DH and I have pregnant friends. They are due in January. They were married exactly one week before we were, they tried for 4 months to get pregnant, and they are happily expecting. They were everything that we aren't - they smoked, they drank, they dabbled in drugs, and they partied - a lot. But they are also almost ten years younger than we are, and both had had previous experience with teenage pregnancies (he caused one, she had one). So they at least knew that they could get pregnant. And they showed up on our doorstep on Monday night for a visit.
So I sat and listened as they talked about feeling the baby move. I watched his face as he talked about what he has learned in pre-natal class. I smiled at her politely as she talked about her lack of morning sickness. I nodded with interest as they talked about their hunt for a midwife. I cooed with feigned excitement at their choice of baby names.
But deep, deep down inside, I ached and ached...
Then he announced that they were having a 50/50 baby pool. Yes, correctly guess the baby's birth date and you could take home half of the money they raised (the other half was going toward the baby...) Would we like to play? Of course, DH excitedly said, as he plunked down a twenty. And we waited for our friends to e-mail us the grid of dates to choose from.
DH and I sat down tonight to pick dates. And I guess I asked him one too many stupid questions, because he got irritated with me and exclaimed "Geez, just pick a date!" Then I got annoyed with him and snapped "Forget it, just pick it for me!" to which he replied "Why are you so moody? This is supposed to be fun..."
Doesn't he get it? This isn't fun at all.
It's not fun for me to pick someone else's due date, when I don't even know if I'll ever have my own. It's not fun for me to be looked at with a pitying gaze and then have to hear "We hope it happens for you guys, too." It's not fun for me to think about someone else having it so easy. It's not fun for me to be reminded of something that I want so badly, but don't know if I'll ever have...
Right now, life is just not fun at all.