have a beta booked for Sunday. Nervous, scared, freaked out. These will be the last hpts that I take for the rest of my life...

DH and I booked a weekend away in the mountains at a swanky hotel...with our little bunny, of course. The way I see it, the little trip will be either celebratory in nature, or it will be a change of scenery as I mourn. But no matter - this weekend will be a time of much needed rest and relaxation.

3dpt2dt

Hello, friends -

Sorry that I haven't posted the update...not quite sure why, other than the fact that despite my very best efforts to slow down and take it easy since the transfer, I've been a little busy at home (the 2ww is sure different with a toddler!!)

My tummy is now home to one lovely little embie - a four celled beauty on Day 2, with perfectly formed cells and a tiny bit of fragmentation. The embryologists scored it 1-2 (with 1 being "perfect" and 4 being "poor"), and the RE that did the transfer commented that it was a great looking embryo. We watched the ultrasound screen very carefully in order not to miss seeing the little shining spark as it entered my womb...things went without a hitch. One post-transfer acupuncture session later and we were done.

And now the wait begins.

We are trying not to be too hopeful, but overall we are feeling positive about things. I've done a fair bit of reading on Day 2 transfers, and several studies on their efficacy with poor responders/older IVF patients (that's me!) We have yet to nickname this little gem, but I'm sure we will come up with something soon. Daddy talks to it every night and I pray every chance that I get that it is growing strong and healthy.

Poor little M is struggling - he is a Mama's Boy, through and through, so we knew that this was going to be tough on him. I am not lifting him, which he finds so terribly hard (as do I...) His constant "Mama, nuggle" ("Mama, snuggles!") and then frustrated tears when I bend down just to hug him breaks my heart. But Daddy picks him up and puts him into my lap any time he can, so that's a bit of consolation. Needless to say, it's going to be a looooong two weeks...

Thanks to those of you who have commented and sent encouraging words - they have meant more than you will ever know...

xoxo

Devastated

What a colossal disaster this cycle has been....

One egg. That's all they managed to get this morning. One mature egg. Apparently the other two were cysts.

I am dreading the call from the embryologist tomorrow...

Trigger Happy

Tonight's the night! Time to pull the trigger...inject the old HCG and let it work its magic. Not that it has much to do....for I have a grand total of (...dramatic drumroll, please....) - 3 follicles.

Yep. You read correctly. 3. Last Thursday's ultrasound was a disappointing one, as I learned that I only had 4 follicles to work with. The RE who did the u/s asked if I wanted to cancel the cycle, and I asked her for her honest, from-the-gut opinion. She said that realistically, she doesn't think that I'll get any better than this, given my age and the fact that I am on the cadillac of protocols (read: maxed out on drugs...) So she said that if she were me, she'd go for it. Nothing to lose.

Fast forward to Saturday and my next ultrasound, attended by my own RE. Who discovers that I only have 3 follicles instead of the original quote of 4. But she is much more encouraging (kind) than the other RE; instead of giving me the cynical response, she tells me that it only takes one.

So here I am - strapping on the parachute and ready to take the dive again.

Once again, for posterity, my numbers are as follows: 2.0 on the left; 1.75 and 1.75 on the right.

The retrieval is on Wednesday. Please pray for me, ladies!

xoxo
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