Thursday, March 27, 2008

Double or Triple Scoop?

Okay, so I haven't left for Mexico yet...but I am definitely counting down the days!

I had my appointment with my new gynecologist/obstretician to talk about my polyp and it was a great appointment. She's funny and open and took the time to listen and answer questions. I had asked her how long the polyp had been there, how big it was, and if the polyp was the reason that none of my IUIs "took", and she revealed something interesting to me:

She wrestled with infertility for five years. She had 8 IUIs, and 5 IVFs. She said she knew exactly where I was going with my questions, but said she was going to "check (her) emotions at the door and say no, the polyp didn't have any impact." She then went on to tell me a bit about her own experiences and how she struggled. At the end of her fourth IVF cycle (failed), she was told by the fertility clinic that the next IVF would be her last one at that clinic, because they couldn't help her anymore. She said she was devastated and was scared to death that she wouldn't have her own biological child. She told me that not even a breast cancer scare she had had earlier on had put that kind of fear into her heart.

But one day she had this amazing revelation that she firmly believes helped her. Her turning point was when she truly, genuinely accepted in her core that she would be okay if she didn't have children. This brought comfort into her soul. And she conceived on her fifth and final IVF.

I tell ya, it totally helps to be working with someone who has been through it all.

Okay, so you are probably wondering where the title of today's post comes from...

During this appointment, the doctor talked to me briefly about preparing my body for the IVF, and she said "Don't let them put 3 embryos back. Maximum 2." I asked her why, and she explained that triplet conceptions increase the risk exponentially of children born with severe difficulties, like cerebral palsy. She said that it should be illegal for fertility clinics to put in more than 2, and that as an obstretician, she has seen a lot of IVF pregnancies where more than 2 were put back, resulting in some sad results.

Now, DH and I had always planned on asking for 3, as this is likely our one and only IVF that we can afford to do. And of course, there is never any guarantee that any of them will implant anyway!! So now what?

Does anyone out there have any experience or advice on this - two or three? I'd love to hear from ya!

Monday, March 24, 2008

Blessing in Disguise

Okay, I recant my earlier statements about my a matter of fact, I am grateful for the untimely arrival of AF two weeks ago...

Allow me to explain...

It turns out that what I thought was AF really wasn't - it was some sort of mid-cycle bleeding. After speaking with the fertility clinic (whose only words of wisdom were, "Don't worry. Maybe it's just excess endometrium sloughing off..."), I made an appointment to see my family physician. Now let me first say that I LOVE my family doctor; she is incredibly kind and thorough. Anyway, she sent me to get an HCG blood test done (on the off chance that I had gotten pregnant...and I hadn't...), then sent me to get an ultrasound done.

It was during said ultrasound that we discovered I have grown a uterine polyp!! This was causing the midcycle bleeding. And guess what? The presence of a uterine polyp makes IVF treatments highly unsuccessful, since it interferes with implantation. So now I am going to get the damn thing removed.

See what I mean? Thank God I started to bleed...

In other news, DH and I are getting ready to jet off to sunny Mexico for a much needed break from life - the daily stresses of work, home, and most definitely, infertility are starting to catch up with us. I cannot wait to hit the buffets and restaurants - love the fact that we are doing this. Did I happen to mention how much I love, love, love food? Okay, the sun and sand will be bonuses too...but mainly, it's the food that I am looking forward to. Of course, I must eat in moderation, since I anticipate bloating up like a blowfish this summer with the fertility treatments - don't want to unnecessarily add to the extra poundage. But one thing's for sure - I will definitely indulge in daily dishes of fresh coconut ice cream. Yum!

Aloha...oh, um, wait a minute. Not going to Hawaii. Hasta la vista, everyone! Mayan Riviera, here we come!!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


I hate my body. Not an "eating disorder, I want to look like a supermodel" kind of hate; it's more like a "what the hell is going on with it??" kind of hate. I have utterly and completely lost control of it.

You see, I used to be regular - what is it that they say? Like clockwork. Even when I was young and didn't quite understand how cycles work, I could always rely on being "seven days early" with my period (when I was a teen, I would simply look at the calender the day my period came, then subtract 7 from that exact number. That's the day that I knew my period would come the following month!! Later, as a woman trying to conceive, I developed the understanding that I had 23-24 day cycles.) But now, things are waaaay different...

My period came today. Yes, good old Aunt Flo. Cousin Tom ("Time of Month"). Imagine my surprise when I looked at my calender this morning and noticed that I am only on Day 17 of my cycle!!! WTH?!? Didn't I just ovulate a couple of days ago? Didn't my temperature just dip yesterday, then jump this morning? What the heck is going on?

Ever since I started fertility treatments, I just can't rely on the old body to stay on schedule anymore. I suspect that the clomid and progesterone I took for four months straight plays a major role in this. The hormones are so out of whack in my system that it doesn't quite know what to do!! Add to this the fact that I have had a very stressful week at work...and well...what do you get? An early surprise!

For one fleeting moment this morning, I was hoping that it was implantation spotting. Ah yes! The mythical implantation bleed. Google the term, and you get the same info on almost every site - it's supposed to be scant, pinkish, possibly brown. I had a hard time finding the part that described implantation bleeding using the words "bright red" and "full flow". maybe it's not...

Anyway, the fact remains that my system has checked out on me. Adios. Adieu. Can't wait to see what's going to happen next!

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Secret Shopper

Okay...I have a confession to make...

I bought a diaper bag yesterday. But not just any diaper bag!! The "OiOi" charcoal dot tote totally cute and trendy and so totally on sale for $69.99 (regular up to $130.00!) It's big and beautiful - with lime green lining and all of the fun little accessories. But oooooh, I wrestled with my decision. Called Big Sis, who said that perhaps I shouldn't buy it for fear of jinxing myself...then called Mum at work, but she wasn't available. I carried it around the entire store for fear that someone else would snatch it up...and then I decided:

I'm going to buy it because it will give me hope.

I really want to be hopeful about this whole IVF thing - I want to believe that it's going to happen for us. I am going to concentrate all of my energies on making sure I do everything possible to make my first IVF my only IVF.

I have wrapped it up and tucked it away in the closet of the room that we were hoping would be our nursery. In my heart, I know it will be there, waiting for me. In my heart, I will have hope.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Musings on a Wednesday...

So, I just got home from seeing "Juno" - and I was sooo looking forward to it, as everyone said it was a great flick! Turns out, they were right - but nobody warned me that it wasn't "infertility" friendly!! Let me explain...

For those of you who haven't seen or heard of it, "Juno" is a great little movie about a teenage pregnancy. It has some totally hilarious moments, but also some bits that really affected me. First of all, they showed the girl's positive hpt...and I thought to myself "Oh! That's what it looks like!" God knows I've never seen one before! One of the girls I was with (who is eight months pregnant) said "Ahhh! Brings back memories..." and I felt sad...

Secondly, the girl gets pregnant having sex in a chair. If I had known that would work, DH and I would've given our lazy-boy more of a workout!! Don't they always say that that is one of the worst positions you can be in if you want to conceive?

There is one scene where the teenager is complaining to the adoptive mother of her baby (played by Jennifer Garner) about being pregnant - and she says to her something like "You're lucky you're not the one pregnant." A look of sorrow passes quickly across Jennifer Garner's face, then just as quickly as it came, it disappeared. This made me cry - I totally felt her pain! I have had sooo many moments exactly like that in my life.

It was actually kinda hard to watch Jennifer's Garner's character play out on the screen...she seemed not to want to get too close to Juno or her baby...likely for fear that the adoption wouldn't go through. She seemed so guarded and I felt so sorry for her.

Gawd - can't I just enjoy a movie without all of these emotions? I'm pathetic.

I must say, I am in a total blue funk right now. It's hard to come to the realization that I can't have a baby the "regular way". I'm scared of the IVF. I'm scared of getting my hopes up. I'm scared it won't work. I'm scared DH and I will have to make some decisions if, at the end of the journey, we come home empty-handed...

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Relax! It will happen when you stop trying...

Isn't that what everyone says? Or - and here's my favourite - adopt and you'll get pregnant! I've heard it all...and that's why Dear Husband and I don't talk to anyone other than family about it anymore.

I was at a black-tie event on Saturday night and a very nice girl that I sat next to (mother of two) asked if DH and I were going to start a family. I told her, "Yes, we'd love to have kids, when the time is right..." and the lady sitting on the other side of me (also mother of two, bit of a nosey-parker) rubbed my shoulder and cooed "Oooooh, you'd be such a good mother..." But she had this look on her face - like she was consoling me or something. It was a look of total sympathy. And I felt myself welling up. Damn, I hate when that happens ( all goes back to my last post!! Hits you from nowhere!!)

Anyway, DH and I are "coasting" for these next couple of months, as we had to stop fertility treatments and get my body ready for I thought I would forgo the temping and the fertility monitor and just wing it for this cycle. But DH says to me last night, "When are you ovulating?" and I said "I dunno, maybe this weekend!" and he said "Aren't you tracking?" Hmmm...I thought we were supposed to coast this month! So much for relaxing...haha!

I have been doing more reading on IVF...and reading more great blogs from ladies who have been through it. Learning lots. There are a couple of books that I want to pick up too - I just want to make sure that I do everything that I can to make it a success, you know? I know that there are no guarantees, but it freaks me out to think that it might not happen the first go-round...I don't know if DH would want to do it more than once. And truth be told, I don't know if my heart can handle it...