Negative.

For all of you wonderful women out there who were sending along your positive thoughts and prayers, thank you.

But the fight was too hard for our little Nemo. We tested this morning with a negative result.

It's time to regroup - yet again.

Our Little Nemo

Remember the opening scene of Finding Nemo - when Coral and Marlin are revelling in their new home and their soon-to-be-born children, then the evil shark comes by and attacks it all? There is one tiny little egg left at the bottom of the ocean - and Marlin scoops him up and says "I'll never let anything happen to you..."

Well, we have our own little Nemo.

Yes, I know, I know - how corny can you get, right? But that is exactly how we feel about this little embie that is now (hopefully!) nuzzling in inside of me.

We did our transfer yesterday afternoon, and we were so anxious that we could hardly stand it. The clinic had said the day before that if something were to happen between Day 2 and Day 3, they would call us to cancel the transfer. So when the call didn't come yesterday, I let out a deep breath and prepared myself for our trip to the clinic.

First order of business - getting all showered and cleaned up without scented products. Embies and scents, apparently, are not a good mix. So no cologne and minimal deodorant for DH and no deodorants, perfumes, body lotions, etc. for me.

Secondly - a full bladder. My appointment was for 1:30 p.m., so my instructions were to empty my bladder at 12:30, then drink two or more glasses of water. Let me tell you - this was waaaay more difficult than having a scentless body. Normally, I have a pretty strong bladder - but the mere thought planted in my head that I was drinking all of that water and couldn't pee it out was making me anxious - thereby, exacerbating the "I have to go!!!!" feeling...

We checked in to the clinic right on schedule, and while I was sitting in the waiting room with DH, I was in immense pain. I hobbled over (literally - no exaggeration...) to the receptionist and begged her to ask the nurse if I could pee just a tiny bit. She told me to go immediately, I was able to make my way over the bathroom for some sweet relief.

When I got back out, DH had already been taken into the procedure room to get changed, so I joined him. After getting changed into a hospital gown (and DH into scrubs), and after some paperwork, we were ready to go - except for one small problem.

I could still barely sit, my bladder was hurting so badly.

The nurse noticed and told me my bladder shouldn't be full to bursting! She gave me a specimen cup to fill - instructions were to fill it twice - and then stop. I can't tell you what a relief it was that I was able to do that!!!

Okay - now on to the good stuff!

We entered the transfer room and the RE said "We've got an embryo needin' a home right now!" and the embryologist said "Yeah, and it's a big one!" I couldn't believe my ears. Big? What did she mean?

Apparently, our embie had been working hard all night long, and as of transfer, was at 12 cells. She brought over a black and white photo for us to keep, and I couldn't believe my eyes. There was our little Nemo - a cluster of cells. Very little fragmentation, and nice, round cells. I almost burst into tears. With all of our worries that this little guy wouldn't make it past Day 2, this was what we were presented with. It really was a miracle.

We got to watch on the ultrasound screen as they placed our embie into my uterus. It was magical, and a moment that I will never forget. DH was so moved that he started to tear up. He held my hand tightly, and at that moment I felt such a peace going through my body that I knew everything was going to be alright.

We asked the RE and embryologist some questions about the fact that our little guy was at 12 cells - is this a disadvantage? Is there much fragmentation? What grade would you give this embryo? For the most part, the answers satisfied us. Although 8 cell embryos are the ideal, this one still has potential (according to the RE). The embryologists said that there was a little bit of fragmentation, but that some had already been removed while they were doing the assisted hatching. She gave the embryo a Grade B - not perfect, but not bad, either.

The transfer was followed up with some rest, and then it was time to take Nemo home. We were so thankful and so happy - I think we floated on cloud nine for the rest of the day.

And so the wait begins...with our little Nemo.

We continue to pray and thank God everyday for this miracle and opportunity. We know that we're not out of the woods, yet, but we remain hopeful and optimistic. I have looked at the picture a million times already - wouldn't it be wonderful if the next picture of Nemo was an ultrasound one?

I really need to thank all of the wonderful girls out there that have supported me and continue to support me through all of this - I can't even begin to tell you how tremendous it has been to turn to you for advice and encouragement when things seem to be negative at every turn.

Please continue your prayers...

Two for Two

Day Two - and our little guy has divided into two cells!!!
God has blessed us and continues to answer our prayers...
Keep fighting, little one!

Rotten Eggs

Well, I survived the egg retrieval yesterday morning - and was actually rather impressed with the care and attention that I received from my RE and the nurses at the clinic. Beyond all, I was nervous about two things - the dreaded IV and the number of eggs they would be able to extract. My RE very kindly placed the IV into the crook of my arm (so it really wasn't any worse than having a blood test), but the whole egg situation did not go as smoothly...

Once the drugs started, I was definitely feeling loopy - but could still feel some pain. However, after I (very loudly) yelped in pain, the nurse upped the dose of pain meds and I was feeling fine. The RE emptied the first follicle, handed the embryologist the tube, and about thirty seconds later, the embryologist yelled back "I don't see anything." Alright; on to follicle #2 then. Once that got drained and sent back to the embryologist, it wasn't before long when she called out, "Nothing." Imagine my panic during this whole thing - there I was, completely doped up, spread-eagled on the operating table, and all I am hearing is that they aren't getting anything out of my follies!!!

At this point, the RE requested that the embryologist test the follicular fluid for traces of HCG - if there was no trace, then this would have been indicative that the eggs did not release from the follicle walls and therefore there was no point in going any further. About five minutes later, we determined that there was HCG in the fluid, so the RE pressed on...

We finally got an egg out of follicle #3, to which the lovely nurse next to me applauded and whispered "Yaaaaay!" in my ear. At this point, I was really out of it - and panicked. But when all was said and done, I discovered that they were able to get six eggs in total from my follies.

Whilst in the recovery room, the embryologist came by to give us the news - out of the six eggs, three were borderline mature, and three were flat-out immature. She explained that she would have to clean off the "accessory cells" in order to determine if my borderlines were indeed mature, and that they would do their best to ICSI the maximum number that they could.

I spent the night in a fair amount of pain, and in a fair amount of tears. And I did a lot of praying.

Bright and early this morning, the embryologist from the clinic called to deliver even more bad news - out of the six eggs, three were mature, but only one fertilized. And he told me that we are dealing with a very "serious egg issue..."

So many questions are racing through my mind. How could this be? Why did we not know that I have rotten eggs? I had worked so hard to grow my little eggies - and had done everything that I was expected to. How can this be fixed? Can this be fixed? And the ultimate question - Why me?

All we can do now is pray for our one little embryo - pray that he's a little fighter and that he'll make it to transfer. All I am asking for is this one chance to be a mom.

Just this one chance.

Trigger Happy

Well, folks - here I am, standing at the precipice of what will be one of the most important things that I will ever do in my life.

Sadly, since my last posting, I have not had any improvements in the number of follicles that we will be working with. I have six follicles, all ranging in size from 0.8 to 1.9 (as of yesterday morning). Two smaller ones have popped up, but are definitely not large enough to make the cut. I had one more night of stims, and am poised to "pull the trigger" (HCG shot) this evening at 10:00 p.m.

I am trying my very best to remain positive, hoping for at least 3 mature eggs that will fertilize. I have to admit, it hasn't helped for me to maniacally read various posts on internet forums from other women about the low numbers they have and their subsequent disappointments. I have been doing a lot of praying, and trying to do some positive meditations...I have been on the brink of tears a couple of times this week, but for the most part, I am managing to hang in there.

The RE that did my ultrasound yesterday said that it wouldn't be unreasonable to transfer three embies - all, of course, dependent upon the condition of the embies. Here's hoping that I actually have three to transfer!!

I'll post again post-retrieval, to let you know how I survived the procedure. Wish me luck, all!

Party Pooper

Every kid's biggest nightmare is that no one will show up at their party. The invitations are sent, the balloons are all shiny, the chips and pop are out on the table, ready to be devoured. But what if only a handful of children show up - not even half of what's expected? It's the stuff that therapy sessions are made of...

Well, welcome to my life.

Yes, I had the ultrasound today - and not even half of what I expected showed up for the festivities.

Today's ultrasound showed that I have a whopping SIX follicles. Now, for those of you that have been following our plight, you will know that in my last cycle, I only had FIVE follicles. Hence, the conversion to an IUI, which led to the BFN, which led to the BCP, which led to the S-I-X. As the nurse describes it, my ovaries obviously don't want this as badly as I do. They are acting like they are 50 years old. They are lazy. They've retired to Florida. No wonder they didn't show up to party.

DH and I were hoping for - expecting, really - at least eight to ten follicles. Given the fact that I am maxed out on meds right now, you'd think my ovaries would be traumatized into producing more follicles! But nope - not my ovaries. They are giving me the royal f-you. "Pump us full of drugs, eh? Well, we'll show you!!"

The RE tells me that there's hope - it's still early in the cycle, he tells me. There's a chance that more will come, he offers. Then he patted my foot gently and told me to hang in there. What choice do I have?

DH and I decided over the weekend that we are going to go for it this cycle - even if we ended up with the same number of follicles as last time. It only takes one. So I am going to continue my stims for as long as the RE tell us to, then we are going to close our eyes and go on a wing and a prayer.

It only takes one. Just one.

Dear Follicles...

Dear Follicles,

We haven't actually met, but as I understand it, you've been around for some time now. 37 years, to be exact. I hope that you have all been good and that you have been keeping each other company.

The reason that I am writing is that I need a big favour. You see, we are trying to encourage as many of you as possible to grow healthy eggs, because we are trying to make a baby (or two!) And yes - we are trying to lure you out with various cocktails and "party favours". We hope that you have enjoyed them; what's a party without a few treats, right? And there's a lot more where that came from, so indulge.

You should probably know that once you are nice and "fat" and "juicy", we'll be draining you and taking out the little eggies that we hope you grow. But please don't worry - it'll be for such a worthwhile cause. Those eggies will get to do some business travel - and this is where the fun really begins! Your eggies will get to meet some really fun guys called spermies! And if we're lucky, each one of your eggies will like a spermie enough to join forces and create a baby! That is the ultimate goal. Won't you be proud that you were part of something that great?

So please, please, Follicles - enjoy the party that we are throwing in my ovaries right now. And encourage those wallflowers to join in on the fun - the more, the merrier!! We'd love to see as many of you as possible at my next ultrasound!

Looking forward to seeing you soon,

Sincerely,
Springroll

Tabula Rasa

I have Blogger's Block. Yep - after so many months of so much to say, today, I've got nuttin'. I suppose I could give The Update...but even at that, there isn't much to report!

I've been off birth control pills for three days, and started my microdose Suprefact injections this morning. I never thought I could fire up a syringe with one eye closed and one sleepy eye open, but I did it! These needles are teeny, and my threshold for pain has increased, so they aren't a big deal at all! Good thing I am becoming so very used to needles - I'll be seeing a lot of them this cycle!

I'm also waiting for AF to make her appearance so that I can start stims - imagine, so many months of wishing she wouldn't come, and here I am tonight, eager for her to arrive! That, combined with the fact that I was on The Pill this cycle, makes me giggle. Ahhh - what my life has become!

I did receive the very best news this past week - a new friend of mine has just received her first ever positive pregnancy test after completing her first frozen embryo transplant! We met at Starbucks today to celebrate and chat - and I couldn't be more happy for her. After all of the ups and downs, hope and heartache, she and her husband are now going to be blessed with one - possibly two! - little babies to love. And I know that she'll make the best mom ever!

Musings on a Sunday...

Well, Day 10 of my birth control pills, and I can only assume that all's quiet on the ovarian front. DH and I joke all of the time about the fact that we're on The Pill now - phew! Now we can have sex without worrying that we'll get pregnant - boy does that take the pressure off! Just for fun, we should use a condom, too...

Not much to report right now, other than the fact that I had a lovely dinner with two girlfriends on Friday (Indian...boy, do I love butter chicken...) and I confessed to them that DH and I have been seeing a fertility specialist. For those of you that know me and that have been following our plight, you'll know that this is a big thing for me. Up until now, DH and I have never told anyone other than family what we are dealing with. But it sure has been lonely doing it that way. These girls have been worrying for me for the past two years, and have been wondering why we haven't "gotten in" to see the fertility specialist yet. I finally broke down and told them that we have actually been seeing them for a year and a half...and that we've had four unsuccessful IUIs. I stopped short at telling them that we're trying IVF - I guess I just wanted that to be private for now, until we know the outcome. But it sure did feel like a weight off my shoulders.

By the by - where is everybody? One of my favourite things to do when I log on to my little blog is to read the messages that my dear "cyber-friends" leave me! It lets me get caught up a bit and feel like I am not alone out there. Lately, I haven't heard from anyone - so I'm giving a shout out to you girls - hope you are all doing well and hope to hear from you soon!!

The Girl's Got Flare...

Yes, I have been a terrible blogger. I've logged on a few times in the past week and a half, but couldn't quite figure out what to write. This would be because not much has been happening in the Springroll World. DH is away on yet another business trip, and I have been cleaning and tidying around the house like mad - it's odd. I'm most productive when he's not around. I suppose it's something I subconsciously do to keep myself from missing him...

Despite my fleeting hope that perhaps I had conceived naturally this month (...hahahahahaha...that's a good one...), my period arrived today. But fear not, I told myself - real hope is just around the corner! In four days, I start taking birth control pills in preparation for my next BIG thing - my second IVF cycle, a la Flare Protocol.

For those that aren't in the know, Flare Protocols are shorter and much more aggressive than most other protocols. It's typically used on women who are poor responders to stims, and will hopefully increase the number of follicles/eggies that I produce. Being the lucky girl I am, I actually get the pleasure of injecting myself with three medications this time around instead of two, as in my last cycle. And I start off with the heaviest dosage of stims right from the get-go. But let's be frank - I'm willing to do anything if it means having a baby in the end.

Lately, I've been thinking about all of the girls that I know who have had unsuccessful cycles, and it scares the shit out of me. But a good "cyber-friend" of mine, who is about to undergo an FET in the next two weeks, has said that she has a really, really good feeling about this - for the both of us. Her hope buoys me - she is a blessing to me right now, because she is giving me the strength that I need to believe that this can happen. Now there's a girl with flare...

I Will Be a Wonderful Mother...

I came across this on one of the many boards that I read and post on. It was posted by one of the many wonderful women who share in my heartache. It meant so much to me that I thought I would post it here as well - so that in times of sorrow, I might read it again.

I Will Be a Wonderful Mother - Author Unknown

There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

This Isn't Fun At All...

DH and I have pregnant friends. They are due in January. They were married exactly one week before we were, they tried for 4 months to get pregnant, and they are happily expecting. They were everything that we aren't - they smoked, they drank, they dabbled in drugs, and they partied - a lot. But they are also almost ten years younger than we are, and both had had previous experience with teenage pregnancies (he caused one, she had one). So they at least knew that they could get pregnant. And they showed up on our doorstep on Monday night for a visit.

So I sat and listened as they talked about feeling the baby move. I watched his face as he talked about what he has learned in pre-natal class. I smiled at her politely as she talked about her lack of morning sickness. I nodded with interest as they talked about their hunt for a midwife. I cooed with feigned excitement at their choice of baby names.

But deep, deep down inside, I ached and ached...

Then he announced that they were having a 50/50 baby pool. Yes, correctly guess the baby's birth date and you could take home half of the money they raised (the other half was going toward the baby...) Would we like to play? Of course, DH excitedly said, as he plunked down a twenty. And we waited for our friends to e-mail us the grid of dates to choose from.

DH and I sat down tonight to pick dates. And I guess I asked him one too many stupid questions, because he got irritated with me and exclaimed "Geez, just pick a date!" Then I got annoyed with him and snapped "Forget it, just pick it for me!" to which he replied "Why are you so moody? This is supposed to be fun..."

Doesn't he get it? This isn't fun at all.

It's not fun for me to pick someone else's due date, when I don't even know if I'll ever have my own. It's not fun for me to be looked at with a pitying gaze and then have to hear "We hope it happens for you guys, too." It's not fun for me to think about someone else having it so easy. It's not fun for me to be reminded of something that I want so badly, but don't know if I'll ever have...

Right now, life is just not fun at all.

I'm Not Used to Failing Tests.

In fact, I was an honour roll student for most of my schooling years. The lowest mark I ever got was a C+ (university Spanish - que pasa?). I was a teacher's pet. So why, can somebody explain to me, have I consistently failed pregnancy tests?!? What is it about the discipline of conception that continues to challenge me? Why am I the class failure when it comes to getting knocked up?!?

Yes, I took a home pregnancy test on Monday morning (14 dpiui) and it came back negative. I spent most of the day crying and obsessing about what I could have done wrong. It certainly looked good on paper, didn't it - 5 follicles, probably just as many eggies, and more than 8 million spermies swimming to meet them. What was it about the sperm that my eggs didn't like? Was it the hair? The cars they were driving? Bad pick-up line? Something must have turned them off, because none of them were willing to let a spermie penetrate. So here I am today - a failure at the pregnancy game, now with cramping and some spotting to boot.

I just don't know how much more I can take. I spent a period of time yesterday in paranoic fear that if the IUI didn't work, then perhaps an IVF won't either. What then? Could I accept a life without biological children? What had I done to deserve this and what can I do to make things right?

Then I spent a period of time berating myself for the self-pity party. I know that there are other brave, strong ladies out there that have had it much worse. But it doesn't make my pain any better. It just really, really hurts to know that yet another attempt has failed. I want to be a mom so bad - when will all of the studying that I have done pay off?

We're Almost There...

...and I'm getting scared.

Every night since the IUI, I have lain in bed and had a conversation with God. Then I breathe deeply, relaxing myself. Then I fall asleep. In the morning, before I get out of bed, I rub my tummy gently and say to myself, "Good morning, babies". And then I begin my day.

I do all of these things in hopes that I am bringing some positive energy to my situation. I have done so much reading about the influence that a positive frame of mind can have on a fertility treatment outcome. I want my system to be stress free. I want any embies that are inside of me to feel welcome. I want that positive energy to result in a positive test.

And now, here I am at 11dpiui - and I am scared.

DH and I have decided that we are going to take an hpt on Sunday morning - 13 dpiui. With our previous IUIs, we waited until the beta results from the clinic - and I always heard the bad news from the nurses. This time, I have decided that I want us to be the first ones to know. Good or bad, I wanted DH and I to be together. To be there for each other. To hold each other. To laugh or to cry.

I can't really say that I have any indication whatsoever what the outcome might be. I am dismissing all of the changes that my body is going through as being progesterone-induced and I am trying so very hard not to cloud my mind either way with false hopes or self-defeating thoughts. All I can do is wait another couple of days, and then go from there.

It's funny, isn't it, how such a little stick can yield such power...

Etc.

Well, 4dpiui.

I can't believe how bloated I am with this IUI. I was bloated before, but I swear, this time around I look like I'm about 4 months pregnant - and I'm starting to get incredibly self-conscious about it. See, I'm normally under 110 lbs, so any belly on me really protrudes. But I'm not self-conscious from a shallow, vain aspect. I'm self-conscious because I don't want my colleagues thinking that I am pregnant. DH finds this hard to understand. When I told him that I didn't want people thinking I was pregnant, his response was "Who cares?" But he doesn't get it - see, if I actually was pregnant, it would be kinda neat. It would feel a bit exhilarating and conspiratorial. I would have a happy little secret. However, I am not pregnant (yet/that I know of) so having people think that I am and then subsequently gossiping about me is not fun. It's just a painful reminder, that's all.

Sigh. Anyway, despite the fact that DH reminded me on Tuesday not to get my hopes up too high (in order to avoid later devastation/disappointment), he has been talking to "the girls" (eggies) in my belly, asking them if they are having fun with "the boys" (spermies). It's rather cute that he calls them that. He asks my tummy "Are you partying in there?" and then he rubs my belly affectionately. Tonight, he kissed my tummy and said "Hi girls, hope you're having fun in there..." and then later on he rubbed my belly and said "Oh honey, I hope you're pregnant." His behaviour, while being rather sweet, is beginning to freak me out. What if this didn't work?!? What then?

Okay, I don't want to think that way. I only want to think happy implantation thoughts. I have been doing some short meditations and visualizing little embryos burrowing into a nice, thick lining. The power of positive thinking, right?

I felt nauseous - really nauseous - for about half an hour tonight. But I am chalking that up to overeating my DH's fabulous spaghetti during dinner. It's far too early to be getting morning sickness, but I sure felt gross. Hope that's not what morning sickness is like - but I have a sneaking suspicion that it is.

A special message for my special friend Zabe (Liz) - hang in there, sweetie. You are so right - out of our original "gang', it's just you and me now. We're gonna make it. And soon, we'll be blogging about sleepless nights, feeding schedules, and colic. We'll be sharing tips on homemade baby food and naptimes. Keep the faith - we'll get there.

Tales of an Internet Addict

Okay, so I have literally spent the last three days combing the world wide web, looking for articles and postings on successful gonal-f/iui cycles. My eyes are crossed. Can other gals dealing with IF relate to this? The unyielding need to know every single thing there is to know about a condition/drug/procedure? How many google terms can you possibly come up with about one topic? How many ways can you say "IUI with injectables success"? And does it matter that some of the posts you read are from 2001? That the women who wrote them have likely gone on to have children (it has, after all, been 7 years...) That these women didn't necessarily know as much as you do on the subject, since you've spent a kajillion hours on the internet? It's crazy. But I need to be comforted. It cheers me up to hear women write about how thrilled they are that they are pregnant from their most recent gonal-f/iui cycle. It gives me hope. Maybe, just maybe, this is it.

I had my IUI this morning - I think it went well. I asked the nurse (Cheryl, totally nice) to read my follicle measurements to me again (this, of course, was due to all of the internet articles I had read on what constitutes a "mature follicle" and my insatiable need to guess how many of my follies would release an eggie...) Two on the right (1.6, 1.8) and three on the left (1.55, 1.7, 1.8). She thought that the three larger ones would release for sure, and that the little ones would likely release, but may not fertilize due to size. Fair enough. I just want one. That's all I'm asking for. One little spermie to drill his way into the eggie and make us a baby. And then for that little baby to stick.

I spent about half an hour laying on the exam table afterwards, breathing deeply, meditating and praying. Asking God for His mercy and His blessing. Asking Him for this miracle.

I like the way that my "cyber-friend", Danielle (DesignerBug) refers to my babies who are waiting to be born - "baby angels". I know that they are in heaven, waiting for God to send them down to us. Waiting to join us, and to be loved. I'm ready. I'm waiting too, Babies. All you have to do is come...

Fabulous Friday...

Okay, the title of this post sounds a little happier and a bit more optimistic than the last post, doesn't it? Here's why -

Following my sad news on Monday, I decided that I would throw caution to the wind and see my old acupuncturist again for a good old poking session. So I headed there Tuesday evening with great determination, sat down with her and explained my situation to her at length, then hopped up on the old table for my treatment. She went all out for me that night - not only did she put in the needles, but she also hooked me up to electro-stimulators and turned a heat lamp on my kidneys. Turns out that the kidneys have a direct impact/link to the ovaries, so warming them up was supposed to have a positive effect on blood flow and follicle growth. The electro-stimming was kinda cool - I could feel the small pulsating on my back as the machine sent charges through my system.

Well - it all worked like a charm. Yesterday's ultrasound yielded more favourable numbers - ranging from 1.2 to 1.8! It may just be me, but that seems to be pretty significant growth for those follies!! We aren't working with any more follicles, but the ones that I have are certainly doing well. I was so relieved.

We had the pleasure of getting our ultrasound conducted by the Director of our clinic - great, great man. Gentle, funny and so encouraging. He asked me whether or not I had talked with my ovaries about "smartening up", which made me giggle. He seems to know how to add levity to a tense situation. He did admit that five follicles was a bit low for what they like to see in an IVF cycle, and I broached the subject of converting to an IUI. He then admitted that five was a little "generous" for an IUI, as there is the fear that four or five eggs would release and we would end up with quads...(that sounds heavenly to me right about now, but I am only being facetious...I know that that would be totally dangerous for all involved...)

DH and I are still hoping for the IUI - we know that we don't want to do the IVF cycle with such a small number of follies, and I don't want these last two months to be all for naught. We are keeping fingers crossed. My next u/s is tomorrow morning, and that is when we will be making our final decision as well.

I want to give a special thanks to my lovely IF friends who leave me messages on my posts - your encouragement and inspiration mean the world to me. It makes such a difference to hear from ladies who have been there and know exactly what it's like to deal with infertility...please know that I think about all of you and include you in my prayers.

What is it about Mondays?

They always seem to suck.

Not only does one have to haul oneself up and out of bed early to get to work, but many of us meet with bad news on Mondays, too.

Like me, for instance.

I had my Day 7 ultrasound and bloodwork this morning, and the news is not good at all. I was so excited up until the va-jay-jay-cam worked its way inside....due to my newfound optimism, I was actually expecting to hear that I was producing follies into the double-digits, and that I was right on target for the world's most successful IVF.

"Hmmm.." murmured the RE, "There's two on the right side..." (whisper, whisper, whisper), "...and three on the left..." (whisper, whisper, whisper...)

I lay there, shocked. The RE then read out some measurements to the nurse, removed the va-jay-jay-cam, and proceeded to tell me the very news that I was petrified to hear...

I only have five follicles, all of which are slightly smaller than what would be expected at this stage of stims (ranging from 0.6 to 0.9). In other words, I'm not really responding that well to the meds.

I basically have three choices:

1. Abandon ship and call it a day (thereby wasting all of the drugs that I have pumped into my system - not to mention the stress, anxiety and tears...)
2. Convert my cycle to an IUI, and hope for the best.
3. Pray that these eggs actually continue to grow, then proceed with egg retrieval and IVF.

After the requisite crying (whilst lying on the examining table, naked from the waist down, draped in a sheet), I gathered my wits about me, got dressed, then met with a nurse to discuss these options. She was so wonderful - she comforted me, gave me plenty of information, listened to me, answered all of my questions. Clinic nurses don't come better than this one.

After writing down all of the info, I called DH from my cell (on the way back to work) and shared my sorrow with him. We weighed everything out - and we've decided to convert to an IUI. We're going on the hope that our chances with this IUI might be higher than previous ones, given the number of eggs that may release. We also didn't want to waste all of the drugs that I have taken thus far. And interestingly, it will be cheaper for us to convert to IUI than for us to cancel the cycle altogether.

I am trying so hard to not let this get me down. When I got home this afternoon, DH hugged me tight and told me to keep my chin up. He told me that we just need to keep our eye on the ball, and that if we want children we need to persevere.

Why does every single thing have to be so hard for us? We just can't seem to catch a break. Just when we were beginning to believe - truly believe - that our dream of having a baby was within reach, the rug gets pulled out from underneath us....it just seems so unfair.

As I sat in the waiting room this morning (following my u/s) waiting for my medication, I reminded myself that God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle. That everything happens for a reason. That this will make me stronger. That this too, shall pass.

Sigh.

NFL Season Has Started!

So that makes me a football widow.

Yes, my husband LOVES the NFL. As a matter of fact, he is downstairs right now watching the game with a buddy of his, wearing his beloved Steelers jersey and hootin' and hollerin' each time there's a good play.

I don't mind because it leaves me quiet time to do my own things - like get caught up with this blog of mine!!

Here's the update - I'm on Day 6 of stimming and I am getting pretty good at self-administering the shots, if I do say so myself. I was super nervous on the first day, as there was mixing and measuring involved with the drugs, but DH helped me out and in the end it was all good. I have little needle "tracks" on my belly, and some bruising, but otherwise, I am getting used to the little poke. Icing my belly beforehand helps tremendously, as does pinching my belly while I insert the needle.

I had a minor setback on Friday, when (following Day 4 bloodwork) the clinic called to say that my hormone levels were a little low and they had to increase my Gonal F dosage to 450. This made me really worry - basically, it meant that it didn't seem my ovaries were responding to the meds and they had to kick it up a notch. I guess I'm still worried that I'm not producing any eggs, but I suppose there's no point in worrying. I have more bloodwork and another ultrasound tomorrow, so they'll be able to tell then what is going on...

I had a great revelation last night - and that is, I know that I can do this. I know that I am strong enough, and I'm not scared anymore. I will become pregnant. This will have a happy outcome.

Bad Girl!

Okay, I have been totally neglectful lately about this blog - I find that the days are zooming by and I can hardly catch my breath! After returning home from Hawaii, not one week passed by before I was getting ready to zip off to Vegas! Yes - I was in Sin City with my sister and my parents! My sister and I thought it would be fun to go there with my parents for their anniversary...so we left the hubbies at home (and she left her kiddies) and we spent a couple of crazy nights in the city of indulgence!

A good time was had by all - the weather was hot, the food was fantastic and the shopping was superb. My mom was very good at reminding me when it was time for my Suprefact, and because of her I was on time with my dosages every day (of course, now that my mom isn't around, I've been late a few times! Argh!) The trip reminded me of how special my family is - I love them so much. They have been so supportive through this whole IF thing - which has been so important to me, since DH and I haven't really told any of our friends about it. I am lucky to have them.

Update on the IVF cycle - okay, I am slightly worried about being late for the sniffing. It's happened a few times, and each time I freak out. Will it affect my cycle? Have I screwed up my chances? What if I'm not suppressed enough? I guess only time will tell - I'm going for my baseline ultrasound on Tuesday morning, and hope to get the green light for stims.

I have been debating back and forth over whether or not to return to acupuncture. The latest reports indicate that there is no conclusive evidence that acupuncture is helpful in an IVF cycle (read article here). I definitely know that it aids in relaxation, and I think that that definitely benefits implantation. But I tried acupuncture a year ago and it did not yield the results I had hoped for. Should I still believe in it and give it a try? I am so torn.

What do you think?

Sniff, Sniff...

Well, today was the first day of my Suprefact nasal spray applications, and let me tell you, it's not as bad I thought it might be. My one big challenge will be to actually remember to do it!! It has to be administered five times a day, every four hours. I must confess, I almost missed one dose this afternoon, as I was busy tip-tapping away on my laptop and totally lost track of time. But I recovered, and here I sit - a girl having gotten through her first day of sniffing!

This is a huge milestone for me. It feels real now. I have a feeling that time is going to fly by, and before we know it, it'll be time to make our little baby. I can't wait.

I told my boss yesterday. He was really great about it - I was so worried to let him know, because it does not look that good for me to be taking more time off work, especially at the beginning of the school year! But he was completely understanding and supportive and he knows how important having a child is to me. I am so grateful that that talk went smoothly.

I am one great, big, huge bag of mixed feelings right now. Though I normally don't have problems expressing myself (especially in writing!) I am having an enormous time articulating how I feel inside. Anxious. Scared. Excited. Thrilled. I am trying to maintain positivity, and I keep repeating to myself "We are going to get pregnant. We are going to get pregnant." Mind over matter, right?

One Tired Little Wahini...

Aloha!

Yes, at the very last minute, DH and I decided "...to hell with putting our lives on hold..." and we booked a trip to Honolulu, Hawaii. We left on the 3rd of August and just arrived home this afternoon, safe, sound and very, very tired.

We stayed at the lovely Hilton Prince Kuhio, which was one block away from the beach and from Kalakaua Avenue, where the "action" is in Waikiki. It was so much fun. Neither of us had been to Hawaii before, so we didn't know what to expect. We spent a couple of days exploring Waikiki (but found it awfully crowded!), did some shopping, then drove up the East coast of the island on one day, the North Shore another. When you get away from the city, it's absolute paradise - we were so relaxed. It was exactly what the doctor ordered.

Speaking of doctors, looks like I'll be seeing mine soon for the old embryo transplant. That's right - I finally got called off the IVF waiting list this month!! We got the call while we were in Hawaii and we were totally happy. However, we are also really nervous. DH is more nervous than I am - mostly about what would happen if this cycle doesn't work. Would we try again? Can we afford it? Maybe we'll have some "snow babies" we could transfer at a later date? How long would we have to wait? There are so many questions going through our minds, not unlike every other couple that has had to cross this road. However, I have to keep having faith that this is what God has planned for us and that He will help us along this journey...

So I start "sniffin" the old Suprefact on Friday (down-regulation), then start stims the first week of September. They have tentatively scheduled me for a September 15th egg retrieval (yes, Easter comes in September, too! Time to go hunting for eggs!) and September 18th for embryo transfer. Our second anniversary is on September 16th, so I hope that God has a little anniversary gift planned for us...

P.S. That's me on the onesie. Ha! Actually, I found this pic from Gwen Stefani's infant Harajuku line, and thought it was a cute representation of the Hawaiian "babymoon" that DH and I just took - our last holiday alone together (hopefully!) before our precious baby joins our family.

How Lucky Can a Girl Get?

I am currently reading a book called "Nurturing Yourself Through IVF", which has been great, since it talks about all of the things that one can do spiritually, wholistically, and emotionally to increase the likelihood of a positive IVF result. I am on the chapter which talks about the power of positive thinking - hence the title of this entry. Do you want to know how lucky I am right now?

I am sick. Yes, have had a cold now for a week. (Caution: physically explicit description on the horizon...) Coughing, sneezing, lotsa phlegm. I caught this cold from DH, who only had a mild form of it for THREE days, while I am working on Day EIGHT. And just yesterday, I was lucky enough to have been diagnosed with conjunctivitis ("pink eye") in both of my eyes. Yes, I am a walking time-bomb. My immune system is completely shot and I feel and look like crap.

We were supposed to go camping this weekend with friends, which I was actually looking forward to. However, given my illness and my desire NOT to pass on the pink eye to my husband, I skipped the trip and sent my husband along anyway. So I am alone this weekend, hacking away, and feeling sorry for myself.

But think positively, right?

Boy, I love being sick!! Reminds me that I'm alive!

P.S. I am 10 dpo, with no sign of pregnancy. Darn it. I don't even have sore boobs this month, which I always have! Now I'm just waitin' for good old AF to arrive so that I can get this IVF party started...

P.P.S. All I've done this morning is clean the goop out of my eyes, blow my nose, write this entry and watch music videos. Can't believe that the New Kids on the Block are still "hangin' tough" (haha!) They look old. But wait a minute, if they look old, then how do I look?!?

Dreams Really Do Come True...

Sending out a great, big, congratulatory hug today to my "cyber-friend" CJDR, who has just received multiple BFPs on her hpts after her third IUI!! What a blessing this is for her and her husband - I know that she was beginning to feel defeated and so terribly discouraged. After an almost three year struggle, she is finally experiencing the happiness she deserves and her situation has helped to reinforce for me that dreams really do come true...

I find it so much easier to be happy for girls who find out they're pregnant after struggling with infertility. Is that an unbelievably crass, mean thing to say? I'm sorry if it is. It's just that for many of the girls that I have interacted with in these last two years who have become pregnant (and believe me, there were a TON...fourteen, to be exact...) the vast majority of them didn't need to try for more than 6 months, and a couple of them even got pregnant by accident! These are girls that can't relate to the struggle of a woman who has been trying for years. These are girls that give advice like "Relax and it will happen!" These are girls that don't know the heartache that I have felt time and time again.

But women who have faced the sorrow and despair of infertility know how precious that positive result is. These are women who have lived through the tests, the drugs and the injections. These are women who can truly relate to what I am going through, and whose advice I can accept because for them, it has been just as hard.

So when these women get pregnant, I shed tears - of joy, not of jealously or heartache.

CJ - I'm shedding some tears for you this morning. God bless you, your husband, and this tiny miracle you have finally been given.

It can only get better from here...

So. No call. Well, actually, there was a call, but it was from me to them. After waiting the requisite 7-10 days and not hearing from my clinic, I decided to give them a call to find out what the heck was going on. And the nurse that I talked to said (with what seemed at the time to be contrived sympathy) "Oh, looks like you missed it this month by three people..."

What?!? Get the f**k out of here!! What do you mean I missed it by three people?!?

Contrary to what the nurse told me last month, I wasn't close enough to the top to be offered treatment this cycle. So now I have to wait yet again. Does the waiting ever end when one has infertility? From my perspective, the answer's a big, fat NO.

So now I am in limbo for the rest of the summer. DH and I were going to plan a big trip; the initial disappointment was replaced with excitement when my hubbie reminded me that now we were free to travel somewhere exotic for the rest of the month. But then reality set in - I have to call in my next cycle (which, the nurse du jour tells me, will be IT - the cycle that I am guaranteed treatment...), then wait for a call back, then go pick up drugs, and then start my suppression. How can I do all of that from Tokyo or Bangkok? It's just not possible.

Having to put your life on hold like this really sucks. Now, I recognize that I am a total control freak, which adds to the frustration. But DH and I have had to deal with so many ups and downs for what seems like a lifetime - it just doesn't seem fair that we have to wait yet another month for our miracle to happen.

A great little gal from the boards over at IVF.ca (who just had her ER, successfully!) encouraged me by telling me - the juice is worth the squeeze. This will have to become my mantra.

After all, it can only get better from here, right?

Update...

Woke up to a little surprise this morning...

Back to Day 1...

Called in to the period hotline - keeping fingers crossed that this is it!!

It's a Mystery

So, I am one of the most faithful basal body temperature takers you will ever come across in your life. For the last two years, I have lived and died by the temperature that I take first thing in the morning. Yes, every morning, between 6:15 and 6:30, my alarm clock sounds and I roll over to pop my little pink thermometer into my mouth. In fact, I can do it with my eyes closed. I have memorized days worth of temps to record on my chart, and these charts have helped me to anticipate everything that my body has thrown my way.

Except for this month.

You see, each month my temperature usually rises to a crescendo, then ten days after ovulation, my temperature takes a dip and I start spotting on that day. Now, every once in a while, the temp drops nine days after ovu, or I don't spot until eleven days after ovu. But still, I know that each time my temp dips, good old af is on her way.

Well, here I am at twelve days post-ovulation, and nothin'. Not a damn thing.

Now here's the mystery:

My temp started dropping two days ago, then dropped again yesterday. But today, it went back up again slightly. And no period. Odd, isn't it?

Now, had this been about a year and a half ago, my heart would be racing and I would be eagerly peeing on an hpt. But not now. Nope. I've seen too many negatives on an hpt to even bother with one anymore. In fact, DH asked tonight if we should take the test, and I told him no. "We've seen our share of negative test results, dear! If my period doesn't come, then let's consider ourselves pregnant, shall we?" I said to him.

I guess only time will tell. Tomorrow morning, I will turn over and pop my thermometer into my mouth again and see what it says. And maybe it will provide me with a clue to this mystery. Or perhaps af will arrive to solve it.

The Call

Well, I never got it. It seems that although I am close to the top of "the list", I am not close enough to be called up for The Big Event. Those of you who know me will know how disappointing this turn of events is for me - had I been called this month to start my IVF cycle, I would be looking at a retrieval and transfer in late July. As it stands now, it looks like I'll be cycling next month, which means a late August retrieval and transfer - right smack dab in the middle of the first week of school.

Now, as a principal, I am going to have a damn hard time begging off the first week of school. What do I tell my boss? Um, excuse me, sir, I have just had a month and a half off of work, but can I please take another week? Oh, that'll look good.

Of course, I could come clean with my boss on what's happening. But I'm still not all that comfortable talking about this to anyone outside of my own family. I have this teeny, deeply seeded fear that it may not work, and I don't exactly want people to be holding their breaths waiting for me to announce that I am pregnant!!

The bright side of it all is that DH and I could possibly go on a romantic trip now...which we had been postponing because we thought we'd be cycling in early July. Booking a trip now would cost an arm and a leg...but wouldn't it be worth it? I need to get away; the stress of year end at work and this whole IF thing is about to kill me.

And while we're on the subject of year end, today was the last day of school!!! Yipppeee!! I have grand plans of doing some gardening and puttering around the house. Man, I love summer.

Geez...what an entry. Filled with completely mundane and random thoughts. But my brain is fried right now and I cannot for the life of me come up with something cohesive and witty.

Perhaps it's time for me to snuggle into bed and watch a little So You Think You Can Dance?

P.S. I'm in the tww again...turns out last month wasn't the last ditch effort month. Since finding out we weren't cycling this month, we tried reeeeeeally hard again. I'm keeping my fingers crossed...

I am so lucky...

My heart goes out to Duck tonight, as my very worst fears are being lived by her right this minute. I stumbled upon her blog a few months back, and being a fellow Canadian, I followed her story and hoped for the best for her. Then, earlier today while I was reading the postings on the ivf.ca boards, I came across an entry by a lady who received the terrible news from her RE today that she will likely never have children. But to add to the sadness, her husband has told her that he does not want to be with her because she cannot give him biological children. This painful entry was written by a lady named Duck. I put two and two together and visited her blog, and my heart broke for her...

For every woman that struggles with infertility, this is a fear that adds to the suffering. I know that I have also worried that my DH will love me less if we aren't able to have a biological family. In fact, one evening while on a long walk, I asked him, "Honey, will you stop loving me if we can't have children?" He told me not to be ridiculous - that he married me, and not an unborn child. That he will love me always. And this made me feel a hundred times better. But each time AF arrives and I have to tell him, my heart breaks a little bit more when I see the disappointment on his face.

My husband has been terrific through our whole battle with infertility. He has held me tight when my spirit has broken. He has wiped away tears and whispered softly, "It's alright." He has told me that it will happen. That soon, we will have our babies. That one day, he will coach our son in hockey, or dance with our little girl. He has checked my fertility monitor and consulted calendars, all in the name of ovulation. He has told me how beautiful I am, even when the fertility drugs blew me up like a balloon. He has gone faithfully with me to most of my appointments, asking all the right questions, and absorbing all of the answers. He has held my hand firmly in his for the past year and half. And for that, I am so grateful and I thank God that I have him.

I Love It...

So today's celebrity headline on the 'net proclaims: "Angelina Jolie has revealed that she can be a strict parent who rewards her kids for good behavior." Oh my God!!! This is late breaking news!!! Can it be?!? A woman actually rewarding her kids for good behaviour?!? And (gasp!) being strict?!? Say it isn't so!!

It just cracks me up that normal, everyday occurences can be magnified and sensationalized a million times over just because they involve celebrities. If I had to create headlines about myself, I think they would say:

"Springroll checks ovulation - pees on stick!"

Or:

"Another negative hpt - Springroll and Husband regroup"

Or possibly:

"A devastated Springroll deals with infertility"

Or hopefully:

"An ecstatic Springroll discovers she's pregnant!"

And I would wear large, mysterious sunglasses in all of the photos, with my long hair loose and flowing. Perhaps I would pose with one or two toddlers of multicultural descent, and wear a long, trendy caftan dress to hide the bump that may or may not be there...

Oh yeah. That's got front page of People Magazine written aaaalll over it...

Last Ditch Effort

Well, we made the old last ditch effort this past week to get pg on our own before we embrace IVF in all its glory...

I ovulated completely early this month - day 9 of my cycle, if you can believe it! Good timing too, as DH had just come back from his business trip (I would have been screwed if it was any earlier...pardon the pun! Ha!) So we did the deed and now we have nothing to do but sit and wait - again!!

Of course, I was wondering if our clinic was going to call us this month to tell us it was "our time" - but no call. I telephoned them to find out where we were on the waiting list, and it turns out we were #28. The nurse figures next month will likely be our month, but it all depends on when all of the girls ahead of me get their period. Seriously, it's like buying a raffle ticket and holding my breath to see if mine gets drawn! However, getting your ticket drawn is a little more painful than a car or a trip for two to Hawaii. In the end, though, the ultimate prize - a baby - is much, much more priceless.

Hmmm...what am I going to rant about today? Could it be the world's worst kept secret - Ashley Simpson's pregnancy??? I don't understand their need to be coy about it all - just give up the goods, for Pete's sake. I tell ya, the day I find out I'm pg, I think I might just jump from rooftop to rooftop, shouting it out at the top of my lungs. Of course, this is just because of the long journey it will have taken to get there; I know that many women do want to wait to announce it, just to be on the safe side. I respect that, too. But puhlease...totally different with Ashley Simpson. I think that it was all drawn out to get more attention - after all, her career isn't exactly taking off like a rocket. Anything for more press, right?

Okay, enough of that. Maybe I'm just tired of hearing about all of these celebrity babies! But like everyone else, I guess they are totally entitled to their moments of mommy-to-be glory...

It's My Party...

...and I'll cry if I want to.

Well, okay, there was no real party. But DH is out of town on business and last night, I thought I'd indulge myself in a little pity-party. You know the kind - sitting around, feeling sorry for oneself, bawling your eyes out. This month has been hard, but only because I think I had built up expectations following my D&C. I thought for sure that after my polyp had been removed, poof! I would get pregnant. But no such luck.

I watched Seasons of Hope and Despair once again, and even though so many of those images make me cry, it also comforts me. It reminds me that I am not alone in this journey - that there are thousands of others who have also experienced the heartbreak, fear, and sorrow. It's such a lovely video.

After watching this, I happened upon another video, a song called I Would Die for That , which also made me cry. It's sung by a lady named Kellie Coffey, and has some interesting images. While some may feel that she is making a strong anti-abortion statement, I don't believe so. I choose to think of this song as a beautiful expression of the yearning that all of us going through IF can relate to; and towards the end of the video, it's clearly a celebration of life and IF success stories. If you watch it, let me know what you think.

Unfortunately, I am feeling a little defeated and pessimistic right now. I guess I'm just tired, you know? Wishing that it didn't have to be so hard.

Sigh.

The Do's and Don'ts of Having an Infertile Friend...

This entry is written for family and friends, old and new, who may have a sneaking suspicion that DH and I are having problems. It's not easy to admit that this is happening, nor is it easy to talk about. I would like to share with you my innermost feelings so that our relationship might whether this storm - because at the end of the day, you are important to me.

Infertility is a reality for us right now. Some of you might be shocked at the use of this word, but one in six couples experiences infertility - it's more common than you think. When you are around me, please keep the following thoughts in your heart -

Don't ask me if I'm pregnant, or speculate with others. This hurts me more than you could ever know. Plus, it makes me feel fat. When the time comes, I'll share the blessed news. But being asked all the time if I am pregnant is a constant reminder that I am NOT.

Don't feel compelled to share the latest "get pregnant" trick. Believe me, we've tried them all. Putting my feet up. Simultaneous orgasms. Drinking raspberry leaf tea. OPK sticks. Fertility monitors. Pineapple juice. Vitamin B. Acupuncture. Chinese herbs. Cutting out caffeine. Going on a vacation. If I had a dollar for every trick we've tried, we could afford to travel in Europe for the summer.

Don't tell me to relax. Until you've suffered the sorrow of trying fruitlessly for years, you'll never know the anxiety and the stress that yet another period causes. The fear of not being able to have a child can be all encompassing. There's nothing relaxing about seeing everyone around you get pregnant, or attending the tenth baby shower of the year, after having looked at yet another negative HPT. Relaxing is impossible.

Don't tell me I can always adopt. It's easy for many of you to say; you've likely felt the joy of feeling your baby kick you for the first time, or marveled at the way your baby giggles just like his daddy. Your mother has probably said to you "She has her great-grandma's dimples!", or your father has said "He has his mama's temper!" These are the things that I want to experience. Adoption isn't right for everyone.

If you are pregnant, don't tell me that you're ready for it to be over. Right now, I would kill for the chance to have swollen feet or heartburn. I would love to feel the goo of the ultrasound gel on my big belly. I'd revel at being able to actually wear maternity clothes, not just touch them and wish. Don't take for granted your pregnancy - it really is a miracle.

If you are pregnant, please don't share every detail with me. While I really am happy for you, it doesn't help me to hear all about the things that I fear I will never get to experience. Don't tell me that you could feel your baby being conceived, or that your cravings are getting stronger, or that your prenatal yoga classes are making your baby dance in your tummy. It'll just make me feel guilty that I feel sad about your happiness.

Don't tell me that you feel sorry for me when we are at a baby shower. I don't need your pity. I need your understanding. I need your distraction. I need your love and support. I need your shoulder to cry on, or your ear to bend. I need you to be a friend.

Which brings me to the "Do's" of having an infertile friend...

Do ask me how I'm doing and let me know that you are there to listen.

Do give me the time and space to share when I want to, and if I want to. Respect my privacy and refrain from judging.

Do help me by distracting me with your friendship. Meet me for a coffee. Take me window shopping. Gossip with me on the phone. Do everything you can NOT to avoid me. I need your support.

It's as simple as that. Just help me to feel loved right now, because I really need it. This has been one of the most isolating times in my life. And I'm not sure it'll ever be over...

Here You Come Again...

Okay, so I'm laughing inside my head right now, as I sing the old, old song "Here You Come Again" by Dolly Parton. Strange? Yes. Weird? Absolutely. And yet, the lyrics are so fitting - "Here you come again/just when I'd begun to get myself together/You walked right in the door/Just like you've done before/And wrapped my heart 'round your little fingers..."

Who, you may ask, am I referring to?

Why, my friend AF, of course. 'Cept she hasn't wrapped my heart around her fingers in a good way - she' s broken it. She wrapped it around her fingers, crumpled it up, and threw it on the ground. Stomped on it for good measure. And here I am today.

Sigh. Yup - no pregnancy for me this month. After being a day late (and after toying with my emotions a bit), AF decided to wreck the start of my long weekend by showing up yesterday. And after taking a hiatus from crying about it (I haven't cried now for about three months), my husband found me in my den with two big, fat tears creeping down my face.

So what does one do? Regroup, I suppose.

I called in AF to the "period hotline" at my clinic, as I am supposed to do each month while on the IVF waitlist. Don't you love that name? "Period Hotline". Like I'm calling in some criminal that I just witnessed breaking into the local convenience store. When you think about it, AF really is a big, fat lowlife criminal, isn't she? Unfortunately, though, I don't get any kind of reward for calling her in...

DH and I are now grappling with timing for our IVF. See, a lot of the girls that attend our clinic and who have started cycling this month were called off the waiting list after calling in their AF four times. This morning's phone call was number four for me. So if we get called this month, I would be starting drugs in June, with an egg retrieval and embryo transfer in early July. Normally, this would be great news - but I am a school principal, and trying to close out a school year is stressful enough without the help of fertility drugs. DH and I are worried that this will not optimize conditions to make IVF successful. Lots to think about. But I suppose, like all other things that we have had to deal with, we'll get through it...

Off to enjoy the sunshine now - perhaps do some reading and snuggle with my DH. Spend some time thinking about all of the good things that I have in life...

Waiting....again...

Soooo...I haven't posted in a light year, because there really hasn't been much to say. I'm 7dpo right now, having tried with all my might this last cycle to get pregnant naturally (okay, I suppose I didn't do it on my own...DH came along for the ride...pardon the pun! Ha!) I have had twinges and mild cramps all night in my lower left abdomen. This begs the question - is that my uterus twinging? Where exactly is my uterus? Is there a baby burrowing into it right this very moment?

Okay, must distract self...must think happy thoughts...must concentrate on something else...

I must say, in going through all of this IF stuff, I have met some great girls on various boards who have provided me with inspiration, sound advice and the occasional cyber-shoulder to cry on when the going got tough...I'm super grateful for these ladies (some of whom read this little bloggie - so you know who you are!)

A new "cyber-friend", BabyObsessed, has just received the magical call to start her IVF cycle. She's doing her IVF at my clinic, so I can't wait to hear all about it from her. Isn't it great to be able to lean on others, to learn from their experiences, and then to celebrate their victories with them?

Time to sign off, cuddle with DH and catch up on season six of 24.

I'm a Sucker for Punishment!

Okay, just finished cleaning up from a big baby shower that I threw for my friend and former teaching partner (whom I herein will refer to as "FTP"). Now, FTP does sympathize with my IF struggles because she had difficulties as well - it took her 19 months to conceive this baby. She had an undiscovered thyroid issue, and got pregnant the month after starting her thyroid meds. Truth be told, I remain jealous of this - at least she knew why she wasn't getting pregnant, and once it got fixed, boom! She got knocked up. Sigh.

Anyway, so her baby boy was born last month and I - being the sucker for punishment that I am - decide to throw her a baby shower. And you know what? I was feeling really good about it. I collected money from our colleagues for a huge group gift; happily shopped for her prezzie at Babies R Us; wrapped the gifts in beautiful paper; and bought pretty decorations for the big day. I cleaned my house from top to bottom, prepared yummy appetizers and treats, and poured drinks for my guests like Isaac Washington. Man - I was the hostess with the mostest...

And then, I heard it....

FTP was chatting in the corner with a colleague of ours, and this woman exclaimed "Oh, holding a brand new baby! There is no feeling like it..." And I felt like my heart had dropped to the soles of my feet. My eyes started to well up, and I had to leave the room.

What if I never get to experience that feeling? Touch the soft downy hair on my newborn baby's head? Smooth his cheek as he sleeps? Hear his hungry cries and feel his little lips nursing hungrily? Oh God - what if this never happens for me? I can't bear the thought.

As stated in one of my earlier entries, the sorrow of infertility creeps up on you when you least expect it. And when it does, it causes such an ache in your heart, you can hardly catch your breath.

I went back out to the party after settling myself down, and picked up her baby for a cuddle. I stroked his little cheek and touched the soft downy hair on his head and kissed him lightly as he slept.

Then I reached for another devilled egg....

The Waiting Game

I know I said I would post soon after the "Big O" (...no, not orgasm....or ovulation, for that matter...I'm talking about the Big Operation!) but I haven't really had the chance to until now. Let me start off by saying - the surgery was just fine. Of course, I was incredibly nervous and stressed about the whole thing, and as I lay in the OR "waiting area", waiting for the anesthetist to show, I started to cry. I was feeling so lonely because my DH wasn't there to hold my hand. Then I had to snap out of it because the anesthetist showed up - and lo and behold! It was someone that I knew - and he numbed my hand before sticking in the IV. Next thing I knew, I was wheeled into the OR, and then the lights went out...

I woke up an hour later, feeling rather refreshed. My ob/gyn was right - it was like having a couple of martinis and a full body massage!! I am so thankful that I had a fantastic doctor and terrific anesthetist to help me that day.

So now the waiting game begins - I have to figure out my cycles again and patiently wait for my period to come again. I am worried (...okay, when am I not worried?) that my period will be delayed. I am eager for it to arrive, as I have to phone in my period start dates to the clinic whilst I sit on the IVF waiting list. What if a delayed period equals a delayed IVF start date??

I spotted a teeny bit after the surgery for a couple of days, then it stopped. Then it started again. I read somewhere that periods after a D&C can be very, very light - "blink, and you might miss it!" Does the spotting mean that my period has come? Gawd - how tiresome. I hate that I still can't figure out my body.

On other fronts, DH and I remain highly optimistic that we will conceive naturally - some say that fertility increases after a D&C...something about a cleaned-out uterus? In any case, the RE on the Canadian IVF forums board that I also post on tells me that a "successful polypectomy can improve fertility substantially..." and that "an endometrial biopsy or hysteroscopy alone can improve implantation rates in subsequent cycles..." DH and I are really keeping our fingers crossed that this will be the case for us!

Walking the Green Mile...

Twas the night before hysteroscopy and all through my house, my mind is a-whirrin' with all kinds of doubts...

Tomorrow is the Big Day. What "Big Day?" you might ask? The day that I go into the hospital for the very first time in my life to have my hysteroscopy and d&c to remove my little friend, the polyp. They should really call it a "hysteria-oscopy" because I am beside myself with fear. Okay, maybe that's a bit too strong...but I am pretty scared, as I don't know what to expect.

They say that they will be applying a local anesthesia to my cervix. Um - can anyone say "OUCH!"? My gynecologist says that first, they will give me a "wonderful cocktail" of relaxation drugs to calm my nerves. She says I'll probably fall asleep, I'll feel so good. I'm just hoping that she's right. Because if I don't, there really will be mass hysteria in the operating room.

In other news, I found out recently that a friend I met through the bulletin boards on Babycenter.ca is pregnant after her first IVF - and I am so, so thrilled for her! We chatted on the phone last night and she shared her experiences with me to help me understand what to expect. Ashley - if you are reading this, I want you to know that you are my inspiration. You are going to be the best mommy ever!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Well, I suppose I should try and get some rest. I'll likely spend most of the night lying in bed, worrying about tomorrow. I'll post an update when I can...

Gawd!! The Things We Go Through...

Picture this - me, with my sweet little DH in tow (holding a shopping basket), wandering up and down the aisles of Wal-Mart at 10:30 p.m. for half an hour trying to find a box of ovulation sticks to pee on...and coming up empty handed!! Not only were there no ovulation predictor kits to be found, but their entire display of pregnancy tests were missing, too! What was going on?

It turns out that they lock them up for the night when the pharmacist is gone. Yes - I'm sure that there are a lot of drug addicts out there so desperate to know their lutenizing hormone levels that they would steal a box of opks! But the good folks at Wal-mart fooled them, didn't they? And in the process, they chipped away one more piece of one desperate chick's sanity...

So I ended up going to Shopper's Drug Mart. Who charged me $15.00 more than Wal-mart would have (Important tip: Never buy ttc supplies from Shopper's. It's highway robbery.) This upset me so much that it kept me up that night. Now, before you call me neurotic, I just want to say that the reason it kept me up was because, even though it was a small thing, it was just one more thing that underscored how hard this whole ttc thing is for us!! Sigh. The things we have to go through in order to try and have a baby...

Hola!

Well, back from a week of sun and fun with my dearest husband...boy, did we need that break! We stayed at a beautiful 5-star, all inclusive resort - wow, so wonderful. The weather was beautiful, hot, and humid, and the margaritas were cold and sweet. I really did enjoy myself immensely, and even had a few fleeting moments (...just a few, mind you...) when I had actually allowed myself to forget about this whole ttc thing! But as I lay by the pool in the afternoons (in my unsuccessful attempts to turn myself into a bronzed goddess...), I couldn't help but notice the little babies splashing in the children's water park; the little ones screaming in delight as their daddy piggy-backed them in the pool; or the mommies swinging with their toddlers in the hammocks. Dang - should've looked for an adults only resort...

Today is Day 10 of our bazillionth cycle ttc. DH and I attended an Information Evening on IVF right before we left for Mexico. It really helped DH learn a lot about the process and I was glad that our clinic requires attendance from both partners. I knew a lot of what was shared already, but I don't think that DH knew everything that was involved. Now he does. And he said to me on our trip, "Honey, we are gonna try really hard these next few months to get pregnant ourselves, okay?" Oh...well...what have we been doing for the last year and a half? Just practicing?!?

The thing is, I don't think this month will be ours anyway, given the fact that I am scheduled for a hysteroscopy and possible D & C on the 16th - which could conceivably be about 4 days after ovulation (if my body decides to cooperate and go back to its regularly scheduled programming...) I seriously doubt that any implantation could take place, even if fertilization occurred, given the fact that my endometrium (don't you love these technical terms? Oh, so sexy!!) is going to be scraped clean. But I will give it the old college try - because you just never know, right? At this point, I know that anything can happen.

Okay, random thought just entered my head: how about that JLo? I read the People magazine article on her during my vacation and she claims her twins weren't conceived through fertility treatments. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't there quite a bit written about her frustrations and sadness at not being able to conceive? How she tried for years to get pregnant? And we are supposed to believe, that at the ripe old age of 38, she conceived twins naturally?!? Do I sound skeptical? Have I asked enough questions?

Well, I'm off to Walmart to pick up some ovulation sticks...wish I was off to the swim-up bar for another margarita instead...

Double or Triple Scoop?

Okay, so I haven't left for Mexico yet...but I am definitely counting down the days!

I had my appointment with my new gynecologist/obstretician to talk about my polyp and it was a great appointment. She's funny and open and took the time to listen and answer questions. I had asked her how long the polyp had been there, how big it was, and if the polyp was the reason that none of my IUIs "took", and she revealed something interesting to me:

She wrestled with infertility for five years. She had 8 IUIs, and 5 IVFs. She said she knew exactly where I was going with my questions, but said she was going to "check (her) emotions at the door and say no, the polyp didn't have any impact." She then went on to tell me a bit about her own experiences and how she struggled. At the end of her fourth IVF cycle (failed), she was told by the fertility clinic that the next IVF would be her last one at that clinic, because they couldn't help her anymore. She said she was devastated and was scared to death that she wouldn't have her own biological child. She told me that not even a breast cancer scare she had had earlier on had put that kind of fear into her heart.

But one day she had this amazing revelation that she firmly believes helped her. Her turning point was when she truly, genuinely accepted in her core that she would be okay if she didn't have children. This brought comfort into her soul. And she conceived on her fifth and final IVF.

I tell ya, it totally helps to be working with someone who has been through it all.

Okay, so you are probably wondering where the title of today's post comes from...

During this appointment, the doctor talked to me briefly about preparing my body for the IVF, and she said "Don't let them put 3 embryos back. Maximum 2." I asked her why, and she explained that triplet conceptions increase the risk exponentially of children born with severe difficulties, like cerebral palsy. She said that it should be illegal for fertility clinics to put in more than 2, and that as an obstretician, she has seen a lot of IVF pregnancies where more than 2 were put back, resulting in some sad results.

Now, DH and I had always planned on asking for 3, as this is likely our one and only IVF that we can afford to do. And of course, there is never any guarantee that any of them will implant anyway!! So now what?

Does anyone out there have any experience or advice on this - two or three? I'd love to hear from ya!

Blessing in Disguise

Okay, I recant my earlier statements about my body...as a matter of fact, I am grateful for the untimely arrival of AF two weeks ago...

Allow me to explain...

It turns out that what I thought was AF really wasn't - it was some sort of mid-cycle bleeding. After speaking with the fertility clinic (whose only words of wisdom were, "Don't worry. Maybe it's just excess endometrium sloughing off..."), I made an appointment to see my family physician. Now let me first say that I LOVE my family doctor; she is incredibly kind and thorough. Anyway, she sent me to get an HCG blood test done (on the off chance that I had gotten pregnant...and I hadn't...), then sent me to get an ultrasound done.

It was during said ultrasound that we discovered I have grown a uterine polyp!! This was causing the midcycle bleeding. And guess what? The presence of a uterine polyp makes IVF treatments highly unsuccessful, since it interferes with implantation. So now I am going to get the damn thing removed.

See what I mean? Thank God I started to bleed...

In other news, DH and I are getting ready to jet off to sunny Mexico for a much needed break from life - the daily stresses of work, home, and most definitely, infertility are starting to catch up with us. I cannot wait to hit the buffets and restaurants - love the fact that we are doing this. Did I happen to mention how much I love, love, love food? Okay, the sun and sand will be bonuses too...but mainly, it's the food that I am looking forward to. Of course, I must eat in moderation, since I anticipate bloating up like a blowfish this summer with the fertility treatments - don't want to unnecessarily add to the extra poundage. But one thing's for sure - I will definitely indulge in daily dishes of fresh coconut ice cream. Yum!

Aloha...oh, um, wait a minute. Not going to Hawaii. Hasta la vista, everyone! Mayan Riviera, here we come!!

Argh!

I hate my body. Not an "eating disorder, I want to look like a supermodel" kind of hate; it's more like a "what the hell is going on with it??" kind of hate. I have utterly and completely lost control of it.

You see, I used to be regular - what is it that they say? Like clockwork. Even when I was young and didn't quite understand how cycles work, I could always rely on being "seven days early" with my period (when I was a teen, I would simply look at the calender the day my period came, then subtract 7 from that exact number. That's the day that I knew my period would come the following month!! Later, as a woman trying to conceive, I developed the understanding that I had 23-24 day cycles.) But now, things are waaaay different...

My period came today. Yes, good old Aunt Flo. Cousin Tom ("Time of Month"). Imagine my surprise when I looked at my calender this morning and noticed that I am only on Day 17 of my cycle!!! WTH?!? Didn't I just ovulate a couple of days ago? Didn't my temperature just dip yesterday, then jump this morning? What the heck is going on?

Ever since I started fertility treatments, I just can't rely on the old body to stay on schedule anymore. I suspect that the clomid and progesterone I took for four months straight plays a major role in this. The hormones are so out of whack in my system that it doesn't quite know what to do!! Add to this the fact that I have had a very stressful week at work...and well...what do you get? An early surprise!

For one fleeting moment this morning, I was hoping that it was implantation spotting. Ah yes! The mythical implantation bleed. Google the term, and you get the same info on almost every site - it's supposed to be scant, pinkish, possibly brown. I had a hard time finding the part that described implantation bleeding using the words "bright red" and "full flow". Hmmm...so maybe it's not...

Anyway, the fact remains that my system has checked out on me. Adios. Adieu. Can't wait to see what's going to happen next!

Secret Shopper

Okay...I have a confession to make...

I bought a diaper bag yesterday. But not just any diaper bag!! The "OiOi" charcoal dot tote bag...so totally cute and trendy and so totally on sale for $69.99 (regular up to $130.00!) It's big and beautiful - with lime green lining and all of the fun little accessories. But oooooh, I wrestled with my decision. Called Big Sis, who said that perhaps I shouldn't buy it for fear of jinxing myself...then called Mum at work, but she wasn't available. I carried it around the entire store for fear that someone else would snatch it up...and then I decided:

I'm going to buy it because it will give me hope.

I really want to be hopeful about this whole IVF thing - I want to believe that it's going to happen for us. I am going to concentrate all of my energies on making sure I do everything possible to make my first IVF my only IVF.

I have wrapped it up and tucked it away in the closet of the room that we were hoping would be our nursery. In my heart, I know it will be there, waiting for me. In my heart, I will have hope.

Musings on a Wednesday...

So, I just got home from seeing "Juno" - and I was sooo looking forward to it, as everyone said it was a great flick! Turns out, they were right - but nobody warned me that it wasn't "infertility" friendly!! Let me explain...

For those of you who haven't seen or heard of it, "Juno" is a great little movie about a teenage pregnancy. It has some totally hilarious moments, but also some bits that really affected me. First of all, they showed the girl's positive hpt...and I thought to myself "Oh! That's what it looks like!" God knows I've never seen one before! One of the girls I was with (who is eight months pregnant) said "Ahhh! Brings back memories..." and I felt sad...

Secondly, the girl gets pregnant having sex in a chair. If I had known that would work, DH and I would've given our lazy-boy more of a workout!! Don't they always say that that is one of the worst positions you can be in if you want to conceive?

There is one scene where the teenager is complaining to the adoptive mother of her baby (played by Jennifer Garner) about being pregnant - and she says to her something like "You're lucky you're not the one pregnant." A look of sorrow passes quickly across Jennifer Garner's face, then just as quickly as it came, it disappeared. This made me cry - I totally felt her pain! I have had sooo many moments exactly like that in my life.

It was actually kinda hard to watch Jennifer's Garner's character play out on the screen...she seemed not to want to get too close to Juno or her baby...likely for fear that the adoption wouldn't go through. She seemed so guarded and I felt so sorry for her.

Gawd - can't I just enjoy a movie without all of these emotions? I'm pathetic.

I must say, I am in a total blue funk right now. It's hard to come to the realization that I can't have a baby the "regular way". I'm scared of the IVF. I'm scared of getting my hopes up. I'm scared it won't work. I'm scared DH and I will have to make some decisions if, at the end of the journey, we come home empty-handed...

Relax! It will happen when you stop trying...

Isn't that what everyone says? Or - and here's my favourite - adopt and you'll get pregnant! I've heard it all...and that's why Dear Husband and I don't talk to anyone other than family about it anymore.

I was at a black-tie event on Saturday night and a very nice girl that I sat next to (mother of two) asked if DH and I were going to start a family. I told her, "Yes, we'd love to have kids, when the time is right..." and the lady sitting on the other side of me (also mother of two, bit of a nosey-parker) rubbed my shoulder and cooed "Oooooh, you'd be such a good mother..." But she had this look on her face - like she was consoling me or something. It was a look of total sympathy. And I felt myself welling up. Damn, I hate when that happens (...it all goes back to my last post!! Hits you from nowhere!!)

Anyway, DH and I are "coasting" for these next couple of months, as we had to stop fertility treatments and get my body ready for IVF...so I thought I would forgo the temping and the fertility monitor and just wing it for this cycle. But DH says to me last night, "When are you ovulating?" and I said "I dunno, maybe this weekend!" and he said "Aren't you tracking?" Hmmm...I thought we were supposed to coast this month! So much for relaxing...haha!

I have been doing more reading on IVF...and reading more great blogs from ladies who have been through it. Learning lots. There are a couple of books that I want to pick up too - I just want to make sure that I do everything that I can to make it a success, you know? I know that there are no guarantees, but it freaks me out to think that it might not happen the first go-round...I don't know if DH would want to do it more than once. And truth be told, I don't know if my heart can handle it...

More Kleenex, Please...

Somedays I get through my day not even giving infertility a second thought - and then suddenly, something happens or someone says something and I feel as though I'm paralysed by its vice-like grip on my life...funny how that happens. "I was minding my own business when suddenly - BOOM! - there it was!! Infertility smacking me across the face!!"

Like the other evening - I was reading some of the other infertility blogs and happened upon a link to a Youtube video called Infertility: Seasons of Hope and Despair (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5GdTEM7Iig) - and watching it made me feel such overwhelming sadness. Not only is the song poignant (Tracy Chapman's "The Promise"), but I was surprised at how many of the images I totally related to. The one that really got me bawling was the picture of a negative HPT - how many times have I seen that over the course of this last year? I told my sister about the video and asked her to watch it - I told her that if she ever wondered what I was going through and was afraid to ask, the video would speak volumes for me. She watched it and cried too. It was definitely a two-hanky night for us.

And today - a good friend of mine (whose due date was last Sunday) called me at work to tell me that she was bored, and that she was completely ready for "this whole pregnancy thing to be finished with". What about those of us who never even get the chance to start?

Sometimes I worry that I am losing my capacity to be happy for others. I am surrounded by pregnant women - and each time I hear another pregnancy announcement, I feel that vice-like grip again...that dull ache...that pang of sadness...and I ask myself the same questions: Why can't that be me? Why does it have to be this hard? What did I do wrong?

Yes, today's entry is all about the one-woman pity-party. Because dammit - I have the right to be sad.

Pass the kleenex, please...

Wow! Learn something new everyday...

Like the maniacal researcher that I am, I have begun to read anything and everything that there is about IVF and ICSI...and let me tell you, it ain't exactly making me comfortable with the whole thing...

For example, ICSI (the process by which the sperm is injected directly into the egg, thereby causing fertilization) has its downside. One of them is that in forcing the sperm into the egg, the egg could become damaged or destroyed! That really sucks! An egg that my little body works overtime to produce, and that was otherwise a normal, juicy egg, could get destroyed? As well, apparently there is a concern by some that ICSI could cause fetal abnormalities or birth defects. This belief is due to the fact that there is no telling what the quality of the sperm is that is being injected into the egg. *However, I read in a subsequent study that IVF/ICSI babies had no higher rate of birth defects than children naturally conceived. As well, this study showed the IVF/ICSI babies had the same cognitive abilities as naturally conceived children. I felt much better after seeing that!

And the process of "gathering my eggs"? Let me tell you, it's not a scene out of the church picnic on Easter Sunday. I have to be sedated (gak!) and a needle is going to pass through the top of my woo-hoo, and into the ovaries. And apparently, this procedure carries a risk of internal damage and infection. Great.

I love the disclaimers/waivers that DH and I have to sign for this whole thing...yes, we understand that the eggs might not fertilize...or that it might not implant...or that treatment may have to be cancelled due to overstimulation. We were told at the clinic that for women my age, the success rate is 56% (using fresh sperm). Beats the hell out of the 10-13% chance we were facing with IUI. We'll take it!

So I dropped off the registration form this morning, along with my deposit. And now the waiting starts.

Okay, despite this panicked entry, I am excited about it. Stay positive, right? That's all I can do right now.

Stay positive.