Friday, December 26, 2008


For all of you wonderful women out there who were sending along your positive thoughts and prayers, thank you.

But the fight was too hard for our little Nemo. We tested this morning with a negative result.

It's time to regroup - yet again.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Our Little Nemo

Remember the opening scene of Finding Nemo - when Coral and Marlin are revelling in their new home and their soon-to-be-born children, then the evil shark comes by and attacks it all? There is one tiny little egg left at the bottom of the ocean - and Marlin scoops him up and says "I'll never let anything happen to you..."

Well, we have our own little Nemo.

Yes, I know, I know - how corny can you get, right? But that is exactly how we feel about this little embie that is now (hopefully!) nuzzling in inside of me.

We did our transfer yesterday afternoon, and we were so anxious that we could hardly stand it. The clinic had said the day before that if something were to happen between Day 2 and Day 3, they would call us to cancel the transfer. So when the call didn't come yesterday, I let out a deep breath and prepared myself for our trip to the clinic.

First order of business - getting all showered and cleaned up without scented products. Embies and scents, apparently, are not a good mix. So no cologne and minimal deodorant for DH and no deodorants, perfumes, body lotions, etc. for me.

Secondly - a full bladder. My appointment was for 1:30 p.m., so my instructions were to empty my bladder at 12:30, then drink two or more glasses of water. Let me tell you - this was waaaay more difficult than having a scentless body. Normally, I have a pretty strong bladder - but the mere thought planted in my head that I was drinking all of that water and couldn't pee it out was making me anxious - thereby, exacerbating the "I have to go!!!!" feeling...

We checked in to the clinic right on schedule, and while I was sitting in the waiting room with DH, I was in immense pain. I hobbled over (literally - no exaggeration...) to the receptionist and begged her to ask the nurse if I could pee just a tiny bit. She told me to go immediately, I was able to make my way over the bathroom for some sweet relief.

When I got back out, DH had already been taken into the procedure room to get changed, so I joined him. After getting changed into a hospital gown (and DH into scrubs), and after some paperwork, we were ready to go - except for one small problem.

I could still barely sit, my bladder was hurting so badly.

The nurse noticed and told me my bladder shouldn't be full to bursting! She gave me a specimen cup to fill - instructions were to fill it twice - and then stop. I can't tell you what a relief it was that I was able to do that!!!

Okay - now on to the good stuff!

We entered the transfer room and the RE said "We've got an embryo needin' a home right now!" and the embryologist said "Yeah, and it's a big one!" I couldn't believe my ears. Big? What did she mean?

Apparently, our embie had been working hard all night long, and as of transfer, was at 12 cells. She brought over a black and white photo for us to keep, and I couldn't believe my eyes. There was our little Nemo - a cluster of cells. Very little fragmentation, and nice, round cells. I almost burst into tears. With all of our worries that this little guy wouldn't make it past Day 2, this was what we were presented with. It really was a miracle.

We got to watch on the ultrasound screen as they placed our embie into my uterus. It was magical, and a moment that I will never forget. DH was so moved that he started to tear up. He held my hand tightly, and at that moment I felt such a peace going through my body that I knew everything was going to be alright.

We asked the RE and embryologist some questions about the fact that our little guy was at 12 cells - is this a disadvantage? Is there much fragmentation? What grade would you give this embryo? For the most part, the answers satisfied us. Although 8 cell embryos are the ideal, this one still has potential (according to the RE). The embryologists said that there was a little bit of fragmentation, but that some had already been removed while they were doing the assisted hatching. She gave the embryo a Grade B - not perfect, but not bad, either.

The transfer was followed up with some rest, and then it was time to take Nemo home. We were so thankful and so happy - I think we floated on cloud nine for the rest of the day.

And so the wait begins...with our little Nemo.

We continue to pray and thank God everyday for this miracle and opportunity. We know that we're not out of the woods, yet, but we remain hopeful and optimistic. I have looked at the picture a million times already - wouldn't it be wonderful if the next picture of Nemo was an ultrasound one?

I really need to thank all of the wonderful girls out there that have supported me and continue to support me through all of this - I can't even begin to tell you how tremendous it has been to turn to you for advice and encouragement when things seem to be negative at every turn.

Please continue your prayers...

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Two for Two

Day Two - and our little guy has divided into two cells!!!
God has blessed us and continues to answer our prayers...
Keep fighting, little one!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Rotten Eggs

Well, I survived the egg retrieval yesterday morning - and was actually rather impressed with the care and attention that I received from my RE and the nurses at the clinic. Beyond all, I was nervous about two things - the dreaded IV and the number of eggs they would be able to extract. My RE very kindly placed the IV into the crook of my arm (so it really wasn't any worse than having a blood test), but the whole egg situation did not go as smoothly...

Once the drugs started, I was definitely feeling loopy - but could still feel some pain. However, after I (very loudly) yelped in pain, the nurse upped the dose of pain meds and I was feeling fine. The RE emptied the first follicle, handed the embryologist the tube, and about thirty seconds later, the embryologist yelled back "I don't see anything." Alright; on to follicle #2 then. Once that got drained and sent back to the embryologist, it wasn't before long when she called out, "Nothing." Imagine my panic during this whole thing - there I was, completely doped up, spread-eagled on the operating table, and all I am hearing is that they aren't getting anything out of my follies!!!

At this point, the RE requested that the embryologist test the follicular fluid for traces of HCG - if there was no trace, then this would have been indicative that the eggs did not release from the follicle walls and therefore there was no point in going any further. About five minutes later, we determined that there was HCG in the fluid, so the RE pressed on...

We finally got an egg out of follicle #3, to which the lovely nurse next to me applauded and whispered "Yaaaaay!" in my ear. At this point, I was really out of it - and panicked. But when all was said and done, I discovered that they were able to get six eggs in total from my follies.

Whilst in the recovery room, the embryologist came by to give us the news - out of the six eggs, three were borderline mature, and three were flat-out immature. She explained that she would have to clean off the "accessory cells" in order to determine if my borderlines were indeed mature, and that they would do their best to ICSI the maximum number that they could.

I spent the night in a fair amount of pain, and in a fair amount of tears. And I did a lot of praying.

Bright and early this morning, the embryologist from the clinic called to deliver even more bad news - out of the six eggs, three were mature, but only one fertilized. And he told me that we are dealing with a very "serious egg issue..."

So many questions are racing through my mind. How could this be? Why did we not know that I have rotten eggs? I had worked so hard to grow my little eggies - and had done everything that I was expected to. How can this be fixed? Can this be fixed? And the ultimate question - Why me?

All we can do now is pray for our one little embryo - pray that he's a little fighter and that he'll make it to transfer. All I am asking for is this one chance to be a mom.

Just this one chance.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Trigger Happy

Well, folks - here I am, standing at the precipice of what will be one of the most important things that I will ever do in my life.

Sadly, since my last posting, I have not had any improvements in the number of follicles that we will be working with. I have six follicles, all ranging in size from 0.8 to 1.9 (as of yesterday morning). Two smaller ones have popped up, but are definitely not large enough to make the cut. I had one more night of stims, and am poised to "pull the trigger" (HCG shot) this evening at 10:00 p.m.

I am trying my very best to remain positive, hoping for at least 3 mature eggs that will fertilize. I have to admit, it hasn't helped for me to maniacally read various posts on internet forums from other women about the low numbers they have and their subsequent disappointments. I have been doing a lot of praying, and trying to do some positive meditations...I have been on the brink of tears a couple of times this week, but for the most part, I am managing to hang in there.

The RE that did my ultrasound yesterday said that it wouldn't be unreasonable to transfer three embies - all, of course, dependent upon the condition of the embies. Here's hoping that I actually have three to transfer!!

I'll post again post-retrieval, to let you know how I survived the procedure. Wish me luck, all!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Party Pooper

Every kid's biggest nightmare is that no one will show up at their party. The invitations are sent, the balloons are all shiny, the chips and pop are out on the table, ready to be devoured. But what if only a handful of children show up - not even half of what's expected? It's the stuff that therapy sessions are made of...

Well, welcome to my life.

Yes, I had the ultrasound today - and not even half of what I expected showed up for the festivities.

Today's ultrasound showed that I have a whopping SIX follicles. Now, for those of you that have been following our plight, you will know that in my last cycle, I only had FIVE follicles. Hence, the conversion to an IUI, which led to the BFN, which led to the BCP, which led to the S-I-X. As the nurse describes it, my ovaries obviously don't want this as badly as I do. They are acting like they are 50 years old. They are lazy. They've retired to Florida. No wonder they didn't show up to party.

DH and I were hoping for - expecting, really - at least eight to ten follicles. Given the fact that I am maxed out on meds right now, you'd think my ovaries would be traumatized into producing more follicles! But nope - not my ovaries. They are giving me the royal f-you. "Pump us full of drugs, eh? Well, we'll show you!!"

The RE tells me that there's hope - it's still early in the cycle, he tells me. There's a chance that more will come, he offers. Then he patted my foot gently and told me to hang in there. What choice do I have?

DH and I decided over the weekend that we are going to go for it this cycle - even if we ended up with the same number of follicles as last time. It only takes one. So I am going to continue my stims for as long as the RE tell us to, then we are going to close our eyes and go on a wing and a prayer.

It only takes one. Just one.