Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I'm Not Used to Failing Tests.

In fact, I was an honour roll student for most of my schooling years. The lowest mark I ever got was a C+ (university Spanish - que pasa?). I was a teacher's pet. So why, can somebody explain to me, have I consistently failed pregnancy tests?!? What is it about the discipline of conception that continues to challenge me? Why am I the class failure when it comes to getting knocked up?!?

Yes, I took a home pregnancy test on Monday morning (14 dpiui) and it came back negative. I spent most of the day crying and obsessing about what I could have done wrong. It certainly looked good on paper, didn't it - 5 follicles, probably just as many eggies, and more than 8 million spermies swimming to meet them. What was it about the sperm that my eggs didn't like? Was it the hair? The cars they were driving? Bad pick-up line? Something must have turned them off, because none of them were willing to let a spermie penetrate. So here I am today - a failure at the pregnancy game, now with cramping and some spotting to boot.

I just don't know how much more I can take. I spent a period of time yesterday in paranoic fear that if the IUI didn't work, then perhaps an IVF won't either. What then? Could I accept a life without biological children? What had I done to deserve this and what can I do to make things right?

Then I spent a period of time berating myself for the self-pity party. I know that there are other brave, strong ladies out there that have had it much worse. But it doesn't make my pain any better. It just really, really hurts to know that yet another attempt has failed. I want to be a mom so bad - when will all of the studying that I have done pay off?


Anonymous said...

Springroll- that really sucks, and I'm sorry. My last IUI was like that- probably three or four eggs (possibly five), and 80 million swimmers, and yet a BFN. It really does rock your world.

I completely understand the mental leap of "if this didn't work, will IVF work?". Sometimes it helped me to try and think of each new treatment plan as a fresh start- but that could just be assvice. Good luck with the next cycle. BIG hugs.

zabe77 said...

I'm so sorry sweetie. Sending you lots of hugs.

CJDR said...

I'm so sorry.
I wish I could do something that could take this pain away. I'm here whenever you need to talk...
((big hugs))

Jennielynn said...

Oh Springroll, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Keep your chin up and sending big hugs your way!