Saturday, July 31, 2010

Is "One" Really the Loneliest Number?

Right now, it's 8:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning and I am one-finger typing. My little lovebug is sitting on my lap, happily chewing on his hands and kicking his legs. Oh, there's an occasional spit-up or two as well...but he is content. Daddy is still asleep and Mommy is waiting for the washing machine to finish (loose diaper in the middle of the night = soaking wet sleepsack...which my son can't sleep without!) And when the house is quiet like this, my mind starts to wander to the one thing that has been troubling me of late...

What about #2?

Seems ridiculous to even think about this right now, given all of the problems we have had and the fact that our little one is only 4 and a half months old. I feel greedy even allowing the thought to enter my head. I feel as though I have no right to think about this, because unlike many others, I won my hard fought battle...with the ultimate prize...

But time slows down for marches on and on, in my case leaving its nasty imprint on my ovaries and eggs. For someone whose infertility issues are related to egg quality, time is an unwelcome entity.

DH and I have talked about it - he seems less concerned than I. While he's never actually said it aloud, I believe that he would be happy with having one child in our lives. He has said he's not sure if he wants to do another IVF - to see me go through it all again. He's told me not to obsess about getting pregnant again; to relax and take it one day at a time. He has said, "We never even thought we could be parents to one - but here we are. We should be happy." And it's not that I'm unhappy (oh, God, on the contrary...everyday that I look into my lovebug's eyes I feel more than happiness than I could ever imagine...). It's just that there is so much love in our little family that I want to be able to share it with another child. Is that selfish of me?

So here I am, wrestling with the pros and cons of having a one-child family. There are definitely some pros - more time and resources to spend on our little lovebug, which means exposure to so many more opportunities. But will he be lonely? Will he turn out spoiled? Is he going to turn into a little adult, incapable of relating to peers his own age? Will we have a hard time explaining to him why he can't have a little brother or sister?

In my mind, I know that I shouldn't be wasting my time worrying about this. Realistically, I truly should feel happy, satisfied, and fulfilled. I have one happy, healthy baby.

But this lurks in the recesses of my mind every now and then...

Wouldn't it be great if I had two?

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Life Day

Yesterday was a special day for us. Last July 14th was the day that our sweet baby boy was conceived. It was a day filled with anxiety and fear, then joy and hope - we didn't know what to expect with the egg retrieval and, truth be told, I went in with low expectations so that I wouldn't once again be devastated. But on this day, one year ago, the embryologist told us that our eggs looked good. And then our baby was created.

A gal whose blog I used to follow called this day "Life Day" - the day that her baby was given life. This has always stuck with me - and now, here I am, celebrating our own life day with a beautiful four month old baby boy. I can't believe that it's been a year! It definitely seems like yesterday that we were on that rollercoaster...the ups and downs seemed neverending. But the end result was worth the tumultuous ride.

Mason continues to amaze us each day. He learned to roll over from his back to his front on Canada Day, while on a visit to his Granny and Grampa's in Kelowna. We had him sleeping in the Kidco Pea Pod (a travel bed that looks like a miniature tent) - and at the end of one of his afternoon naps, I found him face down on the carpet of the guest room at my in-laws'...he had rolled out of the tent!! Poor little guy was wailing and flailing his little arms...he has since learned to better control the rolling, and is just beginning to get the hang of rolling back onto his back. It has been a worrisome couple of weeks, though, with Mason rolling onto his tummy to sleep. The first couple of nights were pretty much sleepless for me - I was constantly waking up to check on him. But according to the many "experts" (read: Mommies) on "Dr. Google", there isn't anything to worry about - as long as the crib is empty of all blankets, bumper pads and toys. It seems that if a baby is old enough to roll, he is old enough to stay safe.

I love when he keeps me company during the day. My favourite thing to do is to place him in his Bumbo chair and situate him in the kitchen so that he can watch me cook. He coos and gurgles and we have really great conversations while I'm preparing dinner! He is such a little lovebug, and as time goes on and he becomes more interactive, I find myself falling more and more in love (if that is possible!)

Sigh. Happy Life Day, my sweetie. Although you don't know it, you have filled our lives with amazing sunshine and happiness. We love you!