Friday, May 2, 2008

I'm a Sucker for Punishment!

Okay, just finished cleaning up from a big baby shower that I threw for my friend and former teaching partner (whom I herein will refer to as "FTP"). Now, FTP does sympathize with my IF struggles because she had difficulties as well - it took her 19 months to conceive this baby. She had an undiscovered thyroid issue, and got pregnant the month after starting her thyroid meds. Truth be told, I remain jealous of this - at least she knew why she wasn't getting pregnant, and once it got fixed, boom! She got knocked up. Sigh.

Anyway, so her baby boy was born last month and I - being the sucker for punishment that I am - decide to throw her a baby shower. And you know what? I was feeling really good about it. I collected money from our colleagues for a huge group gift; happily shopped for her prezzie at Babies R Us; wrapped the gifts in beautiful paper; and bought pretty decorations for the big day. I cleaned my house from top to bottom, prepared yummy appetizers and treats, and poured drinks for my guests like Isaac Washington. Man - I was the hostess with the mostest...

And then, I heard it....

FTP was chatting in the corner with a colleague of ours, and this woman exclaimed "Oh, holding a brand new baby! There is no feeling like it..." And I felt like my heart had dropped to the soles of my feet. My eyes started to well up, and I had to leave the room.

What if I never get to experience that feeling? Touch the soft downy hair on my newborn baby's head? Smooth his cheek as he sleeps? Hear his hungry cries and feel his little lips nursing hungrily? Oh God - what if this never happens for me? I can't bear the thought.

As stated in one of my earlier entries, the sorrow of infertility creeps up on you when you least expect it. And when it does, it causes such an ache in your heart, you can hardly catch your breath.

I went back out to the party after settling myself down, and picked up her baby for a cuddle. I stroked his little cheek and touched the soft downy hair on his head and kissed him lightly as he slept.

Then I reached for another devilled egg....

4 comments:

zabe77 said...

Oh sweetie, one day that will be your little one you're holding. I'm sorry it's not now, but I'm greatful for your reminder that I'm not alone in this journey. One day we'll get our baby showers too.

CJDR said...

SR hunny, I'm going to be at your baby shower, and give you the best darned prezzie you could ask for!! Dont worry that time will be soon. Man I better start saving ;)
(((HUGS)))

Jennielynn said...

Hi SR,
You are such a good friend for hosting the shower. And like Zabe77 said ... one day it will be our turn. I had a similar experience. One of my good friends just had a baby and I had a hard time going to see her. Sometimes it is hard to understand why we can't have a baby of our own. Keep your chin up. It will happen soon!!!!

Anonymous said...

Hugs...I know where you are coming from. We may not know the "reason" we are facing IF but we will find a way to beat it!

Babyobessed (forgot my login for this silly thing again;)