Friday, January 16, 2009

Divine Support

Well, it seems that I am doing okay. Some might even say, I'm doing well. In these past weeks, I have laughed at silly jokes and caressed a baby's cheek. I have made accomplishments at work, and made meals to fill our bellies. I have lunched with girlfriends and dined with my sister. Yes - I am doing okay.

I strongly believe that I have made it through what I consider to be the darkest hours of my life because of my faith in God. Funny - growing up, my family attended church on and off, but I would never have considered myself a very religious person. However, I have always believed that there is a divine Plan for me - a path that God has set me upon. And I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, even if it doesn't make sense. At many points in my life, God answered my prayers. And I have to believe that God was listening when I prayed for my little embryo - because I prayed for a healthy baby. Obviously, it just wasn't meant to be.

A colleague of mine sent me a chain e-mail today. Normally, I never perpetuate those things - I usually click "delete" with immediate disgust. But this time, I read it. I wept a little. And then I passed it on. Because the e-mail contained a prayer that is so meaningful to me right now, that I needed to send it back out there, in hopes that it would touch others the way that it touched me. St. Theresa's Prayer reads as follows -

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

Reading this prayer filled me with warmth and I realized - if I am to have the strength to continue my fight and the courage to hope again, then I need to find peace in my heart and in my mind. So instead of asking "Why me?", I am going to ask "Why not me?" This will shape who I am, and it will ultimately make me a better person and a better mother.

The instructions on the e-mail were to make a wish, read the prayer, then send it along to 12 other women. Simple instructions to follow, so I did it. Can anybody guess what my wish was?

Thursday, January 1, 2009

A New Look for a New Year

Happy New Year.

In the process of regrouping, I thought I would freshen things up and change the look of my little blog. I hope you all like it.

This past week has certainly had its ups and downs - mostly downs, I have to say. Even though on a cerebral basis I knew that our chances for success were only about 50%, having to deal with the reality of a failed cycle is a completely different thing. Compounding things was the fact that the clinic called to tell me that my lab test results were inconclusive (apparently, my urine was too dilute) , so I had to get a beta done. This was on Tuesday. I had a very, very brief fleeting bit of hope that perhaps my hpt was wrong, but then yesterday morning I took another hpt and it was still negative. I tell ya - there's nothing like having to hear over and over again, "You're not pregnant."

So now I wait the "official" word from the clinic once again, so that I can stop taking the prometrium and estrace. This was another source of grief for me - why on earth was I forced to continue taking these pregnancy-supporting hormones when I wasn't even pregnant? Irritating, to say the least. However, the clinic has been closed for the holiday season, so I have to wait until I receive instructions from them before I can stop.

So what lies ahead for me this year?

Well, we are going to go for IVF cycle #3 (...never thought I would get to this point...) and in the time that it takes to be called off the waiting list, I am going to go back to acupuncture and traditional Chinese medicine. This is in an attempt to improve my egg quality.

I'm going to take the time to concentrate on some of my old friendships and build some new ones. I have pushed so many of them away that I have realized I have no one to turn to when I need a good laugh, or a girlfriend to catch a chick flick with.

I would like to get back to working out regularly again. Get my body and mind healthy for our next cycle.

I am committed to try and enjoy my life more. I have put so many things on hold because of our infertility challenges, I feel as though I am losing sight of who I am. 2009 will be the Year of Springroll.

And, of course, I will continue to hope and pray and remain positive. I will be a Mother one day.