I've come back to visit my sweet little blog so many times in the last year, willing myself to take the time and write an update or two about my crazy life. And for some odd reason, nothing comes out, despite the fact that my fingers are steadfastly poised on the keyboard, ready to explode into action. Why is that? Is it because I don't have the time? Is it because I have nothing to say? Is it because my life is dreadfully boring?
As I pondered this, I came to realize that on a deeper level, this blog was a means of emotional expression for me at a time when my life was thrown into absolute chaos. A time when nothing was happening the way it was "supposed to". A time when I needed to send my thoughts into the abyss, in hopes that someone, somewhere out there, could relate to what I was going through and connect with me. This blog was the only way that I could try and express some of the sadness that seemed never-ending, and then finally, the happiness that overflowed from my heart. It was a place where I tried to make logical many of the things that I felt did not make sense at all in my life. A place where I could share both my sorrow and my joy. But now that I find myself at peace, and content, I find myself no longer seeking this place to run to...
So this post, dear friends, is the beginning of a sweet ending for me.
M is now two and half - an amazing little boy who makes my heart smile from the moment he wakes up to the minute he falls asleep. He is incredibly verbal, and one of my favourite things is to have long conversations with him. Just to give you an example of his insights - the other day when we were getting ready to head off to his dayhome, he very solemnly said to me, "Mama, the monkey wasn't nice to Woody" (in reference to a scene in Toy Story 3...) and I agreed. He then sadly shook his head and said, "Mama, that is not acceptable." This little boy will say to me, "Mama, don't sleep too close to the edge or you'll fall!" if we are cuddling in my bed together on a lazy Sunday afternoon. He can tell me all about cranes and dump trucks and bobcats and fire engines. He can recite favourite stories off by heart (he knows every single word of "The Very Hungry Caterpillar", and can tell the whole story to his little baby sister...). M can count to twenty, knows all of his colours and shapes, and can spell his own name. But beyond the "academia", my favourite thing about M is that he loves. He loves his little sister and his mama and papa. He is free with his hugs, loves to share, and is always asking others if they are okay. He is fun-loving but gentle, and would never hurt a fly. My baby boy is special.
We welcomed a baby girl into our house at the end of July - and life has been a happy kind of crazy for us! Born 3 weeks early, our sweet baby angel is just like her brother was - sweet, content, and full of smiles. She came into this world fast and furious - 17 minutes after I arrived at the hospital! She is a little character, and we couldn't love her more. She just got her first set of vaccinations this morning, and pulled through like a little trooper. I had forgotten how wonderful this newborn stage was - marvelling at the tiny little fingers and toes; changing diapers a million times a day; being excited at the first smile. The best part? Nursing her in the middle of the night, stroking her tiny face, and knowing that in that moment it is just her and I - together. A special time to enjoy one another without any outside interferences or distractions. Just Mama and Baby.
So why is this the begining of a sweet ending?
Because I am going to close this chapter in my life and with it, the doors on this blog. Our little family is now complete, and I can finally put the angst of infertility behind me, and concentrate on the sweet little endings that we were able to have. I am going to print out this blog, bind it with ribbons, and put it somewhere special. Though these past few years have been both trying and amazing for me, it is time to move on and concentrate on creating other kinds of memories for both me and my family.
To my dear cyberfriends who have kept up with this blog and whose stories I have also enjoyed reading - please know how much your support has meant to me. I will continue to follow your blogs and send along my silent hugs and prayers for all of your successes. If any of you are reading this entry, please post a comment to let me know how you are doing. I will check back and follow up with you.