They always seem to suck.
Not only does one have to haul oneself up and out of bed early to get to work, but many of us meet with bad news on Mondays, too.
Like me, for instance.
I had my Day 7 ultrasound and bloodwork this morning, and the news is not good at all. I was so excited up until the va-jay-jay-cam worked its way inside....due to my newfound optimism, I was actually expecting to hear that I was producing follies into the double-digits, and that I was right on target for the world's most successful IVF.
"Hmmm.." murmured the RE, "There's two on the right side..." (whisper, whisper, whisper), "...and three on the left..." (whisper, whisper, whisper...)
I lay there, shocked. The RE then read out some measurements to the nurse, removed the va-jay-jay-cam, and proceeded to tell me the very news that I was petrified to hear...
I only have five follicles, all of which are slightly smaller than what would be expected at this stage of stims (ranging from 0.6 to 0.9). In other words, I'm not really responding that well to the meds.
I basically have three choices:
1. Abandon ship and call it a day (thereby wasting all of the drugs that I have pumped into my system - not to mention the stress, anxiety and tears...)
2. Convert my cycle to an IUI, and hope for the best.
3. Pray that these eggs actually continue to grow, then proceed with egg retrieval and IVF.
After the requisite crying (whilst lying on the examining table, naked from the waist down, draped in a sheet), I gathered my wits about me, got dressed, then met with a nurse to discuss these options. She was so wonderful - she comforted me, gave me plenty of information, listened to me, answered all of my questions. Clinic nurses don't come better than this one.
After writing down all of the info, I called DH from my cell (on the way back to work) and shared my sorrow with him. We weighed everything out - and we've decided to convert to an IUI. We're going on the hope that our chances with this IUI might be higher than previous ones, given the number of eggs that may release. We also didn't want to waste all of the drugs that I have taken thus far. And interestingly, it will be cheaper for us to convert to IUI than for us to cancel the cycle altogether.
I am trying so hard to not let this get me down. When I got home this afternoon, DH hugged me tight and told me to keep my chin up. He told me that we just need to keep our eye on the ball, and that if we want children we need to persevere.
Why does every single thing have to be so hard for us? We just can't seem to catch a break. Just when we were beginning to believe - truly believe - that our dream of having a baby was within reach, the rug gets pulled out from underneath us....it just seems so unfair.
As I sat in the waiting room this morning (following my u/s) waiting for my medication, I reminded myself that God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle. That everything happens for a reason. That this will make me stronger. That this too, shall pass.