It's a Mystery

So, I am one of the most faithful basal body temperature takers you will ever come across in your life. For the last two years, I have lived and died by the temperature that I take first thing in the morning. Yes, every morning, between 6:15 and 6:30, my alarm clock sounds and I roll over to pop my little pink thermometer into my mouth. In fact, I can do it with my eyes closed. I have memorized days worth of temps to record on my chart, and these charts have helped me to anticipate everything that my body has thrown my way.

Except for this month.

You see, each month my temperature usually rises to a crescendo, then ten days after ovulation, my temperature takes a dip and I start spotting on that day. Now, every once in a while, the temp drops nine days after ovu, or I don't spot until eleven days after ovu. But still, I know that each time my temp dips, good old af is on her way.

Well, here I am at twelve days post-ovulation, and nothin'. Not a damn thing.

Now here's the mystery:

My temp started dropping two days ago, then dropped again yesterday. But today, it went back up again slightly. And no period. Odd, isn't it?

Now, had this been about a year and a half ago, my heart would be racing and I would be eagerly peeing on an hpt. But not now. Nope. I've seen too many negatives on an hpt to even bother with one anymore. In fact, DH asked tonight if we should take the test, and I told him no. "We've seen our share of negative test results, dear! If my period doesn't come, then let's consider ourselves pregnant, shall we?" I said to him.

I guess only time will tell. Tomorrow morning, I will turn over and pop my thermometer into my mouth again and see what it says. And maybe it will provide me with a clue to this mystery. Or perhaps af will arrive to solve it.

The Call

Well, I never got it. It seems that although I am close to the top of "the list", I am not close enough to be called up for The Big Event. Those of you who know me will know how disappointing this turn of events is for me - had I been called this month to start my IVF cycle, I would be looking at a retrieval and transfer in late July. As it stands now, it looks like I'll be cycling next month, which means a late August retrieval and transfer - right smack dab in the middle of the first week of school.

Now, as a principal, I am going to have a damn hard time begging off the first week of school. What do I tell my boss? Um, excuse me, sir, I have just had a month and a half off of work, but can I please take another week? Oh, that'll look good.

Of course, I could come clean with my boss on what's happening. But I'm still not all that comfortable talking about this to anyone outside of my own family. I have this teeny, deeply seeded fear that it may not work, and I don't exactly want people to be holding their breaths waiting for me to announce that I am pregnant!!

The bright side of it all is that DH and I could possibly go on a romantic trip now...which we had been postponing because we thought we'd be cycling in early July. Booking a trip now would cost an arm and a leg...but wouldn't it be worth it? I need to get away; the stress of year end at work and this whole IF thing is about to kill me.

And while we're on the subject of year end, today was the last day of school!!! Yipppeee!! I have grand plans of doing some gardening and puttering around the house. Man, I love summer.

Geez...what an entry. Filled with completely mundane and random thoughts. But my brain is fried right now and I cannot for the life of me come up with something cohesive and witty.

Perhaps it's time for me to snuggle into bed and watch a little So You Think You Can Dance?

P.S. I'm in the tww again...turns out last month wasn't the last ditch effort month. Since finding out we weren't cycling this month, we tried reeeeeeally hard again. I'm keeping my fingers crossed...

I am so lucky...

My heart goes out to Duck tonight, as my very worst fears are being lived by her right this minute. I stumbled upon her blog a few months back, and being a fellow Canadian, I followed her story and hoped for the best for her. Then, earlier today while I was reading the postings on the ivf.ca boards, I came across an entry by a lady who received the terrible news from her RE today that she will likely never have children. But to add to the sadness, her husband has told her that he does not want to be with her because she cannot give him biological children. This painful entry was written by a lady named Duck. I put two and two together and visited her blog, and my heart broke for her...

For every woman that struggles with infertility, this is a fear that adds to the suffering. I know that I have also worried that my DH will love me less if we aren't able to have a biological family. In fact, one evening while on a long walk, I asked him, "Honey, will you stop loving me if we can't have children?" He told me not to be ridiculous - that he married me, and not an unborn child. That he will love me always. And this made me feel a hundred times better. But each time AF arrives and I have to tell him, my heart breaks a little bit more when I see the disappointment on his face.

My husband has been terrific through our whole battle with infertility. He has held me tight when my spirit has broken. He has wiped away tears and whispered softly, "It's alright." He has told me that it will happen. That soon, we will have our babies. That one day, he will coach our son in hockey, or dance with our little girl. He has checked my fertility monitor and consulted calendars, all in the name of ovulation. He has told me how beautiful I am, even when the fertility drugs blew me up like a balloon. He has gone faithfully with me to most of my appointments, asking all the right questions, and absorbing all of the answers. He has held my hand firmly in his for the past year and half. And for that, I am so grateful and I thank God that I have him.

I Love It...

So today's celebrity headline on the 'net proclaims: "Angelina Jolie has revealed that she can be a strict parent who rewards her kids for good behavior." Oh my God!!! This is late breaking news!!! Can it be?!? A woman actually rewarding her kids for good behaviour?!? And (gasp!) being strict?!? Say it isn't so!!

It just cracks me up that normal, everyday occurences can be magnified and sensationalized a million times over just because they involve celebrities. If I had to create headlines about myself, I think they would say:

"Springroll checks ovulation - pees on stick!"

Or:

"Another negative hpt - Springroll and Husband regroup"

Or possibly:

"A devastated Springroll deals with infertility"

Or hopefully:

"An ecstatic Springroll discovers she's pregnant!"

And I would wear large, mysterious sunglasses in all of the photos, with my long hair loose and flowing. Perhaps I would pose with one or two toddlers of multicultural descent, and wear a long, trendy caftan dress to hide the bump that may or may not be there...

Oh yeah. That's got front page of People Magazine written aaaalll over it...

Last Ditch Effort

Well, we made the old last ditch effort this past week to get pg on our own before we embrace IVF in all its glory...

I ovulated completely early this month - day 9 of my cycle, if you can believe it! Good timing too, as DH had just come back from his business trip (I would have been screwed if it was any earlier...pardon the pun! Ha!) So we did the deed and now we have nothing to do but sit and wait - again!!

Of course, I was wondering if our clinic was going to call us this month to tell us it was "our time" - but no call. I telephoned them to find out where we were on the waiting list, and it turns out we were #28. The nurse figures next month will likely be our month, but it all depends on when all of the girls ahead of me get their period. Seriously, it's like buying a raffle ticket and holding my breath to see if mine gets drawn! However, getting your ticket drawn is a little more painful than a car or a trip for two to Hawaii. In the end, though, the ultimate prize - a baby - is much, much more priceless.

Hmmm...what am I going to rant about today? Could it be the world's worst kept secret - Ashley Simpson's pregnancy??? I don't understand their need to be coy about it all - just give up the goods, for Pete's sake. I tell ya, the day I find out I'm pg, I think I might just jump from rooftop to rooftop, shouting it out at the top of my lungs. Of course, this is just because of the long journey it will have taken to get there; I know that many women do want to wait to announce it, just to be on the safe side. I respect that, too. But puhlease...totally different with Ashley Simpson. I think that it was all drawn out to get more attention - after all, her career isn't exactly taking off like a rocket. Anything for more press, right?

Okay, enough of that. Maybe I'm just tired of hearing about all of these celebrity babies! But like everyone else, I guess they are totally entitled to their moments of mommy-to-be glory...

It's My Party...

...and I'll cry if I want to.

Well, okay, there was no real party. But DH is out of town on business and last night, I thought I'd indulge myself in a little pity-party. You know the kind - sitting around, feeling sorry for oneself, bawling your eyes out. This month has been hard, but only because I think I had built up expectations following my D&C. I thought for sure that after my polyp had been removed, poof! I would get pregnant. But no such luck.

I watched Seasons of Hope and Despair once again, and even though so many of those images make me cry, it also comforts me. It reminds me that I am not alone in this journey - that there are thousands of others who have also experienced the heartbreak, fear, and sorrow. It's such a lovely video.

After watching this, I happened upon another video, a song called I Would Die for That , which also made me cry. It's sung by a lady named Kellie Coffey, and has some interesting images. While some may feel that she is making a strong anti-abortion statement, I don't believe so. I choose to think of this song as a beautiful expression of the yearning that all of us going through IF can relate to; and towards the end of the video, it's clearly a celebration of life and IF success stories. If you watch it, let me know what you think.

Unfortunately, I am feeling a little defeated and pessimistic right now. I guess I'm just tired, you know? Wishing that it didn't have to be so hard.

Sigh.

The Do's and Don'ts of Having an Infertile Friend...

This entry is written for family and friends, old and new, who may have a sneaking suspicion that DH and I are having problems. It's not easy to admit that this is happening, nor is it easy to talk about. I would like to share with you my innermost feelings so that our relationship might whether this storm - because at the end of the day, you are important to me.

Infertility is a reality for us right now. Some of you might be shocked at the use of this word, but one in six couples experiences infertility - it's more common than you think. When you are around me, please keep the following thoughts in your heart -

Don't ask me if I'm pregnant, or speculate with others. This hurts me more than you could ever know. Plus, it makes me feel fat. When the time comes, I'll share the blessed news. But being asked all the time if I am pregnant is a constant reminder that I am NOT.

Don't feel compelled to share the latest "get pregnant" trick. Believe me, we've tried them all. Putting my feet up. Simultaneous orgasms. Drinking raspberry leaf tea. OPK sticks. Fertility monitors. Pineapple juice. Vitamin B. Acupuncture. Chinese herbs. Cutting out caffeine. Going on a vacation. If I had a dollar for every trick we've tried, we could afford to travel in Europe for the summer.

Don't tell me to relax. Until you've suffered the sorrow of trying fruitlessly for years, you'll never know the anxiety and the stress that yet another period causes. The fear of not being able to have a child can be all encompassing. There's nothing relaxing about seeing everyone around you get pregnant, or attending the tenth baby shower of the year, after having looked at yet another negative HPT. Relaxing is impossible.

Don't tell me I can always adopt. It's easy for many of you to say; you've likely felt the joy of feeling your baby kick you for the first time, or marveled at the way your baby giggles just like his daddy. Your mother has probably said to you "She has her great-grandma's dimples!", or your father has said "He has his mama's temper!" These are the things that I want to experience. Adoption isn't right for everyone.

If you are pregnant, don't tell me that you're ready for it to be over. Right now, I would kill for the chance to have swollen feet or heartburn. I would love to feel the goo of the ultrasound gel on my big belly. I'd revel at being able to actually wear maternity clothes, not just touch them and wish. Don't take for granted your pregnancy - it really is a miracle.

If you are pregnant, please don't share every detail with me. While I really am happy for you, it doesn't help me to hear all about the things that I fear I will never get to experience. Don't tell me that you could feel your baby being conceived, or that your cravings are getting stronger, or that your prenatal yoga classes are making your baby dance in your tummy. It'll just make me feel guilty that I feel sad about your happiness.

Don't tell me that you feel sorry for me when we are at a baby shower. I don't need your pity. I need your understanding. I need your distraction. I need your love and support. I need your shoulder to cry on, or your ear to bend. I need you to be a friend.

Which brings me to the "Do's" of having an infertile friend...

Do ask me how I'm doing and let me know that you are there to listen.

Do give me the time and space to share when I want to, and if I want to. Respect my privacy and refrain from judging.

Do help me by distracting me with your friendship. Meet me for a coffee. Take me window shopping. Gossip with me on the phone. Do everything you can NOT to avoid me. I need your support.

It's as simple as that. Just help me to feel loved right now, because I really need it. This has been one of the most isolating times in my life. And I'm not sure it'll ever be over...