The Girl's Got Flare...

Yes, I have been a terrible blogger. I've logged on a few times in the past week and a half, but couldn't quite figure out what to write. This would be because not much has been happening in the Springroll World. DH is away on yet another business trip, and I have been cleaning and tidying around the house like mad - it's odd. I'm most productive when he's not around. I suppose it's something I subconsciously do to keep myself from missing him...

Despite my fleeting hope that perhaps I had conceived naturally this month (...hahahahahaha...that's a good one...), my period arrived today. But fear not, I told myself - real hope is just around the corner! In four days, I start taking birth control pills in preparation for my next BIG thing - my second IVF cycle, a la Flare Protocol.

For those that aren't in the know, Flare Protocols are shorter and much more aggressive than most other protocols. It's typically used on women who are poor responders to stims, and will hopefully increase the number of follicles/eggies that I produce. Being the lucky girl I am, I actually get the pleasure of injecting myself with three medications this time around instead of two, as in my last cycle. And I start off with the heaviest dosage of stims right from the get-go. But let's be frank - I'm willing to do anything if it means having a baby in the end.

Lately, I've been thinking about all of the girls that I know who have had unsuccessful cycles, and it scares the shit out of me. But a good "cyber-friend" of mine, who is about to undergo an FET in the next two weeks, has said that she has a really, really good feeling about this - for the both of us. Her hope buoys me - she is a blessing to me right now, because she is giving me the strength that I need to believe that this can happen. Now there's a girl with flare...

I Will Be a Wonderful Mother...

I came across this on one of the many boards that I read and post on. It was posted by one of the many wonderful women who share in my heartache. It meant so much to me that I thought I would post it here as well - so that in times of sorrow, I might read it again.

I Will Be a Wonderful Mother - Author Unknown

There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.

I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

This Isn't Fun At All...

DH and I have pregnant friends. They are due in January. They were married exactly one week before we were, they tried for 4 months to get pregnant, and they are happily expecting. They were everything that we aren't - they smoked, they drank, they dabbled in drugs, and they partied - a lot. But they are also almost ten years younger than we are, and both had had previous experience with teenage pregnancies (he caused one, she had one). So they at least knew that they could get pregnant. And they showed up on our doorstep on Monday night for a visit.

So I sat and listened as they talked about feeling the baby move. I watched his face as he talked about what he has learned in pre-natal class. I smiled at her politely as she talked about her lack of morning sickness. I nodded with interest as they talked about their hunt for a midwife. I cooed with feigned excitement at their choice of baby names.

But deep, deep down inside, I ached and ached...

Then he announced that they were having a 50/50 baby pool. Yes, correctly guess the baby's birth date and you could take home half of the money they raised (the other half was going toward the baby...) Would we like to play? Of course, DH excitedly said, as he plunked down a twenty. And we waited for our friends to e-mail us the grid of dates to choose from.

DH and I sat down tonight to pick dates. And I guess I asked him one too many stupid questions, because he got irritated with me and exclaimed "Geez, just pick a date!" Then I got annoyed with him and snapped "Forget it, just pick it for me!" to which he replied "Why are you so moody? This is supposed to be fun..."

Doesn't he get it? This isn't fun at all.

It's not fun for me to pick someone else's due date, when I don't even know if I'll ever have my own. It's not fun for me to be looked at with a pitying gaze and then have to hear "We hope it happens for you guys, too." It's not fun for me to think about someone else having it so easy. It's not fun for me to be reminded of something that I want so badly, but don't know if I'll ever have...

Right now, life is just not fun at all.

I'm Not Used to Failing Tests.

In fact, I was an honour roll student for most of my schooling years. The lowest mark I ever got was a C+ (university Spanish - que pasa?). I was a teacher's pet. So why, can somebody explain to me, have I consistently failed pregnancy tests?!? What is it about the discipline of conception that continues to challenge me? Why am I the class failure when it comes to getting knocked up?!?

Yes, I took a home pregnancy test on Monday morning (14 dpiui) and it came back negative. I spent most of the day crying and obsessing about what I could have done wrong. It certainly looked good on paper, didn't it - 5 follicles, probably just as many eggies, and more than 8 million spermies swimming to meet them. What was it about the sperm that my eggs didn't like? Was it the hair? The cars they were driving? Bad pick-up line? Something must have turned them off, because none of them were willing to let a spermie penetrate. So here I am today - a failure at the pregnancy game, now with cramping and some spotting to boot.

I just don't know how much more I can take. I spent a period of time yesterday in paranoic fear that if the IUI didn't work, then perhaps an IVF won't either. What then? Could I accept a life without biological children? What had I done to deserve this and what can I do to make things right?

Then I spent a period of time berating myself for the self-pity party. I know that there are other brave, strong ladies out there that have had it much worse. But it doesn't make my pain any better. It just really, really hurts to know that yet another attempt has failed. I want to be a mom so bad - when will all of the studying that I have done pay off?

We're Almost There...

...and I'm getting scared.

Every night since the IUI, I have lain in bed and had a conversation with God. Then I breathe deeply, relaxing myself. Then I fall asleep. In the morning, before I get out of bed, I rub my tummy gently and say to myself, "Good morning, babies". And then I begin my day.

I do all of these things in hopes that I am bringing some positive energy to my situation. I have done so much reading about the influence that a positive frame of mind can have on a fertility treatment outcome. I want my system to be stress free. I want any embies that are inside of me to feel welcome. I want that positive energy to result in a positive test.

And now, here I am at 11dpiui - and I am scared.

DH and I have decided that we are going to take an hpt on Sunday morning - 13 dpiui. With our previous IUIs, we waited until the beta results from the clinic - and I always heard the bad news from the nurses. This time, I have decided that I want us to be the first ones to know. Good or bad, I wanted DH and I to be together. To be there for each other. To hold each other. To laugh or to cry.

I can't really say that I have any indication whatsoever what the outcome might be. I am dismissing all of the changes that my body is going through as being progesterone-induced and I am trying so very hard not to cloud my mind either way with false hopes or self-defeating thoughts. All I can do is wait another couple of days, and then go from there.

It's funny, isn't it, how such a little stick can yield such power...

Etc.

Well, 4dpiui.

I can't believe how bloated I am with this IUI. I was bloated before, but I swear, this time around I look like I'm about 4 months pregnant - and I'm starting to get incredibly self-conscious about it. See, I'm normally under 110 lbs, so any belly on me really protrudes. But I'm not self-conscious from a shallow, vain aspect. I'm self-conscious because I don't want my colleagues thinking that I am pregnant. DH finds this hard to understand. When I told him that I didn't want people thinking I was pregnant, his response was "Who cares?" But he doesn't get it - see, if I actually was pregnant, it would be kinda neat. It would feel a bit exhilarating and conspiratorial. I would have a happy little secret. However, I am not pregnant (yet/that I know of) so having people think that I am and then subsequently gossiping about me is not fun. It's just a painful reminder, that's all.

Sigh. Anyway, despite the fact that DH reminded me on Tuesday not to get my hopes up too high (in order to avoid later devastation/disappointment), he has been talking to "the girls" (eggies) in my belly, asking them if they are having fun with "the boys" (spermies). It's rather cute that he calls them that. He asks my tummy "Are you partying in there?" and then he rubs my belly affectionately. Tonight, he kissed my tummy and said "Hi girls, hope you're having fun in there..." and then later on he rubbed my belly and said "Oh honey, I hope you're pregnant." His behaviour, while being rather sweet, is beginning to freak me out. What if this didn't work?!? What then?

Okay, I don't want to think that way. I only want to think happy implantation thoughts. I have been doing some short meditations and visualizing little embryos burrowing into a nice, thick lining. The power of positive thinking, right?

I felt nauseous - really nauseous - for about half an hour tonight. But I am chalking that up to overeating my DH's fabulous spaghetti during dinner. It's far too early to be getting morning sickness, but I sure felt gross. Hope that's not what morning sickness is like - but I have a sneaking suspicion that it is.

A special message for my special friend Zabe (Liz) - hang in there, sweetie. You are so right - out of our original "gang', it's just you and me now. We're gonna make it. And soon, we'll be blogging about sleepless nights, feeding schedules, and colic. We'll be sharing tips on homemade baby food and naptimes. Keep the faith - we'll get there.

Tales of an Internet Addict

Okay, so I have literally spent the last three days combing the world wide web, looking for articles and postings on successful gonal-f/iui cycles. My eyes are crossed. Can other gals dealing with IF relate to this? The unyielding need to know every single thing there is to know about a condition/drug/procedure? How many google terms can you possibly come up with about one topic? How many ways can you say "IUI with injectables success"? And does it matter that some of the posts you read are from 2001? That the women who wrote them have likely gone on to have children (it has, after all, been 7 years...) That these women didn't necessarily know as much as you do on the subject, since you've spent a kajillion hours on the internet? It's crazy. But I need to be comforted. It cheers me up to hear women write about how thrilled they are that they are pregnant from their most recent gonal-f/iui cycle. It gives me hope. Maybe, just maybe, this is it.

I had my IUI this morning - I think it went well. I asked the nurse (Cheryl, totally nice) to read my follicle measurements to me again (this, of course, was due to all of the internet articles I had read on what constitutes a "mature follicle" and my insatiable need to guess how many of my follies would release an eggie...) Two on the right (1.6, 1.8) and three on the left (1.55, 1.7, 1.8). She thought that the three larger ones would release for sure, and that the little ones would likely release, but may not fertilize due to size. Fair enough. I just want one. That's all I'm asking for. One little spermie to drill his way into the eggie and make us a baby. And then for that little baby to stick.

I spent about half an hour laying on the exam table afterwards, breathing deeply, meditating and praying. Asking God for His mercy and His blessing. Asking Him for this miracle.

I like the way that my "cyber-friend", Danielle (DesignerBug) refers to my babies who are waiting to be born - "baby angels". I know that they are in heaven, waiting for God to send them down to us. Waiting to join us, and to be loved. I'm ready. I'm waiting too, Babies. All you have to do is come...