Tuesday, February 26, 2008

More Kleenex, Please...

Somedays I get through my day not even giving infertility a second thought - and then suddenly, something happens or someone says something and I feel as though I'm paralysed by its vice-like grip on my life...funny how that happens. "I was minding my own business when suddenly - BOOM! - there it was!! Infertility smacking me across the face!!"

Like the other evening - I was reading some of the other infertility blogs and happened upon a link to a Youtube video called Infertility: Seasons of Hope and Despair (
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5GdTEM7Iig) - and watching it made me feel such overwhelming sadness. Not only is the song poignant (Tracy Chapman's "The Promise"), but I was surprised at how many of the images I totally related to. The one that really got me bawling was the picture of a negative HPT - how many times have I seen that over the course of this last year? I told my sister about the video and asked her to watch it - I told her that if she ever wondered what I was going through and was afraid to ask, the video would speak volumes for me. She watched it and cried too. It was definitely a two-hanky night for us.

And today - a good friend of mine (whose due date was last Sunday) called me at work to tell me that she was bored, and that she was completely ready for "this whole pregnancy thing to be finished with". What about those of us who never even get the chance to start?

Sometimes I worry that I am losing my capacity to be happy for others. I am surrounded by pregnant women - and each time I hear another pregnancy announcement, I feel that vice-like grip again...that dull ache...that pang of sadness...and I ask myself the same questions: Why can't that be me? Why does it have to be this hard? What did I do wrong?

Yes, today's entry is all about the one-woman pity-party. Because dammit - I have the right to be sad.

Pass the kleenex, please...

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Wow! Learn something new everyday...

Like the maniacal researcher that I am, I have begun to read anything and everything that there is about IVF and ICSI...and let me tell you, it ain't exactly making me comfortable with the whole thing...

For example, ICSI (the process by which the sperm is injected directly into the egg, thereby causing fertilization) has its downside. One of them is that in forcing the sperm into the egg, the egg could become damaged or destroyed! That really sucks! An egg that my little body works overtime to produce, and that was otherwise a normal, juicy egg, could get destroyed? As well, apparently there is a concern by some that ICSI could cause fetal abnormalities or birth defects. This belief is due to the fact that there is no telling what the quality of the sperm is that is being injected into the egg. *However, I read in a subsequent study that IVF/ICSI babies had no higher rate of birth defects than children naturally conceived. As well, this study showed the IVF/ICSI babies had the same cognitive abilities as naturally conceived children. I felt much better after seeing that!

And the process of "gathering my eggs"? Let me tell you, it's not a scene out of the church picnic on Easter Sunday. I have to be sedated (gak!) and a needle is going to pass through the top of my woo-hoo, and into the ovaries. And apparently, this procedure carries a risk of internal damage and infection. Great.

I love the disclaimers/waivers that DH and I have to sign for this whole thing...yes, we understand that the eggs might not fertilize...or that it might not implant...or that treatment may have to be cancelled due to overstimulation. We were told at the clinic that for women my age, the success rate is 56% (using fresh sperm). Beats the hell out of the 10-13% chance we were facing with IUI. We'll take it!

So I dropped off the registration form this morning, along with my deposit. And now the waiting starts.

Okay, despite this panicked entry, I am excited about it. Stay positive, right? That's all I can do right now.

Stay positive.

Friday, February 22, 2008

How Did I End Up Here?

I don't really have the answer to that. All I know is that I needed this space in order to collect my thoughts. I have been meaning to do this for so long now; I'm hoping that it will be therapeutic.


Here's my deal. DH and I have been trying now for 20 (count 'em, 20!!) cycles to get pregnant. Even though DH's morphology is a little inconsistent, we have been plunked ever so kindly into the "unexplained infertility" category. My uterus is nicely shaped (thank God! Wouldn't be caught dead walking around with a misshapen uterus!) and my tubes are so slick and clear they could be straws. So what's the problem? How did I end up here?

My last blood serum hcg was on Tuesday - BFN. The IUI nurse at the clinic said it really quickly to me on the phone, like she was scared I would jump through the phone and hit her. "I'm sorry, Springroll, it's a negative." But at first she called me by the wrong name. What?! "Are you sure those are my results?" I ask. "Yes." she replies.


But my boobs are just starting to get sore. And I swear I had a metallic taste in my mouth, just last week! And I feel nauseous in the mornings. Are you sure those are my results?

Right before she hung up the phone, she said to me "Remember, God loves you and we love you. It will happen." I sat in my chair in my office and cried.

So now we are on a doctor-imposed two month break from treatments; I'm told this is so that my ovaries don't become used to the clomid or develop cysts. Last week, DH and I met with our RE, who has told us that he recommends we go with IVF/ICSI when our break is over.

Holy crap!!!

Seriously...how did I end up here?