A New Day Has Come

Sigh.

As I write this post, I feel a little foolish at the emotions I am going through. You see, I think my little one has decided to wean himself from nursing. And this makes me incredibly sad.

I know that this day was inevitable. I've been listening to my mum and my sister nag me for the longest time about it. We've been preparing for this for weeks by slowly replacing nursing with bottle feeds. And as of yesterday, we were up to 3 nurses, 2 bottles a day. But today, my little sweetheart refused the breast at each of his nursing sessions. And it broke my heart.

I am not ready.

I used to scoff at stories of women who nursed their children until the kids were three or four. I used to say "Now that woman's doing it for herself, not the child!" When I was pregnant, DH and I had planned to wean by six months so that we could try to conceive again right away. And I always thought I would relish the day when I would "have my body back".

But right now, I'm just incredibly sad.

This is yet another sign that my little guy is growing up. And yes - it was bound to happen! Don't all children grow up? Don't we want them to be independent? Shouldn't we be proud of the various milestones they reach?

Yes, of course.

But I feel as though time is zooming by. I feel as though this is the only chance I'll have to enjoy these things. I feel as though I won't get to have that same closeness with my son again. Even though I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, I do.

Sigh.

Who Will Look After My Baby?

No more burying my head in the sand.

It's time to take a serious stab at finding childcare for my son, as the time for me to return to work approaches...

And as I write this entry, I feel as though I might burst into tears.

Right now, I cannot fathom leaving him with anyone else. Who will sing to him before his nap, or read his favourite books to him while he snuggles with his blankie? What if he gets hurt? What if someone's mean to him? What if he doesn't eat his lunch or drink his milk? Who's going to love him the way that I do?

I've looked into several dayhomes in the area, and none of them seem like a good fit. DH is hesitant to hire a nanny because of the costs and logistics involved. He also does not want to burden my parents with looking after him. And as I type this, he is sitting across from me in our office, doing his own "research" at his computer, because he thinks he can come up with better options than I have. Hmph. Let him try. He'll come up empty handed, just as I have...

It makes me so sad to think that I won't be here for Mason during the day, and it'll be hard for him to understand.

I never thought that I would feel this way - but right at this moment, I do not want to return to work. Because if I do - who will look after my baby?

Life is Good...Part Two

What a day...

It was pure magic, from the moment my little one opened his eyes and smiled up at me from his crib, to the minute I put his tired little head down for the night. My baby's first Christmas. Wow.

After a hearty Christmas breakfast of cereal and fruit, we began the daunting task of opening the many presents that lay under the tree for him. From grandparents to Mommy and Daddy to Santa Claus, Mason was definitely spoiled. He seemed to love each gift that was shoved onto his lap for ripping open, and patiently posed for a million photos. And, of course, we discovered that the most expensive toy in the world doesn't compete with the intrigue and fun that a Christmas ribbon brings. Mason had more fun with the tissue and bows than some of the trinkets he got!

After a "pretend nap" - during which he pretended to sleep but was really rolling around in his crib, giggling (as witnessed on the video monitor...), we hauled him up for Round Two of gift opening. Yes - he had so many presents we had to divide the opening into two parts. But when the dust cleared and the last bit of gift wrap was ripped away, it was all too much for our little prince and, though I'm sure he didn't want to leave the action, he actually fell soundly asleep for a little afternoon nap.

The evening brought a visit to his Auntie's for a big family Christmas dinner - where he was once again spoiled. How could one tiny little person have so many toys?

My Christmas prayer today was that my baby boy always feel this much love - and that he is always surrounded by family who will care for him and shelter him. He is, by far, the greatest gift that I have ever been given. No gift receipts necessary. He's my special edition, priceless treasure that will be cherished for a lifetime.

Merry Christmas, Mason. We love you!

Happy Tears

My baby crawled for the first time today. And after I ran to get the camera so that I could record this precious moment, and then shot about five minutes worth of footage, I sat beside him and cried.

Happy tears.

My heart was so overwhelmed with love for him at that moment - it's indescribable. I know what you're thinking - how cheesy! And yes - I totally agree! Those happy tears took me by total surprise. But in these past nine months (...my God, yes, nine months...doesn't time fly??) I have had a lot of these moments when I burst into happy tears spontaneously, my heart filled with joy and amazement.

This is my son. This wonderful, amazing little creature, that smells of baby powder and lavender, who smiles and coos and kicks is my son.

Somedays, I have to shake myself to know that it's not a dream. Most days, I say a silent prayer of thanks to God for His gift. Everyday, I look into my baby's eyes and tell him how much I love him.

Life is good.

December Already!!

Where does the time go?

I can't believe that it's December already - and that I haven't posted in almost two months. Quite honestly, I have been beating myself up over that a bit lately. I get into these moods where I worry that I haven't documented Mason's life enough - haven't taken enough pictures, recorded enough in his baby journal, captured enough video footage. And then panic sets in when I realize that it'll all be over in a flash and he'll be one and I'll be back at work, missing the milestones as they appear. I don't know if these tumbled-together thoughts are hormonally-driven or not...regardless, I hate feeling this way. I know I should be enjoying my time with him and putting less pressure on myself...but you know how it is...gotta be the perfect Mama, right?

Anyway, we have had a terrific winter and Mason has grown by leaps and bounds. Two weeks ago, he graduated from sitting in his Bumbo during mealtimes to sitting in a highchair. He looks so tiny in it. Love it. He's fascinated with the seatbelt. And sometimes he rests his head on the tray and sucks on the edge. But let me tell you - it's great having him in that highchair - especially when I am preparing his food or cooking dinner. I can pop a few toys on his tray and he sits nicely to play....well...at least for a few minutes anyway!

Last week, he said "Mama" for the first time! Actually, it was more like "Mamamama". Now, granted, there is no assurance that he was using the word in reference to me (in fact, I'm sure he wasn't!) - but I loved hearing it all the same. Sigh. My little lovebug. The same week he learned how to clap his hands and he does it often now. Funny story: we were snuggling in bed together the night before last while I was watching the evening news, and a commercial came on for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. He watched it - and then began to applaud! This made DH laugh and laugh - "That's my boy!" he exclaims proudly. Could there be more testosterone?

We have embarked on our journey to find childcare for him for when I return to work next year. Ugh. I am really struggling with this. It hurts my heart to think of leaving him in a daycare or dayhome. I had found a local dayhome that specialized in caring for babies (taking 12 - 24 month olds), which I thought was a fantastic idea - until several people I spoke with balked at this, commenting that taking up to 8 babies (which is what they take) was far too much and that the two caregivers could not possibly look after all of those babies properly. Hmm...yes, good point. I was thinking more from the perspective of Mason having plenty of little ones his own age to play with...without recognizing that 8 babies in one spot was indeed quite a handful. Sigh.

So we have just begun looking into the possibility of hiring a nanny - but to be honest, I have no idea where to begin (*if anyone has any advice...I could really use some!!) I have heard a lot of horror stories about nanny agencies, so if at all possible, DH and I would like to screen and hire on our own. But what are the logistics behind having a nanny? What are we responsible for? Do we make deductions for income tax, CPP, etc.? Do we make sure they are licensed/bonded? Do I even know what I am talking about? No. So, please comment with info and help if you can...

Our little family is headed to Maui next week for a little rest and relaxation before Christmas...and I am SO excited! DH and I have birthdays one day apart, and every year we usually escape to the mountains for a romantic getaway. This year, however, DH suggested we take an actual trip, considering I am off and we won't get this opportunity again. So he asked where I wanted to go, I said "Maui" - and boom! We're off to Maui. Yippee!!

For those that still read this little blog - Happy Holidays. May your home and hearts be filled with magic and more love than you have every known. May the New Year bring every happiness, and may your families experience good health and good fortune. Thank you for being there...

XOXO,
Springroll

Thanksgiving Musings

Where do I even begin to outline all of the reasons that I am thankful this year?

Let's start with the obvious -

I am thankful for my little lovebug. It seems like a light-year ago that DH and I were yearning for a sweet-smelling, squirmy little baby to hold in our arms. And here we are - our hard-fought battle has been won and we are now busy changing diapers, singing nursery rhymes, mixing rice cereal and tickling toes. In all of the ways that we are thankful this year, we are most grateful that God answered our prayers and brought us our son. If we never received another gift for as long as we live, I think we would be okay - each day with our son is a gift to us now.

I am thankful for my husband. He is not perfect - and neither am I. But he is my rock. He is my best friend, the greatest daddy and a fine man. He makes my little boy's eyes light up just by walking into the room. He stood by and supported me through the darkest times of my life, always making me feel loved. I really am a lucky girl.

I am so very grateful for my family. My parents - where do I begin? They are amazing. They love me with their whole hearts - I feel it in everything that they do for me. They have encouraged me and helped me with so many things - I know that I can always count on them, and I can only hope that they feel the same way about me. My mom comes over once a week to help me give Mason one of his baths...this is their special bonding time. She saves up all of her special cuddles and snuggles for her littlest grandson. She never criticizes me, and always give fantastic advice. I couldn't do it without my parents - and especially my mommy.

My sister and her family are also important in my life and I am so glad that they are in it, My sister is my hero - she ran another marathon this weekend and though she did not make a qualifying time for the Boston Marathon (her goal), the mere fact that she trains hard, stays the course, and works toward this goal - no matter the pain - makes her an incredible woman. She has also always been there for me, and I love her for it.

There are some very special friends in my life that I am grateful for as well. These friends listen to me, laugh with me, cry with me and make my life so much richer.

I know that I don't always take the time to think about all of the things that I have, and especially in these last three years everything has seemed overshadowed by our struggles with infertiity. There have been good days, but so many bad...though now that Mason has joined our lives, everything seems so much better that even the bad days aren't that hard anymore.

It's been wonderful to share in Mason's first Thanksgiving. He sat with my sister during dinner and watched every forkful of food going into her mouth (something tells me he's going to be a good little eater!) It's going to be a goal of mine to make every holiday really special for him...to surround him with the love of family...and create memories that will last him (and us!) a lifetime.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

xoxo

Half a Year...A Whole Lotta Love!

My baby turns 6 months old today....where does the time go?

Warning: This blog entry will be a bit "gushy"...yes, I am going to wax poetic about my beautiful, amazing baby boy. Please bear with me, for I am one proud mama...

There are countless ways that Mason brings joy into my life every single day.

In the mornings, I can often hear him babbling to himself happily in his crib (as he waits for me to fetch him, change him and give him breakfast) and it makes me smile. When I pop into his room, bend down beside his crib, peer at him through the slats and greet him, he always gives me the biggest grin. Ahh, my baby is morning person, through and through, and he always starts his days off with a great little attitude.

He is such a little chatterbox now - and lately, his favourite thing to do has been to give "raspberries". He will carry on (what is in his mind) a full conversation with you - he babbles away, pauses to look at you for a response, and then continues. If he is keeping you company while you do some of the more mundane things in life (like cleaning the kitchen or folding laundry) and he feels that you aren't acknowledging his chatter, he will grunt at you and look at you expectantly. Then, when you take the time to respond, he will beam.

Mason is a pro at rolling all around the ground. And when he is on his tummy, you can tell that he is trying hard to move/crawl. It won't be long now when he'll be motoring around...can't wait to see that happen.

He giggles at the cutest things. Like when you say "Mmmm..." or "Boo!" At first, he'll give you a smile...and if you continue with those sounds, he will give you a full-on, full-bellied giggle, that always ends with a squeal! The best giggle that I get is when I nuzzle his soft little neck and shower him with kisses....and oh, how I love to do that...

Mason has a blankie. And he loves it. He will suck on it, rub his little eyes with it, and hug it tight when he is tired. He likes to drape it over himself when he is nursing, and it comforts him when he is crying. He is my little Linus. There are days when we have his blankies all over the house...and when my lovebug is napping, all is quiet, and I am tidying up the place, I love to find his blankies draped here, there and everywhere. I will often hold the found treasures up to my nose and inhale deeply - oh, I just love the smell of my baby...

Mason is an amazingly content, easy baby. He's been sleeping 7 hours through the night since he was 3.5 months old...I know that we are lucky. He knows his nights from his days and is so good with the schedule we have him on. I always feel terribly guilty if I have to stray from it (if, for example, I am having lunch with friends or there is a playdate arranged...) But he seems adaptable, and it doesn't take him long to get him back on track.

Mason has been healthy thus far (...knock on wood). I thank God everyday for blessing us with a happy, healthy child. We leave for the Mayan Riviera tomorrow morning (...speaking of getting him off-schedule...) and I am hoping that his strong immune system carries him through this vacation, incident free.

Happy 6 month birthday, Mason. For a little guy who's only been around for half a year, you sure have brought a whole lotta love into our lives. You have touched our lives and enriched it in ways that you cannot even begin to imagine. Baby, I love you all the way to the moon - and back again.