Thanksgiving Musings

Where do I even begin to outline all of the reasons that I am thankful this year?

Let's start with the obvious -

I am thankful for my little lovebug. It seems like a light-year ago that DH and I were yearning for a sweet-smelling, squirmy little baby to hold in our arms. And here we are - our hard-fought battle has been won and we are now busy changing diapers, singing nursery rhymes, mixing rice cereal and tickling toes. In all of the ways that we are thankful this year, we are most grateful that God answered our prayers and brought us our son. If we never received another gift for as long as we live, I think we would be okay - each day with our son is a gift to us now.

I am thankful for my husband. He is not perfect - and neither am I. But he is my rock. He is my best friend, the greatest daddy and a fine man. He makes my little boy's eyes light up just by walking into the room. He stood by and supported me through the darkest times of my life, always making me feel loved. I really am a lucky girl.

I am so very grateful for my family. My parents - where do I begin? They are amazing. They love me with their whole hearts - I feel it in everything that they do for me. They have encouraged me and helped me with so many things - I know that I can always count on them, and I can only hope that they feel the same way about me. My mom comes over once a week to help me give Mason one of his baths...this is their special bonding time. She saves up all of her special cuddles and snuggles for her littlest grandson. She never criticizes me, and always give fantastic advice. I couldn't do it without my parents - and especially my mommy.

My sister and her family are also important in my life and I am so glad that they are in it, My sister is my hero - she ran another marathon this weekend and though she did not make a qualifying time for the Boston Marathon (her goal), the mere fact that she trains hard, stays the course, and works toward this goal - no matter the pain - makes her an incredible woman. She has also always been there for me, and I love her for it.

There are some very special friends in my life that I am grateful for as well. These friends listen to me, laugh with me, cry with me and make my life so much richer.

I know that I don't always take the time to think about all of the things that I have, and especially in these last three years everything has seemed overshadowed by our struggles with infertiity. There have been good days, but so many bad...though now that Mason has joined our lives, everything seems so much better that even the bad days aren't that hard anymore.

It's been wonderful to share in Mason's first Thanksgiving. He sat with my sister during dinner and watched every forkful of food going into her mouth (something tells me he's going to be a good little eater!) It's going to be a goal of mine to make every holiday really special for him...to surround him with the love of family...and create memories that will last him (and us!) a lifetime.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

xoxo

Half a Year...A Whole Lotta Love!

My baby turns 6 months old today....where does the time go?

Warning: This blog entry will be a bit "gushy"...yes, I am going to wax poetic about my beautiful, amazing baby boy. Please bear with me, for I am one proud mama...

There are countless ways that Mason brings joy into my life every single day.

In the mornings, I can often hear him babbling to himself happily in his crib (as he waits for me to fetch him, change him and give him breakfast) and it makes me smile. When I pop into his room, bend down beside his crib, peer at him through the slats and greet him, he always gives me the biggest grin. Ahh, my baby is morning person, through and through, and he always starts his days off with a great little attitude.

He is such a little chatterbox now - and lately, his favourite thing to do has been to give "raspberries". He will carry on (what is in his mind) a full conversation with you - he babbles away, pauses to look at you for a response, and then continues. If he is keeping you company while you do some of the more mundane things in life (like cleaning the kitchen or folding laundry) and he feels that you aren't acknowledging his chatter, he will grunt at you and look at you expectantly. Then, when you take the time to respond, he will beam.

Mason is a pro at rolling all around the ground. And when he is on his tummy, you can tell that he is trying hard to move/crawl. It won't be long now when he'll be motoring around...can't wait to see that happen.

He giggles at the cutest things. Like when you say "Mmmm..." or "Boo!" At first, he'll give you a smile...and if you continue with those sounds, he will give you a full-on, full-bellied giggle, that always ends with a squeal! The best giggle that I get is when I nuzzle his soft little neck and shower him with kisses....and oh, how I love to do that...

Mason has a blankie. And he loves it. He will suck on it, rub his little eyes with it, and hug it tight when he is tired. He likes to drape it over himself when he is nursing, and it comforts him when he is crying. He is my little Linus. There are days when we have his blankies all over the house...and when my lovebug is napping, all is quiet, and I am tidying up the place, I love to find his blankies draped here, there and everywhere. I will often hold the found treasures up to my nose and inhale deeply - oh, I just love the smell of my baby...

Mason is an amazingly content, easy baby. He's been sleeping 7 hours through the night since he was 3.5 months old...I know that we are lucky. He knows his nights from his days and is so good with the schedule we have him on. I always feel terribly guilty if I have to stray from it (if, for example, I am having lunch with friends or there is a playdate arranged...) But he seems adaptable, and it doesn't take him long to get him back on track.

Mason has been healthy thus far (...knock on wood). I thank God everyday for blessing us with a happy, healthy child. We leave for the Mayan Riviera tomorrow morning (...speaking of getting him off-schedule...) and I am hoping that his strong immune system carries him through this vacation, incident free.

Happy 6 month birthday, Mason. For a little guy who's only been around for half a year, you sure have brought a whole lotta love into our lives. You have touched our lives and enriched it in ways that you cannot even begin to imagine. Baby, I love you all the way to the moon - and back again.

One...Part Two...

Man, I can't stop thinking about it.

DH and I had the chance to discuss things again last week, and we have decided that I will not be going for another IVF cycle in an effort to conceive a second child. When we look back at everything that it took to have our little Dim Sum, the realization of just how much we went through hits us. Because the main cause of our infertility was egg quality, it took a lot to create a healthy embryo - my poor response to stims, despite the extremely large dosages of drugs I had to inject, was so disappointing. And it's scary to think about the large amount of hormones and drugs that I had coursing through my system (especially estrogen, which I had copious amounts of during this last - successful - cycle). All of that takes such a toll - and with a baby at home to take care of, cycling would be extra difficult....and I want to be able to enjoy every single second with my son. I also want to be around for a long, long time to see my son grow into a man (I have heard that ovulation inductions using fertility drugs, as well as increased exposure to estrogens, are linked to an increased risk of ovarian and breast cancers, respectively). So no, no more IVF for us.

Despite the fact that AF has returned, my cycles are in no way regular yet. This month, I dug out my old friend, Mr. Clearblue Fertility Monitor, to use. Discovered that I ovulated on Day 17 (which is late for me...) and then AF arrived on Day 23. Crap. Obviously it will take a little while for things to balance themselves out again...and hopefully they will. Because au naturel will be the only means by which we will be trying for another little angel.

Does this make me sad? YES. I cuddle my little man everyday and wistfully hope that he gets to be a big brother. I stroke his cheek and will every minute to slow down so that I can enjoy every part of his "babyness". I watch my husband with him and wish that he could be an amazing daddy to more than one child. But at this point in our lives, having been so supremely blessed with our son, I couldn't ask for anything more.

So now I concentrate on making each day count with and for our son. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, I will still know how damn lucky we are...because we have already won the lottery.

Is "One" Really the Loneliest Number?

Right now, it's 8:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning and I am one-finger typing. My little lovebug is sitting on my lap, happily chewing on his hands and kicking his legs. Oh, there's an occasional spit-up or two as well...but he is content. Daddy is still asleep and Mommy is waiting for the washing machine to finish (loose diaper in the middle of the night = soaking wet sleepsack...which my son can't sleep without!) And when the house is quiet like this, my mind starts to wander to the one thing that has been troubling me of late...

What about #2?

Seems ridiculous to even think about this right now, given all of the problems we have had and the fact that our little one is only 4 and a half months old. I feel greedy even allowing the thought to enter my head. I feel as though I have no right to think about this, because unlike many others, I won my hard fought battle...with the ultimate prize...

But time slows down for nobody...it marches on and on, in my case leaving its nasty imprint on my ovaries and eggs. For someone whose infertility issues are related to egg quality, time is an unwelcome entity.

DH and I have talked about it - he seems less concerned than I. While he's never actually said it aloud, I believe that he would be happy with having one child in our lives. He has said he's not sure if he wants to do another IVF - to see me go through it all again. He's told me not to obsess about getting pregnant again; to relax and take it one day at a time. He has said, "We never even thought we could be parents to one - but here we are. We should be happy." And it's not that I'm unhappy (oh, God, on the contrary...everyday that I look into my lovebug's eyes I feel more than happiness than I could ever imagine...). It's just that there is so much love in our little family that I want to be able to share it with another child. Is that selfish of me?

So here I am, wrestling with the pros and cons of having a one-child family. There are definitely some pros - more time and resources to spend on our little lovebug, which means exposure to so many more opportunities. But will he be lonely? Will he turn out spoiled? Is he going to turn into a little adult, incapable of relating to peers his own age? Will we have a hard time explaining to him why he can't have a little brother or sister?

In my mind, I know that I shouldn't be wasting my time worrying about this. Realistically, I truly should feel happy, satisfied, and fulfilled. I have one happy, healthy baby.

But this lurks in the recesses of my mind every now and then...

Wouldn't it be great if I had two?

Life Day

Yesterday was a special day for us. Last July 14th was the day that our sweet baby boy was conceived. It was a day filled with anxiety and fear, then joy and hope - we didn't know what to expect with the egg retrieval and, truth be told, I went in with low expectations so that I wouldn't once again be devastated. But on this day, one year ago, the embryologist told us that our eggs looked good. And then our baby was created.

A gal whose blog I used to follow called this day "Life Day" - the day that her baby was given life. This has always stuck with me - and now, here I am, celebrating our own life day with a beautiful four month old baby boy. I can't believe that it's been a year! It definitely seems like yesterday that we were on that rollercoaster...the ups and downs seemed neverending. But the end result was worth the tumultuous ride.

Mason continues to amaze us each day. He learned to roll over from his back to his front on Canada Day, while on a visit to his Granny and Grampa's in Kelowna. We had him sleeping in the Kidco Pea Pod (a travel bed that looks like a miniature tent) - and at the end of one of his afternoon naps, I found him face down on the carpet of the guest room at my in-laws'...he had rolled out of the tent!! Poor little guy was wailing and flailing his little arms...he has since learned to better control the rolling, and is just beginning to get the hang of rolling back onto his back. It has been a worrisome couple of weeks, though, with Mason rolling onto his tummy to sleep. The first couple of nights were pretty much sleepless for me - I was constantly waking up to check on him. But according to the many "experts" (read: Mommies) on "Dr. Google", there isn't anything to worry about - as long as the crib is empty of all blankets, bumper pads and toys. It seems that if a baby is old enough to roll, he is old enough to stay safe.

I love when he keeps me company during the day. My favourite thing to do is to place him in his Bumbo chair and situate him in the kitchen so that he can watch me cook. He coos and gurgles and we have really great conversations while I'm preparing dinner! He is such a little lovebug, and as time goes on and he becomes more interactive, I find myself falling more and more in love (if that is possible!)

Sigh. Happy Life Day, my sweetie. Although you don't know it, you have filled our lives with amazing sunshine and happiness. We love you!

3 Months!

Happy 3 month birthday, my little Dim Sum! You make Mummy so proud...
xoxo

My LoveBug is Twelve Weeks Old!

Sigh.

Mason is twelve weeks old today. Hard to believe. These past three months have been so amazing - words can hardly describe them. I had heard from so many people that the first six weeks with a newborn is hell - and I can't say that I disagree. But along with that hell came so much love and happiness that the dark days were overshadowed. Then, when we finally got into a groove and everyone got used to each other, each day was a day of discovery (for both Mason and his parents!) He has taught us so many things - about patience and caring, and total, absolute, unconditional love...

Mason's finally reached the start of the "fun point" - he is smiling and cooing and gurgling in response to our interactions with him. He is a happy baby (for the most part...except during nap time!) and for that, we are grateful. And we know that there's more fun around the corner...

Our little guy is ready to move into his own room. Up until this point, we had him in a bassinette beside our bed, and it was so lovely (and comforting) to hear his little sighs and grunts throughout the night as he slept soundly. I'm going to miss hearing it all - even the sound of him unloading into his diaper!! And so will my dear husband; as a matter of fact, he said that other night that he was really going to miss having our son in our room, and that he knows he'll be running into Mason's bedroom to check on him every five minutes! This is a brand new kind of separation anxiety...

In other news, it would appear that my body is ready to make another baby... (hahahahahahaha...*picks self up off floor*). Good old AF showed up on June 1st, amid much confusion (isn't she supposed to stay away for the duration of my breastfeeding days?) My mum actually cautioned me to go on birth control now (again, hahahahahahahaha....) but my husband is thrilled. "We can start trying again!" he exclaimed happily. Um, honey - did someone forget that we are infertile? :)

A special message to all of my special cyberfriends that follow this humble little blog - happy spring! Whatever your circumstance, embrace this season as a time for renewal. Keep your faith. Hang in there. I am sending you hugs...