The Waiting Game

I know I said I would post soon after the "Big O" (...no, not orgasm....or ovulation, for that matter...I'm talking about the Big Operation!) but I haven't really had the chance to until now. Let me start off by saying - the surgery was just fine. Of course, I was incredibly nervous and stressed about the whole thing, and as I lay in the OR "waiting area", waiting for the anesthetist to show, I started to cry. I was feeling so lonely because my DH wasn't there to hold my hand. Then I had to snap out of it because the anesthetist showed up - and lo and behold! It was someone that I knew - and he numbed my hand before sticking in the IV. Next thing I knew, I was wheeled into the OR, and then the lights went out...

I woke up an hour later, feeling rather refreshed. My ob/gyn was right - it was like having a couple of martinis and a full body massage!! I am so thankful that I had a fantastic doctor and terrific anesthetist to help me that day.

So now the waiting game begins - I have to figure out my cycles again and patiently wait for my period to come again. I am worried (...okay, when am I not worried?) that my period will be delayed. I am eager for it to arrive, as I have to phone in my period start dates to the clinic whilst I sit on the IVF waiting list. What if a delayed period equals a delayed IVF start date??

I spotted a teeny bit after the surgery for a couple of days, then it stopped. Then it started again. I read somewhere that periods after a D&C can be very, very light - "blink, and you might miss it!" Does the spotting mean that my period has come? Gawd - how tiresome. I hate that I still can't figure out my body.

On other fronts, DH and I remain highly optimistic that we will conceive naturally - some say that fertility increases after a D&C...something about a cleaned-out uterus? In any case, the RE on the Canadian IVF forums board that I also post on tells me that a "successful polypectomy can improve fertility substantially..." and that "an endometrial biopsy or hysteroscopy alone can improve implantation rates in subsequent cycles..." DH and I are really keeping our fingers crossed that this will be the case for us!

Walking the Green Mile...

Twas the night before hysteroscopy and all through my house, my mind is a-whirrin' with all kinds of doubts...

Tomorrow is the Big Day. What "Big Day?" you might ask? The day that I go into the hospital for the very first time in my life to have my hysteroscopy and d&c to remove my little friend, the polyp. They should really call it a "hysteria-oscopy" because I am beside myself with fear. Okay, maybe that's a bit too strong...but I am pretty scared, as I don't know what to expect.

They say that they will be applying a local anesthesia to my cervix. Um - can anyone say "OUCH!"? My gynecologist says that first, they will give me a "wonderful cocktail" of relaxation drugs to calm my nerves. She says I'll probably fall asleep, I'll feel so good. I'm just hoping that she's right. Because if I don't, there really will be mass hysteria in the operating room.

In other news, I found out recently that a friend I met through the bulletin boards on Babycenter.ca is pregnant after her first IVF - and I am so, so thrilled for her! We chatted on the phone last night and she shared her experiences with me to help me understand what to expect. Ashley - if you are reading this, I want you to know that you are my inspiration. You are going to be the best mommy ever!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Well, I suppose I should try and get some rest. I'll likely spend most of the night lying in bed, worrying about tomorrow. I'll post an update when I can...

Gawd!! The Things We Go Through...

Picture this - me, with my sweet little DH in tow (holding a shopping basket), wandering up and down the aisles of Wal-Mart at 10:30 p.m. for half an hour trying to find a box of ovulation sticks to pee on...and coming up empty handed!! Not only were there no ovulation predictor kits to be found, but their entire display of pregnancy tests were missing, too! What was going on?

It turns out that they lock them up for the night when the pharmacist is gone. Yes - I'm sure that there are a lot of drug addicts out there so desperate to know their lutenizing hormone levels that they would steal a box of opks! But the good folks at Wal-mart fooled them, didn't they? And in the process, they chipped away one more piece of one desperate chick's sanity...

So I ended up going to Shopper's Drug Mart. Who charged me $15.00 more than Wal-mart would have (Important tip: Never buy ttc supplies from Shopper's. It's highway robbery.) This upset me so much that it kept me up that night. Now, before you call me neurotic, I just want to say that the reason it kept me up was because, even though it was a small thing, it was just one more thing that underscored how hard this whole ttc thing is for us!! Sigh. The things we have to go through in order to try and have a baby...

Hola!

Well, back from a week of sun and fun with my dearest husband...boy, did we need that break! We stayed at a beautiful 5-star, all inclusive resort - wow, so wonderful. The weather was beautiful, hot, and humid, and the margaritas were cold and sweet. I really did enjoy myself immensely, and even had a few fleeting moments (...just a few, mind you...) when I had actually allowed myself to forget about this whole ttc thing! But as I lay by the pool in the afternoons (in my unsuccessful attempts to turn myself into a bronzed goddess...), I couldn't help but notice the little babies splashing in the children's water park; the little ones screaming in delight as their daddy piggy-backed them in the pool; or the mommies swinging with their toddlers in the hammocks. Dang - should've looked for an adults only resort...

Today is Day 10 of our bazillionth cycle ttc. DH and I attended an Information Evening on IVF right before we left for Mexico. It really helped DH learn a lot about the process and I was glad that our clinic requires attendance from both partners. I knew a lot of what was shared already, but I don't think that DH knew everything that was involved. Now he does. And he said to me on our trip, "Honey, we are gonna try really hard these next few months to get pregnant ourselves, okay?" Oh...well...what have we been doing for the last year and a half? Just practicing?!?

The thing is, I don't think this month will be ours anyway, given the fact that I am scheduled for a hysteroscopy and possible D & C on the 16th - which could conceivably be about 4 days after ovulation (if my body decides to cooperate and go back to its regularly scheduled programming...) I seriously doubt that any implantation could take place, even if fertilization occurred, given the fact that my endometrium (don't you love these technical terms? Oh, so sexy!!) is going to be scraped clean. But I will give it the old college try - because you just never know, right? At this point, I know that anything can happen.

Okay, random thought just entered my head: how about that JLo? I read the People magazine article on her during my vacation and she claims her twins weren't conceived through fertility treatments. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't there quite a bit written about her frustrations and sadness at not being able to conceive? How she tried for years to get pregnant? And we are supposed to believe, that at the ripe old age of 38, she conceived twins naturally?!? Do I sound skeptical? Have I asked enough questions?

Well, I'm off to Walmart to pick up some ovulation sticks...wish I was off to the swim-up bar for another margarita instead...

Double or Triple Scoop?

Okay, so I haven't left for Mexico yet...but I am definitely counting down the days!

I had my appointment with my new gynecologist/obstretician to talk about my polyp and it was a great appointment. She's funny and open and took the time to listen and answer questions. I had asked her how long the polyp had been there, how big it was, and if the polyp was the reason that none of my IUIs "took", and she revealed something interesting to me:

She wrestled with infertility for five years. She had 8 IUIs, and 5 IVFs. She said she knew exactly where I was going with my questions, but said she was going to "check (her) emotions at the door and say no, the polyp didn't have any impact." She then went on to tell me a bit about her own experiences and how she struggled. At the end of her fourth IVF cycle (failed), she was told by the fertility clinic that the next IVF would be her last one at that clinic, because they couldn't help her anymore. She said she was devastated and was scared to death that she wouldn't have her own biological child. She told me that not even a breast cancer scare she had had earlier on had put that kind of fear into her heart.

But one day she had this amazing revelation that she firmly believes helped her. Her turning point was when she truly, genuinely accepted in her core that she would be okay if she didn't have children. This brought comfort into her soul. And she conceived on her fifth and final IVF.

I tell ya, it totally helps to be working with someone who has been through it all.

Okay, so you are probably wondering where the title of today's post comes from...

During this appointment, the doctor talked to me briefly about preparing my body for the IVF, and she said "Don't let them put 3 embryos back. Maximum 2." I asked her why, and she explained that triplet conceptions increase the risk exponentially of children born with severe difficulties, like cerebral palsy. She said that it should be illegal for fertility clinics to put in more than 2, and that as an obstretician, she has seen a lot of IVF pregnancies where more than 2 were put back, resulting in some sad results.

Now, DH and I had always planned on asking for 3, as this is likely our one and only IVF that we can afford to do. And of course, there is never any guarantee that any of them will implant anyway!! So now what?

Does anyone out there have any experience or advice on this - two or three? I'd love to hear from ya!

Blessing in Disguise

Okay, I recant my earlier statements about my body...as a matter of fact, I am grateful for the untimely arrival of AF two weeks ago...

Allow me to explain...

It turns out that what I thought was AF really wasn't - it was some sort of mid-cycle bleeding. After speaking with the fertility clinic (whose only words of wisdom were, "Don't worry. Maybe it's just excess endometrium sloughing off..."), I made an appointment to see my family physician. Now let me first say that I LOVE my family doctor; she is incredibly kind and thorough. Anyway, she sent me to get an HCG blood test done (on the off chance that I had gotten pregnant...and I hadn't...), then sent me to get an ultrasound done.

It was during said ultrasound that we discovered I have grown a uterine polyp!! This was causing the midcycle bleeding. And guess what? The presence of a uterine polyp makes IVF treatments highly unsuccessful, since it interferes with implantation. So now I am going to get the damn thing removed.

See what I mean? Thank God I started to bleed...

In other news, DH and I are getting ready to jet off to sunny Mexico for a much needed break from life - the daily stresses of work, home, and most definitely, infertility are starting to catch up with us. I cannot wait to hit the buffets and restaurants - love the fact that we are doing this. Did I happen to mention how much I love, love, love food? Okay, the sun and sand will be bonuses too...but mainly, it's the food that I am looking forward to. Of course, I must eat in moderation, since I anticipate bloating up like a blowfish this summer with the fertility treatments - don't want to unnecessarily add to the extra poundage. But one thing's for sure - I will definitely indulge in daily dishes of fresh coconut ice cream. Yum!

Aloha...oh, um, wait a minute. Not going to Hawaii. Hasta la vista, everyone! Mayan Riviera, here we come!!

Argh!

I hate my body. Not an "eating disorder, I want to look like a supermodel" kind of hate; it's more like a "what the hell is going on with it??" kind of hate. I have utterly and completely lost control of it.

You see, I used to be regular - what is it that they say? Like clockwork. Even when I was young and didn't quite understand how cycles work, I could always rely on being "seven days early" with my period (when I was a teen, I would simply look at the calender the day my period came, then subtract 7 from that exact number. That's the day that I knew my period would come the following month!! Later, as a woman trying to conceive, I developed the understanding that I had 23-24 day cycles.) But now, things are waaaay different...

My period came today. Yes, good old Aunt Flo. Cousin Tom ("Time of Month"). Imagine my surprise when I looked at my calender this morning and noticed that I am only on Day 17 of my cycle!!! WTH?!? Didn't I just ovulate a couple of days ago? Didn't my temperature just dip yesterday, then jump this morning? What the heck is going on?

Ever since I started fertility treatments, I just can't rely on the old body to stay on schedule anymore. I suspect that the clomid and progesterone I took for four months straight plays a major role in this. The hormones are so out of whack in my system that it doesn't quite know what to do!! Add to this the fact that I have had a very stressful week at work...and well...what do you get? An early surprise!

For one fleeting moment this morning, I was hoping that it was implantation spotting. Ah yes! The mythical implantation bleed. Google the term, and you get the same info on almost every site - it's supposed to be scant, pinkish, possibly brown. I had a hard time finding the part that described implantation bleeding using the words "bright red" and "full flow". Hmmm...so maybe it's not...

Anyway, the fact remains that my system has checked out on me. Adios. Adieu. Can't wait to see what's going to happen next!