I'm Not Used to Failing Tests.

In fact, I was an honour roll student for most of my schooling years. The lowest mark I ever got was a C+ (university Spanish - que pasa?). I was a teacher's pet. So why, can somebody explain to me, have I consistently failed pregnancy tests?!? What is it about the discipline of conception that continues to challenge me? Why am I the class failure when it comes to getting knocked up?!?

Yes, I took a home pregnancy test on Monday morning (14 dpiui) and it came back negative. I spent most of the day crying and obsessing about what I could have done wrong. It certainly looked good on paper, didn't it - 5 follicles, probably just as many eggies, and more than 8 million spermies swimming to meet them. What was it about the sperm that my eggs didn't like? Was it the hair? The cars they were driving? Bad pick-up line? Something must have turned them off, because none of them were willing to let a spermie penetrate. So here I am today - a failure at the pregnancy game, now with cramping and some spotting to boot.

I just don't know how much more I can take. I spent a period of time yesterday in paranoic fear that if the IUI didn't work, then perhaps an IVF won't either. What then? Could I accept a life without biological children? What had I done to deserve this and what can I do to make things right?

Then I spent a period of time berating myself for the self-pity party. I know that there are other brave, strong ladies out there that have had it much worse. But it doesn't make my pain any better. It just really, really hurts to know that yet another attempt has failed. I want to be a mom so bad - when will all of the studying that I have done pay off?

We're Almost There...

...and I'm getting scared.

Every night since the IUI, I have lain in bed and had a conversation with God. Then I breathe deeply, relaxing myself. Then I fall asleep. In the morning, before I get out of bed, I rub my tummy gently and say to myself, "Good morning, babies". And then I begin my day.

I do all of these things in hopes that I am bringing some positive energy to my situation. I have done so much reading about the influence that a positive frame of mind can have on a fertility treatment outcome. I want my system to be stress free. I want any embies that are inside of me to feel welcome. I want that positive energy to result in a positive test.

And now, here I am at 11dpiui - and I am scared.

DH and I have decided that we are going to take an hpt on Sunday morning - 13 dpiui. With our previous IUIs, we waited until the beta results from the clinic - and I always heard the bad news from the nurses. This time, I have decided that I want us to be the first ones to know. Good or bad, I wanted DH and I to be together. To be there for each other. To hold each other. To laugh or to cry.

I can't really say that I have any indication whatsoever what the outcome might be. I am dismissing all of the changes that my body is going through as being progesterone-induced and I am trying so very hard not to cloud my mind either way with false hopes or self-defeating thoughts. All I can do is wait another couple of days, and then go from there.

It's funny, isn't it, how such a little stick can yield such power...

Etc.

Well, 4dpiui.

I can't believe how bloated I am with this IUI. I was bloated before, but I swear, this time around I look like I'm about 4 months pregnant - and I'm starting to get incredibly self-conscious about it. See, I'm normally under 110 lbs, so any belly on me really protrudes. But I'm not self-conscious from a shallow, vain aspect. I'm self-conscious because I don't want my colleagues thinking that I am pregnant. DH finds this hard to understand. When I told him that I didn't want people thinking I was pregnant, his response was "Who cares?" But he doesn't get it - see, if I actually was pregnant, it would be kinda neat. It would feel a bit exhilarating and conspiratorial. I would have a happy little secret. However, I am not pregnant (yet/that I know of) so having people think that I am and then subsequently gossiping about me is not fun. It's just a painful reminder, that's all.

Sigh. Anyway, despite the fact that DH reminded me on Tuesday not to get my hopes up too high (in order to avoid later devastation/disappointment), he has been talking to "the girls" (eggies) in my belly, asking them if they are having fun with "the boys" (spermies). It's rather cute that he calls them that. He asks my tummy "Are you partying in there?" and then he rubs my belly affectionately. Tonight, he kissed my tummy and said "Hi girls, hope you're having fun in there..." and then later on he rubbed my belly and said "Oh honey, I hope you're pregnant." His behaviour, while being rather sweet, is beginning to freak me out. What if this didn't work?!? What then?

Okay, I don't want to think that way. I only want to think happy implantation thoughts. I have been doing some short meditations and visualizing little embryos burrowing into a nice, thick lining. The power of positive thinking, right?

I felt nauseous - really nauseous - for about half an hour tonight. But I am chalking that up to overeating my DH's fabulous spaghetti during dinner. It's far too early to be getting morning sickness, but I sure felt gross. Hope that's not what morning sickness is like - but I have a sneaking suspicion that it is.

A special message for my special friend Zabe (Liz) - hang in there, sweetie. You are so right - out of our original "gang', it's just you and me now. We're gonna make it. And soon, we'll be blogging about sleepless nights, feeding schedules, and colic. We'll be sharing tips on homemade baby food and naptimes. Keep the faith - we'll get there.

Tales of an Internet Addict

Okay, so I have literally spent the last three days combing the world wide web, looking for articles and postings on successful gonal-f/iui cycles. My eyes are crossed. Can other gals dealing with IF relate to this? The unyielding need to know every single thing there is to know about a condition/drug/procedure? How many google terms can you possibly come up with about one topic? How many ways can you say "IUI with injectables success"? And does it matter that some of the posts you read are from 2001? That the women who wrote them have likely gone on to have children (it has, after all, been 7 years...) That these women didn't necessarily know as much as you do on the subject, since you've spent a kajillion hours on the internet? It's crazy. But I need to be comforted. It cheers me up to hear women write about how thrilled they are that they are pregnant from their most recent gonal-f/iui cycle. It gives me hope. Maybe, just maybe, this is it.

I had my IUI this morning - I think it went well. I asked the nurse (Cheryl, totally nice) to read my follicle measurements to me again (this, of course, was due to all of the internet articles I had read on what constitutes a "mature follicle" and my insatiable need to guess how many of my follies would release an eggie...) Two on the right (1.6, 1.8) and three on the left (1.55, 1.7, 1.8). She thought that the three larger ones would release for sure, and that the little ones would likely release, but may not fertilize due to size. Fair enough. I just want one. That's all I'm asking for. One little spermie to drill his way into the eggie and make us a baby. And then for that little baby to stick.

I spent about half an hour laying on the exam table afterwards, breathing deeply, meditating and praying. Asking God for His mercy and His blessing. Asking Him for this miracle.

I like the way that my "cyber-friend", Danielle (DesignerBug) refers to my babies who are waiting to be born - "baby angels". I know that they are in heaven, waiting for God to send them down to us. Waiting to join us, and to be loved. I'm ready. I'm waiting too, Babies. All you have to do is come...

Fabulous Friday...

Okay, the title of this post sounds a little happier and a bit more optimistic than the last post, doesn't it? Here's why -

Following my sad news on Monday, I decided that I would throw caution to the wind and see my old acupuncturist again for a good old poking session. So I headed there Tuesday evening with great determination, sat down with her and explained my situation to her at length, then hopped up on the old table for my treatment. She went all out for me that night - not only did she put in the needles, but she also hooked me up to electro-stimulators and turned a heat lamp on my kidneys. Turns out that the kidneys have a direct impact/link to the ovaries, so warming them up was supposed to have a positive effect on blood flow and follicle growth. The electro-stimming was kinda cool - I could feel the small pulsating on my back as the machine sent charges through my system.

Well - it all worked like a charm. Yesterday's ultrasound yielded more favourable numbers - ranging from 1.2 to 1.8! It may just be me, but that seems to be pretty significant growth for those follies!! We aren't working with any more follicles, but the ones that I have are certainly doing well. I was so relieved.

We had the pleasure of getting our ultrasound conducted by the Director of our clinic - great, great man. Gentle, funny and so encouraging. He asked me whether or not I had talked with my ovaries about "smartening up", which made me giggle. He seems to know how to add levity to a tense situation. He did admit that five follicles was a bit low for what they like to see in an IVF cycle, and I broached the subject of converting to an IUI. He then admitted that five was a little "generous" for an IUI, as there is the fear that four or five eggs would release and we would end up with quads...(that sounds heavenly to me right about now, but I am only being facetious...I know that that would be totally dangerous for all involved...)

DH and I are still hoping for the IUI - we know that we don't want to do the IVF cycle with such a small number of follies, and I don't want these last two months to be all for naught. We are keeping fingers crossed. My next u/s is tomorrow morning, and that is when we will be making our final decision as well.

I want to give a special thanks to my lovely IF friends who leave me messages on my posts - your encouragement and inspiration mean the world to me. It makes such a difference to hear from ladies who have been there and know exactly what it's like to deal with infertility...please know that I think about all of you and include you in my prayers.

What is it about Mondays?

They always seem to suck.

Not only does one have to haul oneself up and out of bed early to get to work, but many of us meet with bad news on Mondays, too.

Like me, for instance.

I had my Day 7 ultrasound and bloodwork this morning, and the news is not good at all. I was so excited up until the va-jay-jay-cam worked its way inside....due to my newfound optimism, I was actually expecting to hear that I was producing follies into the double-digits, and that I was right on target for the world's most successful IVF.

"Hmmm.." murmured the RE, "There's two on the right side..." (whisper, whisper, whisper), "...and three on the left..." (whisper, whisper, whisper...)

I lay there, shocked. The RE then read out some measurements to the nurse, removed the va-jay-jay-cam, and proceeded to tell me the very news that I was petrified to hear...

I only have five follicles, all of which are slightly smaller than what would be expected at this stage of stims (ranging from 0.6 to 0.9). In other words, I'm not really responding that well to the meds.

I basically have three choices:

1. Abandon ship and call it a day (thereby wasting all of the drugs that I have pumped into my system - not to mention the stress, anxiety and tears...)
2. Convert my cycle to an IUI, and hope for the best.
3. Pray that these eggs actually continue to grow, then proceed with egg retrieval and IVF.

After the requisite crying (whilst lying on the examining table, naked from the waist down, draped in a sheet), I gathered my wits about me, got dressed, then met with a nurse to discuss these options. She was so wonderful - she comforted me, gave me plenty of information, listened to me, answered all of my questions. Clinic nurses don't come better than this one.

After writing down all of the info, I called DH from my cell (on the way back to work) and shared my sorrow with him. We weighed everything out - and we've decided to convert to an IUI. We're going on the hope that our chances with this IUI might be higher than previous ones, given the number of eggs that may release. We also didn't want to waste all of the drugs that I have taken thus far. And interestingly, it will be cheaper for us to convert to IUI than for us to cancel the cycle altogether.

I am trying so hard to not let this get me down. When I got home this afternoon, DH hugged me tight and told me to keep my chin up. He told me that we just need to keep our eye on the ball, and that if we want children we need to persevere.

Why does every single thing have to be so hard for us? We just can't seem to catch a break. Just when we were beginning to believe - truly believe - that our dream of having a baby was within reach, the rug gets pulled out from underneath us....it just seems so unfair.

As I sat in the waiting room this morning (following my u/s) waiting for my medication, I reminded myself that God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle. That everything happens for a reason. That this will make me stronger. That this too, shall pass.

Sigh.

NFL Season Has Started!

So that makes me a football widow.

Yes, my husband LOVES the NFL. As a matter of fact, he is downstairs right now watching the game with a buddy of his, wearing his beloved Steelers jersey and hootin' and hollerin' each time there's a good play.

I don't mind because it leaves me quiet time to do my own things - like get caught up with this blog of mine!!

Here's the update - I'm on Day 6 of stimming and I am getting pretty good at self-administering the shots, if I do say so myself. I was super nervous on the first day, as there was mixing and measuring involved with the drugs, but DH helped me out and in the end it was all good. I have little needle "tracks" on my belly, and some bruising, but otherwise, I am getting used to the little poke. Icing my belly beforehand helps tremendously, as does pinching my belly while I insert the needle.

I had a minor setback on Friday, when (following Day 4 bloodwork) the clinic called to say that my hormone levels were a little low and they had to increase my Gonal F dosage to 450. This made me really worry - basically, it meant that it didn't seem my ovaries were responding to the meds and they had to kick it up a notch. I guess I'm still worried that I'm not producing any eggs, but I suppose there's no point in worrying. I have more bloodwork and another ultrasound tomorrow, so they'll be able to tell then what is going on...

I had a great revelation last night - and that is, I know that I can do this. I know that I am strong enough, and I'm not scared anymore. I will become pregnant. This will have a happy outcome.