Monday, October 27, 2008

The Girl's Got Flare...

Yes, I have been a terrible blogger. I've logged on a few times in the past week and a half, but couldn't quite figure out what to write. This would be because not much has been happening in the Springroll World. DH is away on yet another business trip, and I have been cleaning and tidying around the house like mad - it's odd. I'm most productive when he's not around. I suppose it's something I subconsciously do to keep myself from missing him...

Despite my fleeting hope that perhaps I had conceived naturally this month (...hahahahahaha...that's a good one...), my period arrived today. But fear not, I told myself - real hope is just around the corner! In four days, I start taking birth control pills in preparation for my next BIG thing - my second IVF cycle, a la Flare Protocol.

For those that aren't in the know, Flare Protocols are shorter and much more aggressive than most other protocols. It's typically used on women who are poor responders to stims, and will hopefully increase the number of follicles/eggies that I produce. Being the lucky girl I am, I actually get the pleasure of injecting myself with three medications this time around instead of two, as in my last cycle. And I start off with the heaviest dosage of stims right from the get-go. But let's be frank - I'm willing to do anything if it means having a baby in the end.

Lately, I've been thinking about all of the girls that I know who have had unsuccessful cycles, and it scares the shit out of me. But a good "cyber-friend" of mine, who is about to undergo an FET in the next two weeks, has said that she has a really, really good feeling about this - for the both of us. Her hope buoys me - she is a blessing to me right now, because she is giving me the strength that I need to believe that this can happen. Now there's a girl with flare...

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I Will Be a Wonderful Mother...

I came across this on one of the many boards that I read and post on. It was posted by one of the many wonderful women who share in my heartache. It meant so much to me that I thought I would post it here as well - so that in times of sorrow, I might read it again.

I Will Be a Wonderful Mother - Author Unknown

There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

This Isn't Fun At All...

DH and I have pregnant friends. They are due in January. They were married exactly one week before we were, they tried for 4 months to get pregnant, and they are happily expecting. They were everything that we aren't - they smoked, they drank, they dabbled in drugs, and they partied - a lot. But they are also almost ten years younger than we are, and both had had previous experience with teenage pregnancies (he caused one, she had one). So they at least knew that they could get pregnant. And they showed up on our doorstep on Monday night for a visit.

So I sat and listened as they talked about feeling the baby move. I watched his face as he talked about what he has learned in pre-natal class. I smiled at her politely as she talked about her lack of morning sickness. I nodded with interest as they talked about their hunt for a midwife. I cooed with feigned excitement at their choice of baby names.

But deep, deep down inside, I ached and ached...

Then he announced that they were having a 50/50 baby pool. Yes, correctly guess the baby's birth date and you could take home half of the money they raised (the other half was going toward the baby...) Would we like to play? Of course, DH excitedly said, as he plunked down a twenty. And we waited for our friends to e-mail us the grid of dates to choose from.

DH and I sat down tonight to pick dates. And I guess I asked him one too many stupid questions, because he got irritated with me and exclaimed "Geez, just pick a date!" Then I got annoyed with him and snapped "Forget it, just pick it for me!" to which he replied "Why are you so moody? This is supposed to be fun..."

Doesn't he get it? This isn't fun at all.

It's not fun for me to pick someone else's due date, when I don't even know if I'll ever have my own. It's not fun for me to be looked at with a pitying gaze and then have to hear "We hope it happens for you guys, too." It's not fun for me to think about someone else having it so easy. It's not fun for me to be reminded of something that I want so badly, but don't know if I'll ever have...

Right now, life is just not fun at all.