Somedays I get through my day not even giving infertility a second thought - and then suddenly, something happens or someone says something and I feel as though I'm paralysed by its vice-like grip on my life...funny how that happens. "I was minding my own business when suddenly - BOOM! - there it was!! Infertility smacking me across the face!!"
Like the other evening - I was reading some of the other infertility blogs and happened upon a link to a Youtube video called Infertility: Seasons of Hope and Despair (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5GdTEM7Iig) - and watching it made me feel such overwhelming sadness. Not only is the song poignant (Tracy Chapman's "The Promise"), but I was surprised at how many of the images I totally related to. The one that really got me bawling was the picture of a negative HPT - how many times have I seen that over the course of this last year? I told my sister about the video and asked her to watch it - I told her that if she ever wondered what I was going through and was afraid to ask, the video would speak volumes for me. She watched it and cried too. It was definitely a two-hanky night for us.
And today - a good friend of mine (whose due date was last Sunday) called me at work to tell me that she was bored, and that she was completely ready for "this whole pregnancy thing to be finished with". What about those of us who never even get the chance to start?
Sometimes I worry that I am losing my capacity to be happy for others. I am surrounded by pregnant women - and each time I hear another pregnancy announcement, I feel that vice-like grip again...that dull ache...that pang of sadness...and I ask myself the same questions: Why can't that be me? Why does it have to be this hard? What did I do wrong?
Yes, today's entry is all about the one-woman pity-party. Because dammit - I have the right to be sad.
Pass the kleenex, please...