Well, it seems that I am doing okay. Some might even say, I'm doing well. In these past weeks, I have laughed at silly jokes and caressed a baby's cheek. I have made accomplishments at work, and made meals to fill our bellies. I have lunched with girlfriends and dined with my sister. Yes - I am doing okay.
I strongly believe that I have made it through what I consider to be the darkest hours of my life because of my faith in God. Funny - growing up, my family attended church on and off, but I would never have considered myself a very religious person. However, I have always believed that there is a divine Plan for me - a path that God has set me upon. And I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, even if it doesn't make sense. At many points in my life, God answered my prayers. And I have to believe that God was listening when I prayed for my little embryo - because I prayed for a healthy baby. Obviously, it just wasn't meant to be.
A colleague of mine sent me a chain e-mail today. Normally, I never perpetuate those things - I usually click "delete" with immediate disgust. But this time, I read it. I wept a little. And then I passed it on. Because the e-mail contained a prayer that is so meaningful to me right now, that I needed to send it back out there, in hopes that it would touch others the way that it touched me. St. Theresa's Prayer reads as follows -
"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."
Reading this prayer filled me with warmth and I realized - if I am to have the strength to continue my fight and the courage to hope again, then I need to find peace in my heart and in my mind. So instead of asking "Why me?", I am going to ask "Why not me?" This will shape who I am, and it will ultimately make me a better person and a better mother.
The instructions on the e-mail were to make a wish, read the prayer, then send it along to 12 other women. Simple instructions to follow, so I did it. Can anybody guess what my wish was?