It can only get better from here...

So. No call. Well, actually, there was a call, but it was from me to them. After waiting the requisite 7-10 days and not hearing from my clinic, I decided to give them a call to find out what the heck was going on. And the nurse that I talked to said (with what seemed at the time to be contrived sympathy) "Oh, looks like you missed it this month by three people..."

What?!? Get the f**k out of here!! What do you mean I missed it by three people?!?

Contrary to what the nurse told me last month, I wasn't close enough to the top to be offered treatment this cycle. So now I have to wait yet again. Does the waiting ever end when one has infertility? From my perspective, the answer's a big, fat NO.

So now I am in limbo for the rest of the summer. DH and I were going to plan a big trip; the initial disappointment was replaced with excitement when my hubbie reminded me that now we were free to travel somewhere exotic for the rest of the month. But then reality set in - I have to call in my next cycle (which, the nurse du jour tells me, will be IT - the cycle that I am guaranteed treatment...), then wait for a call back, then go pick up drugs, and then start my suppression. How can I do all of that from Tokyo or Bangkok? It's just not possible.

Having to put your life on hold like this really sucks. Now, I recognize that I am a total control freak, which adds to the frustration. But DH and I have had to deal with so many ups and downs for what seems like a lifetime - it just doesn't seem fair that we have to wait yet another month for our miracle to happen.

A great little gal from the boards over at IVF.ca (who just had her ER, successfully!) encouraged me by telling me - the juice is worth the squeeze. This will have to become my mantra.

After all, it can only get better from here, right?

Update...

Woke up to a little surprise this morning...

Back to Day 1...

Called in to the period hotline - keeping fingers crossed that this is it!!

It's a Mystery

So, I am one of the most faithful basal body temperature takers you will ever come across in your life. For the last two years, I have lived and died by the temperature that I take first thing in the morning. Yes, every morning, between 6:15 and 6:30, my alarm clock sounds and I roll over to pop my little pink thermometer into my mouth. In fact, I can do it with my eyes closed. I have memorized days worth of temps to record on my chart, and these charts have helped me to anticipate everything that my body has thrown my way.

Except for this month.

You see, each month my temperature usually rises to a crescendo, then ten days after ovulation, my temperature takes a dip and I start spotting on that day. Now, every once in a while, the temp drops nine days after ovu, or I don't spot until eleven days after ovu. But still, I know that each time my temp dips, good old af is on her way.

Well, here I am at twelve days post-ovulation, and nothin'. Not a damn thing.

Now here's the mystery:

My temp started dropping two days ago, then dropped again yesterday. But today, it went back up again slightly. And no period. Odd, isn't it?

Now, had this been about a year and a half ago, my heart would be racing and I would be eagerly peeing on an hpt. But not now. Nope. I've seen too many negatives on an hpt to even bother with one anymore. In fact, DH asked tonight if we should take the test, and I told him no. "We've seen our share of negative test results, dear! If my period doesn't come, then let's consider ourselves pregnant, shall we?" I said to him.

I guess only time will tell. Tomorrow morning, I will turn over and pop my thermometer into my mouth again and see what it says. And maybe it will provide me with a clue to this mystery. Or perhaps af will arrive to solve it.

The Call

Well, I never got it. It seems that although I am close to the top of "the list", I am not close enough to be called up for The Big Event. Those of you who know me will know how disappointing this turn of events is for me - had I been called this month to start my IVF cycle, I would be looking at a retrieval and transfer in late July. As it stands now, it looks like I'll be cycling next month, which means a late August retrieval and transfer - right smack dab in the middle of the first week of school.

Now, as a principal, I am going to have a damn hard time begging off the first week of school. What do I tell my boss? Um, excuse me, sir, I have just had a month and a half off of work, but can I please take another week? Oh, that'll look good.

Of course, I could come clean with my boss on what's happening. But I'm still not all that comfortable talking about this to anyone outside of my own family. I have this teeny, deeply seeded fear that it may not work, and I don't exactly want people to be holding their breaths waiting for me to announce that I am pregnant!!

The bright side of it all is that DH and I could possibly go on a romantic trip now...which we had been postponing because we thought we'd be cycling in early July. Booking a trip now would cost an arm and a leg...but wouldn't it be worth it? I need to get away; the stress of year end at work and this whole IF thing is about to kill me.

And while we're on the subject of year end, today was the last day of school!!! Yipppeee!! I have grand plans of doing some gardening and puttering around the house. Man, I love summer.

Geez...what an entry. Filled with completely mundane and random thoughts. But my brain is fried right now and I cannot for the life of me come up with something cohesive and witty.

Perhaps it's time for me to snuggle into bed and watch a little So You Think You Can Dance?

P.S. I'm in the tww again...turns out last month wasn't the last ditch effort month. Since finding out we weren't cycling this month, we tried reeeeeeally hard again. I'm keeping my fingers crossed...

I am so lucky...

My heart goes out to Duck tonight, as my very worst fears are being lived by her right this minute. I stumbled upon her blog a few months back, and being a fellow Canadian, I followed her story and hoped for the best for her. Then, earlier today while I was reading the postings on the ivf.ca boards, I came across an entry by a lady who received the terrible news from her RE today that she will likely never have children. But to add to the sadness, her husband has told her that he does not want to be with her because she cannot give him biological children. This painful entry was written by a lady named Duck. I put two and two together and visited her blog, and my heart broke for her...

For every woman that struggles with infertility, this is a fear that adds to the suffering. I know that I have also worried that my DH will love me less if we aren't able to have a biological family. In fact, one evening while on a long walk, I asked him, "Honey, will you stop loving me if we can't have children?" He told me not to be ridiculous - that he married me, and not an unborn child. That he will love me always. And this made me feel a hundred times better. But each time AF arrives and I have to tell him, my heart breaks a little bit more when I see the disappointment on his face.

My husband has been terrific through our whole battle with infertility. He has held me tight when my spirit has broken. He has wiped away tears and whispered softly, "It's alright." He has told me that it will happen. That soon, we will have our babies. That one day, he will coach our son in hockey, or dance with our little girl. He has checked my fertility monitor and consulted calendars, all in the name of ovulation. He has told me how beautiful I am, even when the fertility drugs blew me up like a balloon. He has gone faithfully with me to most of my appointments, asking all the right questions, and absorbing all of the answers. He has held my hand firmly in his for the past year and half. And for that, I am so grateful and I thank God that I have him.

I Love It...

So today's celebrity headline on the 'net proclaims: "Angelina Jolie has revealed that she can be a strict parent who rewards her kids for good behavior." Oh my God!!! This is late breaking news!!! Can it be?!? A woman actually rewarding her kids for good behaviour?!? And (gasp!) being strict?!? Say it isn't so!!

It just cracks me up that normal, everyday occurences can be magnified and sensationalized a million times over just because they involve celebrities. If I had to create headlines about myself, I think they would say:

"Springroll checks ovulation - pees on stick!"

Or:

"Another negative hpt - Springroll and Husband regroup"

Or possibly:

"A devastated Springroll deals with infertility"

Or hopefully:

"An ecstatic Springroll discovers she's pregnant!"

And I would wear large, mysterious sunglasses in all of the photos, with my long hair loose and flowing. Perhaps I would pose with one or two toddlers of multicultural descent, and wear a long, trendy caftan dress to hide the bump that may or may not be there...

Oh yeah. That's got front page of People Magazine written aaaalll over it...

Last Ditch Effort

Well, we made the old last ditch effort this past week to get pg on our own before we embrace IVF in all its glory...

I ovulated completely early this month - day 9 of my cycle, if you can believe it! Good timing too, as DH had just come back from his business trip (I would have been screwed if it was any earlier...pardon the pun! Ha!) So we did the deed and now we have nothing to do but sit and wait - again!!

Of course, I was wondering if our clinic was going to call us this month to tell us it was "our time" - but no call. I telephoned them to find out where we were on the waiting list, and it turns out we were #28. The nurse figures next month will likely be our month, but it all depends on when all of the girls ahead of me get their period. Seriously, it's like buying a raffle ticket and holding my breath to see if mine gets drawn! However, getting your ticket drawn is a little more painful than a car or a trip for two to Hawaii. In the end, though, the ultimate prize - a baby - is much, much more priceless.

Hmmm...what am I going to rant about today? Could it be the world's worst kept secret - Ashley Simpson's pregnancy??? I don't understand their need to be coy about it all - just give up the goods, for Pete's sake. I tell ya, the day I find out I'm pg, I think I might just jump from rooftop to rooftop, shouting it out at the top of my lungs. Of course, this is just because of the long journey it will have taken to get there; I know that many women do want to wait to announce it, just to be on the safe side. I respect that, too. But puhlease...totally different with Ashley Simpson. I think that it was all drawn out to get more attention - after all, her career isn't exactly taking off like a rocket. Anything for more press, right?

Okay, enough of that. Maybe I'm just tired of hearing about all of these celebrity babies! But like everyone else, I guess they are totally entitled to their moments of mommy-to-be glory...