Monday, December 12, 2011

Holy Moly!!

Our family had a wonderful little weekend, celebrating our good news by heading out to the mountains and staying at a beautiful resort tucked in the heart of the Canadian Rockies...while we were cozy in our room, cuddling (all three of us!) under a down duvet on the king sized bed, it snowed lightly outside our window. Sigh. Simply amazing.

DH and I are still in a bit of shock over our blessed news, but mostly, we just can't stop smiling! We arrived home on Sunday morning, and I headed out to the lab in the afternoon to get my beta test done.

You will never believe the result....

My hcg beta - 16dp2dt - is 2281.

Yes - holy moly!!!

I couldn't believe my ears when the nurse from the clinic phoned this morning, and I actually had to ask her to repeat herself.

"Isn't that a bit high?!?" I asked.

"Yes." she replied, "But that's good! Congratulations!"

"Doesn't a high number like that sometimes mean multiples?" I persisted...

"Yes." she answered, "There's a possibility!"

"But I only transferred one embryo. Isn't it too early for it to split???" I could feel the blood drain from my face as I thought of this possibility.

" let's get you booked in for an ultrasound, shall we?" she replied cheerfully, clearly trying to distract me from my neurosis....

I am still trying to come to terms with the number, and hope that it's just a strong little embie, burying in deep and producing a lot of hcg. But my mind couldn't help but wander to the thought that a high beta number could also mean a molar pregnancy...

I pray to God that it isn't...

Friday, December 9, 2011

Walk Softly and Carry a Big Stick...

...or in my case, a pee stick....

I was going to test on the morning of my last entry (12dp2dt), but decided against it for one main reason: I was worried that if the result was negative, I would spend a bunch of time sweating out whether it was a true negative or if it was too early to test. I just didn't want to get myself worked up like that - just wasn't worth it.

So I waited another two days and tested this morning.

As I sit here at my desk and type this entry, I am also enjoying a nice, hot cup of tea. Gazing into the mug, this is what I see:

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

12dp2dt...not that I'm counting....

It's been a quick 12 days. I'm sure that having my little bunny to look after, plus working full time, plus the passing of my FORTIETH birthday (egads!) has helped the time pass by quickly. But no matter how busy it's been, I have still taken a quiet moment each night to say a prayer and think about how much time has passed since our brave little embie set up shop in my tummy.

Not sure what to say about symptoms, as I tend to attribute any out-of-the-ordinary feelings to my little buddies, Progesterone and Estrace. Boobies have been a tiny bit sore and feel a tiny bit fuller. Appetite like a hungry bear. Cramps and twinges here and there (especially 7dp2dt...). But it could all be an illusion - I won't know for another few days...

I'll be taking a home pregnancy test on Friday, and have a beta booked for Sunday. Nervous, scared, freaked out. These will be the last hpts that I take for the rest of my life...

DH and I booked a weekend away in the mountains at a swanky hotel...with our little bunny, of course. The way I see it, the little trip will be either celebratory in nature, or it will be a change of scenery as I mourn. But no matter - this weekend will be a time of much needed rest and relaxation.

Monday, November 28, 2011


Hello, friends -

Sorry that I haven't posted the update...not quite sure why, other than the fact that despite my very best efforts to slow down and take it easy since the transfer, I've been a little busy at home (the 2ww is sure different with a toddler!!)

My tummy is now home to one lovely little embie - a four celled beauty on Day 2, with perfectly formed cells and a tiny bit of fragmentation. The embryologists scored it 1-2 (with 1 being "perfect" and 4 being "poor"), and the RE that did the transfer commented that it was a great looking embryo. We watched the ultrasound screen very carefully in order not to miss seeing the little shining spark as it entered my womb...things went without a hitch. One post-transfer acupuncture session later and we were done.

And now the wait begins.

We are trying not to be too hopeful, but overall we are feeling positive about things. I've done a fair bit of reading on Day 2 transfers, and several studies on their efficacy with poor responders/older IVF patients (that's me!) We have yet to nickname this little gem, but I'm sure we will come up with something soon. Daddy talks to it every night and I pray every chance that I get that it is growing strong and healthy.

Poor little M is struggling - he is a Mama's Boy, through and through, so we knew that this was going to be tough on him. I am not lifting him, which he finds so terribly hard (as do I...) His constant "Mama, nuggle" ("Mama, snuggles!") and then frustrated tears when I bend down just to hug him breaks my heart. But Daddy picks him up and puts him into my lap any time he can, so that's a bit of consolation. Needless to say, it's going to be a looooong two weeks...

Thanks to those of you who have commented and sent encouraging words - they have meant more than you will ever know...


Wednesday, November 23, 2011


What a colossal disaster this cycle has been....

One egg. That's all they managed to get this morning. One mature egg. Apparently the other two were cysts.

I am dreading the call from the embryologist tomorrow...

Monday, November 21, 2011

Trigger Happy

Tonight's the night! Time to pull the trigger...inject the old HCG and let it work its magic. Not that it has much to do....for I have a grand total of (...dramatic drumroll, please....) - 3 follicles.

Yep. You read correctly. 3. Last Thursday's ultrasound was a disappointing one, as I learned that I only had 4 follicles to work with. The RE who did the u/s asked if I wanted to cancel the cycle, and I asked her for her honest, from-the-gut opinion. She said that realistically, she doesn't think that I'll get any better than this, given my age and the fact that I am on the cadillac of protocols (read: maxed out on drugs...) So she said that if she were me, she'd go for it. Nothing to lose.

Fast forward to Saturday and my next ultrasound, attended by my own RE. Who discovers that I only have 3 follicles instead of the original quote of 4. But she is much more encouraging (kind) than the other RE; instead of giving me the cynical response, she tells me that it only takes one.

So here I am - strapping on the parachute and ready to take the dive again.

Once again, for posterity, my numbers are as follows: 2.0 on the left; 1.75 and 1.75 on the right.

The retrieval is on Wednesday. Please pray for me, ladies!


Monday, November 14, 2011

A New Post Just for Me...

...because I don't think anyone else is reading this anymore! :-)

It's terrible the way that I have been neglecting this little was my lifeline to some semblance of sanity a short three years ago...and now it is virtually catching dust as it waits for me patiently to add to it...poor little blog...

I thought I would take the time to write this evening, if for nothing more than to simply record this timeframe for posterity. You see, DH and I are in the middle of an IVF cycle. Yes, we decided this past summer that we wanted to have another child - a sibling for our sweet baby boy, more laughter for our already happy home. We decided that we didn't want to give up our dreams of having more than one child. We decided that we could give it one more good ole' college try. We decided that our cup runneth over...and perhaps we could make another little "sippy cup" to fill.

So off we went to our fertility clinic in the middle of August to meet with our new RE (we decided to request another doctor to work with this time around, as we felt that our old RE was far too pessimistic for our liking - despite our success). We had a great chat with our doctor, got our tests updated, and here we are - approximately 10 days away from an egg retrieval and transfer! Our protocol this time around is based mainly on the Sher protocol that we were on last time (agonist/antagonist conversion protocol with estrogen priming), with a little bit of "tweaking". Daily injections of 450 iu gonal f; 150 iu menopur; and 125 iu of cetrotide, combined with estradot patches. I've also been on 75 mg of DHEA a day for the past three months, in hopes that this will improve my egg quality and quantity. The thought of cycling again was daunting, made even more so by the fact that I was cycling with a toddler running underfoot. But it has been surprisingly simple and I have developed a good little routine for managing everything. The real test will be after transfer, when I will want to relax and put my feet up - but will likely be unable to because of a certain little monkey who constantly wants to be picked up, cuddled, and played with.

Speaking of my little monkey...oh, what a wonderful time this is! He is talking up a storm right now and gets into more mischief than I care to see....but every time I hear him utter "Uh-oh!" because of something he's done, it makes me smile. And it melts my heart. DH and I talk about him non-stop (...I fear we are in danger of becoming one of "those couples" - unable to talk about anything but our child...) and we are constantly amazed at all of the things he can say and do. For instance, tonight as we were reading his bedtime book, I heard him count to four. We had done this with one of his little board books before, whereby I had taken his little finger and had counted objects in one of the pictures together. Obviously, he remembered, because this evening he counted out loud on the same page that we had counted together on...oh, what a sweetie!!

I go for an ultrasound on Thursday to determine how many follicles we are working with - I've been busy saying many prayers and thinking positive thoughts. If there is anyone out there still reading this little blog - please also send positive thoughts our way!!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Surprise! A New Post!

Sigh. I've been a terrible blogger (*slap wrist*) and I'm not very sure that anyone reads this anymore. But in any case, I thought I'd sign on today and jot down my thoughts before time flies by anymore...

Life has been crazy - and I mean, capital C-Crazy - for the past couple of months. Shortly after his first birthday, I returned to work full time and things went more smoothly than I had anticipated. We finally settled on a local dayhome for Mason, which has a unique concept - it's actually run by a company that owns a number of dayhomes in the area. What they do is purchase/lease homes, employ professional caregivers to live in these homes, and then provide childcare services. So what you get is professional care by certified individuals (for example, our lady has her daycare qualifications certificate, first aid, and other early childhood development coursework) but in a home setting with low numbers! And an added bonus - this company sorts their dayhomes according to age, so Mason's dayhome is expressly for one year old need to worry about bigger kids accidentally hurting the littler ones!

The first couple of weeks were torture - for me more so than for Mason. For the first little bit, each time I dropped him off, he clung to me and wailed and wailed...and it broke my heart into a million little pieces. But seeing him go through that made me realize just how much he needed to be around other people and peers his own age...he was just far too isolated with me at home! I was especially worried about his eating habits and his nap times - especially since he was still struggling with eating chunkier foods (the rest of the babies at the dayhome were ALL already on table foods - no baby food for them!!) But our caregiver is so incredibly kind and patient - and Mason has since adjusted incredibly well. Daddy drops him off (usually, unless he is out of town on business) and he is always happy to go now. Christina (our caregiver) has introduced him to all kinds of new foods (grilled cheese sandwiches, animal crackers, macaroni and beef...) and so his eating has improved ten-fold! He has made a new best friend (Kade) and a girlfriend (Payton) and when I pick him up at the end of the day, I always see him happily playing. It's such a relief!

Of course, the adjustment wasn't without issues - he caught a nasty cold right away that hung on for 2 and a half weeks - then turned into a horrible ear infection. I swear we suctioned that kid's nose over 50 times in the space of 2 weeks...poor little thing. But again - it was an important rite of passage for him, so as to build up his immune system. He's over now - right as rain.

But I do miss him during the day. Terribly. Going back to work has been a pretty positive experience for me, as it has been nice to feel mentally stimulated again. It's sure nice having something else to think about other than the next nap or the next bottle. But when I get a (rare) break, I look at his picture in my office and I just MISS HIM. The good thing is - summer holidays are around the corner and I'll get to spend my days with my little lovebug once again.

Mason learned to walk on his own about three weeks ago, though he does it selectively and rather rarely. He only seems to do it when he is holding a toy in his hands - as though it is a necessary balancing tool. But he is oh, so cute when he does it!! He is becoming a little boy before my very eyes - understanding requests ("Where's blankie? Can you share your juice? Say night night to Daddy"), getting into mischief and asserting his little personality. In the past month, I have thought to myself a million times, "Time is going by too quickly - if only I could shove him back into my womb!!!" LOL.

DH and I have been working on Baby #2, though not with as much vim and vigour as with our first. That is to say, we have been trying au naturel, but neither one of us is ready to talk about going the ART route again. But I DO want another baby...I DO want Mason to have a sibling...and I would love to be able to give DH another child (he is SUCH a good daddy...) So in the next little bit, the plan will be to put myself back on CoEzQ10 and royal jelly, go back to my acupuncturist and then wait and see...

Here are some pics from his first birthday party - oh, it was so much fun! The Very Hungry Caterpillar...

I'd post more pics, but it takes FOREVER.... lol....

The cupcakes that you see were made by our close friend...and it was as yummy as it was pretty!! We had crafts and food from the book (salami, swiss cheese, strawberries, etc.) and lots of balloons...we just had a blast!

I'm going to try and write more's a good escape and a good way for me to capture those moments...

Oh, and a special hug of congratulations goes out to my cyber friend, Turia, who had a baby boy on Mother's Day!! She waited so long for this little miracle...dreams really do come true...


Friday, March 11, 2011

Happy Birthday, Mason!!

One year ago.

One year ago today, our little boy - the miracle that we never thought we would be blessed with - came into our lives. With a tiny cry a great determination, Mason entered our hearts and put up permanent residence.

I can remember it like it was yesterday.

And what a year it has been. Filled with such joy and laughter.

And the fun continues...

Party tomorrow. It's been an exhausting day of planning and preparation. But it will be all worth it - to be with our family and friends, celebrating our little Dim Sum's first year of life.

More later....

Friday, March 4, 2011

One is the LOVELIEST Number...

In exactly one week, my baby will be one year old. Where does the time go? When I close my eyes, I can still picture myself one year ago this weekend, waddling around trying to get ready for my baby shower. There are many times when I still feel as though I should pinch myself to make sure that it's all real...after all that time, and all of that heartache, here I am with a one year old child. Life is just too, too sweet.

Mason's sunny little personality emerges more and more with each passing day, and I regret not having documented it more with this blog. He is definitely becoming a little boy, right before my very eyes. Gone are the days when I could cuddle him in bed after our morning feed, with him falling asleep on my chest. Nowadays, I struggle to keep him from falling off our bed, as he rolls around on it, shrieking with laughter. Gone are the days when he would sit nicely on his playmat, content with the toys that I put right in front of him to play with. Nowadays, he's crawling down the hall like a madman or climbing up on the furniture, in search of the next adventure. And gone are the days when I could lie him down on the change table and have him cooperate. Nowadays, he'd rather be anywhere than lying there with his diaper off and his onesie pulled over his head! He truly is such a little monkey.

For the record - just so that I don't regret not writing some of this stuff down - here are some fun facts:

Mason weighs 17 lbs and 4 oz. He is tiny, but oh so mighty...

Mason has four teeth (just found the newest one today!)

Mason has three bottles and two nursing feeds a day ( Mommy continues to wrestle with weaning...)

Mason can eat cheerios and toast now. But is still only on purees...sigh...

Mason can crawl, go up stairs, pull himself up to stand on furniture, and stand unaided for about 10 seconds

Mason claps when you say "Hooray, hooray!" It's the cutest thing. And the other day, when I was bottle feeding him, he happened to see the audience on The Ellen Degeneres Show applauding, so he burst into spontaneous applause, too! :)

Mason is most ticklish under his arms.

Mason has had one haircut and is due for another.

Mason loves his Daddy...and I mean LOVES his Daddy. At the end of the day when Daddy comes home and cuddles Mason, Mommy becomes chopped liver...

Mason is the light of Mommy and Daddy's lives...

And here we are, planning his first birthday party. So fun! We're going with The Very Hungry Caterpillar theme, as this seems to be his most favourite book. I've made almost everything, from the banner to the invitations...and it's all coming together so nicely! Next weekend is going to be BIG! More later...

Friday, January 28, 2011

Food For Thought

Alright, I must say -

Out of everything that I have learned in these last ten months of being a Mommy (and I have learned so much!! This job sure comes with a steep learning curve!), one of the hardest things has been how to properly feed my child (...and this is not related to his nursing strike, which he seems to have gotten over...)

This is not to say that Mason is not a good little eater - he has been. Up until this point, he has been most willing to eat almost everything I have thrown his way (except avocado and green beans!) However, since Day 1 of solids, I have been slightly overwhelmed with figuring out portions and combinations and variety. I have read books and followed the pamphlet that was handed out by my community health nurse. I have googled and read blogs and looked on websites. I measure everything carefully for each meal, and have been weary of overfeeding him and watchful of allergic reactions. But something tells me that I am supposed to be more relaxed than this!

Before he was born, I had the best intentions of making my own baby food. Fast forward a few months (...and a terrible experience with trying to buy a Beaba Babycook machine off of Ebay...which we never received...) I gave up and decided that I was going to buy jars, but go the organic route. He seemed to like it all and we had fallen into a good groove, although I had noticed that he tended not to be able to eat as much as the books say he should be eating by his age...

But after Christmas, we started in with more textured baby food - and let me tell you, it has been a challenge! He just cannot handle the chunkier textures - even if it is the tiniest bit of carrot or pasta noodle. My little man gags, heaves....and then throws up. And it has been about three weeks of this! Somedays there seems to be improvement...and other days, not so much...

My cyberfriend, Kate, over at Impatiently Waiting ( seems to be able to feed her sweetie such wonderful things...and meanwhile Mason is still refusing anything not pureed.

I have resorted to mixing pureed sweet potato in with the chunkier meals (i.e. vegetable-beef-spaghetti) in order to entice him to eat (each day, I added more of the chunky, less of the puree...). But this only worked for so long before he would throw up again. Yesterday, at the end of what I thought was a great lunch feed, my little boy opened his mouth and HURLED!! It was the worst vomiting episode he had had to date and felt so bad for him that I started to tear up!

Any tips on making this easier for him would be so very appreciated...we need help! :)

Friday, January 14, 2011

A New Day Has Come


As I write this post, I feel a little foolish at the emotions I am going through. You see, I think my little one has decided to wean himself from nursing. And this makes me incredibly sad.

I know that this day was inevitable. I've been listening to my mum and my sister nag me for the longest time about it. We've been preparing for this for weeks by slowly replacing nursing with bottle feeds. And as of yesterday, we were up to 3 nurses, 2 bottles a day. But today, my little sweetheart refused the breast at each of his nursing sessions. And it broke my heart.

I am not ready.

I used to scoff at stories of women who nursed their children until the kids were three or four. I used to say "Now that woman's doing it for herself, not the child!" When I was pregnant, DH and I had planned to wean by six months so that we could try to conceive again right away. And I always thought I would relish the day when I would "have my body back".

But right now, I'm just incredibly sad.

This is yet another sign that my little guy is growing up. And yes - it was bound to happen! Don't all children grow up? Don't we want them to be independent? Shouldn't we be proud of the various milestones they reach?

Yes, of course.

But I feel as though time is zooming by. I feel as though this is the only chance I'll have to enjoy these things. I feel as though I won't get to have that same closeness with my son again. Even though I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, I do.


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Who Will Look After My Baby?

No more burying my head in the sand.

It's time to take a serious stab at finding childcare for my son, as the time for me to return to work approaches...

And as I write this entry, I feel as though I might burst into tears.

Right now, I cannot fathom leaving him with anyone else. Who will sing to him before his nap, or read his favourite books to him while he snuggles with his blankie? What if he gets hurt? What if someone's mean to him? What if he doesn't eat his lunch or drink his milk? Who's going to love him the way that I do?

I've looked into several dayhomes in the area, and none of them seem like a good fit. DH is hesitant to hire a nanny because of the costs and logistics involved. He also does not want to burden my parents with looking after him. And as I type this, he is sitting across from me in our office, doing his own "research" at his computer, because he thinks he can come up with better options than I have. Hmph. Let him try. He'll come up empty handed, just as I have...

It makes me so sad to think that I won't be here for Mason during the day, and it'll be hard for him to understand.

I never thought that I would feel this way - but right at this moment, I do not want to return to work. Because if I do - who will look after my baby?