Tuesday, October 2, 2012

The Beginning of a Sweet Ending...

I've come back to visit my sweet little blog so many times in the last year, willing myself to take the time and write an update or two about my crazy life.  And for some odd reason, nothing comes out, despite the fact that my fingers are steadfastly poised on the keyboard, ready to explode into action.  Why is that?  Is it because I don't have the time?  Is it because I have nothing to say?  Is it because my life is dreadfully boring?

As I pondered this, I came to realize that on a deeper level, this blog was a means of emotional expression for me at a time when my life was thrown into absolute chaos.  A time when nothing was happening the way it was "supposed to".  A time when I needed to send my thoughts into the abyss, in hopes that someone, somewhere out there, could relate to what I was going through and connect with me.  This blog was the only way that I could try and express some of the sadness that seemed never-ending, and then finally, the happiness that overflowed from my heart.  It was a place where I tried to make logical many of the things that I felt did not make sense at all in my life.  A place where I could share both my sorrow and my  joy.  But now that I find myself at peace, and content, I find myself no longer seeking this place to run to...

So this post, dear friends, is the beginning of a sweet ending for me.

M is now two and half - an amazing little boy who makes my heart smile from the moment he wakes up to the minute he falls asleep.  He is incredibly verbal, and one of my favourite things is to have long conversations with him.  Just to give you an example of his insights - the other day when we were getting ready to head off to his dayhome, he very solemnly said to me, "Mama, the monkey wasn't nice to Woody" (in reference to a scene in Toy Story 3...) and I agreed.  He then sadly shook his head and said, "Mama, that is not acceptable."   This little boy will say to me, "Mama, don't sleep too close to the edge or you'll fall!" if we are cuddling in my bed together on a lazy Sunday afternoon.  He can tell me all about cranes and dump trucks and bobcats and fire engines.  He can recite favourite stories off by heart (he knows every single word of "The Very Hungry Caterpillar", and can tell the whole story to his little baby sister...).  M can count to twenty, knows all of his colours and shapes, and can spell his own name.  But beyond the "academia", my favourite thing about M is that he loves.  He loves his little sister and his mama and papa. He is free with his hugs, loves to share, and is always asking others if they are okay.  He is fun-loving but gentle, and would never hurt a fly.  My baby boy is special.

We welcomed a baby girl into our house at the end of July - and life has been a happy kind of crazy for us!  Born 3 weeks early, our sweet baby angel is just like her brother was - sweet, content, and full of smiles.  She came into this world fast and furious - 17 minutes after I arrived at the hospital!  She is a little character, and we couldn't love her more. She just got her first set of vaccinations this morning, and pulled through like a little trooper.  I had forgotten how wonderful this newborn stage was - marvelling at the tiny little fingers and toes; changing diapers a million times a day; being excited at the first smile.  The best part?  Nursing her in the middle of the night, stroking her tiny face, and knowing that in that moment it is just her and I - together.  A special time to enjoy one another without any outside interferences or distractions.  Just Mama and Baby.

So why is this the begining of a sweet ending?

Because I am going to close this chapter in my life and with it, the doors on this blog.  Our little family is now complete, and I can finally put the angst of infertility behind me, and concentrate on the sweet little endings that we were able to have.  I am going to print out this blog, bind it with ribbons, and put it somewhere special.  Though these past few years have been both trying and amazing for me, it is time to move on and concentrate on creating other kinds of memories for both me and my family.

To my dear cyberfriends who have kept up with this blog and whose stories I have also enjoyed reading - please know how much your support has meant to me.  I will continue to follow your blogs and send along my silent hugs and prayers for all of your successes.  If any of you are reading this entry, please post a comment to let me know how you are doing.  I will check back and follow up with you.


Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Where Has My Little Baby Gone?

In just one short month (plus 3 days!), my little baby will be two years old. Two years old. Where has my little baby gone?

M is such a character now - and such a delight. Sometimes when I am having a sweet little conversation with him, or I watch him play, I get incredibly overcome by love for him. Each day he shows me something new, and each day I am in awe of how quickly he has absorbed everything around him...

My little guy can count to fifteen, and is starting to demonstrate that it's more than rote counting (he is beginning to demonstrate what is called "one-to-one correspondence" - corresponding objects to the number). For example, he can count each step as he goes up the stairs for bedtime, and he can count out a certain number of Cheerios for me. He loves to be read to, and can ask for certain books at bedtime by their title. He's even memorized the first line of one of his books, and sometimes recites it before I even start! He's goofy and silly and loves to play with his daddy and his grandparents - and has learned to clown around and make silly faces so that they laugh. He is the life of our party.

And he is about to become a big brother. Sigh. Where has my little baby gone?

And an update on our little bean....

I'm thirteen weeks pregnant as of today...and so far, the pregnancy has been smooth. We went for our First Trimester Screen on Friday (nuchal translucency ultrasound and bloodwork) and got excellent results back (negative screen for trisomy 21, 13 and 18), so chances appear slim to none that our little bean has any chromosomal issues. I was on pins and needles prior to this - our age and the cause for our infertility did not escape me, so I was worried about the results. I'm pretty sure we aren't going to take it any further (i.e. amniocentesis), but I'll have to sit down and talk with DH about it all. I have a pretty big bump - similar in size to when I was 4 months pregnant with M - so it's certainly hard to hide the pregnancy. Not that I've tried - I'm pretty overjoyed and want everyone to know it!!

We're looking forward to our next u/s, when we'll find out the sex of the baby. A little boy would bring a ton more energy into the home (more than there already is with M and his rowdy papa...could I possibly handle it?), but a little girl would bring such sweetness. Either way, we feel so blessed and couldn't ask for anything more than for it to be happy and healthy...

Thursday, January 5, 2012

The First Ultrasound - 7w5d

Christmas came and went, and I must say - I am suffering a slight case of the holiday blues. I think that this is due in large part to the fact that I worked up until the 22nd and didn't really have a lot of time to prepare for Christmas! By the time work was over, the in-laws invaded, I was in a mad rush to do all of my Christmas shopping, wrapping, and cooking. Then before I knew it - it was over!

It was still magical for our little M - very different from his first Christmas, as his awareness was so much more heightened! Although I was worried, we had no problems with the Christmas tree - M admired it, pointing and saying "Cwismas tree!", but he didn't pull anything off or touch anything on or under it. He was absolutely adorable when it came to Santa Claus! Whenever anyone asked him, "What does Santa say?", M would lower his voice (to make it sound husky) and go "Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!" Pure joy. He had a ton of fun with his grandparents and cousins, and was simply spoiled. Everything that I would want Christmas to be for my baby boy.

We managed to get our first u/s squeezed in during the holidays, although not without a bit of hassle. The fertility clinic called on the 23rd to say that an error had been made in our booking, and instead of the 28th, we were scheduled for an appointment on the 5th of January. That really ticked me off - I was so anxious to see a little heartbeat and know that our little embie was snuggled in, safe and sound. So I spoke with my RE and she managed to squeeze us in at the clinic for an impromptu u/s on the 2nd.

So here are the deets - at 7w5d, our little embie was measuring ahead of schedule at 8 weeks. Its heartbeat was 170bpm, and according to our RE, everything looked "Beautiful!" I was so relieved and we feel so blessed.

I am already starting to show - quite a bit. Not sure if it's bloating from the drugs or just a total lack of tummy muscles, but this one's gonna be hard to hide. So I just decided that when I return to work next Monday and hold my first staff meeting of the year, I'm just gonna announce that there's a bun in the oven...no point in fanning the rumour fires.

Sigh. We are so very, very lucky - this thought never escapes me, not even for a minute. To go from being told that we had a less than 5% chance of conceiving our own child (even through ART) to now becoming a family of four...thanks be to God.