Saturday, July 31, 2010

Is "One" Really the Loneliest Number?

Right now, it's 8:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning and I am one-finger typing. My little lovebug is sitting on my lap, happily chewing on his hands and kicking his legs. Oh, there's an occasional spit-up or two as well...but he is content. Daddy is still asleep and Mommy is waiting for the washing machine to finish (loose diaper in the middle of the night = soaking wet sleepsack...which my son can't sleep without!) And when the house is quiet like this, my mind starts to wander to the one thing that has been troubling me of late...

What about #2?

Seems ridiculous to even think about this right now, given all of the problems we have had and the fact that our little one is only 4 and a half months old. I feel greedy even allowing the thought to enter my head. I feel as though I have no right to think about this, because unlike many others, I won my hard fought battle...with the ultimate prize...

But time slows down for marches on and on, in my case leaving its nasty imprint on my ovaries and eggs. For someone whose infertility issues are related to egg quality, time is an unwelcome entity.

DH and I have talked about it - he seems less concerned than I. While he's never actually said it aloud, I believe that he would be happy with having one child in our lives. He has said he's not sure if he wants to do another IVF - to see me go through it all again. He's told me not to obsess about getting pregnant again; to relax and take it one day at a time. He has said, "We never even thought we could be parents to one - but here we are. We should be happy." And it's not that I'm unhappy (oh, God, on the contrary...everyday that I look into my lovebug's eyes I feel more than happiness than I could ever imagine...). It's just that there is so much love in our little family that I want to be able to share it with another child. Is that selfish of me?

So here I am, wrestling with the pros and cons of having a one-child family. There are definitely some pros - more time and resources to spend on our little lovebug, which means exposure to so many more opportunities. But will he be lonely? Will he turn out spoiled? Is he going to turn into a little adult, incapable of relating to peers his own age? Will we have a hard time explaining to him why he can't have a little brother or sister?

In my mind, I know that I shouldn't be wasting my time worrying about this. Realistically, I truly should feel happy, satisfied, and fulfilled. I have one happy, healthy baby.

But this lurks in the recesses of my mind every now and then...

Wouldn't it be great if I had two?


Kate said...

I find myself thinking of #2 as well. If we didn't have 4 on ice, I'd be thinking of it even more. For now, DH is overwhelmed and happy with one. I know I'd like K to have a sibling, but am willing to wait a little before planning for an FET.
Good luck talking your DH around! I know I'll be reasonably happy with one healthy child, so if the FETs don't work or I never get to do another round of IVF, I'll be so grateful for what I have. But still, my heart would like another.

zabe77 said...

DH was talking about this the other day. At first he said if we adopted we should only have one, I didn't like that but got used to it, now he seems to really want two. It would be nice to have two but it's so hard... I know single children grow up just fine and ours will have lots of relatives and playmates but I too wish for two, I loved growing up with siblings. At this point I still think a second is unlikely though and as we don't even have one yet, I'll be so grateful to have that one when he's here.