Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Who Will Look After My Baby?

No more burying my head in the sand.

It's time to take a serious stab at finding childcare for my son, as the time for me to return to work approaches...

And as I write this entry, I feel as though I might burst into tears.

Right now, I cannot fathom leaving him with anyone else. Who will sing to him before his nap, or read his favourite books to him while he snuggles with his blankie? What if he gets hurt? What if someone's mean to him? What if he doesn't eat his lunch or drink his milk? Who's going to love him the way that I do?

I've looked into several dayhomes in the area, and none of them seem like a good fit. DH is hesitant to hire a nanny because of the costs and logistics involved. He also does not want to burden my parents with looking after him. And as I type this, he is sitting across from me in our office, doing his own "research" at his computer, because he thinks he can come up with better options than I have. Hmph. Let him try. He'll come up empty handed, just as I have...

It makes me so sad to think that I won't be here for Mason during the day, and it'll be hard for him to understand.

I never thought that I would feel this way - but right at this moment, I do not want to return to work. Because if I do - who will look after my baby?

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh no, I hope you can find a solution that you can be satisfied with. I'm hoping that my sahm-sil will be willing to take in my little one when the time comes (I'd pay her of course). No other option seems good enough, and I don't even have a little one yet! You still have some time though, I hope you find someone wonderful, even if she/he isn't as wonderful as you.
zabe

rescogitatae said...

SR, I seriously believe that pregnancy rewires our brains to change our priorities in life. I was full on devoted to the PhD and getting a proper tenure-track job, and if we'd never got pregnant, that would have stayed my focus.

Now? I seriously think I will be lucky to get the PhD done. All I want to do, when I think about the next few years, is spend it with this much-wanted baby. A friend of mine (who is also a PhD student) feels exactly the same way.

You're in education, if I remember correctly. Does it not seem weird to care for other people's children while someone else cares for yours? That's the big sticking point for me. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Lots of luck. I hope you can find someone with whom you and DH can feel comfortable, even if s/he's not you.