Here You Come Again...

Okay, so I'm laughing inside my head right now, as I sing the old, old song "Here You Come Again" by Dolly Parton. Strange? Yes. Weird? Absolutely. And yet, the lyrics are so fitting - "Here you come again/just when I'd begun to get myself together/You walked right in the door/Just like you've done before/And wrapped my heart 'round your little fingers..."

Who, you may ask, am I referring to?

Why, my friend AF, of course. 'Cept she hasn't wrapped my heart around her fingers in a good way - she' s broken it. She wrapped it around her fingers, crumpled it up, and threw it on the ground. Stomped on it for good measure. And here I am today.

Sigh. Yup - no pregnancy for me this month. After being a day late (and after toying with my emotions a bit), AF decided to wreck the start of my long weekend by showing up yesterday. And after taking a hiatus from crying about it (I haven't cried now for about three months), my husband found me in my den with two big, fat tears creeping down my face.

So what does one do? Regroup, I suppose.

I called in AF to the "period hotline" at my clinic, as I am supposed to do each month while on the IVF waitlist. Don't you love that name? "Period Hotline". Like I'm calling in some criminal that I just witnessed breaking into the local convenience store. When you think about it, AF really is a big, fat lowlife criminal, isn't she? Unfortunately, though, I don't get any kind of reward for calling her in...

DH and I are now grappling with timing for our IVF. See, a lot of the girls that attend our clinic and who have started cycling this month were called off the waiting list after calling in their AF four times. This morning's phone call was number four for me. So if we get called this month, I would be starting drugs in June, with an egg retrieval and embryo transfer in early July. Normally, this would be great news - but I am a school principal, and trying to close out a school year is stressful enough without the help of fertility drugs. DH and I are worried that this will not optimize conditions to make IVF successful. Lots to think about. But I suppose, like all other things that we have had to deal with, we'll get through it...

Off to enjoy the sunshine now - perhaps do some reading and snuggle with my DH. Spend some time thinking about all of the good things that I have in life...

Waiting....again...

Soooo...I haven't posted in a light year, because there really hasn't been much to say. I'm 7dpo right now, having tried with all my might this last cycle to get pregnant naturally (okay, I suppose I didn't do it on my own...DH came along for the ride...pardon the pun! Ha!) I have had twinges and mild cramps all night in my lower left abdomen. This begs the question - is that my uterus twinging? Where exactly is my uterus? Is there a baby burrowing into it right this very moment?

Okay, must distract self...must think happy thoughts...must concentrate on something else...

I must say, in going through all of this IF stuff, I have met some great girls on various boards who have provided me with inspiration, sound advice and the occasional cyber-shoulder to cry on when the going got tough...I'm super grateful for these ladies (some of whom read this little bloggie - so you know who you are!)

A new "cyber-friend", BabyObsessed, has just received the magical call to start her IVF cycle. She's doing her IVF at my clinic, so I can't wait to hear all about it from her. Isn't it great to be able to lean on others, to learn from their experiences, and then to celebrate their victories with them?

Time to sign off, cuddle with DH and catch up on season six of 24.

I'm a Sucker for Punishment!

Okay, just finished cleaning up from a big baby shower that I threw for my friend and former teaching partner (whom I herein will refer to as "FTP"). Now, FTP does sympathize with my IF struggles because she had difficulties as well - it took her 19 months to conceive this baby. She had an undiscovered thyroid issue, and got pregnant the month after starting her thyroid meds. Truth be told, I remain jealous of this - at least she knew why she wasn't getting pregnant, and once it got fixed, boom! She got knocked up. Sigh.

Anyway, so her baby boy was born last month and I - being the sucker for punishment that I am - decide to throw her a baby shower. And you know what? I was feeling really good about it. I collected money from our colleagues for a huge group gift; happily shopped for her prezzie at Babies R Us; wrapped the gifts in beautiful paper; and bought pretty decorations for the big day. I cleaned my house from top to bottom, prepared yummy appetizers and treats, and poured drinks for my guests like Isaac Washington. Man - I was the hostess with the mostest...

And then, I heard it....

FTP was chatting in the corner with a colleague of ours, and this woman exclaimed "Oh, holding a brand new baby! There is no feeling like it..." And I felt like my heart had dropped to the soles of my feet. My eyes started to well up, and I had to leave the room.

What if I never get to experience that feeling? Touch the soft downy hair on my newborn baby's head? Smooth his cheek as he sleeps? Hear his hungry cries and feel his little lips nursing hungrily? Oh God - what if this never happens for me? I can't bear the thought.

As stated in one of my earlier entries, the sorrow of infertility creeps up on you when you least expect it. And when it does, it causes such an ache in your heart, you can hardly catch your breath.

I went back out to the party after settling myself down, and picked up her baby for a cuddle. I stroked his little cheek and touched the soft downy hair on his head and kissed him lightly as he slept.

Then I reached for another devilled egg....

The Waiting Game

I know I said I would post soon after the "Big O" (...no, not orgasm....or ovulation, for that matter...I'm talking about the Big Operation!) but I haven't really had the chance to until now. Let me start off by saying - the surgery was just fine. Of course, I was incredibly nervous and stressed about the whole thing, and as I lay in the OR "waiting area", waiting for the anesthetist to show, I started to cry. I was feeling so lonely because my DH wasn't there to hold my hand. Then I had to snap out of it because the anesthetist showed up - and lo and behold! It was someone that I knew - and he numbed my hand before sticking in the IV. Next thing I knew, I was wheeled into the OR, and then the lights went out...

I woke up an hour later, feeling rather refreshed. My ob/gyn was right - it was like having a couple of martinis and a full body massage!! I am so thankful that I had a fantastic doctor and terrific anesthetist to help me that day.

So now the waiting game begins - I have to figure out my cycles again and patiently wait for my period to come again. I am worried (...okay, when am I not worried?) that my period will be delayed. I am eager for it to arrive, as I have to phone in my period start dates to the clinic whilst I sit on the IVF waiting list. What if a delayed period equals a delayed IVF start date??

I spotted a teeny bit after the surgery for a couple of days, then it stopped. Then it started again. I read somewhere that periods after a D&C can be very, very light - "blink, and you might miss it!" Does the spotting mean that my period has come? Gawd - how tiresome. I hate that I still can't figure out my body.

On other fronts, DH and I remain highly optimistic that we will conceive naturally - some say that fertility increases after a D&C...something about a cleaned-out uterus? In any case, the RE on the Canadian IVF forums board that I also post on tells me that a "successful polypectomy can improve fertility substantially..." and that "an endometrial biopsy or hysteroscopy alone can improve implantation rates in subsequent cycles..." DH and I are really keeping our fingers crossed that this will be the case for us!

Walking the Green Mile...

Twas the night before hysteroscopy and all through my house, my mind is a-whirrin' with all kinds of doubts...

Tomorrow is the Big Day. What "Big Day?" you might ask? The day that I go into the hospital for the very first time in my life to have my hysteroscopy and d&c to remove my little friend, the polyp. They should really call it a "hysteria-oscopy" because I am beside myself with fear. Okay, maybe that's a bit too strong...but I am pretty scared, as I don't know what to expect.

They say that they will be applying a local anesthesia to my cervix. Um - can anyone say "OUCH!"? My gynecologist says that first, they will give me a "wonderful cocktail" of relaxation drugs to calm my nerves. She says I'll probably fall asleep, I'll feel so good. I'm just hoping that she's right. Because if I don't, there really will be mass hysteria in the operating room.

In other news, I found out recently that a friend I met through the bulletin boards on Babycenter.ca is pregnant after her first IVF - and I am so, so thrilled for her! We chatted on the phone last night and she shared her experiences with me to help me understand what to expect. Ashley - if you are reading this, I want you to know that you are my inspiration. You are going to be the best mommy ever!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Well, I suppose I should try and get some rest. I'll likely spend most of the night lying in bed, worrying about tomorrow. I'll post an update when I can...

Gawd!! The Things We Go Through...

Picture this - me, with my sweet little DH in tow (holding a shopping basket), wandering up and down the aisles of Wal-Mart at 10:30 p.m. for half an hour trying to find a box of ovulation sticks to pee on...and coming up empty handed!! Not only were there no ovulation predictor kits to be found, but their entire display of pregnancy tests were missing, too! What was going on?

It turns out that they lock them up for the night when the pharmacist is gone. Yes - I'm sure that there are a lot of drug addicts out there so desperate to know their lutenizing hormone levels that they would steal a box of opks! But the good folks at Wal-mart fooled them, didn't they? And in the process, they chipped away one more piece of one desperate chick's sanity...

So I ended up going to Shopper's Drug Mart. Who charged me $15.00 more than Wal-mart would have (Important tip: Never buy ttc supplies from Shopper's. It's highway robbery.) This upset me so much that it kept me up that night. Now, before you call me neurotic, I just want to say that the reason it kept me up was because, even though it was a small thing, it was just one more thing that underscored how hard this whole ttc thing is for us!! Sigh. The things we have to go through in order to try and have a baby...

Hola!

Well, back from a week of sun and fun with my dearest husband...boy, did we need that break! We stayed at a beautiful 5-star, all inclusive resort - wow, so wonderful. The weather was beautiful, hot, and humid, and the margaritas were cold and sweet. I really did enjoy myself immensely, and even had a few fleeting moments (...just a few, mind you...) when I had actually allowed myself to forget about this whole ttc thing! But as I lay by the pool in the afternoons (in my unsuccessful attempts to turn myself into a bronzed goddess...), I couldn't help but notice the little babies splashing in the children's water park; the little ones screaming in delight as their daddy piggy-backed them in the pool; or the mommies swinging with their toddlers in the hammocks. Dang - should've looked for an adults only resort...

Today is Day 10 of our bazillionth cycle ttc. DH and I attended an Information Evening on IVF right before we left for Mexico. It really helped DH learn a lot about the process and I was glad that our clinic requires attendance from both partners. I knew a lot of what was shared already, but I don't think that DH knew everything that was involved. Now he does. And he said to me on our trip, "Honey, we are gonna try really hard these next few months to get pregnant ourselves, okay?" Oh...well...what have we been doing for the last year and a half? Just practicing?!?

The thing is, I don't think this month will be ours anyway, given the fact that I am scheduled for a hysteroscopy and possible D & C on the 16th - which could conceivably be about 4 days after ovulation (if my body decides to cooperate and go back to its regularly scheduled programming...) I seriously doubt that any implantation could take place, even if fertilization occurred, given the fact that my endometrium (don't you love these technical terms? Oh, so sexy!!) is going to be scraped clean. But I will give it the old college try - because you just never know, right? At this point, I know that anything can happen.

Okay, random thought just entered my head: how about that JLo? I read the People magazine article on her during my vacation and she claims her twins weren't conceived through fertility treatments. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't there quite a bit written about her frustrations and sadness at not being able to conceive? How she tried for years to get pregnant? And we are supposed to believe, that at the ripe old age of 38, she conceived twins naturally?!? Do I sound skeptical? Have I asked enough questions?

Well, I'm off to Walmart to pick up some ovulation sticks...wish I was off to the swim-up bar for another margarita instead...