How Did I End Up Here?

I don't really have the answer to that. All I know is that I needed this space in order to collect my thoughts. I have been meaning to do this for so long now; I'm hoping that it will be therapeutic.

Soooo....

Here's my deal. DH and I have been trying now for 20 (count 'em, 20!!) cycles to get pregnant. Even though DH's morphology is a little inconsistent, we have been plunked ever so kindly into the "unexplained infertility" category. My uterus is nicely shaped (thank God! Wouldn't be caught dead walking around with a misshapen uterus!) and my tubes are so slick and clear they could be straws. So what's the problem? How did I end up here?

My last blood serum hcg was on Tuesday - BFN. The IUI nurse at the clinic said it really quickly to me on the phone, like she was scared I would jump through the phone and hit her. "I'm sorry, Springroll, it's a negative." But at first she called me by the wrong name. What?! "Are you sure those are my results?" I ask. "Yes." she replies.

But...but....

But my boobs are just starting to get sore. And I swear I had a metallic taste in my mouth, just last week! And I feel nauseous in the mornings. Are you sure those are my results?

Right before she hung up the phone, she said to me "Remember, God loves you and we love you. It will happen." I sat in my chair in my office and cried.

So now we are on a doctor-imposed two month break from treatments; I'm told this is so that my ovaries don't become used to the clomid or develop cysts. Last week, DH and I met with our RE, who has told us that he recommends we go with IVF/ICSI when our break is over.

Holy crap!!!

Seriously...how did I end up here?